We argue a lot out of his infrustation with me! He’s impatient and wants to solve the issue with me, he wants to be the problem and he wants to solve his problems
Men tend to approach things with problem solving in mind. And my experience with my own DH of 30 years is that just the IDEA of me being sick throws him for a loop. I can't imagine what would happen if he had to become my dedicated caregiver 24/7. Don't misunderstand, he would do it. But the impact to him mentally and emotionally might require us to bring in help - because he would - as you say - want to fix it. And not being able to fix things or help the people we love is very frustrating for anyone.
Additionally - being a caregiver is hard. Very hard. Mentally, emotionally, physically. People often don't think about that. I once searched for "SUPPORT for people supporting loved ones with depression and anxiety". I wasn't looking for HOW to support them. I was looking for ways to support MYSELF while I was supporting them. Ways to manage my expectations, stress levels, and other impacted areas of my own life. How to help myself.
I don't really remember finding anything that was helpful. What I found was how to be SUPPORTIVE of my loved one. But I was already doing all of that. I needed support for myself - and I couldn't find it.
Frustration as a caregiver is normal. Especially if the caregiver in question has, to date, been used to their loved one nurturing THEM. They feel a sense of loss that they can't explain and even feel guilty about feeling.
Your DH may need some respite - just to feel some level of balance. He may be feeling a great deal of stress over not being able to fix things for you, but also over whether he is doing a good job, whether he is capable of sustaining the care etc.
Men just process things differently. For women (at least in my experience) we tend to look at the whole picture and recognize that something may not have an end date and we have to figure out how to handle that. For me, they tend to compartmentalize and put things in a box, with a play for how to do what needs to be done until their services are no longer required. In caregiving - you can't put a time limit on it - once you start, without a exit plan to find other care for your loved one.
You are carrying a heavy load. Your health is your primary concern and that is not only 100% ok but perfectly normal. But his impatience may come from the combination of everything at once, it may come from not being able to help you, it may come from a sense of permanence, it may come from struggling to carry the load.
Perhaps some respite time for him would refresh him and help him be able to handle things better.
The old "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there is something to that. We solve problems in a different way. You do not mention in your profile why you need a caregiver. So I am going to suggest a few things hopefully it will help.
If possible get another caregiver in to help you. This could be 2 or 3 days a week and it does not have to be for a full day. Just when you need the help the most. this gives you a break from him, lets him off the hook for some things.
If you write out exactly what you need done and how best to do it. Written instructions might help. If he is resistant tell him that you are writing everything out so that if he has to go away for a day or he is sick, or gets hurt someone can come in and know exactly what has to be done. Following a list of instructions might be easier for him.
Lastly..caring for a spouse is a whole 'nuther level of caregiving. Caregiving for a spouse changes the dynamics of the relationship. As a couple you are no longer equal there is a dependence that makes one spouse a more "dominate" person in the relationship and that can skew a lot of emotions.
Just remember that men by nature are not the best caregivers,(and no I'm not being sexist, just truthful and of course there are exceptions to that)and that he's probably doing the very best he can. And men typically are fixers as well, so no surprise that he wants to fix things even though he's creating some of the issues himself. You put you concern under cancer, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. Have you thought about hiring an in-home aide to come and assist you so the whole burden doesn't fall on your husband? That just may be an easy solution to your issue and give him the break that he needs. Until then, be grateful that you have a husband that at least is willing to try and help you best he can, even if he drives you crazy sometimes. A little more patience on your end may be just what is needed here. Best wishes in beating your cancer and getting back to the life you enjoy. God bless you.
Additionally - being a caregiver is hard. Very hard. Mentally, emotionally, physically. People often don't think about that. I once searched for "SUPPORT for people supporting loved ones with depression and anxiety". I wasn't looking for HOW to support them. I was looking for ways to support MYSELF while I was supporting them. Ways to manage my expectations, stress levels, and other impacted areas of my own life. How to help myself.
I don't really remember finding anything that was helpful. What I found was how to be SUPPORTIVE of my loved one. But I was already doing all of that. I needed support for myself - and I couldn't find it.
Frustration as a caregiver is normal. Especially if the caregiver in question has, to date, been used to their loved one nurturing THEM. They feel a sense of loss that they can't explain and even feel guilty about feeling.
Your DH may need some respite - just to feel some level of balance. He may be feeling a great deal of stress over not being able to fix things for you, but also over whether he is doing a good job, whether he is capable of sustaining the care etc.
Men just process things differently. For women (at least in my experience) we tend to look at the whole picture and recognize that something may not have an end date and we have to figure out how to handle that. For me, they tend to compartmentalize and put things in a box, with a play for how to do what needs to be done until their services are no longer required. In caregiving - you can't put a time limit on it - once you start, without a exit plan to find other care for your loved one.
You are carrying a heavy load. Your health is your primary concern and that is not only 100% ok but perfectly normal. But his impatience may come from the combination of everything at once, it may come from not being able to help you, it may come from a sense of permanence, it may come from struggling to carry the load.
Perhaps some respite time for him would refresh him and help him be able to handle things better.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sax-on-sex/202405/ai-finds-astonishing-malefemale-differences-in-human-brain
I agree with the advice that has been given to you by the other responders.
We solve problems in a different way.
You do not mention in your profile why you need a caregiver. So I am going to suggest a few things hopefully it will help.
If possible get another caregiver in to help you. This could be 2 or 3 days a week and it does not have to be for a full day. Just when you need the help the most.
this gives you a break from him, lets him off the hook for some things.
If you write out exactly what you need done and how best to do it. Written instructions might help. If he is resistant tell him that you are writing everything out so that if he has to go away for a day or he is sick, or gets hurt someone can come in and know exactly what has to be done.
Following a list of instructions might be easier for him.
Lastly..caring for a spouse is a whole 'nuther level of caregiving.
Caregiving for a spouse changes the dynamics of the relationship. As a couple you are no longer equal there is a dependence that makes one spouse a more "dominate" person in the relationship and that can skew a lot of emotions.
And men typically are fixers as well, so no surprise that he wants to fix things even though he's creating some of the issues himself.
You put you concern under cancer, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.
Have you thought about hiring an in-home aide to come and assist you so the whole burden doesn't fall on your husband? That just may be an easy solution to your issue and give him the break that he needs.
Until then, be grateful that you have a husband that at least is willing to try and help you best he can, even if he drives you crazy sometimes.
A little more patience on your end may be just what is needed here.
Best wishes in beating your cancer and getting back to the life you enjoy.
God bless you.