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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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That’s such a tough question, and I don’t think there’s ever one single moment where it’s clear. From what I’ve seen, the decision often comes down to a few things: safety (if wandering, falls, or behaviors are putting either of you at risk), health needs (when his care goes beyond what one person can manage), your own well-being (if your health or spirit is breaking under the weight of caregiving), and quality of life (when he might benefit from 24/7 structure and engagement).
Sometimes it’s when you realize you’re spending more time managing crises than sharing moments together. That’s not a failure—it’s just the next stage of this journey.
Talking with his doctor, a social worker, or even visiting a few memory care units can help give you a clearer sense of timing. And remember, choosing placement doesn’t mean you stop being his wife—it just means you let others help so you can still be his heart.
The simplest answer is that you will know when you can no longer properly care for him at home or until it is unsafe for him to be there anymore. But keep in mind that vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all of the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years, so you may be able to keep him home the entire time. My late husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July 2018, although he was showing symptoms a good year or so before, and he died in Sept. 2020. And I was able to keep him home with me until the end. He was under hospice care for the last 22 months of his life and was completely bedridden. I did have to hire an aide to come in the mornings to put him on the bedside commode, but other than that I was able to care for him on my own. If your husbands care has gotten to be too much for you it may be time to be looking into placing him. I wish you well as you take this very difficult journey with your husband.
I hope the following helps you. Please pay attention so that you will recognize any of these in yourself. Then it is time to consider more help, or to give the care over completely.
"The early warning “red flags” of caregiver burnout.
These tend to show up before the full exhaustion stage and are easy to dismiss as “normal stress,” but they signal it’s time to pause and get support or change the current caregiving arrangement:
1. Emotional
- Irritation over small things that normally wouldn’t bother you - Feeling less compassion or patience toward your loved one - Increased guilt (“I should be doing more”) even when you’re already stretched - Worrying constantly, even about minor issues.
2. Physical
- Trouble falling or staying asleep (or oversleeping) - Skipping meals or eating mostly convenience food - Feeling run-down more often than usual - Minor aches and pains that don’t go away
3. Mental & Behavioral
- Forgetting appointments, bills, or daily tasks - Difficulty concentrating or making decisions - Losing interest in hobbies or social activities - Procrastinating or putting off responsibilities
4. Spiritual / Inner Life
- Feeling distant or disconnected in prayer or worship - Resentment creeping in (“Why me? Why now?”) - Less joy in serving, more sense of duty or burden"
Do not wait to start looking - waiting lists are long and some places may be far from your home. Some places have assisted living that can transition into memory care. Know that a prayer was said for you!
I have a husband with vascular dementia, well TBI as a result of a stroke, and the doctors label it as vascular dementia. I would say sooner rather than later. It depends how difficult his care needs are for you to manage. My husband and I were only 53 when his stroke suddenly changed our lives. Now, 10 years later, I wish I could find a skilled nursing facility that will take him. I am struggling, my body is suffering the effects of 10 years of heavy physical strain from caring for him. However, he has unique behavior difficulties. He is uncooperative and hits away anyone who tries to provide personal cares, such as diaper change, bathing, hair and nail trimming. He pulls away, pushes me away, smacks my hands, sometimes inadvertently scratching me. He's not an angry or violent man, he simply doesn't understand cleaning and hygiene and feels he is under attack. Unfortunately, skilled nursing homes do not have to take someone who may hurt their staff. Medications have not been effective in managing his behaviors. I feel this is going to kill me, and I don't know what will happen to him then. Recognize when it is putting a strain on you. You still need to protect your own health. And caregiving will drain you, physically and emotionally.
You will know, but you want to prepare for that moment. Speak with the neurologist or your PCP about his current state & disease process. Contact Alzheimer’s Association for support and assistance. Get your paperwork in order-will, POA, medicalPOA, etc. Be looking for memory care units. Involve your spouse with these issues and don’t delay.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Sometimes it’s when you realize you’re spending more time managing crises than sharing moments together. That’s not a failure—it’s just the next stage of this journey.
Talking with his doctor, a social worker, or even visiting a few memory care units can help give you a clearer sense of timing. And remember, choosing placement doesn’t mean you stop being his wife—it just means you let others help so you can still be his heart.
But keep in mind that vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all of the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years, so you may be able to keep him home the entire time.
My late husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July 2018, although he was showing symptoms a good year or so before, and he died in Sept. 2020. And I was able to keep him home with me until the end.
He was under hospice care for the last 22 months of his life and was completely bedridden. I did have to hire an aide to come in the mornings to put him on the bedside commode, but other than that I was able to care for him on my own.
If your husbands care has gotten to be too much for you it may be time to be looking into placing him.
I wish you well as you take this very difficult journey with your husband.
"The early warning “red flags” of caregiver burnout.
These tend to show up before the full exhaustion stage and are easy to dismiss as “normal stress,” but they signal it’s time to pause and get support or change the current caregiving arrangement:
1. Emotional
- Irritation over small things that normally wouldn’t bother you
- Feeling less compassion or patience toward your loved one
- Increased guilt (“I should be doing more”) even when you’re already stretched
- Worrying constantly, even about minor issues.
2. Physical
- Trouble falling or staying asleep (or oversleeping)
- Skipping meals or eating mostly convenience food
- Feeling run-down more often than usual
- Minor aches and pains that don’t go away
3. Mental & Behavioral
- Forgetting appointments, bills, or daily tasks
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Losing interest in hobbies or social activities
- Procrastinating or putting off responsibilities
4. Spiritual / Inner Life
- Feeling distant or disconnected in prayer or worship
- Resentment creeping in (“Why me? Why now?”)
- Less joy in serving, more sense of duty or burden"
Source: ChatGPT5
Some places have assisted living that can transition into memory care.
Know that a prayer was said for you!
I would say sooner rather than later. It depends how difficult his care needs are for you to manage.
My husband and I were only 53 when his stroke suddenly changed our lives.
Now, 10 years later, I wish I could find a skilled nursing facility that will take him. I am struggling, my body is suffering the effects of 10 years of heavy physical strain from caring for him. However, he has unique behavior difficulties. He is uncooperative and hits away anyone who tries to provide personal cares, such as diaper change, bathing, hair and nail trimming. He pulls away, pushes me away, smacks my hands, sometimes inadvertently scratching me. He's not an angry or violent man, he simply doesn't understand cleaning and hygiene and feels he is under attack.
Unfortunately, skilled nursing homes do not have to take someone who may hurt their staff. Medications have not been effective in managing his behaviors. I feel this is going to kill me, and I don't know what will happen to him then.
Recognize when it is putting a strain on you. You still need to protect your own health. And caregiving will drain you, physically and emotionally.