My MIL had a psychotic break of sorts, was in a psych hospital for three weeks then transferred to memory care at AL. My husband has terrific feelings of guilt and anger at the situation and just about everything. She was living with us but after this event we could not care for her any more. He feels he has “warehoused” her. She gets emotional when she sees him, especially when she has to go back to her room. I can understand his feelings, and it hurts to see him this way. I can visit her once or twice a week, but she really wants to see him more. I have the feeling his not going makes him feel bad, too, but he can’t seem to make himself go, especially alone. I was worried about his health before this happened, as they would get into terrible arguments/yelling matches. Now I’m worried about his mental state. Getting him into counseling would be good, but he’s a stubborn man. 🙄
I spoke with medical staff on a regular basis, but only spoke with my family member once during that time.
And I started counseling again in order to protect my own mental health.
OP for your husband, if he is going to visit his Mum, he has to put some boundaries in place. If Mum starts into him, he is allowed to leave. He should not have to go alone, he needs a buffer.
As far as warehousing her, he needs to reposition in his mind what is happening. Mum is in a place where she has access to professional care, care that you were not equipped to offer in your own home. You have your family home back without the shouting and chaos brought on by her behaviour.
It is funny there are many times in our youth when we spend time in group settings, yet few refer to warehousing of children. Daycare, preschool, school, residential private school, summer camps, university residences or dorms. Many of these are looked at as being beneficial to young people, giving them access to opportunities that they would not have if they stayed home all day. Yet when a senior is put into a setting where they get professional care, have access to daily activities to stimulate their minds and bodies, have medical staff on call, we use derogatory terms to describe the situation.
That is a fantastic way to think of the situation! It can make one proud of placing their LO in a professional care venue, rather than feeling like a failure for ‘having’ to do so.
Brava!
Don't try to add to his feelings of helplessness, if it is that. It may be a sense of failure that he just couldn't do it any longer, especially if he is one of those "I just have to fix it men". Maybe not counseling, maybe he would attend a caregiver support group if you went with him. In my area there is a group that is just for men which may be helpful.
I am afraid that you are just going to have to sit back and be patient. Have you thought about counseling for yourself to gather information and ideas to help him? Possibly to become couple's counseling to explore ways to support each other through this journey, whatever that may look like.
In addition, he should visit for the sake of his mother. She needs someone to check in and advocate on her behalf. Placing your loved one in a facility does NOT mean just dropping them off, and forgetting about them. You visit for their sake.
Does it help to put more guilt on a person about not visiting? The OP's husband and herself have punished themselves enough with the guilt.
Sometimes it's better for the elder who has been placed to not see certain people for a while so they can acclimate to their new environments. The MIL dumps on the OP's husband (her son) whenever he visits. When the visit ends she brings the hysterics, negativity, misery, and abusive guilt. He should stay away or limit the visits to phone or Facetime until she improves.
Beatty is right. They should make a secret visit to the facility and not visit. Just observe. It could very well be that the OP's MIL has adjusted well and may be enjoying some things the facility offers.
There was a poster who's DH suffered terrible guilt over his Mother & the NH situation.
Was a practical man, a born fixer, so wife keep pointing out the facts.
Fact #1 Mother had aged. Had Vas Dementia, recent # hip, CCF + much more.
Fact #2 No way he could prevent any of that from happening.
Fact #3 Mother required 24/7 care.
Fact #4 He worked full-time.
Fact #5 He was a builder. Had no medical training/skills.
So, he eventually was able to realise it was not HIM that put her in the NH.
Couldn't bring himself to visit very often as his heart rebroke every time. DID manage to visit if wife went along too, to bring cheer, treats etc. Otherwise he was sunk low by the Misery Show.
Years go by & she dies.
Then he TORTURES himself he did not visit enough!!!
I hope the OP reads this aloud.
Prayers for you and yours
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