I live in another state and see her monthly. My brother lives in the same city where she is and visits twice a week. My mom barely touches the food, and lays in bed all day, even though she can walk with the use of a walker. She has a sofa and recliner in her room that she won’t sit on. I talk to her almost daily with an Echo Show which is like FaceTiming. She’s more high functioning than some of the residents and doesn’t want to sit in the hall with them when they watch movies. I did ask that she be paired with someone with similar cognitive abilities, which the staff has tried. I’m so worried that she’s going to will herself to die. Every time I talk to her she says she’s ready to get out of there and go home. We moved her out of her home to assisted living in February. She didn’t like that either and fell, had a severe head injury and has been in somewhat of a decline since. Her life now consists of laying in bed all day staring at four walls. She’s very capable of having conversations and has a TV that she watches occasionally. The quality of her life has changed drastically and I’m so torn. I don’t know what the alternative would have been. My smart, witty, beautiful mother is losing her zest for life. She couldn’t have lived in her home alone much longer. This has been a rough road. I love her so much and I’m heartbroken. I somehow feel responsible for the way she seems to have given up. How do you find peace in a situation like this?
I could have written the story freqflyer is talking about, too. My mother plays the Poor Poor Pitiful Me game to ME, but is the Social Butterfly of the MC; she has one face for me which is always downtrodden and miserable, and another for the staff and residents of the MC, which is friendly & happy. She pretends to be all cooped up in her room 'like a dawg' all day, but when I call over there to 'fact check', she's lying like a rug and out in the activity room enjoying herself! It's happened many many times where she's played me for a fool, but I catch her lying and STILL she does it!
That said, my mother's MC will not allow any of the residents to lay around in bed all day unless they are on hospice. If not, and if they are not literally sick with a fever or whatever, they have to be up and dressed by 10 am and out in the activity room! Period. They are not allowed to eat meals in their rooms either, which prevents them from doing what your mother is doing precisely: holing up and hiding out alone in her room (if it's true she's doing that).
If I were you, I'd get right on the horn & speak with the Exec Director or the nurse in charge. I'd express my concern over what your mother is supposedly doing, staying in bed all day, etc., and tell her that is not what you are paying thousands of dollars a month for! What is their policy on residents staying sequestered alone in their rooms 24/7? You'd like her out and about right away, every day, etc. If they cannot accommodate your wishes, I'd get her out of there and into another Memory Care ALF that's run properly. No joke. Because you have a woman who's already mentally compromised who's being allowed to hide out in her room all alone every day which is exacerbating her problem (if it's true). And that's not okay. Then set up a monthly phone meeting with the powers that be for a check in; to see how mom is progressing or not progressing and the like. That's what I do with my mother and the ED/nurse. Every month we talk and I get the facts vs. the BS my mother throws at me. She has behavioral problems that she conveniently 'forgets' to mention to me, but I get the 411 from the ED/nurse when we speak. Which helps me make sense of the whole picture instead of the bits & pieces my mother wants to tell me.
After it's all said and done, if your mother has truly 'given up', then get her doctor involved for a consult about anti-depressants. My mother takes enough to make a horse giggle with delight (and still she's miserable). Give it all some time and patience and see where she's at a month or two down the road, after you've spoken with the admin of the MC, etc.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything. Don't be 'heartbroken' quite yet either, btw. Get into 'fix-it' mode and use some tough love while you're at it!!! Sometimes, a bit of that goes a lot further than anything!
One day the writer made a surprised visit to see her mother and found her enjoying herself with other women doing crafts. She was smiling and laughing. The writer stood there out of sight and just watched for awhile. Her Mom was having a grand old time. And then when her mother saw her at the doorway, she had that look of "oh dear, I've been caught".
I would cut back on the face-timing as she could be using the face-timing as an excuse not to join others. Play it by ear.
I ask you to remember what you yourself stated, "She couldn’t have lived in her home alone much longer." So what other solution would there have been? If you moved her in with you she'd be staring at YOUR walls and you'd feel obligated to be her entertainment committee. It is possible the head injury did damage that is masked her dementia. FYI wanting to "go home" is extremely common in LOs with dementia and often happens as part of sundowning. The home they want to go to is their childhood home, not the home they just left. Try talking to the staff to see if they can fold her in as a sort of "assistant" of something. I wish you peace in your heart as you work to help her.