Hi everyone,
My mom is 72. She has been having financial issues for many years. Lived with my family and I (husband and two boys) a while back in her 60s and it was very difficult. Then, she was able to move into an apartment for a while. Later, she lost her job (close to retirement anyway) and couldn’t afford anything on her own. We had bought a much larger home in the meantime. No MIL suite, however, There were very little options for us aside from her moving in with my husband and two kids again. (There was a 3-year wait list for low-income housing.) So, she’s here and pays us rent monthly (a good amount I must add, but way less than she’d pay in an apartment.) However, some things are off-putting and one of the things was she came into our home with the rule that she refused to cook. I’m a homeschooling mom and my husband works a corporate job. We are both extremely busy, while my mom, now retired (because of us providing a home for her), does nothing all day. We included her in our dinners and finally got her to cook or at least provide dinners one day a week, but this setup has always bothered me. I do believe there are some narcissistic tendencies there and this is part of it. Her reasoning is that she hates cooking and all these years of cooking and she’s done with it, that I have to cook for my family anyway, so …? I feel it’s selfish and terribly unfair. She said she’ll clean after dinner (as we all pitch in on that as well.) Does this sound like narcissism to you? Just seeking validation because any time I bring it up, she gets annoyed and can’t have a normal conversation. It’s like talking to a 2-year-old. I’m at the point of saying no more dinners with us. She’ll have to provide for herself.
You are the one needing care now.
Take some deep breaths, and get yourself a break.
What do you like to do for yourself?
My opinion as long as she is contributing something to keep the household running what difference does it make?
Instead of waiting for an apartment, why not look for a room to rent that has kitchen privileges? I did a quick search of several towns and they seem to start from $500.00 on up. That way both of you could be happy. Keep her on the low income lists however.
Why not involve her to work in the kitchen while you cook. As you go, she can start the cleaning process. At the end of the meal, everyone take their plate to the kitchen (this should be taught to everyone all the time anyway). Mom can finish up all the kitchen duties when she is done eating. It was her suggestion/offer - try it.
As for other tasks, there's no reason she can't help out with things during the day. No one should be sitting around all day - especially at her age. The more she sits now, the more likely she will only be able to sit later on and reduce ability to walk. Ask her for help. Ask her to remember when she worked all day long and had to manage chores after work hours. Be specific with some tasks - do a load of laundry each day and fold it ---- everyone puts their own stuff away. Maybe run the vacuum (if noise won't bother anyone working from home). Maybe mix up a meatloaf and peel some potatoes after lunch and put in the frig -- you'll pop in the oven when it's time to start supper.
There's no way I'd tell my mom she couldn't eat with us. There's bound to be some chores to swap out so you get her moving and get some help out of the deal
Do you want her to have something in the oven and have to use potholders to take it out? How about taking the food out when it is done?
How about if she is frying something on the stove? Maybe she could be concerned about getting splattered with grease.
She probably felt she didn't meet her mother's expectations, either, when she was a child at home. And there is a resentment that she can't shake.
But that was then. This is now. I'm no psychologist (but I'm older than either OP or her mother).
OP can't accept the possibility that her mother is not the able adult she used to be (and it will not improve). People don't have to be eighty to suffer some senior disabilities unrecognized by younger people.
Helping Mom find a moderately priced independent living apartment, where she won't have to cook may be an answer. She will still have to take care of herself with laundry and some light housekeeping. OP and husband may have to make a small financial contribution, but it could be worth it. They will not have to do much for Mom on a day to day basis. They can concentrate on their children and their own plans.
Of course, I don’t really want my mom to move in with us for other reasons. Maybe you are focusing on the meal situation when it’s actually her living with you in general that you’re not comfortable with?
Maybe you can find her another task for her that will lessen your load. Or use some of the money and hire help of some kind around the house.
Perhaps you could start using some of the money she pays you and get meals delivered or just go out.
Its very hard to have someone live with your family even under the best circumstances, it’s just different.
Good luck to you.
The answer to your question is to move your mother into her own apartment so there won’t be any conflict between the two of you. I live in New Jersey and I know 100% that there are many, many opportunities for low-, very low- and middle-income apartments available as I write this post. There are also many senior apartments that are being built as of the writing of this post. The secret of getting to rent one of them is to apply ASAP and get your name on the list. There is a link on the state website where people can find these apartments. You can add your name to the list to be notified when any apartment becomes available and you need to act quickly when they notify you of availability.
Wishing you good luck in finding an apartment for your mother ASAP, which will be the solution for this problem with your mother.
Good for you for not leaving any inheritance like the ops literally worthless mom, and not expecting to be taken in.
Ask her to set the table. Ask her to help load or unload the dishwasher. Or is she refusing to help with anything?
Labels do not help understand or deal with problems. It’s a lazy and ineffective way to describe relationships.
Mental health diagnoses can be weaponized - never a healthy way to seek solutions to very real and difficult problems.
Please repost this every time you see narcissism misused. It'll keep you busy, though. 😉
Stock her up with plenty of pre-made salads, cooked chicken, and pre-cut fruits and vegetables. Find healthier versions of frozen foods.
If she is 72, why should she have to cook?
I honestly laughed out loud when I first read the original post. How many of us raised kids virtually alone while our husbands with a corporate job traveled weeks out of every month? <Raising my hand here>
The myopic vision OP has about herself -- "I have a kind heart" -- when so many here have pointed out otherwise is really very sad. I, too, feel bad for her mother, because imagine having to live where you aren't wanted with a daily guilt trip being laid upon you by your self-proclaimed "kind-hearted" daughter.
Some self introspection and some discussions with a therapist over OP's issues of needing to control others and her environment is in order.
Let me ask you a question. If you lived in a house with your family how would you feel if they all sat down to a home-cooked communal meal but they expected you to microwave a prepared meal and eat alone?
I think that would be a pretty lousy thing to do to a person. I have a strained relationship with my mother and this has been so since I was a little kid. I am a person with zero tolerance for any senior games or BS.
I would never sit down to a meal with the family and expect my mother to eat a microwaved meal by herself away from all of us.
Sometimes it gets to a point where an elder has to dine alone. Usually this is because they either have to be spoon-fed by someone else, feeding themselves is often too disgusting for others watch when they trying to eat a meal themselves. Totally understandable.
The OP's mother does not need someone to spoon-feed her and she is still capable of eating decently and being part of a shared family meal.
You clearly don't want your mother living with you. I totally understand that and it's totally fine. She shouldn't be living with you if it isn't working out.
You ask if your mother sounds narcissistic. Based on what you're saying, it would seem like you're the one with narcissistic tendencies. Your mother was honest and up front with you about not cooking. You moved her in anyway. She pays you rent and she also helps with the cleaning up. What more do you expect from a old woman?
Get her on one of those waiting lists for low-income housing. Get her on some for senior housing too. They base the rent on a person's income too. I think your wait will be less than three years if you put her name in enough of these places.
Your mother will be better off in a senior community as well.