Hi everyone,
My mom is 72. She has been having financial issues for many years. Lived with my family and I (husband and two boys) a while back in her 60s and it was very difficult. Then, she was able to move into an apartment for a while. Later, she lost her job (close to retirement anyway) and couldn’t afford anything on her own. We had bought a much larger home in the meantime. No MIL suite, however, There were very little options for us aside from her moving in with my husband and two kids again. (There was a 3-year wait list for low-income housing.) So, she’s here and pays us rent monthly (a good amount I must add, but way less than she’d pay in an apartment.) However, some things are off-putting and one of the things was she came into our home with the rule that she refused to cook. I’m a homeschooling mom and my husband works a corporate job. We are both extremely busy, while my mom, now retired (because of us providing a home for her), does nothing all day. We included her in our dinners and finally got her to cook or at least provide dinners one day a week, but this setup has always bothered me. I do believe there are some narcissistic tendencies there and this is part of it. Her reasoning is that she hates cooking and all these years of cooking and she’s done with it, that I have to cook for my family anyway, so …? I feel it’s selfish and terribly unfair. She said she’ll clean after dinner (as we all pitch in on that as well.) Does this sound like narcissism to you? Just seeking validation because any time I bring it up, she gets annoyed and can’t have a normal conversation. It’s like talking to a 2-year-old. I’m at the point of saying no more dinners with us. She’ll have to provide for herself.
Of course not.
Mom's a renter, not a servant. She told you she doesn't want to cook, and that's that. She said she'd clean up, so let her. She's not one of your children, so stop treating her like one.
And no, that's not narcissistic behavior by any stretch of the imagination. Jeez, that word gets tossed around here a lot.
Have you tried teamwork rather than assigning tasks or expecting her to take charge? - mom, would you help with peeling the potatoes so they are ready for later - mom, I've got something marinating in the fridge would you mind putting it in the oven at 4:00 - I've already sorted the laundry, it would be a big help if you could run a couple of loads for me this afternoon... that kind of thing.
Maybe the issue isnt mom not cooking but having mom live with you?
Why do you eat together? Why a fight over who cooks? Mom cooks for MOM and you cook for your family, would be my advice.
Mom should get her own meals and pay for her own shopping. She gets a shelf in fridge and one if freezer too if that exists.
I would not have taken Mom back into my home. A burden for my family. Things won't get better. But I sure wouldn't pick this battle to be the mountaintop we choose to die upon. There is so little in life we can control, but we CAN control our own dietary thing at a certain point. I cook now only when I choose to cook. You have a young family. So not that easy. But you can bring home a bucket from the Colonel or order in a pizza once a week.
You have home, family, job and now Mom. I would separate out your lives in the home, have your own meals and privacy, and that's it. There's too much on your plate for time to even ARGUE this one I am thinking.
Best to you.
If this was not something that was agreed upon BEFORE she moved back in with you and your family, well then shame on you. Ground rules should have been set in place prior to her moving in, and if she didn't agree with any of the rules she would have had the option to find other housing and living elsewhere.
You say in your own words that she pays a "good amount" for rent, so you and your family are benefiting at least financially by her being there right? And even though you have allowed her to move in, that doesn't mean that she is responsible for cooking for your family. She's your mom, not your personal chef.
Would it be nice if she offered once in a while to cook supper? I'm sure it would be, but like she's told you, she doesn't like to cook anymore, so I think you need to adjust your expectations and just accept that she's not going to change.
I'm almost retirement age and also a widow. I never did enjoy cooking much put did it when I had to. I can tell you that now that I've gotten out of the habit of having to cook, that I probably wouldn't want to have to do it again either, as I feel like I've earned the right not to. Not because I am selfish or narcissistic, but as a mom and grandmother I have paid my dues.
Now I certainly understand that there are many moms and grandmothers out there that still enjoy cooking for their family, your mom and I just happen not be one of them.
And if you and your husband are too busy to cook for your family, you can always order out and have your meals delivered with the money your mom is paying you for rent. Just a thought.
I guess I will just ask you this......is this really the hill that you are willing to die on? And if it is, there is way more going on here than a mom who won't cook for you. Something to ponder for sure.
I suppose you could try the no more family dinners as a brief test -- just to see if she snaps out of it or goes without food. If she goes without, definitely, take her to a doctor for an evaluation. If she needs someone to prepare food for her, it's either severe mental illness or SD/A.
Best of luck to you!
Saying to your Mom "No more meals with us" is not the peaceful solution.
Take advantage of meals delivered, or picked up to go by you or your husband.
Take advantage of easy to prepare meals-don't have to be perfect. A potato salad, sandwich fixings, cottage cheese and hot dogs, or Tuna Sandwiches may suffice once a week or more. A buffet layout, or PIZZA could work.
Everyone, even the best and interested cooks do not want to cook at times.
When was the last time y'all stopped by McDonald's (omg), or Chick-Fil-A?
More than an issue with your Mom, it sounds like you need a break. I could be wrong.
BTW, your whole family does not have to eat the same thing together, every day of the week. Can you get creative?
Are the children able to learn preparing meals yet?
Try having some fun with being creative, and get yourself a break.
Hire a sitter to cook dinner, while you and your husband go out. Or take advantage of the one night Mom does cook, and you go out.
What a r e you waiting for?
She did tell you that she would not cook. You knew that back before she moved in.
SO...
my advice is
On weekends make several meals and portion them and freeze the meals for later. Pull out a meal or several meals and let them thaw so all you or mom has to do is heat them up.
This might take a bit of planning but keeping a weeks worth of meals in the freezer is not a bad idea. Casseroles, lasagna, soups, chili, stew can all be made and frozen. A "fresh" meal can provide leftovers for another 1 or 2 meals later that week.
If you really have had it you can give her a "move out date" and she can begin looking for Independent Living facilities, Senior housing (remind her she will have to cook for herself....and you will lose income)
By the way...how old are your boys? Old enough to cook dinner? (I was cooking dinners for my family when I was 11 years old)
You can choose to be equally uncompromising and tell her to find her own meals if she's unwilling to cook your family dinners. That would likely start up a whole feud and another batch of problems to sort out, though. So pick your battles, that's my suggestion.