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I've been on this site for awhile and have always gotten great advice. My dad is 84 with Parkinsons in advanced stages. My mom is 81 and may have dementia. Definitely has caregiver burnout and crippling arthritis. My dad was released from a SNF last April and they had 24/7 care. Somehow, because my mom is under a delusion she can do it on her own, they cut down. Now I've gotten them to agree to 7 nights a week and 2 days. It's still not enough but whatever...Today, I'm just baffled because I called them, calmly, to check in. And the first thing my mom said after "hello" was "We just got done with lunch and a bowel movement." WTF? Who says that? She's done this in the past and I've always said, "I don't need that level of detail." Why does she keep telling me about my dad's bowel issues (he's in diapers). Is she trying to embarrass him? Does she want me to give her a trophy? Actually, as I'm typing this, I realize that I'll never know what makes her say such things. I kinda want to call back and yell at her but is there any point in that? It's so degrading to say that about my dad to me in front of him.

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As someone else dancing around the edge of burnout, I hear you. Poop though is a great subject. We're always talking about poop. I couldn't even be upset with my mom ever in a poop discussion.. heck I even have them with my hubby and I robbed the cradle he's in his 30s ;).

Poop is a secret subject.. instead of thinking she is trying to embarrass him... I would instead think that she chooses considers you close enough to discuss such a private and often taboo subject of something that we do quite a bit.

Pooping means our guts are still moving. Nurses and CNAs and the like monitor popping r schedules as a measure of health and a good indicator of a working metabolism.

With my mom on hospice, I get the impression that eating and pooping regularity is a marker of, I think, where her boy is at in the living / dying process. They all ask about poop a lot and like to hear that pooping has occurred.

So if nurses etc are asking your mom, they probably give an "oh good!" At hearing about pooping. This gives the impression that poop announcements are good news. So telling you that dad has pooped could actually just be a weird as heck indicator that he's not doing badly health wise.

And could also just be showing that mom trusts you with the intimacy (not that kind) and privacy and vulnerable state of that kind of info. I mean you might not wanna hear it (,lol,) but yeah.

My mom will call her sister and she will announce "oh my God I have been on the toilet all day cr**ing myself for hours". These are two women who idk the last time they've even been in the same room... And she's on speakerphone knowing I can hear it...

Just laugh about it.. it is kind of a silly random seeming topic to bring up but yeah. The world shrinks down to eating drinking pooping eventually. Like walking back to infancy, butt first 😆
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My dad lived to 90 and got pretty poop obsessed. I tuned it out. After all, we’re all headed there. He used to say “one thing is sure, we enter this world using diapers and we leave it using diapers” Not a happy thought, but a realistic one
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Peanut - sorry some people are trying to make you feel about cuz, like me, you think it's weird when people talk about poop. I don't like it, don't want to hear about, etc. So, I think it's perfectly fine and normal that you prefer not to hear lunch and BM in the same sentence. You're probably right that mom has some dementia. And could be burnt out caring for your dad. Glad to hear that she's willing to go back to having more caregivers. I used to tell the helpers - don't believe mom if she says you can leave or not to come back.
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Elderly people often seem to take a weird interest in their poop. It’s very strange.
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againx100 Jan 2023
I know! My MIL is literally obsessed with it. If she doesn't go, oh my, she's gonna tell her poor son all about it. TMI. I don't WANT to know. Unless there's a big problem that needs attention by a medical professional, no thanks.
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They are sick. Both of them. Nothing is normal now and never will be again.

That is what you should read into this.

Perhaps her pride won’t let her say what you’ve been telling her - that she needs more help. What can you do? Hope that somehow, as she accepts the additional caregiving that you’ve arranged, it can be bumped up to full time care.
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peanuttyxx Jan 2023
You're right. I'm grieving the loss of what once was - when I could have conversations with them that were about other things. Until about six months ago, my mom could discuss other things. I think I'm grieving the loss of my mother despite the fact that she's alive.
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Wow. I don't know how really to identify with your lack of understanding and understanding, and with your lack of comprehension of the situation your parents are now in
. To be frank, for your Mom and Dad, yup, it is now down to the meals and the bowel movements. I know that I am a nurse, but I suspect most caregivers and family on this site who are dealing with loved ones in their 80s and 90s and with their illness and debility, understand this, and especially so if the elder has any--I mean ANY--dementia.
It may surprise you to know that as you age, yup, the bowel movements become a concern. I am 80. So I can assure you of this. Think of me when you are in your 80s. Meanwhile, carry on, and try to deal with your Mom, and where she is in her life now, with as much compassion as you can muster.
I do agree with you that the time is rapidly approaching for 24/7 care or placement. This is a dangerous situation for your Mom to ever be left in at this point. I would consult closely with caregivers and ask if, in their opinions, this couple is safe for any amount of time without a caregiver present.
I wish you the very best of luck, and my heart goes out to your parents in the time of travail.
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peanuttyxx Jan 2023
I wish the best of luck to you too, and to every human. I come to this board hoping for sound advice. If you read my post, I made it clear I didn't yell at my mom. I never have. I didn't even react her to BM comment, nor have I ever. I save my battles for bigger issues, like the fact that he fell and needed stitches last week and they only went to the ER because the caregiver forced them. I guess I have lingering anger because what if that had happened on a day the caregiver wasn't there? Would he have bled to death? I was asking a genuine question. I have been through 24 years of Parkinsons with my parents, and a lifetime of emotional abuse from them. So please don't judge me too harshly. I'm still learning. For some reason, I keep thinking my parents will learn too. But they won't. So be it.
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I hope you don't use the term "yell at my mother" literally. If you do, shame on you.

You say she probably has dementia and that you'd even consider yelling at her is appalling.
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peanuttyxx Jan 2023
Come on...don't be a jerk. I wasn't using the term literally. But literally, my mom has yelled at me for 48 years so I hope you can understand that I'm frustrated. And we're Italian. Yelling is a turn of phrase. I don't yell at them. I speak calmly and concisely. Don't be mean on this message board. It's a place of salvation for many of us. Shame on you for shaming me.
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Why do you find discussing having a bowel movement weird? We all do it, or hopefully we all do it if we want to remain healthy.
It's been my observation that as folks get older and their world smaller, they tend to talk about all kinds of "weird" things including bowel movements, as in some cases they don't have much more exciting things to discuss.
So next time your mom gives you the bowel movement update, just acknowledge it and change the subject to what you're wanting to talk about.
And just remember, you yourself will be there some day wanting to tell someone about your bowel movement or your loved ones. And perhaps that they too will think you're weird for talking about it.
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peanuttyxx Jan 2023
You're right. Totally right. I used to talk about my daughter's bowel movements when she was a baby, and life is a circle. I think I'm so burned out that I'm seizing on opportunities to be angry with them - and other people. Which is why I have a therapist. I was just having an off day. Today is a term many researchers call "Blue Monday." Some studies have found people find the 3rd Monday of the new year the most depressing day of the year. That's definitely been my experience today, especially because I live in a cold, sunless climate. https://www.livescience.com/what-is-blue-monday
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Dear peanuttyxx
I suspect your dad is not embarrassed, but you are. And that all of this getting old and dying stuff is really hard for you though mom is doing the difficult chores and you are just calling in. Yeah. To me you are making a big deal and one day you may look back and see that mom is deserving of that trophy. But peanuttyxx, it is so very hard to see our parents struggle and know they are declining. I am not without compassion for your feelings. Be a little proud of them for standing up for their right to live as they choose. They still have each other and that is more important to them than all the rest. This is their very life you know. And I suspect that given what it is, Parkinson’s and arthritis, they want to be together alone as long as possible. Learn to laugh. Maybe a therapist would help. Celebrate her personality. It is your mom, unfiltered maybe, but she is getting the job done and that is fantastic for all concerned.
Big hugs to you.
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Actually that conversation topic doesn't sound weird to me at all. It's weird that it's not weird, but oh well. Life can get down to some really basic issues and lunch and bowel movements seem pretty basic. Those are are important features of their lives right now. Your embarrassment about his bowel movements is not necessarily what bothers them. Why not try getting over that and move on in the conversation to what topics that you want to talk about? You called to check in and you got the report. Yelling at anyone or feeling embarrassed seems pretty petty to me. Make this less about you and how you react and more about being helpful instead of just getting updates.
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peanuttyxx Jan 2023
You're right. During our conversation, she reluctantly agreed to more help. That's what I should focus on.
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In the care of someone who is incontinent, a bowel movement and the aftermath is actually quite a big step. You don’t want to know about it, because you haven’t been doing that level of care, and for you it’s NOT a big issue.

Perhaps your mother shouldn’t be doing as much as she is, perhaps she is moving into dementia, but perhaps it’s you who doesn’t really understand. It might help if you spent a day with them, and saw things from your mother’s point of view. Just a different perspective?
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peanuttyxx Jan 2023
Yeah you're right...I guess I just feel mad that she's allowing herself to be in this situation (or s*ituation) because they do have the money for more care. I didn't call back. And I didn't yell at her when she said it. I'm glad I didn't. Her life is hell right now and me yelling at her will only make her life more hellish. I just wish she wouldn't let it be so hellish by accepting more help. But...what can I do?
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maybe she's just making you aware of what the hot topics and high stress areas of her life are.
As a caregiver, your life is dictated by poop...cleaning up accidents, ensuring no bowel blockages...it's kind of a sh*tty existence.
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peanuttyxx Jan 2023
Thank you. I forgot that sometimes, there are ways to look at this with humor.
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Too much information

I don't know why BMs seem to be a hot topic with the elderly. I don't know if it stems from being potty trained, doctors make such a big thing out of being "regular" or they just lose their filter. Maybe Dad doesn't mind as much as u think he does. Really, what does their daily life consist of now. Eating, sleeping, watching TV and BMs.
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peanuttyxx Jan 2023
Ha! I guess that's a good point. It really is a big part of their days. They barely leave the house!
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