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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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My father died unexpectedly three months ago. My parents had been married for 65 years. My mother health is declining and dad always took care of her. Mum said she can’t live without him and is disappointed when she wakes up everyday.
My grandma wanted to die when her husband (grandpa) died from a brain tumor. She talked about it for over 20 years.
It's common with spouses being married for so many years. Just ignore it if you can. Suggest counseling maybe she will go. Sounds like she is depessed and grieving.
If she really doesnt want to live she should have DNR paperwork in place and refuse any and all medications if she gets sick to facilitate a quicker death.
My dad died 13 months ago. They would have been married 62 years.
Things that greatly helped my mom included going to Hawaii with my sister to pay respects to my uncle, who died three months later. She went to Spain with my sisters for a wedding to represent her own 90 year old sister who had just had a stroke. She takes care of YS dog. YS child goes over when her mom is out of town on business. My mom has reignited her interest in painting.
My mom and sister were arranging to live at her house after sister did some remodeling but moms hoa put a kibosh on their plans. So sister literally rented a whole mansion across the street in which mom could have her own kitchenette and by then mom was like, um? I like my own house better.
Do not dive into a cosleeping/live in situation at this point, My sister and my mom would have been like two queen bees in a hive had they tried it then. If it goes through now they’ve had the time to think about it. Do involve her at the weddings and funerals for which she is matriarch of the family.
You can't do anything about your mother wanting to die now that her life partner is gone. This is so very common especially with folks that have been married as long as your parents were. I've heard SO many stories over the years of couples that have been married many years that when one dies, the other dies shortly thereafter, usually of a broken heart. In fact my second mom and her husband were married 63 years, and her husband died first in March 2018, and though she seemed pretty healthy, she died in May 2018 of a broken heart. And we were grateful that they were once again together. So while I know that you don't want to lose your mother so soon after your fathers death, please don't hold it against her if she just wants to go be with him.
So sorry for your loss and what your mother is going through. I think what your mother is feeling is very normal. My parents were also married for a long time -- 71 years and my mother died in June at age 95. They were together in the NH for the last nine months before she died.
My father is giving up (he will be 96 next month). He's grieving my mom and there's not much left for him to live for anymore. He prefers sleep to doing much of anything social at the facility.
I will be going back to NYC for three weeks to visit him each day. I don't want him to feel abandoned. He is very important to me but there is nothing I can do to change or fix his situation. I wish it were over for him already.
Maybe your mother could benefit from some antidepressants to get her through the short term and help her adjust to this stage of life. I don't know which is worse for an elderly couple -- being the person who died or the one who is left behind.
I would say that her thinking is fairly realistic. Others would say she is grieving and depressed. EITHER requires the help now of a medical team. A low dose anti -depressant may be the answer to your mom being able to live while live she must. The two had loving relationship clearly, so mom lost not only the love of her life and any reason to live, but her caregiver. I would suggest placement for mom as she needs people around her and activities.
When my brother was diagnosed with early Lewy's dementia he wished he had died in the accident that led to his diagnosis. I think he was right. I wished it for him. As it happened he died 1 1/2 years after his diagnosis and I was relieved for him. There is not a lot ahead of your mom but loss upon loss upon loss. I would tell her that you understand her wishes and her feelings, but that this isn't something we are allowed to have in our control. Our bodies go on. And we have to make the best of that we can.
Get help. It would be normal that your mom is terrified, desperately alone and depressed. Medications may or may not help and are worth a try at building a bridge over this horror. Do not negate what she says and what she is feeling. Tell her you are so sorry; tell her it is difficult to hear her wanting to leave you but that you understand and will keep alive loving memories of her and your dad so long as you live.
I am so sorry for this loss and this pain. I will tell you that when my parents died, each in their early 90s I was relieved. I was relieved they had to suffer no further losses and that I did not have to stand silent helpless witness to their pains and losses. Sadly, this is life. We limp on best we can.
Canty, this is normal we can't understand what your mom is going through, or what it will be like if or when are long term relationship ends in a death. We can speculate how we will handle it but we actually can't even prepare for it
I'm sure your mom is horrible depressed, it has only been 3 months. This is expected. Weather or not your mom pulls through this and finds a reason to live will really be up to her.
I will say try not to be her reason to live , because then she will become completely dependent on you now, and trust me that's not what you want either.
I also understand your pain, when we loose a parent, it is so scary to think of loosing another shortly after. I lost my dad at the beginning of covid, and was scared to death for a few years of loosing my mom. Try not to take that stress upon yourself.
Honestly your mom needs time meds may help but time and time is not 3 months.
My neighbors husband died 10 months ago. Now she is going through the year anversaries, it's no fun to for her at all
I think your mom would really benefit from talking to more friends too. I think it's impossible for her to express her feelings to her daughter about many of her feelings.
This is an enormous life change for her, and her reaction is very understandable. Tell her you understand, even if you don’t. Take her to the doctor to discuss (or send the doctor a message ahead of the visit) a medication to help her mood. My dad was helped a lot by a low dose of Zoloft. It helped lift some of the sadness caused by so much loss, both of people and abilities. I’m sorry for the loss of your dad and wish both you and mom healing and peace
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It's common with spouses being married for so many years. Just ignore it if you can. Suggest counseling maybe she will go. Sounds like she is depessed and grieving.
If she really doesnt want to live she should have DNR paperwork in place and refuse any and all medications if she gets sick to facilitate a quicker death.
Things that greatly helped my mom included going to Hawaii with my sister to pay respects to my uncle, who died three months later. She went to Spain with my sisters for a wedding to represent her own 90 year old sister who had just had a stroke. She takes care of YS dog. YS child goes over when her mom is out of town on business. My mom has reignited her interest in painting.
My mom and sister were arranging to live at her house after sister did some remodeling but moms hoa put a kibosh on their plans. So sister literally rented a whole mansion across the street in which mom could have her own kitchenette and by then mom was like, um? I like my own house better.
Do not dive into a cosleeping/live in situation at this point, My sister and my mom would have been like two queen bees in a hive had they tried it then. If it goes through now they’ve had the time to think about it. Do involve her at the weddings and funerals for which she is matriarch of the family.
I've heard SO many stories over the years of couples that have been married many years that when one dies, the other dies shortly thereafter, usually of a broken heart.
In fact my second mom and her husband were married 63 years, and her husband died first in March 2018, and though she seemed pretty healthy, she died in May 2018 of a broken heart.
And we were grateful that they were once again together.
So while I know that you don't want to lose your mother so soon after your fathers death, please don't hold it against her if she just wants to go be with him.
My father is giving up (he will be 96 next month). He's grieving my mom and there's not much left for him to live for anymore. He prefers sleep to doing much of anything social at the facility.
I will be going back to NYC for three weeks to visit him each day. I don't want him to feel abandoned. He is very important to me but there is nothing I can do to change or fix his situation. I wish it were over for him already.
Maybe your mother could benefit from some antidepressants to get her through the short term and help her adjust to this stage of life. I don't know which is worse for an elderly couple -- being the person who died or the one who is left behind.
When my brother was diagnosed with early Lewy's dementia he wished he had died in the accident that led to his diagnosis. I think he was right. I wished it for him. As it happened he died 1 1/2 years after his diagnosis and I was relieved for him. There is not a lot ahead of your mom but loss upon loss upon loss. I would tell her that you understand her wishes and her feelings, but that this isn't something we are allowed to have in our control. Our bodies go on. And we have to make the best of that we can.
Get help. It would be normal that your mom is terrified, desperately alone and depressed. Medications may or may not help and are worth a try at building a bridge over this horror. Do not negate what she says and what she is feeling. Tell her you are so sorry; tell her it is difficult to hear her wanting to leave you but that you understand and will keep alive loving memories of her and your dad so long as you live.
I am so sorry for this loss and this pain. I will tell you that when my parents died, each in their early 90s I was relieved. I was relieved they had to suffer no further losses and that I did not have to stand silent helpless witness to their pains and losses. Sadly, this is life. We limp on best we can.
I'm sure your mom is horrible depressed, it has only been 3 months. This is expected. Weather or not your mom pulls through this and finds a reason to live will really be up to her.
I will say try not to be her reason to live , because then she will become completely dependent on you now, and trust me that's not what you want either.
I also understand your pain, when we loose a parent, it is so scary to think of loosing another shortly after. I lost my dad at the beginning of covid, and was scared to death for a few years of loosing my mom. Try not to take that stress upon yourself.
Honestly your mom needs time meds may help but time and time is not 3 months.
My neighbors husband died 10 months ago. Now she is going through the year anversaries, it's no fun to for her at all
I think your mom would really benefit from talking to more friends too. I think it's impossible for her to express her feelings to her daughter about many of her feelings.
Best of luck I'm so sorry