My mother-in-law still insists on living in huge house 4 hours from us. How can we convince her it's time to move?
She will not agree to move to where we live or where her oldest grandson lives, nor will she move into a retirement community in the city where she lives now. Now she has scheduled cataract surgery and wants my husband and me to come down to help her out. Her house reeks of mildew (I have posted about this previously), and we don't want to stay there so we would have to be in a hotel. Also, the weather could be a problem. We don't want to risk our necks on icy roads or end up stuck there for days on end. I'm really angry that she expects us to do this and stubbornly refuses to move out of her huge old house that is too big for her, needs constant repair, and eats up a lot of her money. I will feel guilty if we don't go, but I don't want to go. How can we convince her that it's time to move out of the house and either closer to us or into a retirement community? She is 87 years old.
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A team of wild horse wouldn't not make my Mom budge from the house she shared with my Dad. Dad, bless his heart, would pack immediately to move to senior living. He was tried trying to maintain the house. I even brought home brochures of really nice resort looking retirement villages... Mom pretty much said she was too young to move there. Earth to Mom, you and Dad are in your 90's. Oh well.
I really believe our parents still view us as just the "kid" and what do we know.... and also view us being in our 20's and 30's with a lot of energy to help. My own Mom just couldn't understand why I would be having my own age related declines. Hello, I am a senior citizen, too. Who is going to pick ME up off the floor when I can't get up???
You and hubby will have to do what many of us here needed to do.... wait for a serious medical emergency. Sadly Mom won't get to choose where she lives if she needs rehab and nursing home care. It will be where ever there is an open bed.
Thanks very much for your replies. I hope my husband and I have the fortitude to use tough love. I agree, freqflyer, it's not so easy for us at our age to do what she asks of us. We aren't spring chickens either.
These three ladies have said it all! You say "no, no can do, grandma; it's too dangerous for us. You'll have to hire someone local".
And DO call APS. Someone with authority is going to have to take the reins here.
Good luck!
This is his responsibility, not yours. Mommy needs to have some new ground rules.
Even though she doesn’t have dementia at her age stubbornness increases and judgement decreases. No one will change her or be able to reason with her.
And don’t move her in with you. One of two things will happen. She will have a fall or medical crisis and/or the local authorities will force her to move due to the mold.
Don’t spent your money on her house or care.If she’s broke, sell The house as is and get her on Medicaid.
Sorry to sound so hardass but I’ve been watching my parents do this same thing for over 5 years. My wife is very understanding and supportive but she’s not about to take on the care of my parents. That’s my job and I totally accept that.
Has anything been done about the mildew?
Have you contacted her doctor about your concerns?
Your profile says she has dementia. Is that a medical diagnosis or based on your observation? A person beyond the very early stage of dementia should not live alone. I doubt that a retirement community would be sufficient for long if she has dementia. Some kind of care center would be more appropriate -- perhaps assisted living.
I wonder if calling APS would be appropriate at this point (especially if she has dementia.) You can explain that you fear she is vulnerable because of her age and also some cognitive decline, and you are worried about the health risks of her environment. And you can mention that she will be having cataract surgery and no one to help her with drops after she gets home. They will investigate.
It is really difficult and frustrating to want to help someone who doesn't want help, isn't it?
APS is definitely the way to go. Be aware, though, that if they find significant mold in her home they may be required to report it. Mold abatement (necessary to eventually sell the house) isn't cheap.
About the mildew. I discovered something black on an inside closet wall at my mothers one day. I freaked. I knew this was the discovery that would require her to move. Meanwhile I put on a mask, got the correct solution of clorox to water and washed the wall. It has never come back. That's been at least five years ago. Maybe more.
I sound like a broken record these days to anyone who reads my post but please Okiegranny, check out the book, 'Being Mortal' by Atul Gawande and soak up some really good advice on dealing with elders. Let us know how the surgery goes and what you decide to do.
I will ask her (if she's still speaking to us) if she wants us to call her to remind her about the drops. I'm sure she will give us the cold shoulder, but at least we will have made the effort. She only wants help on her terms. She will often tell us how wonderful other people are at helping her, but when my husband offers to do something, she tells him not to bother. Then later she tells him how awful and ungrateful he is for this, that, or the other. Example: When her mother was ill with cancer, my husband flew up to see her before she died. When my husband's grandmother died, he was asking his mom about flying to a distant city for the funeral. His mother told him not to go to the expense, because he had already come up to visit her when she was ill. Years later, when my husband's mother was ticked off at us, she said, "You never even came to your grandmother's funeral and everyone asked where you were." This is the kind of crap we deal with in our relationship with her.
If I had any advice for young ladies, it would be never to marry an only child, because you will be taking care of your aging in-laws.
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