Hello, tonight my senior mother who recently turned 80 years old--but still lives alone and is somewhat independent--was told by her doctor that she will be receiving hip surgery in February. While we knew that this day would be coming, I asked her to ask the doctor if doing the surgery in the middle of the winter will be the best thing to do with snow and ice most likely being on the ground. This is among other things like my working and going to school and it would work better, especially because my FMLA coverage would increase on the anniversary of my job start date in May. So these two reasons are why I think she should get the surgery done when the weather is better and when my coverage kicks in so I can be off if I need to. She said she will be receiving help other than me, but I still want to be realistic and prepared. What's perplexing is she keeps saying that this is not about me. While I know she has narcissistic tendencies, it still puzzles me how she can keep saying that. I have been there for her over the years even though she is hard to talk to all of the time. With my other two sisters: one lives out of town and likes to be on the go a lot (also with narcissistic tendencies that doesn't help because she jumps and accuses without talking things out like my mother) and the other lives right here in town and never, ever comes around. I've been there for her and my grandmother (my deceased father's stepmother) for most of the holidays and regular days but I am not always there because of my own life and frankly because of my mother being hard to get along with. Yet I can say I have done things to try to make them happy, even though I receive a lot of negative comments, especially from my mother. She can be very competitive even with her own children. So now, I was even considering taking off a semester from school along with using the FMLA with the work leave, but with her keeping on saying this is not about me and being derogatory instead of discussing the issue at hand, I don't know if I want to even do that, specifically with school. For one, I'm currently an A student and two, I'm already 52 years old and obviously don't have the time to stop going, where I'm picking back up to finish my B.A. degree after years of being away. I'm even thinking about her in doing that because then I will be getting paid well and it can help with her finances. So the question is what do I do about her upcoming surgery and just her in general? To point out, I don't expect her to do it my way as she puts it. I told her I just want her to think things through in considering everything and the best possible course of action. Thanks for any advice; I have been reading the stories here and I love this site that gives great online support.
Let's pick apart your post;
"Tonight.....she was told by her doctor that she'll be receiving hip surgery in February."
Did she complain about that? No, it sounds like she agreed with it. Why?
Often times, when a person needs hip surgery (replacement), they're in a lot of pain. I'm sure she's tired of pain and doesn't care what the weather conditions are.
"She said she will be receiving help other than me."
That means she's not DEPENDING on only you to help her. Take her cue and be available but don't rearrange your schedule. Do NOT leave school for a semester. Doing that puts you at risk for not returning to school.
"What's perplexing is that she keeps saying that this is not about me."
Nope, it's not. It's her surgery, her recovery and her hip. If she has made other care arrangements and you keep wanting to interject, do you see why she may think that way?
Since she doesn't have dementia, I'm sure she feels FULLY capable to handle this whole situation. It doesn't sound like YOU think she can. By your suggesting and pushing, she could feel like you think she's not capable of arranging her convalescence.
"I'm not always there because of my own life and frankly that my mother is hard to get along with."
I'm sure she realizes how her personality has affected her children. One (like her) is too busy to visit, the other never visits and you who sounds like you'd rather not due to her difficult personality. Do ya think that she would want you there 24/7 if she feels your vibes about not really wanting to be there?
I know what I'm talking about. My son and I don't get along. I would NEVER want him to take time off work and school to care for me! We'd be at each others throats within hours.
"...I receive a lot of negative comments, especially from my mother. She can be very competitive even with her own children."
If Mom is in competition with you and says nasty things to you, are you putting ALL this time and energy out to win her favor and make her like you?
Sweetie, take the lead from your mom and back off. No matter how "good" you are you can't win someone's love that way. You are pushing against one side of the door and she is pushing against the other. Give up. It's hard to realize we aren't treated the way we want or wanted to be, but focus on the other POSITIVE things in your life and keep on going.
Does she understand how hard this surgery is? Also, the rehab is strenuous and she’s 80 years old? My mom was refused hip surgery because it’s too dangerous after a certain age. But sometimes we just have to let people make their own decisions.
I think what you can do about her in general is get on with your life. Do what you need to do for your own reasons. You are working toward a higher salary so that you can help her with her finances? What? You don't expect to be retired someday yourself? You are certain you won't have expensive illnesses yourself in the future? What does she need financial help with?
I think you can allow and encourage your mother to maintain her independence as long as she possibly can.
Most people who schedule a hip replacement are in considerable pain, or have severe mobility issues, or both. Now Mom has an opportunity to feel better and move better, starting in a few weeks. But you suggest she should put that off for a few months. While you certainly mean well, you can surely see that this might not be perceived as being in her best interest.
Let her make her own decisions, support her in them, and keep doing what is good for you.