She will not sleep alone. It’s been almost 3yrs now. We can’t take it anymore. What can we do? We feel terrible about this. I live in another state. My brother has lived with her and our stepfather for 20yrs. He doesn’t work. I have to work all day. He wants me to take her for longer than a month. I would be able to take her, but I can’t take that she has to sleep with me in my bed every night. I need some privacy. I know he needs privacy also because she sleeps in his room in a chair when she’s at home in a lounge chair. She wants us to entertain her all day long. Everyday. So when she comes to stay with me I have to put her on my married daughters that have children. It’s OK for the first two weeks maybe but then it becomes a lot after a month. I have to work. She will not seek help. She doesn’t try to help herself. I keep telling her to seek help. She says it’s temporary. It’s going on 3yrs.
No to her sleeping in your bed with you (ever!) no to her sleeping in the same room with you, no to entertaining her all day long. No to parking her with your adult daughters.
What are you guys so afraid of for Pete's sake? That your mom may have a few sleepless night? SO WHAT???
It really isn't much different than when our children were little and wanted to sleep with us. Some parents allowed that for far too long(like your brother with your mom)and had a heck of a time getting their little ones to once again to sleep in their own rooms by themselves. But eventually these little ones did learn to sleep by themselves in their own room, and that is what your mom now needs to learn.
But if you and your brother don't stop enabling this bad and really sick(truth be told)behavior, it will only continue.
So get with your brother and start practicing the art of saying NO. It's really not that hard at all to say it once you get used to it.
And yes, your mom will be just fine when this is all said and done, but it's up to you and brother to at least get the ball rolling in the right direction.
She doesn't need to be entertained all day long.
She's depressed and needs meds. And/or she is declining cognitively. You're all preventing her from getting real help by not putting up boundaries and taking her to a doctor. It's not normal grieving. Stop passing her around. None of you seems to know what a healthy boundary is, nor respect other people's boundaries (I pity your daughters being assumed into caregiving).
Take her to the ER for a social admit. Don't take her back to your homes. Talk to a social worker at the hospital and make a plan to transition her directly into a facility where she will be cared for without burning out the entire rest of her family.
Don't let your brother pressure or guilt you into taking her in. Sure, he needs a break and a solution, but it can no longer be you and other family members. Everyone needs to move on with their lives.
If she just has to be entertained , put the TV on , get books, magazines . Don’t stick this on your daughters with children .
Also how about going to adult daycare to be entertained .
As far as sleeping with you in your bed .
All you need is the word “ No “ .
Get her a body pillow to sleep with .
Has she had cognitive testing ? Does anyone have POA?
Sleeping with you mom is inappropriate, to say the least. As for her entertainment, you're not her dancing monkey. Teach her to play solitaire and do crosswords. Sewing and knitting are good pastimes. Cleaning out your kitchen cabinets might be another. Your mom needs to get off her duff and be useful for a change.
Its not your job or your brother's job to keep mother happy and entertained 24/7. He may feel the need to do all this for her since he's not working and living there, probably free of charge. Meanwhile, he's enabled her to be like an infant again, so now what?
Now you all have to learn the No word and begin using it! Mother WILL sleep eventually when you tell her you won't get in bed with her. Your brother is not sleeping in a bed with her and she's sleeping, right? You've just got to change things up and create a NEW normal, whether she agrees with it or not. And mother can entertain herself or go directly into into Assisted Living where activities and entertainment abound.
You wouldn't put up with your children demanding such things, stop putting up with your mother demanding such things!
Why? Is it guilty. Why would you feel guilt. What do you feel guilt about? You didn't make your dad sick and pass away. You didn't make your mom old.
Your brother is in serious risk of having his own burnout and health issues from this. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to sleep with your mom. It is both of your responsibility for letting this go on so long, and letting a very sweet elder run your life.
What you are doing just can't be sustainable for ever for all of you. Your moms 85 and healthy, do you realize she could live another 10 years give or take.
It's time for you and your brother to let your mom, adult.
Oh I know how hard it is. My dad died 4 years ago this week. You just want your mom to be happy and more at peace. I'm here on this forum because I got burntout, so depressed at my life. I didn't care if I lived or died.
Maybe you are the stronger sybling to put your mom in her own room, to get the ball rolling, on getting your mom some independence.I would tell her before she comes, that you would love to have her but she has to sleep in the extra roo
If she gives you the poor me I can't sleep alone stuff , stick to your guns . You deserve a life and so does your brother.
Your moms health is eventually going to start failing you and your brother need to start putting your foot down now.
Best of luck.
Freudian, even.