My mother lives quite far from I. She repeatedly calls to state the husband wants her to move out. She constantly tell me how horrible he is to her. “Yells and screams all the time”. She calls adult services to find a escape. I asked her to video tape the husband with a camera. I don’t always agree with what she’s saying. She has dementia and Alzheimer’s. She refuses on the camera. I said I’ll buy the camera and install the next time I visit. She still refuses. But “I’m telling the truth you don’t believe me.” Help ! how do I keep the peace with her?
'Unless there is a mistake here, your mother is 52 (as per your profile) and your husband is 76. Your own age isn’t given.
-Even if it’s you who are 52, you are a lot younger than your husband. What expectations did both of you about how the marriage and caregiving would work out? Is your husband angry because it hasn’t lived up to expectations, as well as his own health issues? Where are your husband’s family (including his parents and children) in all this?
-Mother is ‘living at home’ with anxiety and depression. Where is ‘home’ and what care needs does she actually have? At 52, what are her plans for her own future care? What other family members (on both sides) are involved with her?
My feeling (which of course may be way off beam) is that you need a counselor and a lawyer for yourself, to plan your own future. I’m actually hoping that you are a troll making this all up.'
If she 'calls adult services to find an escape'........has APS been out to her home to check things out?
Good luck.
Have you spoken to Mom's husband? Do you get along? Would he confide in you?
Sounds like things are pretty tough there.. That Mom is afraid (due to real events or hallucinated ones).
I'm not sure what you can do from a distance. Is Mom's truth - truth or tall tales? Talking to her Husband & neighbours (if possible) will also be subjective.
Are you wanting to validate what Mom is saying?
Or you are confident she is actually safe & ok - you need more tactics for calming her down?
It is a system set up to protect the elderly and only releases information to the courts or attorneys.
It is a difficult system to deal with because of that.
If your mother is actually older, and has dementia, it sounds like she should no longer be living by herself, and you may need to start looking for the appropriate facility to be placed in, or hiring(with her money)full-time help to come stay with her.
And you as her daughter need to start educating yourself about dementia, because if you were familiar with it, you would know that the best thing you can do when a loved one has delusions/hallucinations is to just go along with whatever they're saying and not argue with them or tell them that they're wrong. If your mother does have dementia, her brain is now broken and it will never get better, only worse, so again education on it will help you immensely.
The book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource along with the multitude of videos on YouTube by Teepa Snow9a dementia expert)will be great help as well.
You are now going to have to live in your mothers world as she can no longer live in yours.