My parent stole my inheritance. Twice. I am their caregiver. What would you do?
I've been helping my parents downsize and was going through their files and saw one with my name and my siblings on it. I looked through it and I was supposed to have inherited an art collection almost 45 years ago from a great grandmother. It has been on my parent's walls all this time and they never told me. Lately they have been making a big deal of inviting people over from various museums planning to donate it. I poked around the rest of the filing cabinets and my grandfather had left me money in a trust that my parents did not tell me about that I was supposed to have gotten when I was 30. They did hand over the reigns to a modest investment account when I was 40 but never mentioned my grandfather and acted as if it were a gift from them. There was another grandmother that I was very close to that left me nothing, which I figured was her choice but what if she did?
I feel so sad and ill right now and my chest feels like it's ripping up. It's part knowing that my relatives wanted these things for me and cared and I spent all this time not knowing. It's also the money. So much of my life has been spent struggling financially when I had plenty of money and assets all along. I've lived nasty places where you hear gunshots at night and if put down a white piece of paper on the moldy carpet you can see fleas jumping around on it. I've passed up so many opportunities because I was being safe. I've taken and stayed at jobs working for awful people because of a good health insurance plan. My kids could have had so many more opportunities. I've always been the "good" one who followed the rules and worked hard and never complained out loud.
I have poured so much of my life and love into my parents. The kicker is that I am my parents' (unpaid) primary caregiver. Right now this means making sure they go to their appointments, the house is clean, fridge stocked, their dog goes to the vet, the yard looks good, I visit daily and cook for them often. I have not talked with them about the inheritances. I'm fairly certain my mother has early dementia and my father is completely disabled and can barely feed himself though his mind is in better shape than my mom's. I cannot look them in the eyes any more. I cannot stand going to their house, but I do. They ask me if I am cross and I blame other things. I've been told my father has a year left. He suffers physically and takes a lot of pain meds.
I look at my own kids and I cannot fathom what my parents did. What would you do?
8 Answers
Popular Questions
- How can I get mom to stop sending money to mail-in sweepstakes? She refuses to believe they are scams!
- How to tell my sister that I should be paid or get more than 1/2 of the inheritance for taking care of mom?
- My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?
Related Questions
- Mom passed. 2 siblings, no WILL or any POA. The younger sibling was named beneficiary on mother's bank account. What can older sibling do?
- I cared for my mother for 14 years without any pay or thanks. My sister was the executor and now she’s billed the estate for her “work.”
- Need to prepare a will, is there help?
- Can I skip probate?
B*st*rds!!!
Honestly, what has happened to you is the storyline of a three volume Victorian novel.
First of all, you complete your research.
Then, you master the information.
Then, you decide whether or not you can forgive them.
Meanwhile, as your parents are already aware that there is a problem, and there certainly is a problem that nobody could realistically be expected to keep under wraps, you are going to have to look them in the eye and say "your parents' wills have come to light. Is there anything you want to tell me about that?"
It is your parents who should be having trouble looking you in the eye. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of.
Don't bother about asking them why they did what they did. The reason is obvious, and the discussion will go nowhere. Avoid anything emotional, so far as you can, and stick to the facts.
Are you an only child? Is there anyone else in the wings with their hand out for an inheritance? If so, it would be good to contact them and see if you can come to some agreement. Also consider if your parents still have assets and if you understand the contents and location of their wills. You may need to be talking to their executor in advance about your justified claims on their estate. If they have real estate, you might want to put a lien on it to secure your claim - see a lawyer if so.
It would be good if you separate in your head these money/ asset issues from the way you feel about your parents’ position now in old age. I’ve been there – the dreadful father who poisoned my youth was not the helpless old man at the end. If you can, pursue your legal rights while continuing to care for these old people. Two separate boxes in your head! If you can do this, you may be able to continue to care for them as people while dealing with the legalities of what you are owed.
You have my sympathy in a dreadful situation, where it is impossible to forgive. Just do what you can, for yourself and for them.
Actually thinking about it, I think I would take a copy of the paperwork that states the picture on the wall was left for me & walk in their house and take the picture right off the wall. If my parents say something I would show them the paperwork. But hey that's just me!
It really sucks when you believe that a parent has your best interest at heart just to find out that he/she was just looking out for themselves. That is a feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I'm with Sendhelp, they are getting the picture appraise.
May God give you strength to fight for what is yours.
Good Luck
They are likely getting appraisals, not donating the art work.
Are they narcissists?
Never confront a narcissist, unless you want to see them scorch the earth beneath your feet. imo.
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer.
Why are you care-giving for them? Did you think they were destitute? That they could not afford to pay their own way?
Have you ever been to therapy?