My parents need additional care, but refuse due to pride, money and denial. How do I convince them?

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My parents need additional care, but refuse due to pride, money and denial. How do I convince them?

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Food prep, financial assistance and medication issues

Mobility issues

Partner caregiver fatigue -not admitted, but apparent.

Thay're unwilling to accept outside support or hired help.

Insist on remaining in an apartment.

How to convince them they need more help than they acknowledge when they're in denial and refuse to look at options? My brother and I do not have POA and they will not recognize that need.

Care Decisions Home Care Refusing Care

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Step back. They will be fine, or they will fall over; either way their need or otherwise will become inescapably clear.

We all need goods and services to some extent. You are independent if you are able to source and pay for the goods and services you require to sustain your lifestyle. So if I need a plumber or an electrician or a dog walker, that doesn't make me any less independent. But if I expect someone else to sort all this out for me, and to carry out my domestic tasks of daily living, and provide basic life support such as cooking, medications management, personal care then either I find and pay for those services too OR...

I am no longer independent.

What exactly are you and bro doing for them (and partner tolerating, just)? And over what period of time has it been building up?

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Please write a book with this stuff. The world needs it 😃.

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As long as they are considered mentally competent, you can not change their situation. It would take a doctor declaring them mentally incompetent and/or the local authorities assessing their situation and declaring that they can't live in their home alone (or even stay in their home). Until then, be kind and let them experience the consequences of their decisions.

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Good Morning,

Get your name on everything to do with medical--health insurance, dental, etc.

If you don't no one can discuss anything with you.

Speak with an Elder Attorney, some will give you a free consultation.

If something happens, usually 2 o'clock in the morning, you don't want to be scrambling. Keep everything in a bright red waterproof portfolio. Do you know how many times I have had to grab this.

Get all your papers in order now--even if you have to use a shoe box. Get a file cabinet. Post your list of prescriptions on the refrigerator door with docs names, contact info. Put a copy in your purse and brother's wallet in case you have to head out to the ER unexpectedly.

Play what if with your mother and tell her the benefits--the other way you're going to end up spending a lot of money with probate what you can do now is important.

This is common issue with a lot of older folks. They ignore it. They don't realize the HIPPA laws, etc.

You are right to bring this up...your mother is lucky to have the both of you.

Amen...

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100% yes to this answer! I have been perpetually thankful my folks had done a POA ages ago - there were a couple hurdles, and things in general have been a pain, but if I didn't have that, it would have been awful.
Yes, on the elder law attorney consult!

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"I am here if you want to talk to me".

Your message. On repeat.

Await the fall (or other crises) to assist the dissapating of their denial.

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A few years ago, I looked up Medical Power of Attorney paperwork and Durable Power of Attorney paperwork. I found printable copies, and printed them out. talked to them about the need for this for their good, they signed and we had them witnessed and notarized.
The secret to getting this done is in how you present this to them.
For instance: you could tell them that you need to get a notarized power of attorney signed, so when they make a trip to the hospital, you will be allowed to talk to the doctors so they won't have to while they are in distress.
My stepdad and mom put me on all of their bank accounts so I could make sure bills are paid in case anything happens.
If you come at this from the standpoint of doing it to help them stay independent for as long as possible so the state does not take over, it might help.
We went the whole Elder Care Attorney AFTER I had done all of this, and he basically charged $1000.00 to do it all again, but admitted that I had covered everything and we were fine.
Sell them on the idea of this helping them to stay in their home, then when they are smacked in the face that they do need more help, you can do more to get it done.
Another thing that has been a huge help, is an automated pill box from Amazon. You set it up, then when the alarm goes off, they turn it over and take that dose.
I have learned so much in the last 3 years. I keep very good records of all I spend from mom's account (stepdad passed away) and if she lives long enough for her money to run out and have to go into MC on Medicaid, I have the records of her expenditures for the lookback period, and the ability to do that for her.

They have to see this as completely for their benefit, which it is. Repeatedly let them know this will help them remain independent for as long as possible, or: wait until a problem arises and then comes the "I told you so."

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Hey - thanks for mentioning the pill box on Amazon! This may be just what I need for my mother.

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This is a tough one, my father did not give me his DPOA until 2 days before he died, I had to run around Hospice to get one witnessed and notarized. Fortunately, he was of sound mind until the day he died.

My mother easily agreed understanding the importance of this document, along with a current will.

IMO the only thing that you can do is back off from helping, they might recognize that they will have to agree to do something else.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.

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Yes, don't enable or disable them. Maybe contact Office of Aging and ask them if they could come and evaluate the situation. Then they sit down with ur parents and tell them they need more help than they can give each other. Its not fair to expect your children to fill in the blanks when their are resources out their to make their lives easier. Sometimes hearing the same thing u have been telling them from someone else, they will listen. If they don't, then say that you can only do so much. You have responsibilities of your own.

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I went through that with my dad who lived alone 50 miles from me. After talking with doctors etc. there was little I could do if he wasn’t willing. Finally, he fell down his stairs and laid there for 3 days until his neighbor became suspicious since the lights were on day and night. They found him there and he was barely alive. He was in the hospital for several weeks where his dementia was finally diagnosed. He had no choice but to come live with me at my house after that. Sometimes it takes a crisis before you can intervene.

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Elders often listen to their peers and friends, so find a trusted friend of theirs to talk to them about what wonderful help they received from their own family members. How they didn’t realize how nice the help would be. This worked on my dad. The other thing you can do is a reset and then gradually take over their affairs. No more discussion about them needing help. Parents resent their children telling them what to do as they are supposed to be in charge of their children. They also don’t want to lose their independence and they don’t want to recognize the need for help. Plus, nobody likes to be told what to do. So now your tactics change. You approach them about their needs in a very respectful and helpful manner. Don’t challenge them, don’t turn it into an argument, and don’t take over no matter how difficult the situation. In fact, don’t even let them know you are helping them manage their affairs. Let them see that you are on their side and give them the impression that they are still independent and in control. Let them keep their dignity. You can start by putting some laundry on or taking the garbage out or bringing by some groceries you thought they might like when you visit or making a meal or two or even bring over a meal that they especially love that they can eat over the course of several days. You can help your mom or dad with organizing their bills or tidying up their apartment. One simple little thing to start. Over time you will gradually assume more responsibilities and they will be more willing to let go. As this progresses you can bring in third-parties to help manage their affairs. This worked with both of my parents. Unfortunately, our elders don’t recognize their needs and an accident or emergency often occurs before they’re able to recognize the need for help. Good luck.

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TheMitzi: Perhaps their town has a dedicated elder case worker on staff with the COA (Council on Aging). They should also have on staff a social worker. Utilize these individuals if available or have their town's police department make an in person well being check. Bear in mind, that oftentimes the elder waits for a crisis/or crises to occur due to stubborn mindedness and other things.

My parents need additional care, but refuse due to pride, money and denial. How do I convince them?

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