My mother is in an excellent assisted living place she is very happy and active during the day. At night she wants to leave and go home, she calls every night. She does not remember much past about 2 or 3 minutes of conversation. Should I keep telling her ok. Her house has been long sold. I hate "lying "to her about going home. Is it OK to tell her her house is gone or is it better to keep "lying ".
You’re not lying by not telling her about her house. Because you have told her! And she’s forgotten it. You tell her again, she’ll forget again. After a while, it’s only a punishment to yourself, and to her because it will inevitably cause her to become upset for no purpose.
I have not one doubt that you wish things (and her) were different, but these things we say to protect our parents are ZERO different than the things our parents used to tell us to protect us. How many of us got a “No, because I said so,” growing up?
Don’t feel badly. Ultimately, tell her what she needs to hear.
I had a friend once who worked in professional institutional caregiving, and she would consistently tell those who wanted to go home sure, no problem, your family's coming, why don't you think about what you need to pack? Most of the time, she said, they might get out their suitcase and put a few things in, then would forget why they were doing it, the caregivers would put those things away again once they'd wandered away, and the anxiety would pass. That always seemed to me a very humane way to handle it.
Other strategies are: redirecting the conversation (and just keep redirecting it); signing her up for an activity in her wing (you'd probably need help from the admin or staff to get her there); installing timers on all her lights (daylight wattage) so they go on before she starts sundowning and reduces the amount of shadows in her apartment. Wishing you success in helping to calm her!
Also remind yourself that "lies" are to sooth and calm her, but they aren't for nefarious purposes (unlike politicians who seem to be able to lie quite easily.)
Be aware that home may not be the last place she lived. It could be a childhood home. The first house she ever owned.