She works part time and I work full time. She is also younger than I am. In spite of my insistence to my parents that I am able and willing to contribute more and that the tasks should be more evenly divided between us, they continue to expect my sister to be there for nearly every appointment and errand. This has caused tension and resentment. I am hurt and angry and feel left out of family situations, no matter how mundane.
It may seem crazy, but I wonder if your parents have pigeon holed you and your sister in the same way, and that is why they always ask for her. If so, my own experience was that I did what needed to be done, even if it upset her ideas. Best wishes to you and your sisters in getting through a difficult situation.
Tension, resentment, hurt, anger, exclusion: these are all very painful and difficult feelings and we want to get rid of them; but could you say a little more about who is feeling which, and where the conflict(s) are arising?
It is actually no bad thing with medical appointments, specifically, if the communication chain is as short as possible with one person attending appointments and controlling information. If your parents are happy for your sister to share this information with you, that is a bonus - you may have to step in and you do need to know - but I wouldn't divide that particular job if I were you.
For the rest of it: is your sister showing signs of burnout? Have you heard rumours that she is not happy with how much you're contributing? Do you feel, perhaps, that she is somehow "hogging" your parents' attention? Or are you indignant on her behalf?
Obviously the first step should be to talk to your sister, but then again that is so obvious I guess you must have reasons for not already having done so. Do you feel like going further into the details?
Do you ask her what things she has on her plate with your parents and if you can help her by removing any of them? What does she say?
The reason I ask is that my sibling situation was more accusatory, and to people under stress for their caregiving, frankly, having one more person that they have to "care" for in addition to the load is not helpful. Just ask HOW you can help, and listen, and be ready to pick up those tasks. You can't control your parents desire to have a particular person with them at some appointments, and I would recommend division of tasks where one person does do most/all medical appts, another finances, etc so there is consistancy. Handoffs require A TON of additional communication.
Take responsibility for calling your sibling and asking how the appointment went, you wouldn't believe how much even that is an additional task to have to relay info to others over and over. And ASK what you can do (note I say that several times). Accusing someone of "leaving you out" if you aren't truly engaging is just meaning you feel they should do even more work to make sure you are included. This was our experience, accusatory "you are controlling" "I don't get a say" but didn't want to meet once a month to discuss tasks needing to be done, only wanted to communicate via text, didn't call for updates after appointments but expected to be told what happened. After a slow withdrawal of communication (who wants to be accused of something else every time you interact?), we have next to zero communication now between 2 of us on one side and 2 on the other.
Tiptoe, and make sure what you say is coming from a positive place that will help everyone, not to just express some pent up feelings. And, watch your body language and word choice. Maybe even have this conversation in front of a counselor. If I could go back again, I would have a counselor involved. At one point, me saying "when you say 'this' (usually how she didn't agree with choice to move mom into AL), you need to realize you make 'Alice' feel guilty" was taken by a sister as me telling her she can't express her feelings.
Another sister would pull the "it's what Mom wants" but only on when it matched with her own opinion. Like, we didn't all want "what Mom wants", and frankly, sometimes your elderly parent(s) don't want what is factually best for them... they just want what they want. It can really get complicated.
A large percent of families have issues during this time, and the articles I've read say that it is partially from pent up feelings about our role in the family from childhood, so as much as you may not want to hear it, TouchMatters is truly giving you some good advice.
Do you want to help to fufill your needs? Or to help your sister and your parents? Helping is when we make someone ELSE's life better.
They will adapt. You girls have a life, too. I’m sure both of you can meet the needs of your parents. You are lucky to have a sister that cares as much as you do.
Best Wishes,
Gale
It is not clear who the "tension and resentment" refers to. Is your sister the one who is resenting this? Does she blame you? If so, work with her and find a plan closer to 50/50. She should understand that this is not your doing, but rather the parents' expectations. Work around them - if they require assistance and cannot do these things on their own, then they will have to work with whoever shows up! Ask for her input about what you can do to help her more help them.
Parents can expect HER to be there for appointments or errands, but if you show up, what will they do about it? All you would have to tell them is that sister had an emergency or something planned and that you are able and willing to help. Perhaps you could even tell them that you miss them and wanted to spend some time with them!
Talk to your sister. Make an agreement among you two...and then approach your parents and share how it's going to go and why.
Imho, transparency is really important at this stage of the game...
All the best!!