My sister has historically shouldered the brunt of my mom's care because she lives so close to her. Recently my sister's health has declined and I am now assuming more responsibility for my mom's care, 3-4 days per week 24/7 including meals and the scheduling of doctor's appointments. My brother does absolutely nothing for her, and doesn't offer or inquire as to what needs to be done. He calls on Mother's Day and holidays and visits once or twice a year. He only lives about two hours away. He used to live much closer, still did nothing and moved without the slightest care as to how she would be cared for and by whom. Is it fair for him to receive an equal inheritance? I ask because my mom insists that we should all inherit equally, but does not insist or even ask that he contribute anything to her care or needs which are extensive due to her age and hearing impairment which requires that she be accompanied even when she is visited by home health care practitioners. I feel resentful of this but don't know how to express this without sounding like a greedy little b******.
That said, my post was done before reading other comments. When I got to salutem's following response, I have a little more to say:
"OK, there was a simple question within the context of my post. All you needed to do is simply answer yes or no. All of your responses have been arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous. In addition you have voiced your gratuitous opinions far too frequently. One response is sufficient. Now enough is enough."
Of the comments I have read so far, I don't think they were "arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous." Certainly not ALL, as you state. There is no real simple "yes or no" answer to your concerns and others have tried to make suggestions about how to go forward with this.
IF you don't like the answers given, that is your prerogative. Nothing says you have to come back or accept anyone's comments. However it is unnecessary to be so rude to everyone who has tried to put perspective on the issue and/or make suggestions about how to be compensated NOW, because changing the inheritance is not likely to happen.
I also have questions because your profile AND a comment you posted give conflicting information:
Profile: "I am caring for my mother Jane, who is 91 years old, living in assisted living with cancer and stroke."
Profile: "I'm a 63yr. old taking care of a parent who has recently had a stroke and needs around-the-clock care."
Comment: "If that were true, then my sister and I would be doing nothing for my mother which means she would have to be living in a facility."
Is she living in a facility or not?
However, given that you don't like what you are reading here... it is a moot point.
As with others, I am not going to bother reading any more posts nor do I have anything further to say other than what mom wants to do with her assets is her business. Fair or not, it IS what she wants regardless about how you or your sister feel about it.
Unfortunately my first post was before reading many responses - the last one was in response to OPs pretty nasty comment. That's when I decided I was done! We can still support each other and anyone else who is in a similar situation. OP can go cry in her beer.... alone.
1) It is mom's assets and if she wants all of you to inherit equally, so be it.
2) If you are expending your own assets, you should be reimbursed.
3) Look into what is possible for getting paid for the care you do provide now.
Care provided in the past is in the past. Not much can be done about that. Going forward, IF mom is agreeable and you can draw up a legal contract (consult with Elder Care Atty), see to it that you and your sister get paid for what you provide now. This may be considered "taxable" income, so factor that in and ask questions about it with the Atty (do you only have to claim the income or will she need to cover taxes, SS and other deductions.)
Our mom has enough assets to last years (she is almost 96 and in MC now.) Her will, drawn up long ago, also distributes evenly between the three of us. Certainly the younger brother helped out now and then over the years, and with some prodding is now taking her to the longest distance appt (mac deg, staying with those who have treated it for years.) The other brother (typical "golden" boy) is not, nor has he been, local. They did both "help" with clearing out, cleaning up and fixing condo for sale, but certainly not as much as I did!!! It was 1.5 hrs each way, so I spent a lot of time and gas money getting that done! Prior to the move 3 years ago, I also took over the "duties" mom could no longer perform (managing accounts, paying bills, grocery when we took car away, making proper foods vs frozen dinners, etc.) I am still the one doing all the financial duties, including taxes - sale of condo impacted all of us, but who had to do all the running around??? I also make all appts, take her to all but that one now, arrange hair cuts, etc as well as manage her meds and OTC needs - basically 99.999% of what needs to be done that MC doesn't cover. It DOES still take up a lot of my time!
However, despite I feel being "used", it isn't like they put a gun to my head and said do it. Someone needed to take this on, so I did. I really can't see either of them being able to do what I do (one not local, clueless, the other still has years to go before retirement, also clueless - I suspect if something happens to me, everything WILL fall apart!!!) Also, this is what mom wanted, so this is what will be. Unless mom is competent and WANTS to make a change, c'est la vie.
You have a wonderful mother! You are a gift to your mom. A gift is given with nothing expected in return. Most grow resentful if their devotion isn’t recognized which is totally understandable.
Honey11 I'm delighted that your mother has recognised your selfless devotion and that your brother was so gracious. But Salutem was asking what to do when your family has taken the *opposite* view.
Get a different family, I guess..?
expected I guess forever!
no one wants to help?
Do it for yourself or let them do it?
what do you do, when no one else cares for the burden?
We just suck it up as usual?
Where is the family ?
we are all done until they maybe get it?
Then what, we are done,
Great for them, yet parent will now hate you!
Fun!
Your mother's wishes are clear. You and your sister are making the choice to care for her because... ... There are a lot of ways you can probably finish that sentence, but I doubt any of them have to do with money.
I have six siblings - two sisters, four bros. I was the only one taking care of my mom for 10 years, until the last year when it got extreme, and then three of them helped at different times. The sisters always the most. The brothers, with one exception, got a pretty free ride.
Some of this was geography. Some of this was codependence. Some of this was the kind of avoidance you may feel your brother is engaging in, which feels exploitative. Whatever the reasons, you are all making a choice. When your mother is no longer with you, what percentage of her inheritance will matter much less than how you go on feeling about yourself for the choices you made.
While it may not be fair about who is doing the most, it is a choice that each person in the family makes. I look at it as - I do what I can live with. Meaning, I do not want my mother drugged to death at a nursing home to make staff jobs easier. I do not want her subjected to diapering while she is still capable of getting to the bathroom with a little assistance. I could not live with myself to put her in that situation, so I'm doing what I feel I have to do to keep her in a home setting as long as possible. Each of us has certain levels of what we can live with. Some people can deposit a family member into a facility and walk away never even bothering to think the care may be far below acceptable. I don't know how they live with that decision anymore than they would understand why I would spend 24/7 to avoid it.
With all that said, I do not believe any of us should be doing what we do/do not do with the anticipation of how much $ we'll get in the end. Your mom has an estate of some sort (home,cash,etc) because she earned those things in her lifetime. There is every possibility a facility would be needed at some time before she passes and those assets will be spent down to pay for her care. That's what 'her' assets are for. What's leftover should be shared equally as she has made clear to all of you.
Is it fair, NO
Will they receive an equal share of my moms money when she passes. YES
My mom is now in AL, and spending her money for her care.
Your resentment may escalate, which is normal..
Your not alone... Hang in there...
My point is - money is not the difference here because there is no money. My resentment is because of the obvious lack of caring. They both say they are concerned about ME - but the one does not offer to help make it easier. But you know what they say "what goes around, comes around". I love mom and just want to take care of her.
Also, I worked in the Estates Division of a large law firm years ago. It was amazing how families fought over money after a death. It made me ALMOST glad we did not have any !!
2 - it is a fact that it is your mom's wish to divide her money how she wishes & that's that - but she should be contributing to any expense you or sis incur helping her such as gas money, parking etc - also if you end up taking her out for lunch because of an appointment she should pay for you both - if you haven't told her now is the time & explain that she should have been giving it to sis too
You are blessed with a good brother though. My brothers don’t care if I beg for help. They are pretty much doing their own thing. They rarely visit mom. She would love to see them. Got tired of asking them to visit. They live near me. They could visit, just don’t. If they need money they come to get cash or a check. They have never had a problem visiting then. Sad.
I was in the same situation as you Salutem. I provided for my dad (time, service and financially) even though that left me in debt. No help from siblings. But I would do it again. I cared for my dad because I wanted to and because I love him dearly. I would rather be left with so much debt than with regrets and guilt. That is the least I can do for him for all he did for me and my siblings. The inheritance is given to the children because we are our parents' children not because we served or cared for them. To serve or care for them is our choice. Our/your reward is much more precious that any inheritance. You have a blessed heart, peace of mind, a clear and guilt free conscience, and you're able to express your love to your mom that your brother was not able to.
WeTrulyCare
Let it go. The Living are in your future. As a Professional for over 45 years I saw painful Family separations over Wills. It’s just not worth the stress. You give what you can because you want to....if you can’t give this much time then make other arrangements.
Nope! Its because the inheritance is just given by parents that's it.
If your Mom has a Valid Will that is how it must be done, period.
If she doesn’t have Will, she dies Intestate and the laws of that State are very clear as to the distribution of assets. Fairness has no part of the law itself.
My lawyer and moms lawyer did the work of putting together a contract so I will get reimbursed (sp?) for the money I spend to care for her. (also a small amount daily paid to me for the work I personally do to care for mom daily 24/7) Who knows if Mom will outlive the money. I am not sure what I will do since a second person in my large house helps with the bills, as my mom does now. I am concerned about money all the time.
I thank God daily that the boys worked with the lawyers and agreed to the plan. It takes some of the pain away that I experienced 5 or 6 years ago when the family was destroyed and now NO CONTACT. One of my brothers still owes me over $8,000. He wanted Mom's money to pay me, but I said "no way" to that since mom needs her money for the rest of her life. (maybe that was the wrong decision on my part... Would of, could of, should of..........we all need to give ourselves a break and do the best we can each day.
Geeeeez, he wanted your mom’s money to pay you. So basically he wanted to rob Peter to pay Paul. Wow! Just wow! That is crazy! Looks like you got the brains in your family!
God bless.
Obviously you can't get much done on Sundays as there are no offices open. So she was useless. Since we were inheriting about the same amount-dad and I worked out a deal that he would pay for groceries and utility bill. I paid mortgage
and all other bills as usual. This did ease my burden financially since his care was 24/7.
Now that he is gone, I know that I did the right thing. We shared so many great talks and every night he would tell me how much he loved me. That is my true reward and maybe I will be rewarded in heaven when we reunite.