Long story short, my fiancé has been dealt a tough card of being the caregiver of a 97 year old, a mentally ill father in his 60's, as well as an uncle who also requires assistance. All three live together, his father and grandmother recently came home from the hospital after a 3 week stay (diabetes and major mental health issues for his father). His grandmother refuses to go to a nursing home yet she is extremely weak and requires complete care, but she is cognitively there--just very emotionally fragile. Hard to imagine but she constantly orders her son and my fiancé around. She then cries and my fiancé feels so bad that he gives in to whatever she wants/needs.
My fiancé is completely burnt out. ..took over 3 weeks off work (unpaid) to go to the hospital several times a day, deal with doctors, etc as he was dealing with multiple crisis situations at once with his dad and grandmother. He also had to check on his uncle (who was now alone, doesn't drive, and needs assistance) several times a day during all of this. I was away traveling for work at the start of all of this and he had to also come back to care for his 14 year old dog.
We live together about 30 minutes away. I am a single mom with two little kids and no family nearby and a professional career with lots of travel and heavy work responsibility. I also drive over an hour to and from work on the daily basis and have to cart my kids all over the state for travel sporting events. (just trying to paint the picture here of the situation).
I feel extremely guilty for being very resentful of my fiancé's situation. The situation has become progressively worse. He continues to say he is trying to get it under control so he can live his life, be more available for our family and my kids, stabilize the situation and go back to work, yet I don't see enough forward movement. (hiring more caregivers, etc). I progressively warned him that he shouldn't have them come home without all the help in place since it's unsafe for his gram to be home without people all the time, as well as making sure the house was in his name and not theirs---since there is a chance of a nursing home stay in the near future. She was in a rehab facility but kept demanding to go home, he gave in. Nothing has happened---he continues to drag his feet and do it all.... I'm very afraid he's going to start having major health issues himself from all of this.
I feel so bad for him but also resentful which makes me feel horrible. I feel like his family isn't thinking of him with all of this (him taking off work and then ends up falling on me to pick up the financial slack) and then I get the "who wouldn't help their family" from him and then I feel like such a horrible person.
My issue is that I feel like there's no end in sight and that me and my kids are the casualties with all of this. But maybe I am not being empathetic enough. I truly wish I was able to assist more to take the burden off him, yet my own schedule and life is barely do-able if that makes sense. I have to hire my own help here (cleaning person, etc) due to my crazy schedule and my Childrens crazy schedules.
How can I lessen the burden on all of us?? I am about ready to tell him to go move in with them and maybe we should take a break while everything is figured out. Yet he is insistent that he doesn't want to live there.
I'll add this in, we got engaged a year ago and right after that was when things seemed to go downhill with his family. We haven't been able to plan for our own future, plan a wedding or do anything because of having to worry about the next crisis. I am 39 (he's 48) and this all feels very overwhelming--I think for both of us.
I also want to say I feel for all of you that are caregivers. This situation has made me want to strongly plan for my own future so that my children aren't stuck picking up the pieces if I get ill.
Yes, there IS other help available, but gma won't accept it and he accedes to her demands.
As long as he isn't willing to have a "I can't do this anymore, gma" conversation (HARDEST convo I EVER had with my mom; she was in her "right mind" but had had a small stroke and didn't get that I would lose my job if I had to keep running away from work in order to put out fires), he is doomed to lose his life to her F.O.G.--Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Look it up.
I would not attach myself to someone who can't see that he has some hard choices to make in favor of his continued existence.
First of all, I just want to point out this irony - usually when someone calls you "selfish", it's because you won't do what THEY want you to do. So usually that word is bandied about to try and guilt you into doing what the person who has called you selfish wants you to do. AND when you start to do things out of guilt, resentment generally quickly follows. And that is not a healthy foundation for ANY relationship, but especially a marriage.
Secondly and more importantly - SO WHAT??? So what if people think you're "selfish"? Because you have set boundaries and won't move them, because you know if you do no good will come of it? Because you have the mental wherewithall to be able to recognize that this future your fiance sees is NOT what you want for either you or your children? Even IF there weren't children involved, there is no shame is saying "nope, I'm just not willing to be an elderly person's caregiver, and I'm not willing to put my entire life on hold while my partner takes on that role". Especially when you have spoken up about your concerns and have been ignored - or worse, been told that "you're selfish".
So go ahead and embrace that "selfishness" - because 1 year, 5 years, 10 years down the road, you will look back and see how you dodged a major bullet.
Mom had funds. And that's what that money was there to do. We had jobs, mortgages and children. No time to do those tasks.
I guess we weren't groomed to be our parents' slaves.
What else is that money earmarked for?
It's started to feel to me like this servitude has been "normalized" for fiance. It's why he needs therapy. To hear that it's not.
It rubbed off on the next gen, but not all. I can spot an individual of the 'I am loved when folk do stuff for me' type now. I suspect a low self-esteem is the basis. An interesting topic.
Your Mom was like my Grandma - not selfish at all. said you have lives & I won't be a burden 😊
If he is depending on you to take care of everything, pay all the bills and he does whatever he "feels" he needs to for his family, I think you have your answer. He doesn't see you and your children as his family. For me? I am not a sugar mommy, hit the road and go take care of your family so I am not being sucked dry emotionally, mentally or financially.
At 48 if he doesn't have the mental fortitude to say no, he will never be able to.
Grandma wants to die at home? Fine, this is what that will take granny, home help, not me.
Daddy's always having mental breaks? Stay on your meds or be committed to get stabilized and placed in an appropriate facility.
Uncle? What help specifically does he need? Find someone, not me.
There's a saying, Crap always runs down hill. There's a reason you feel like you are at the bottom of his list.
His grandmother can't be allowed to call the shots here. Neither can his father and uncle.
Your fiance cannot provide the level of care these three people need. No one person would be able to. I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and I couldn't handle your fiance's situation on my own.
He is not the only one left to help. He has choices. Homecare is a choice. Nursing home placement for grandmother is also a possibility.
Have a talk with him. The 'who wouldn't help their family' mentality he has is likely based on a good many years of guilting. It's not helping his family if he drives himself into the ground trying to do for them. What good will it do for him to enslave himself to them?
He can help them by arranging for them to be cared for. He does not have to do it himself. If these family members refuse to accept the help you and him can offer, screw them and walk away. Good luck.
A 60 year old mentally ill is not. This is now 40 years, 4 decades moving forward possibly, of care.
Going to first recommend a book, a memoir by a woman who tried EVERYTHING including dozens of caregivers and social workers to deal with her mentally ill Mom. She didn't live with this woman once she was grown, yet her life was held prisoner by her until she died eventually in a shelter.
Liz Scheirer's memoir is called Never Simple.
After you read this book you may have some decisions to make.
It's already clear to you what your Fiance's decision are. It may be getting close to time for you to make some of your own for yourself and your already here family.
You should also discuss the future if you continue living together; would he ever want to move any of these elders he feels so responsible for into your home? Where YOUR children (not his) are living?
You cannot change others. You can only make decisions for your own life.
Things here are not going to get better. They are only going to get worse.
In all truth, love is grand. However, it doesn't overcome all of this, and likely won't. Your husband basically "has" a primary family already, and so do you, and those primary families are not really going to be a good fit joined together IMHO. I think your post indicates you already recognize that.
Only you can make decisions for your own life. I needn't remind you that the lives of your children depend upon them being the right decisions. I sure wish you luck. This is a tough one.
I don't think you have a caregiving problem; I think you have a relationship problem with your fiance.
You said: "I'll add this in, we got engaged a year ago and right after that was when things seemed to go downhill with his family." I personally find the timing of that rather convenient. Could it be that he had an inkling about how fast things were going to get bad, and figured the best way to "hold on" to your relationship was with a proposal?
You also don't want to be perceived as being selfish ("then I get the "who wouldn't help their family" from him and then I feel like such a horrible person.") That's a clever statement with no good answer...designed to make you feel guilty if 1) you ask him to not help his family and 2) you say no when he tries to rope you into doing more for his.
If it were just 97 year old grandma with ongoing health issues, I might tell you to stay the course if you really love this man. The law of averages would be on your side, if you catch my drift. But dad in his 60's with mental health issues? Is that really the course you want to chart with this man? I speak from very personal experience here, just living with someone with mental health issues is EXTREMELY difficult, never mind being their caregiver. Often times, you're walking around on eggshells in your own home, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, however innocent, that sets the person off. Please heed me here: this is not something I could even fathom doing with small children living in the home.
The only advice I am going to give to you is to ask yourself, honestly, with as little emotion as you can, is this relationship- is this MARRIAGE - going to be worth the difficulties that are going to go along with it? And not difficulties just for you, but for your CHILDREN who are your primary responsibility. Because of all of the advice you're going to receive, that is the question you need answer first, before you try to solve any of your fiance's caregiving issues.
I really, sincerely, wish you nothing but the best. I hope you can find an answer to this that you can be at peace with.
I feel caught in a really bad spot, where I know this situation isn’t sustainable but where I still love him. I just feel like I’m second fiddle and it hurts, but at same time I feel selfish.
I decided to start focusing more on my kids/self and see what Happens with the relationship. I’m going to get my doctorate degree and branch out more with friends but I know this will take me away from the relationship. It just feels so painful right now.
Your fiance can have the 'I can't do this anymore' conversation with grandma to kingdom come. She will simply ignore him and will continue to ignore the conversation as long as he remains her care plan and the solution to the family's caregiving needs.
If he stops being at her beck and call and stops asking 'how high?' every time she says jump, at some point grandma is going to get the message that her grandson meant it when he said he couldn't do it anymore.
Your man needs to leave grandma, father, and uncle to their own devices for a while. I guarantee if he gives it a few weeks they will suddenly become very reasonable to whatever care plans he suggests.