So my dad passed away in Feb. My mom has dementia and he is the one that took care of her one of my sisters and I both live out of state. One sister lives nearby. We have her grandkids helping her all young adults. My sister that lives out of state visits once a month she has no kids but does work full-time, my other sister lives close by and goes over every few days. They are upset because I can't come as often I have a son with disabilities and hates to travel and a husband that works really long hours. I try to get there as often as possible but it is never enough. I hate not being able to, but I work a full time job as well. My job is not as gracious with time off as my other sisters, If I could find a more lenient job that lets me work from home ( I work from home currently) with a guaranteed paycheck I would gladly apply and try to go more often. They just kind of took everything over and I let them because well I do not like DRAMA I want to help more but they always tell me no they have it under control. Just as my dad passed away I tried to help and got pushed out of the way I just do not know what else to do. When I try to discuss it with them they blow up so I am out of ideas. So here I have sisters hat say I don't do anything to help yet will not let me help. Of course I call my mom daily and her sister comes every 3 months from way out of state. So please give me ideas to help and not cause friction.
I will bet they think working from home your time is yours. You may want to put them straight.
None of you owe your mom destroying your life, work and family situations. It is not required that you take care of her at all. To be blunt, your dad and mom didn't make plans for their old age. They dumped their aging problems on you, your siblings and their grandkids. That's not fair!
The best thing you could do to help is stay out of the personal care and find out what you need to do to get mom placed in a care facility where she'll have professional care. Then present the ideas to the rest of the family and insist that what you owe to mom is PROFESSIONAL care, not a clobbered-together mishmash of reluctant family caregivers who all have a right to their own lives. If you can't accomplish getting mom into care, then go your own way.
You need to take care of yourself, your precious son, your husband and your work. Your family comes first - not your disagreeable extended family and/or mom.
Your doing the right thing for your family, and if you like and want that job never quit and look for a new one. I imagine working from home is best for your son too.
Your family is just being jerks, this caregiving stuff can distoy families, by the time you get to the end of it , most family's are so broken , no one speaks to each other. And this sounds like just the beginning for you.
Keep calling your mom, do what you are doing and try to keep the negativity that your family is trying to lay on you out of you head.
Best of luck . Nothing about are parents aging gets easier
Yup, it's putting one fire out at a time, and trying not to get burnt.
You should not feel guilty in any way. We our blended family was trying to figure out care for my inlaws, one of MIL's sons lived way out of state. He felt like you do, so we told him if he wanted to contribute financially to actual identified needs, that'd be appreciated. This was a solution that worked in our situation and only because him helping financially was not onerous to him or his wife.
You can offer the same, but only if it's not onerous to you and your family.
Outside of this you will need to have strong boundaries against family bullies who are trying to force you to do things that aren't possible. When they bully you, don't feel guilt, feel outrage that they don't give a d*** about you, your son or your husband.
I don't know if there's a clean solution here. Someone's not going to be happy but it should never be you and your family.
Why are your siblings orbiting around your Mom? It seems she needs more care than multiple people can give her, just for the sake of her "appearing" to live independently in her home, or "aging in place". It's not working. Without you enabling this bad plan they may come to realize that a different solution is necessary. Stand your ground until this happens.