Hi all, I am new to this forum and very glad I discovered it. I guess I just need to rant a bit as I'm feeling very overwhelmed and, as of the past few weeks, incredibly angry and resentful.
In October, my 76-yo mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. She is also diabetic, depressive and doesn't take great care of herself in general. She is about a month into a three-month round of chemo, after which they'll assess the need for surgery.
During quarantine she barely left her bed (depression, laziness), and as a result her mobility is very bad. I do all of the cooking and cleaning. Thankfully, she's still able to handle hygiene and toilet needs herself (though the hygiene is lacking.)
She's been living with me in my 1-bd apartment for three months. I love her very much, and we get along well but of course there are annoyances. As the diagnosis process unfolded, my sister and I were working to get her a spot in a senior apartment building. We were successful with that, but had to move her out of her old apt., which was a nightmare - years of clutter, mouse droppings, just a mess. I ended up doing most of the work to get her moved. Also, she'd gotten herself about $20k in credit card debt with super high-APR cards and beyond frivolous spending.
So I'm dealing with all of that, spent a couple thousand of my own savings to pay off one of the more ridiculous cards (36% APR!) and have basically had my life taken over with caring for her. I am glad to be able to do this, but I am also teeming with resentment at both her and my sister. My sister was helping more at first, but has become hands-off. Never offers to come over and help with chores, or spend a few hours with mom so I can get some alone time. She calls every night but mostly talks about herself and her own problems. She hits my mom (who's on soc security) up for money and is generally selfish and entitled. I'd hoped that facing this family crisis would jolt her into acting more maturely, so the way she's behaving is especially hurtful. I need her support - we don't have any other family - but I'm really angry with her. My mom enables this behavior by offering to buy her things, then getting upset when my sister takes advantage. (My sister, btw, is in her mid-30s, married with a child and both she and her husband work full-time - they are not destitute.)
I'm all over the place with this rant, if you're still reading, thank you! I guess these are my main issues:
- My mom has terrible mobility, could regain strength by exercising and I've given her the tools to do that, she promises to do so every day but rarely follows through;
- Until my mom has the strength to live on her own, she'll be staying with me in my small apartment;
- My sister is selfish, hands-off and money grubbing and my mom enables her behavior but turns around and complains to me;
- I feel like I have no support and am caught in this messed up dynamic between them, which was bad enough before my mom was sick but is now unbearable to experience;
- I'm angry and on edge all the time and do not take care of myself like I should.
I'm sure these are common problems for caregivers both new and experienced, and that there are some steps I could take to make things better (take care of myself, don't expect my sister to change, etc.) Intellectually, I know that. But I feel myself growing more angry and resentful by the day - that my mom is sick in the first place, that she won't take an active role in her own care, that my sister is selfish and self-centered, that it feels like I'm giving my life away, going through my meager savings and nearing a breaking point from all of this stress, sadness and isolation. I have good friends who listen and support me, but they can only do so much and I don't want to be "that friend" who always brings down the mood,
I guess I just need acknowledgement and some kind words. How do folks deal with feelings of resentment, of the "unfairness" of being in this position?
She is on Medicare, and we're happy with her medical team so far, another thing to be thankful for. AlvaDear, you posited that my mom might not *want* to live on her own again. I think there is some truth to that, but at the same time sharing a 1bd apartment is not sustainable, so I think circumstances would make her think twice about that. Also, that is a non-negotiable for me - she cannot stay here indefinitely and I feel confident that I'll be able to hold that line. You also mentioned that I shouldn't have paid her CC bill, and you're 100% correct. I regret that and won't be making that mistake again. We are looking into bankruptcy options for her.
FunkyGrandma59, thank you for the PT suggestion. We did have an appointment for someone to come to the apartment, but this was as covid was re-surging so we canceled because we didn't feel comfortable having someone come over. However, a friend's husband is a PT and has offered to do a few tele-sessions with us free of charge and we're planning to do so in the next couple of weeks.
As for my sister.. that's more complicated. I'm trying to take myself out of their dynamic as much as possible, but it feels like a Herculean task, to observe something so enraging and not let it affect me. But I know I need to extract myself emotionally. Mom has sworn up and down she won't be giving my sister any more money, so I will take her at her word until I see her break that promise.
There is definitely some co-dependence between me and my mom and I've enabled that over the years, for which I'm paying the price now. I'm sure we've all dealt with that tug-of-war between caring deeply about our charges and not wanting to be taken advantage of or over-sacrificing ourselves. I'm thankful for the advice and camaraderie you've all offered here :) Hugs in return!
I think you may be enabling Mom in some of her attitudes and her withdrawal from participation. And I am afraid it will prevent Mom from moving forward. Depressed people have a very difficult time with motivation toward anything, so that, if things are done for them, meals made and delivered to the bedside, cleaning all done, they often have no motivation to move. I am currently reading a book about a very depressed young man, and while situation doesn't match in age, the book is written one half by the depressed son and one half by the Mom. It is an amazing window into the depressed mind.
Your sister is taking money from Mom. You are paying money FOR Mom. Sadly you could cut out the middle man and give directly to the sister. I know at your younger age it is difficult to fully get, but at 78 I can assure you, you are going to need every penny you can save for your OWN life; it is crucial you don't throw your money at Mom's debts and her frivolous spending. She has lived with debt and it's very likely she will die with debt. You should not be paying her debt. You will get no thanks for that, but you will be impoverished by it.
It sounds tough, but I think as much as is being done for her Mom will never want to move back into her own living situation. Why would she?
I have left sister out of most of this, because quite honestly there is ZERO we can do to change or influence others. They are who they are. She may be the wise one in my own opinion had you not added the using Mom as a vending machine.
Yes, I can assure you, you are the "good daughter". You are the one sacrificing your time, your mind, your future financial well-being, your home to your Mom and you are the one who is trying with everything in you to fix everything. But everything cannot be fixed.
Only you can make choices for yourself ongoing. I wish you so much luck with these choices. Some people because of their own mental makeup are unable to pull back from being the co in bad behavior because they suffer such feelings of guilt that they are paralyzed by it. You may need help from a professional to comb out a way to move forward, as your Mom may have many years of life left.
The book by the way, that would give you an excellent look into a depressed mind that cannot leave the bed, is The Boy Between by Amanda Prowse and her son Josiah Hartley.
I know you came to rant. I know what I am saying sounds a lot like tough love, but were I your friend I would sit you down and say this. Once. And then would try to help where I could. Take anything I say that might help, cast the rest to the side, and know you have my sympathy, and my welcome to the forum. I wish you the very best of luck, and your mom also, for her recovery.
1st thing that I would recommend, get your money back from your mom. You are not responsible to pay her bills and she needs to pay you back, not reward your sister with gifts.
2nd thing, you have to tell her that you can not care more than she does and you can not continue to prop her up if she refuses to do what she needs to do to get as strong and well as possible.
Has her doctor been informed about her depression? Major diagnoses do cause severe depression and should be treated with medication to get the person over the hump. The big C is scary to hear but, not necessarily a death sentence. I would get her doctor to prescribe meds and a therapist so she has someone she can vent to safely. It is not something I recommend family does, it needs to be someone trained to help them beyond their fears and guide them to their new normal.
I would also make her doctor aware of her lack of interest in living and maybe have him/er recommend hospice and a facility if she truly doesn't want to fight and live. It is unfair to chain ourselves around anyone's neck and take them down with us.
I am so sorry that your mom is facing cancer and I pray that something wakes her up before it is to late. Take care of you during this difficult time.
Great big warm hug!
I would stop answering sister's calls, she is only giving you more to deal with, and you have plenty as it is. You need to get mom into a facility that will help her regain strength. Where had she been before she moved in with you?
You need to do whatever it takes to take care of you, or you won't be any good to anyone. It sounds like that means mom going somewhere else.
Mom's SS is for her needs not sissy's. If mom were in a facility that problem will stop as the facility will take most of it.
You sound like you have just about accepted that sis will not help and you cannot change her. You are right.