So my 91yo mom (mid-dementia) ended up in a 6-resident board & care after a series of medical events.
My mom does not do well with changes so it took from late February until semi-recently for her to finally adjust and appear happy. She liked her room and had a routine where she'd come out every day and sit in the living room in a recliner with her feet up which is ordered by her physician to keep the edema down.
She is a fall risk and her 602 from rehab, signed by a physician, indicates such.
Fast forward to May where she had a bad unwitnessed fall in her room after getting up from her chair by herself. I had warned the staff two days prior that she was more wobbly than usual and to please keep an eye on her. Once back from the hospital, a motion alarm was put in her room and chair.
Now here we are in July and a new resident (the only male) has come in to this home which is quiet, intimate and a great scenario for my mom. I told her about this beforehand and she was apprehensive but said it was okay and she hoped he was nice. I was advised her room was the only one with a doorway wide enough for this gentleman. They asked if they could move her one room over and I checked with mom and she said she was okay with it because she never hung out there during the day anyway.
She got moved and, as anticipated, is having a little difficulty with the change. The TV in her old room was much bigger and now the one in her new room is about the size of a computer monitor. It’s not even half the size of the other. She told me she doesn’t want the TV on anymore. Sigh.
I went in yesterday to visit and found my mom alone in her room with no motion alarm for her. This is the same exact scenario as when she fell. I asked her why she was in her room and not in her favorite chair and she said she "can’t stand that man...he’s boisterous, rude, and glares at everyone." I hadn’t seen him yet so I casually went out to the dining/living room where he was and he was exactly as she described. Bad vibe for sure.
Mom, who had been doing so well, now seemed withdrawn, unhappy, and stated she didn’t want to be out there in the living area anymore where he is and she wanted to stay alone in her room. This is such a big step backwards from where she was.
She also lost her favorite spot at the dining table she has had since the beginning. He is in a bariatric w/c and I do not know why he has to be in the spot my mom has been for the past four months.
I contacted the supervisor about the motion alarm not being turned on which is my greatest concern and I will see how that goes.
Has anyone had a situation like this where their LO with dementia (who is still alert and able to appropriately communicate) had a very negative reaction to a new resident and is regressing because of it?
I did have a lengthy discussion about this with her yesterday and told her to give herself time to adjust but she was looping quite a bit and just couldn’t stop talking about how she can’t do anything she enjoyed anymore.
The house supervisor has thrown this back on my lap and asked me what they can do to make the situation better for her.
Am I expecting too much to at least move him to the other side of the table so my mom can have her dining spot back and at least have that little victory?
I don’t want to be difficult at all but why is my mom the one who keeps having to give up the things she enjoyed? She asks so very little, she is not demanding at all, and the girls just love her so I am not getting this.
I noticed when I was there yesterday one of the lady residents (mid-dementia also) who used to sit by my mom all the time was concerned about this man also and was asking one of the aides who he was and why he was there. He’s changed the entire dynamic of the house.
Any advice appreciated. I have a very good relationship with all the girls there so I don’t want to rock the boat but maybe waiting and see how this goes? I’m twisting in the wind today.
The gentleman passed away several weeks ago.
I saw him on a Friday in the living room looking like he always does and when I came back to visit my mom on Monday I found her sitting in her favorite recliner in the living room with her feet up. I was stunned. I was so happy to see it and said “What on earth are you doing here!?” and she proceeded to tell me the man had died over the weekend.
Very long story short, there is now a little old lady (99 years young!) brought in who took that man’s spot and she is a delight. She scoots around with her own rollator, she’s comfortable to talk to, AND my mom tells her that when she walks around maybe she can join her on little walks around the house. My mom is now back in her favorite place, is reading again, and very happy.
Around this time hospice team wanted to meet and said she no longer qualified so now she’s off hospice. Downside is that the doctor appointments begin again and my mom is not strong so I’m a little concerned about the transfer situation getting her in and out of the car. We’ll see how it goes.
Thanks for the update.
It sounds like the man is not at all an attractive old rooster, correct? so there won’t be ladies vying for his attention.
If he’s big (you mentioned Bariatric) and not very ambulatory (the wheelchair), the staff is going to want him gone as he’s a lot of work. Just as an aside… if you were to point this out when 1-on-1 with staff you like, that would be a good thing… just sayin’.
So staff plus families being over him = not going be there long.
I would demand mom be moved back to her regular place at the table, since she's already given up her ROOM to this man! Enough is enough. The admin cannot help upsetting the apple cart a bit when new residents move in, but not to where your mother is being put out like this!
Be strong but nice with the admin. They love your mom and respect you. You've already been more than accommodating and now it's THEIR turn to reciprocate. That's my opinion, as a daughter who had a mom in MC for almost 3 years.
In fact, there was a male resident there named Denny who had a fascination with my mother for some reason. Fortunately, all the suite doors were kept locked 24/7 or I'm sure we'd have found Denny in moms bed more than once, causing her to have a stroke. As it was, he'd knock on her door and jiggle the handle quite a bit. You'd have thought he was threatening her at gunpoint. She made SUCH a federal case about this man's behavior that the Executive Director had to move a big club chair in front of moms door to prevent Dennys wheelchair from getting close enough to knock or jiggle the handle. This situation was partly Denny having very advanced dementia and partly my mother having ZERO tolerance for things she didn't like. And it went on for months of her calling me with meltdowns before it was resolved 😑
Life with dementia is really hard for all involved. I hope you can find a resolution to this problem. Good luck.
Ask that Mom have her seat back. First come, first served. Maybe he would be more comfortable at the end of the table or even a small table just for him. "he’s boisterous, rude" maybe he could be asked to tone it down because it upsets the other residents. Not that it would work but its not fair that pthe majority of residents, paying to be there, need to put up with it.