We just moved my dad to assisted living. We tried having him live with my sister but he wants constant attention and she works full time from home so it wasn't working.
He's now living by me. I've told him over and over that if he goes downstairs he can meet people and join activities but he doesn't and then calls me multiple times a day because he wants attention.
Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this?
i have not read the replies yet so forgive me if this has already been suggested. When we moved my mother into assisted living she didn’t participate in any of the activities or even really leave her room. This would be even with caregivers coming to tell her about a super fun thing they were doing or were going to. And my mother was a super social person. I mentioned this to the residence and they said to get her to participate and make friends I really needed to visit her and while visiting take part in the activities and bring her with me to the activities. Again I also needed to actively take part in the activity not just bring her to it and sit on the side lines or leave. While doing the activities I would interact with some of the other residents and those that seemed like people my mother would’ve been friends with years ago (before her dementia) I would try and include them and my mother in a conversation together. This had to be done for a little while (a few weeks and a few visits each week). Eventually she would participate on her own. I would arrive for my visit and she would be with the group from her floor playing a game. For the first few months after she started to participate, when I visited I would try and keep her involved with the activities by participating with her and not go back to her room. After a few weeks she had made « friends » (she had dementia so friendships weren’t exactly the same as they were before her dementia) and even the caregivers knew who they were and would always seat the group of ladies together for meals and activities calling it the « ladies table ».
in my mothers situation the suggestion of me visiting more for a short time frame and including myself in the activités with my mom seemed to help her make friends and be more social and feel like the residence was her home.
i hope this helps.
best of luck!
Ask the activities person at ASL to try and get him to participate a little at a time. Hopefully he will meet some interesting people to be friends with.
If Dad can openly discuss how hard it is to move, to learn to fit into a new place, he may be open to discussing how he can help himself adjust?
By leaving his room he will interact with others.
By talking to a few new people he can start to sort the nice from the silly, the interesting from the bores.
What's he got to lose?
Although I get that small talk can be torture for some.. if that's him then a structured activity will be better.
He can take it slow, but set himself a goal: eg find out what's on, then attend ONE activity this week.
If he is willing (even a bit) but initiation skills to arrange/act are low, engage the Activities Director as other have said. This person is basically a *social engineer* & a good one can find out his interests so to set him up with some appropriate groups. It may take a few to trial.
When volunteering at a NH (pre-Covid days, sigh) there were many groups on offer. A small men's group where the newspaper was read out & discussed really impressed me. What I called the 'bright ladies' in their costume jewels & lippy were arranging flowers... The 'jocks' went playing carpet bowls...
These groups were all managed & directed by staff, as was needed at this NH stage. AL may be more self-directed?
That's where the stealth comes in. If Dad can't initiate, a little arranging behind the scenes may really help.
I spent some time just sitting with a new resident in the garden. She did not want to interact with others, was angry at being there really. Was grieving the loss of her house & belongings very deeply. But I think she quietly enjoyed seeing other people enjoying the garden. She returned their 'hello' but nothing more. We talked about adjusting to change. About what she could change to improve things. Eg label her clothes to help prevent items getting lost. About things to consider eg eating with others instead of alone in her room.
I hoped in a week or two she might engage a bit more.
Best wishes for you & your Dad as this adjustment is made.
First and foremost, let your Northern siblings know what's going on with dad; that's he's out of control with wanting attention 24/7 which is why sister #1 couldn't deal with him in the FIRST place. And why he's in AL now. If they'd like to come for a visit to see for themselves that he's fine, go for it. But otherwise, you have enough on your plate dealing with his phone calls, so please don't burden you down with THEIR phone calls in addition. All is well and please give dad a chance to acclimate. Soon he'll be so busy with activities and friends that NONE of us will be able to reach him!
Then give dad a chance to acclimate. Call the Activities Director at the ALF and tell her that dad is a little timid & nervous about meeting people, to please help him get OUT and about, mingling and joining in. In my mom's ALF, the AD would come knock on her door every day at a certain time for activities if she wasn't there in the activity room. They didn't want residents hibernating in their rooms, or eating meals in their rooms either, so they discouraged it. In fact, the ALF would charge $6 per meal for 'room service' for every meal they requested in their room above and beyond 6 per month. That got the residents OUT into the dining room on a daily basis!! If you go to see dad at the ALF, make sure it's at a time a little before an activity starts, and then you can 'drop him off' at that activity before you leave. Or drop him off at the dining room at a table of other gentlemen before you leave. And check with the AD if there's a card game going on with the men and at what time and day it happens. My dad enjoyed playing cards 'with the guys' at the ALF and getting away from my mother and the other yakking ladies at the AL that way~! LOL
Wishing you the best of luck getting others to pay attention to dad so you and your siblings don't have to do so 24/7.
I really don't see how this is such a problem that you would have to ask advice on it.
-Don't answer every call.
-Let some go to voicemail.
-Block voicemails being left to your phone from the number he calls from.
He's bored and if you aren't picking up the phone every five minutes he'll start joining in with the activities going on.
Unlike you, most of us didn't do caregiving as a profession, so this is all new.
Show some compassion.