No more sex ever for me??

I have not been married. I am still as I was born.
I took care of my mother. I was her company and caregiver until the end. I am proud of that.

I am in no position to judge anybody who has been married, but as the other forum participants are saying, if you are married, you are married for a reason. You have vows and God committed you to each other.

Do not be selfish. Your Husband is sick and bedridden!! That is hard enough.
As for you... my suggestion is to give it to the Lord, take up your cross and rejoice in remembering it is for your soul and the Lord. This shall pass. Remember that. Then......you will have no regrets and no guilt. Love your husband unconditionally until the end. Whatever the way. Leave your personal desires aside for a little bit.

The Lord be with you.

Dear "Unitetogether,"

I commend you for expressing such personal thoughts and feelings to a forum of strangers. I'm sure you must be overwhelmed by the avalanche of advice/suggestions you've received.

Also, I just wanted to validate your feelings (and I don't mean you need "my" personal validation - just generally speaking) so they are acknowledged for what they are - not adding to or taking away from what your post says. You are consumed by the fact you think you will "never" be loved in that way by a man ever again which only exacerbates those strong feelings.

First, you've admitted that not having sex for 3 years "IS" bothering you. Second, you've said he won't or can't bring the topic up, try to kiss you, hold hands or snuggle. You say you've "asked" and get no response. And now that brings us down to the fork in the road - he going to the left with his being "okay" with it and you going to the right with your "not being okay" with it.

I feel your desperation trying to "figure" it all out to the point where you can't see the forest for the trees. I keep being haunted by what "Heather10" mentioned - that being, if he's feeling so much pressure from you that he may feel anything he does won't be "enough" leaving him with "anxiety performance" issues. Have you tried the opposite approach? Not saying anything, not making advances, kind of just going about your day in a nonchalant way and see what he does/doesn't do? Has he been generally quiet in the past about any type of issues/problems because if so, then it would be how he responds normally and even more so in this situation (I'm not asking for these answers to your personal life, I'm just saying things to ask yourself). Does he have an "avoidant attachment" style? If he does, the number one thing they say not to do is - chase them.

I briefly went through this when I was a caregiver for my dad in my parent's home six days a week until he died (I was 41 at the time). My husband was the one who wanted to be intimate one week later. I couldn't - I was in such shock and grief and "NUMB." I know he felt what you felt, after all rejection is rejection no matter what form it comes in. I did tell him "why" though and he was very patient and understanding as it was my first death as well. I retreated into myself as that was the only way I could process some of the grief. I needed some space to wrap my mind around what just happened because it was life altering. So in my situation, at some point, I told him I needed to take things slow and offered to just take a bath together with some soft music and candles and he was fine with that idea.

All in all, I think a professional counselor is needed but, no you are not alone - it may be that it's just not often talked about as other things are within the caregiving realm. Wishing you both well as you continue to find a way to work this out!

If your husband is bedridden at the age of 60, I am sure he is trying to wrap his head around that and not thinking about sex. Most people are still very active and working at the age of 60.  I would be DEVASTATED if that were me.  Maybe you can help him by getting him some therapy to help him deal with the cards he has been dealt....that both of you have been dealt.  You don't mention his mental status..does he have dementia or is this just a physical disability?  I would start with therapy and go from there. I don't want to downplay your sexual needs, but I feel there may be a lot going on here that has not been dealt with yet.

Your the first woman I have heard complain of this. I am glad to hear there are some women that still have a desire for intimacy. The fact that you are willing to be flexible about this and not expecting superman performance your husband should put his ego and pride aside and do what is the natural thing which is to pay attention to his wife as much as his physical being will allow. Perhaps you could contact a thereapist. Perhaps they would come to the house to chat with you and your husband. Or bring up to your husbands Dr. Im sure he/she would be happy to discuss this. Im sure some people will suggest you go outside the marraige for this attention. I think that is just asking for trouble.

Just think about if no one ever got married! Would we be having this discussion then? Okay I was being sarcastic. Sorry...

By the way, as most of you already know, I am happily married and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

As I said earlier, this topic is VERY controversial. I just thought I would lighten the mood a bit. In no way do I mean to offend the OP or anyone else for that matter.

Lots of interesting feedback as usual when this subject hits the forum!

I think what you are seeking is intimacy in your relationship. That is completely natural to want that and to miss it. So sorry that you lost that with your husband.

I feel you have deep feelings for him, love him as you always have but things have changed and has caused you to question the situation. I bet anyone would have concerns if they were in your shoes.

Who knows what the answer to this is? I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you for your thoughts on this matter.

It’s extremely personal and I think you are brave to be open enough to bring it to this forum to be discussed. Others have brought up this subject and it’s always been a controversial topic to say the least.

Only you can decide what is right for you. I understand that you would like feedback and whatever decision you come to I hope somehow you are able to find peace in your life.

I don’t think any of us could imagine how you feel unless they have been where you are.
Best wishes to you.

My neighbor developed early-onset Alzheimer's at age 55 - his wife is taking care of him (along with paid help since she works) and her "boyfriend" moved into the house. I find it appalling. She says her husband doesn't seem to be cognizant it's her romantic partner but who knows? What happened to vows...in sickness and in health, for better and for worse? I wonder how SHE would feel if the situation is reversed. Yes, life can throw some curve balls, but that's LIFE. That's why we commit to another person. Just like if our child is born with disabilities - we don't abandon him/her because it's hard or the child doesn't show us affection. It's just selfish.

If my husband were terminally ill I wouldn’t be thinking about sex with someone else . we take vows for a reason ...

I'm shocked at attitude on here . Go see your dr , maybe they can calm UR hormones ... GEEZ ...

Try teletherapy!

I would do four things. First, talk with the doctor for "medical" help. Second, talk with your husband openly and honestly and listen and ask questions - his answers will help steer you in the right direction. Third, "take care of yourself" and don't ever tell anyone what you do privately - none of their business, ever. Fourth, if all is doomed and there is absolutely no hope, consider the pro's/con's of finding an outside anonymous partner who won't talk. There are many, many people out there and there are solutions but you have to think and then seek the goal that will work best.

Jfbct, what a thoughtful, selfless and loving answer you gave!!! You are spot on with your answer!

I didn’t read through all the answers but I’m in a similar situation, just 10 years older. Do you have children? Grandchildren? If so, my answer is stay with your husband and do what you need to without leaving him, and be discreet. Your children may never have respect for you or may not even forgive you. Your grandchildren will learn that “in sickness and in health” is meaningless. Again, whatever you decide, be discreet.

Dear "Unitetogether,"

As I reread your post, it just seems like something is "amiss." Could there be anything that has happened or been said that would cause a grudge that he can't get past? I know there are some people who can't get past certain things and they will withhold any and all types of affection because of it. Just a thought. He definitely holds "the key" to all of the mystery and confusion surrounding this.

Of course I can't know the entire situation, but I think if I were in the husband's situation, I would use whatever ability I still had left with whatever part of the body that still functioned (hand, mouth, etc.) to try to give pleasure to a wife (I don't have one, so maybe I'd appreciate the opportunity more than men who always have it.)

[My comment got posted twice, but apparently one can't entirely remove the duplicate--I wish this were possible.]

The original post appears to ask if there are others caregiving for spouses whose health has declined so that physical intimacy is not possible/desired, leading to years without sex despite the healthy partners continuing desire. The overwhelming dominant answer to that question is yes. The spouse continues to care, without any sex, for years, decades, doesnt cheat, divorce, or hire escort service, etc. , or, even mention that to close friends. There are a small minority of cases with a different outcome, e.g. Newt Gingrich divorced his terminally ill with cancer wife, married someone else, and got reelected. Probably without much joint assets, as courts would not look favorably on this type of thing. The lack of affection is not very relevant bcz that can be attributed to the illness. The bedridden husband, for example, may have chronic pain, and "OK with it", as the OP termed it, is the best he can express in this state. All that said, the OP should try to arrange a second caregiver so she is not doing this 7 days a week...I think 5 days at most, to avoid burnout...with at least 2 additional weeks off per year away from caregiving responsibility.

Maybe the meds he's on is making him not miss the sex.

You should talk to him about it and tell him how you miss him.
Try giving him a massage.

Maybe he feels embarrassed.

Tall to his Dr about it and see if it's more in his head and nothing medical.

It isn't fair to you for him not to show any intimacy.

You really should have brought it up before 3 yrs.

We have all seen this posted on here before off and on. Some say have sex outside of marriage. Some say try to play around some without the actual sex and some say just learn to live with it. It is all the same answers but just to the different poster. Hope you find your way to happiness and whatever you can live with in your own conscience. The first place to start is asking your husband about himself and if he has “needs” and take it from there. If he can’t do anything, then accept it or do what you can live with. If you are in a loveless marriage, that would clear things up considerably. But, if you love each other and still want to give a hug and hold hands, then find out if that works. Does he tell you he loves you???

Have not read all 50+ answers perhaps this was covered. If you can stand to lose everything-house, savings, car, valuables-then do what you want. Divorce can happen at any time to any one. It is always painful, ruthless and devastating.

Dear Unitetogether,
I am writing from the patient's point of view. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ a little more than four years ago at the age of 57. I am a year older than you are. I initiated a discussion on this very topic with my DW who is 8 yrs younger than me, probably a year after I was diagnosed. I told her that I did not want her spending the rest of her life on her own, and that when the time came that I am institutionalized, to put me in a place 100 miles away from where we live, so that she won't feel like she and our children have to visit me everyday. has to be visiting me everyday. I also told her if she wanted to date another man, go ahead and build a future life for yourself. I also told our adult children, if mom wants to see somebody or remarry after I've died, don't give her any trouble. Life is for the living.
Come next year we'll have been together dating and married, 27 years. My DW is an exceptional cook and baker, and we've done a lot of that together over the years. We also shared a lot of dreams realized by our travels, over these years. I believe she'd make a good wife and will have a lot to offer another husband.
Perhaps you could start a conversation with your husband asking what he thinks you should do in the future? I started our discussion with, I'd like to discuss your future when I am no longer able to share a life with you? She had answers for me. My DW and I have practiced our faith together ever since the day we had our first date. We've been faithful to each other, never had a fight, and know we've been the great love of each others life, but the time will come when we will no longer both be alive and that my DW needs to be able to go forward and build a new life with another man that she can enjoy time with.
We do tell each other I love you, several times a day, we'll watch TV at night in bed and hold hands and when we part ways for the day, give each other a kiss. My hope is that your DH will give you the answers you need for continuing on in your life.
I also encourage, others reading this message have you and your DH or DW had a conversation like I have described. This is a tough conversation to start, but you may find it is something the other of you has thought about but never put in to words. I hope this is helpful.

yes sexual drive can be satisfied in other ways HOWEVER..the need for connection, for human touch ..that is much more complicated
experiments with primates have shown that when presented with a choice of an apparatus with food and one that was warm and satisfied their physical affection , monkeys would choose to seek the cuddles rather and go hungry. And in humans that also extends to our mental and emotional well being.

My parents whose marriage lasted over sixty years , until one passed years ago, were always affectionate to the end. In my case, although ,according to him anyway, he always loved me, I became less and less of a priority with him . His job, his parents, friends,our children ..took all his time . Finally , at one point , I directly confronted him ...after many partial attempts to engage. I totally bared my soul , not easy for me. And he promised to change his ways ...then went back to his old ways almost immediately. Our marriage had been one of best friends and absolute trust. Business trips and opposite sex friends had never mattered. I had several really good male friends. Actually , probably more guy friends than female ...just found them more accepting and not as many issues ever. Some , yes, had some underlying attraction . I even started a kind of sexting with one ...but not physical. This has led to estrangement and loss of our friendship eventually. With another , we did begin to depend on each other more and more for closeness and emotional intimacy. This was long after my talk with hubs. And eventually we kissed and led to making out on another occasion. That was all...but yeah a betrayal. Hubs invaded my privacy and we fought . He thought it was much more involved and would never believe me. All trust was lost between us. I was going to leave but , finances , ugh. And my kids ..grown but still. Hubs said let’s try and I did. Went to therapy ..which he felt I needed so it was only me . Reached point where my therapist said we needed to both do it ..perhaps even both separately and together. He refused. I talked very occasionally with friend. He wanted me to leave...I was torn. Now ...I wish , so much, that I had. I have all I need ..safe and secure ..but . No love ..no physical connection...some companionship but I think we both are too bitter to really be best friends again.
And my friend? Has married now ...we don’t have contact so I lost that friendship too.
What have I learned? That I should take my own advice, given long ago to a friend. When love is lost, but also gained. Finish one relationship so that you can begin the next with open arms, mind and heart. So, once I had tried and failed to reconnect with husband ..I should have recognized utter failure and that I could not stay any longer. I should have embraced what was right in front of me..and not shut that door. This is the regret of my life now. And , yeah, I am staying here now. I don’t know if forever but .
.I have my kids and grands...I do love them, and maybe that’s enough?.
I care about hubs but no love or desire at all . On surface we look good , but it’s empty...my heart is empty. I don’t want to even try to find anything else and risk heartbreak again.
So ...be up front ...find some articles for your husband about these subjects, tell him you both need therapy..individual and joint, and if he won’t even try, then decide for yourself , whether you want more of the same and to be his mommy or if you want to try and have a full life of your own.

CBD oil (500 mg ones) may help.
I, at 56, have NO sex drive normally, but one hit of pot changes all of that, and my body goes into sensual, passion mode. Also, my senses are heightened, and touch, kissing, and sex feels so much more gratifying. I feel a much deeper and intensely satisfying love connection with my husband. Once a week, one hit of pot keeps us both excited!

If your husband refuses to try it, buy the capsules, pin prick one, and put ONE tiny drop in his food. (Some may think that's underhanded, but it may substantially help both of your qualities of life--and worth a try for a week or two.) Perhaps discuss this with a medical marijuana physician.

I think there are still professional cuddlers out there you can hire, just cuddling, no sex.

hey..

this is hard because I understand ur husband is bedridden..have u guys talked about it as to y he doesn’t want sex? Maybe he felt like he’s not confident enough to give u the pleasure u need?

not encouraging this but some couples do agree to open marriages to seek comfort from others while still staying married. Maybe this is something that u guys can discuss as well if he’s not willing to have intercourse with u.

have an affair or stay lonely.

I'm not a caregiver to a spouse, Unite, but I am the spouse of a caregiver. And perhaps I have some words for you that you find helpful.

My husband is the DPOA for his dad and, before she died, for his mother too. We moved to be closer to my inlaws and helped care for them. For many years, I helped them to remain living in their home while my husband handled their business affairs. I won't go into the details, but know that it took a toll on each of us, on our sex life and on our marriage. But there was still a lot of affection and laughter between us even during times when sex was the last thing one or both of us wanted. Caregiving sucks the life out of people. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

That said, your husband may live another 20+ years. And I agree with those who ask "What about HIS marriage vows to you?" That he is unwilling to show you any affection or talk to you like an adult is a big red flag.

"...I think what bothers me the most is, he doesn't even talk to me about sex or closeness. He talks to me like a baby instead, more than talking to me like a man and there is nothing wrong with his brain/mind..."

Baby talk - that is not depression! It is a defense mechanism called regression. I found this in a medical journal for you: "...Regression in adults can arise at any age; it entails retreating to an earlier developmental stage (emotionally, socially, or behaviorally). Insecurity, fear, and anger can cause an adult to regress. In essence, individuals revert to a point in their development when they felt safer and when stress was nonexistent, or when an all-powerful parent or another adult would have rescued them..." You cannot rescue your husband. He would have to be willing to see a psychiatrist and enter therapy.

Meanwhile, what about you? In my opinion, you have every right to give your husband a clear message: "Seek therapy or I cannot continue in our loveless marriage." Hand him his phone and a list of psychiatrists who do phone sessions. Give him a realistic due date - 2-3 weeks should be plenty of time - for him to call one and make an appointment, followed of course by weekly therapy. Once he's in weekly therapy, give the therapy some time to work, maybe 3 months or so. If he refuses to enter therapy, you have to make the decision for the both of you about the future of your marriage.

Keep in mind that those who spew the "marriage is a holy sacrament...for better or worse" stuff, please consider several things when weighing their advice to you:
1. Marriage is a *partnership* of the whole of life.
2. Marriage is about **reciprocated** service to the spouse.
3. Marriage is making a commitment every morning to ***love*** your spouse.

Marriage is both love and work. If your spouse does not love you, shows you no love, works not on your marriage, then you do not have a marriage. When your spouse abandons you emotionally (no more love or reciprocation) and/or physically (cheating), then you no longer have a marriage. Clearly you feel that you are worthy of true love, which is why I think you are struggling with staying in a loveless marriage. I hope you will keep us posted on your progress. Peace and blessings, NYDIL

Sex is seriously overrated. I'm in my 30s and am focused on building a business and my career and caregiving for my mother who has Alzheimers and I dont miss sex at all. What I do miss however, is someone hugging me, kissing me, telling me I'm beautiful and companionship through the day. I would focus on those other things and think you likely will be far more satisfied appreciating those things. Also there are zero men that have been better in bed than my vibrator haha. Just being honest here. And even if your husband can't perform down below, maybe he will still be interested in playing with toys with you?

I can understand sex is more important to some than others and maybe he was an amazing lover and the thought of missing that seems hard for you, but we ALL age and come to a point where we can't (or shouldn't) have sex anymore. And we hope our partners will love us enough to be creative and find new ways to love each other to replace that kind of intimacy or apprexiate what you have (which is so much! I envy your beautiful relationship and hope I am as lucky to find that one day). Hope this helps.

It's a tough thing in life, to be sure. My best wishes to you as you struggle with the issue. Might he want to watch as you use a vibrator in self pleasure and that might lead to a more active role for him, whatever he can manage? Music would add to the atmosphere.

Dear "Unitetogether" and everyone commenting,

Please don't forget one important fact in all of this as well as any other question asked on the forum - we don't know "the other side," meaning her husband - we don't know what goes on and doesn't go on behind closed doors. I find it somewhat dangerous to tell her to find someone else. "Heather10's" comments were excellent points to ponder before ever actually running from what may be considered "one frying pan into another." She could easily find herself in a whole other heap of problems.

Remember the "Joey Buttafuoco" situation? Growing up my neighbor's oldest son met up with a woman in this situation and when he found out and told her no more, she went to his house while he was away and destroyed everything with a baseball bat; the "Christopher Watts" story. I know none of those examples are exactly like this situation but, it's more about what the consequences can be and sometimes even deadly ones at that.

We hired a pool service for my mom's pool back in 2014. He had a wife and two kids and yet he had married women after him all the time. At our house we hired a pest control service and the guy for whatever reason decided to tell me all about some of the crazy stuff married women would do when he would go to their homes (I just nodded, smiled and told him point blank that won't be coming from me - I actually called and cancelled the service as I found it odd he really wanted to tell me all that). I can tell you from one of the experiences he shared, it had to do with the woman "needing" validation of her "new pair..." - which oftentimes stems from insecurity. You have to be comfortable in your own skin.

I've been watching a YouTube channel called "Better Bachelor" just to see what things are like out there in todays world from a man's perspective. It's downright crazy and I'm so thankful, I'm not out there (I'm married 23 years next month - first marriage for both of us). My husband and I trust each other implicitly and I don't need external validation from other men and there have been many times when my husband prior to COVID traveled.

One of my thoughts, is the fact we all have different communication styles that we may respond to better than others. If a man feels nagged, he stops listening. Does he like the written word? If so, you could write him a note/letter with your concerns and he could read it whenever he wants as well as have the ability to reread it if he should want to. What about pictures being that men are visual -maybe cut out some pictures of a couple holding hands, a couple kissing, a couple holding one another? Just a thought!

I hope there is a way for the two of you to gain some common ground but, like I said I don't have all the nuances of your situation. Best wishes to you both!

It’s very hard to lose that kind of relationship. I as well understand what you are going through. It’s not about till death do us part or that your husband is bedridden. I feel the same way. After 48 years of marriage that intimacy is gone. I am his caregiver. It breaks my heart that this disease doesn’t allow him to be physically close to me. I’ve tried to rub his arm or get close but he says please stop. It doesn’t matter his reason for this and it’s not about him it’s about our feelings. Of course I’m taking care of him every way that I can but it’s just another sign that our life has changed dramatically I don’t really know the answer I guess it’s just another thing that we can’t share and so I also feel alone in that respect.