For those living in a living arrangement with no separate areas, how do you make it work and maintain the privacy and alone time required for a marriage and nuclear family to survive? If the person is home 24/7 & taken over your living room. Do you set time frames for common area use? I feel like I am being selfish and unreasonable for having to bring this up but I also don’t want to spend 24/7 with my mother and destroy my marriage. Your insight is appreciated I did not realize how hard this was going to be and it’s starting to suck.
It also might be time to tell her that her health scare has passed and having her live with you forever was never part of the plan and that it's time for her to have a place of her own again. See what she says and go from there.
I feel that you want us to wave a magic wand and make everything better. But you are the only one who can do that - and not with a magic wand.
You now regret your decision to invite you mother into your home to live. The only thing you can do, really, is to own up to making a mistake and inform her that it's not working for you; therefore she has to find another place to live.
We learn from our mistakes. I'm pretty sure you won't do THAT again.
Keep reading on this forum. Since you're dealing with your mom, and a lot of others on here have the same issues, you'd benefit from browsing similar circumstances.
"It’s been 2 years. She had a bit of a health crisis a few years ago but she is still quite independent and does not need caregiving. We honestly did not think it through and we thought you know she will just know to give us some privacy, be out and about living life to some degree without us having to ask. We don’t mind her living with us, it is just the lack of privacy is starting to get to me. I feel like I can no longer enjoy my home without having to go hide elsewhere,"
Many a loving and well-meaning adult child has gone down this path, only to have reality smack them right in the face.
Perhaps your Mom is depressed. Is she on any meds? If not, maybe go with her for her annual free Medicare wellness exam and discuss this. The lowest dose of Lexapro has helped my Mom a lot.
Your spouse and family are the priority. You aren't responsible for your Mom's happiness. She seems capable still, but maybe on the decline. Her decline will only increase with time, as will her neediness and inability to see and respect boundaries, to name a few (as well as incontinence, paranoia, etc). I would help her move to IL community that also includes transition to AL, MC and LTC. She will have more social exposure opportunities.
Has she ever had a cognitive/memory exam? Are you her PoA? If you're not her PoA (and no one is) then this is a hard NO to having her live with you. Even with PoA it can be almost impossible to get a resistant adult to do something against their will, even if it's in their best interests.
boundaries
personal time
common area use
your mom could be in Assisted Living not in your home.
You give no information about your mom.
If she has dementia she will not get the boundaries, private time, and limit common area use. She is not going to retain any of that nor the reason you want it.
Date nights
and if mom has dementia you will need to get a "baby sitter"
If mom understands could you set up an "apartment" type situation so that she has a little sitting area with a TV, a mini fridge and other items she might need to keep her in "her" area But again if she has dementia this probably will not work, many people with dementia want to be in sight of their "safe person" the one or two people that they know will be there for them.
And obviously the other option if she has dementia is Memory Care.
If there are Adult Day Programs in your area that she can be involved in that would have her away from the house 2 to 3 days a week but again that is days and does not solve your personal evening time
You don't say what health issues mom suffers from, or what her age is, otherwise we could give you better advice about how to move forward. Fill out your profile for better comments.
In the meantime, I'd start looking into other living arrangements for mom. The current situation is not doable long term.
Best of luck to you.
Do you have Moms room set up with a TV and a comfy chair? If so, then after Dinner have her go to her room for the evening. Explain you need private time with ur family.
1. There must be a shared cost of living plan made. You will be responsible to contribute $____ to the household mortgage, rental or maintenance. You will be required to contribute $____ to food and cleaning maintenance. Should you ever require 24/7 care then caregivers will need to be hired by your funds and ETC. and these things need setting in stone by an attorney for the sake of your elder (who otherwise is "gifting" by giving you money and can jeopardize needs for any assistance in future re Medicaid and etc.
2. The areas that are common areas need defining. The areas that are private need defining. The hours need defining. Who cooks and who cleans up needs defining. The quiet hours need defining.
3. Most importantly the plan to live multigenerationally in one home is one that needs to be reassessed on a regular basis say every six months. Along with monthly meetings about problems this 6 mo. reassessment means that all must agree this is working. If ONE MEMBER feels it is not then the elder finds other living arrangements.
4. Legal documents, advanced directives, POA, wills, get done before any move in.
Without complete honesty this will not work. You have moved in an elder. You have made your home legally their home. If there is dementia involved these things will get WORSE and not better. This is often VERY unfair to any children in the household. If this isn't working then that needs to made clear to the elder and plans need to be made for placement. This iis sad, there will be rage and mourning and this is well worth mourning. But if you keep sweeping things under the carpet you will become mentally and physically ill, and we see that with great frequency on the Forum.
I welcome you. As you read you will see that you are not alone. There is much advice here and a lot of this is endurance and survival, but if you throw your family on the funeral pyre of your parent you will make no one happy. NO ONE.
How long has your mom been living with you?
How old is your mom?
What was the reason for her to move in?
More information would be helpful timb