She is suffering from anxiety, insomnia, lung cancer, dementia. She is not in much pain at all, just very nervous, demanding and wants me to make it all better. I love her very much and feel horrible for responding so coldly sometimes, often with anger, especially during the night. I feel so self centered because I think I resent her. It hurts to even say it. It is a side of myself I did not know existed.
Also, don't underestimate pain. She may be in pain so mild but so constant that she doesn't recognize it, especially with dementia. That can ruin anyone's mood, and may contribute to her anxiety. Check with the doctor to see if she can have a little extra Tylenol or something. Try it for a few days to see if it helps. You can always stop it.
One reason we go numb is that this is our parent or spouse who is in such bad condition. We feel that we SHOULD be able to make them feel better, and we WANT to make them better because it hurts to see them this way, but we can't, so we're a failure, so we feel guilty. That extra stress makes the difficulties of caregiving even harder to endure.
Once a day, just so you remember that you ARE a good person, choose to be in a loving, compassionate place for just a few moments. Remember the healthy young woman she was, and those moments when you felt pure love for her. Let that love and compassion flow, and share it with her. Then, when the rest of the day has been hard and angry, you can remember that you are doing this out of love, even when you aren't feeling it.
I'm sure you feel resentful because your time's not your own anymore.....am I right? Especially if your mom wants it to be "all better" and it's in the middle of the night.....when you are tired and in need of some sleep....lack of sleep will make anyone angry. Do you have anyone....family or friend....who can give you a much needed break? Even for one night?
Caregiving is not an easy job....at all. I love my mom very much and it hurts to see what dementia has done to her. For now we must take it one day at a time.....As caregivers that's all we can do. Venting also helps! Hang in there!
My father (died this past May) was a man who could be difficult, at least within the family, but became a different person when diagnosed with dementia in 2007. I attended Alzheimer's seminars and learned about the progression of dementia, met others who were caregivers, and read the book, The 36 Hour Caregiver. I was feeling like you. Why could I only be nice for so long until my father's demands got under my skin? You may not have the option of other family members or friends to help you out. One brother lived locally and my mother was still doing pretty well.
I discovered my limitations and basically stuck to being around him when I could handle his remarks, etc. I let others fill in the gap. This year we placed my father in a Continual Care Community. He did not qualify for the Assisted Living but my mother did. So they lived in separate rooms but on the same grounds. Working with the doctors, it was decided to put him on an anti-anxiety meds - a very low dosage. He was also given a mild sedative to fall asleep - very low dosage. This made a world of difference. Perhaps your mother's doctor could help you with this. It would help you get the respite you need. Caregiving takes a lot out of you!!
Does your mother have a church home? Talking to the pastoral care minister can be very helpful, too. This allows your mother to express her fears about her situation and hopefully come to terms with it. You didn't mention how advanced her lung cancer is, but that must be unsettling for her also.
I don't think you are being uncompassionate. I think you are in self-preservation mode. Roles are reversed in your home. I think if most of us were honest, we never dreamed we would be taking care of our parents and our children at the same time! But somehow we do it!
Keep your sense of humor if you can! Get out with the girlfriends or just drive out to the country (if you are not in it already) for a change of scenery.
Glad you found this site. It has helped me a lot. Take care.
Onlygirl13