I’m new here. My mom had a mini stroke about 3 years ago. She recovered but her mobility isn’t great mostly because she won’t exercise or do the things she supposed to. She’s in her mind 70s. Dad is still around and in decent health although he’s getting up there in age in his 80s. But she basically panics about everything, and expects me to run up there which I can’t always do as I work. It’s been expected of me in the past to do so though. A few weeks ago she fell and hit her head. It looked worse than it was, she just needed stitches. But it’s happened before.
I live about 2 hours away and am married with my own home. My younger brother no longer speaks to her as she doesn’t have any boundaries and sort of looks to us to take care of her emotional needs which is exhausting. I just don’t know what to tell her. In all honesty I would like some time away from her. It’s to the point where I can’t tell her about me going on vacation because I get a lot of negativity. And it’s constantly that I don’t go to see them enough. It’s a lot for me to work all week and then take care of my home and all the chores that go with it. There has also been the comments from mom, dad and other family that why do I have to work, my husband has a good job and we don’t have kids. I have to work to pay off student loans for the 3 degrees I have and also I love my job. I’m lucky to be doing exactly what I planned to do throughout school. And honestly I do not have the energy for this. My worry is that she’s going to expect me to care for her if something happens to dad or that I’m going to be stuck with everything.
She keeps telling me she’s depressed and I keep saying find a therapist. You need to talk to someone not me. But she doesn’t listen. I don’t know what to do at this point. Is this normal? Am I a horrible person? I just can’t take the emotional burden of everything and still function anymore. She used to talk to my brother but she pushed it too far and that’s why he won’t see her. She showed up at his house unannounced for years to see my nephew and he and his wife couldn’t do anything because she was always there.
Looks like Mom has always wanted you as a friend, which is unhealthy. Do not give in to any of them. Keep those boundaries. No is a one word sentence. My daughter likes this "you are not responsible for the reaction you get when you say no" This is from the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud you may want to read. I bet the steps don't bug your brother. Oh no, he is a man. He is the smart one. Are the steps Dads kids? So they can say "not my Mom".
Sad, but I don't think you will ever get thru to Mom. Dad, Mom is his responsibility. He needs to be told this. "Dad, I live 2 hours away, I cannot come because Mom expects me too. My day is rising at 6am, getting to work at 8am, getting home at 5 (or 6). Cooking a meal, cleaning up. By that time its 7 or 8 and I am exhausted. In bed by 10pm. My weekends are catching up on things that didn't get done during the week and doing something with my husband. I do not have the time to be at Mom's beck and call. Mom needs to depend in you, not me. You also need to make sure that if you go before Mom, you need to leave her financially stable. Because, I will not be bringing her with me to live or coming here to live. If she can no longer care for herself, she will need to be placed. Where that will be will depend on you."
When you make plans for vacation, don't tell them. Call them the day of when your on the road or in the air. Your Dad has your steps he can call when your not around. Tell your step brother your taking a breather. You only want a call from him if its an emergency. Tell your Dad you are blocking calls from him and Mom for now. That your Moms expectations of you are unrealistic and for now you cannot deal with her. He has his kids he can rely on. Your going incognito.
Once you have your break, ease back in. You are allowed to not answer Moms calls. Let them go to VM and then delete. Maybe set up Sunday at 7pm every week that you will call her and hang up if she tries to make you feel guilty. You will not be taking any calls where she expects you to come because of some crisis she is having. She has Dad, she has her meds and she has her doctors.
I have had talks with them in the past. The most recent was a few months ago when I told my mom she cannot live with me. This was after my mother in law stayed with us for two months temporarily after my father in law passed since they also didn’t have a plan in place but it wasn’t great for us. I’ve also talked to her about care coming in to help with stuff or even to hang out. She is not interested. I just need to keep pushing. My dad is still in good shape. He’s very active for his age. He mows the lawn (and all of the neighbors lawn who no longer can) as well as tends to his vegetable and flower gardens plus the other stuff around the house. Mom can still clean, he doesn’t always let her which is another issue. But for him doing that stuff is what keeps him going, he’s never been someone who can sit still for long. He also still goes fishing and hunts. The both still drive too. My mom doesn’t do as much driving as she used to. She does go to the grocery store with him and alone. She just takes a cane along in case. She should walk more but she won’t. Her brother lives close by and I have encouraged her to go visit him or call him for walks as he lives alone and is in good health too. Plus they used to get together but she just seems to have lost interest in things.
She is on an antidepressant prescribed by her doctor and another for anxiety if needed. I have told her to maybe see a psychiatrist instead to make sure she’s on the right meds but she’s not listening. It’s more of she thinks she’s depressed and we are supposed to help out with that. She’s always been this way though. She wants me to be her buddy and do stuff but I can’t. It was hard growing up with her like that as when I got older she got mad when I was with my friends more. The other issue is after my nephew was born that’s all she’s cared about. Now that my brother removed that option for her she is upset. My brother is basically no contact with them at this point because she won’t respect his boundaries. She won’t stop calling and texting his wife and him. Plus sending letters to their child. I don’t talk to my brother much as he’s afraid what he says I will relay to them. He won’t help with any of this as he told me in the beginning he just can’t mentally which understand. However now it’s pushing me to that point too. The rest of the family doesn’t get it, maybe my older step brother but not my stepsister. She thinks my issue is I can’t deal with seeing them getting older. She is surprising my dad with a trip that I told her he won’t go on. But kept pushing for me to stay with my mom as a girls weekend and didn’t seem to get when I said absolutely not. Mom can stay alone overnight or we can hire someone. I mean I can go up but then I set a precedent that I’m going to keep doing that.
I have a therapist I see once a week now that is helping me with boundaries. We have been working on that and saying no without the guilt. It’s hard.
I will suggest the mri. I think she does need to go somewhere for care eventually as I know what dealing with dementia was like with my dad’s mom. I wish they remembered or stopped to think about that was as she sometimes would visit for two weeks at a time until they finally got her care. My dad won’t move unless he’s forced, and my step sister will probably try to take over from there. But my mom definitely will need to use the assets and savings to go to assisted living or memory care which I started looking into so we have options.
thank you everyone! It’s good to know I’m not alone. I’m sorry to anyone who has to go through this.
Space your calls out. Space your visits out. Do not run to their rescue for every little thing. You are 2 hours away....what can you do in the case of an emergency. Make then call 911. My father went to the ER so much is got to be no big deal to me anymore. Of course the first two years I was running there on average every week and a half. Then I just stopped. If it wasn't anything serious, they could call him a cab to get him home. I would go to see him if he was admitted to the hospital. But his weekly trips to "Club Med"...nope, not anymore.
If she falls , Dad calls an ambulance.
A wise social worker told me,
"Stop helping , let them fail, sometimes its the only way to get them to accept help from someone other than family".
Your brother is smart not to go running.
Do you think your brother would be willing to support you and have an intervention with your parents to say that the two of you will not be caregivers?
That your parents need to make plans.
If you don't think your parents are capable of that , you could offer to help find hired caregivers. Maybe start out part time? Using your parents money. If your parents argue about the cost, you say "That's what retirement savings is for, it's for what you need to take care of yourselves".
Spoiler alert , they may refuse all suggestions. It may take multiple conversations.
It also depends on how well you think they are living on their own , or if they need assisted living. How are they getting groceries, who makes meals, cleans and does laundry , mow lawn if any ?
Again , when Mom falls , and they call you, Tell them to call an ambulance, it's quicker then you driving 2 hours and taking her to the ER. She will get taken care of faster, she won't have to wait in the waiting room.
You don't have to answer all the calls, let it go to voicemail. Limit the number of times you speak with her. You aren't her therapist , and you are not responsible for her happiness. Tell her and Dad to see a doctor about her depression. How do they get to the doctor, Dad still drive?
You state "My worry is that she’s going to expect me to care for her if something happens to dad or that I’m going to be stuck with everything".
Mom already expects this . Time to be proactive , tell them it is not happening.
Fortunately you live two hours away , making it not feasible to begin with for you to run back and forth alot . Do not move them into your home either.
Maybe your brother would be willing to join you in a united front, especially if they need a facility.
Do your parents have POA, Advanced Directives etc set up if they become incapacitated or incompetent to make decisions?
You are in much company , having stress over this emotional burden. It's common.
And don't share details of your own life , like vacations.
No you should not quit your job, your moms trying to set you up to be her 24/7 caregiver. Don't fall in that trap.
Has your mom been diagnosed with dementia, if she had a stroke I suspect there could be some vascular dementia going on. So YouTube Teepa Snow, she is terrific. You will learn what to watch out for
In the future, too.
The emotional burden can be horrible, you need to start setting boundaries now, get therapy if you feel you need to, meditate. If you have to much stress for to long if a time can change your brain. And you have a family that comes first.
Look up FOG , there is a good book , Fear-Obligation -Guilt. That's what your in right now, your in a fog. I think the book is called, Out of The Fog.
I hope that was helpful, anything else let us know. Vent chat or questions. Best of luck
You are not a horrible person . You have every right to work and have a career .
This is not normal . Your mother does not respect boundaries. But unfortunately your story is a common one on this Forum . My mother was the same .
Keep your boundaries . Start telling your parents you will not be a caregiver for them . Tell them they need to make plans for getting help.
There are a couple of threads right now they have been discussing this exact issue , of speaking to parents about the fact that they need to take responsibility and not expect their children to give up their lives .
Keep coming back as this unfolds. Many of us , have been , will be , or are in the same boat you are in . That is what brought us here.
”I can’t possibly do that.”
”Daughter, I need you to come up here Friday after work when you are tired. I have a fire, and YOU have to put it out.”
”Mom, I can’t possibly do that.”
“Daughter, you need to quit your job so you can take me to all my appts.”
“Mom, I can’t possibly do that.”
”Daughter, you need to become my full-time caregiver.”
“Mom, I can’t possibly do that.”
Rinse and repeat. 😀
justify
argue
defend
explain
My mother is very much like this too. Extremely negative, very manipulative, loves panicking over nothing and making unnecessary drama. When she starts with the panicking, I totally ignore her. That's when the phone call or visit ends. She expects me still to drop everything and go running whenever she wants to be 'babied' but also expects to be treated like an adult and charge of everything at the same time. She does not get this from me.
Don't you ever think you have to justify why you work when your husband has a good job. So does mine, but I will NEVER be financially dependent on anyone. I've been there and I will NEVER be there again. Even though spouses have legal rights, when you don't have your own money you are not an equal in the relationship. Always be an equal.
No, you most certainly are not a horrible person for wanting to take a break from the drama and negativity of the elder sh*tshow. I get that and you totally should. Don't take every phone call. Let them go to voicemail. Don't go running every time your mother panics herself into hysterics over nonsense because she wants attention. Take your vacation. You don't have to answer to anyone.
If your family throws in their two cents about what you should be doing for your parents, tell them that they seem to be experts in elder care so they can take over. Have them instruct your mother to call them when she's working herself up over nothing and wants attention. What you can do is find your mother a local therapist to talk to, then give this information to your family members with the big mouths. They can take mom to her appointments.
It may be time for your parents to move to a senior community or into assisted living. It's definitely time for there to be some homecare help coming in. It's also definitely time for you to take a break from your parents.
So take one, my friend. You deserve to. There's no law saying you can't help your parents unless everything is done absolutely their way.
You can offer them whatever level of help you're comfortable with. It must be on your terms (not theirs) or not at all. Please take your break.
My mother had vascular dementia from mini strokes, and was the neediest person I've ever met. Her expectations of me were ludicrous. She wanted me to be her entertainment committee and BFF which wasn't happening, because we had a strained relationship since I was a kid due to her personality disordered behavior. I was an only child, so the burdens all fell on me.
Early on, I had the conversation with both parents that we would not be moving in together. That I lived them, certainly, but would be doing no hands on caregiving or cohabitating. Or babysitting my unhinged mother, is what i really wanted to say, but didn't. So they first moved into Independent Senior Living, then segued into Assisted Living after dad fell and broke his hip. Mom was getting well into dementia by then, and then dad died 10 months later. Thank God mom was in AL because her lady friends gathered her up and took her under their wing, as widows themselves, and brought her back to the dining room and activities, etc. Her mourning period was almost non existent.
After about 4 years, I had to segue mom into the Memory Care building of the same AL, where she lived for nearly 3 years before she died in 2022. I did a TON for my parents, but not in the way of hands on caregiving or babysitting. It worked out very well, because they had lives of their own and autonomy. Very important.
I suggest you have this conversation with your parents soon too. You won't regret it. What you WILL regret is giving up your life in a futile attempt to provide a life for your mother. Mine was never satisfied no matter how much I did ANYWAY, so why bother?
Good luck to you.