Sister demanding I drive down from out-of -State, pick up my Alz Mom from Assisted Living facility and bring her to my house for Xmas. Couple things... we (my husband, children and I) have already made plans to visit the weekend after Christmas. Also the last time my Mom traveled she was extremely confused. Wandering around my brothers house and saying she wanted to go home. I’m afraid that
My Mom would wander out and fall down my stairs. I think she would be miserable! She didn’t even like to visit my house when she didn’t have dementia! Am I off base?
My sister and I already have a strenuous relationship. She is determined to micro manage my relationship with my Mother. I help as much as I can being that I live 2 1/2 hours away. My Mom was only diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last month. She has been in the assisted living facility for a month and a day.
How do I handle my controlling sister without getting into a fight?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-sister-is-now-demanding-i-visit-from-out-of-state-2-12-hours-each-way-twice-a-month-any-advice-433984.htm
Your family's journey with dementia is just starting; sets boundaries now and pay sis's guilt driven antics no mind. Try to understand that controlling behavior usually comes from place of anxiety.
But you can quite easily do some of the things that would help (why wouldn't you tell her when you plan to visit?) - just don't always feel you have to jump to order. Being supportive and sympathetic doesn't mean you always have to agree or comply.
She isn't going to change - so you need to. Role play (my therapist was great with this) calmly stating what you are going to do, do not get into further explanations that can get argued away, and hang up if your sister starts in. Good luck!!
Take care of your family, do what you want to do on Christmas, and let your sister twist in the wind if she wants to. That's HER option.
And if bringing mom home was not a good idea previously don't do it again. You're allowed to NOT do what your sister wants you to do. If you two have trouble communicating stick to email.
She paints me as the neglectful daughter and I don't feel like that is fair. I haven't earned that label. I love my Mom and I want to come and visit her as much as I can. My Sister is demanding I come out twice a month and give her my dates in advance. I have been out to visit my Mom at least 5 times since this past September. We had quite a few crisis with my Mom and getting her into Assisted Living. I was there whenever I was needed. So my feelings are hurt now at being treated like a dead beat.
No. So she can demand all she likes, you will not be driving down to collect your mother.
You have come up with a sensible and better plan, to visit your mother at the ALF, which a) suits you and b) MUCH more to the point will not disrupt your mother's new routine during this crucial settling in period.
So for those two excellent reasons, just say no.