My sister is 3 years older than me. My father is 94, deaf, blind and has arthritis in knees. He can just about cook for himself, dress. My elder sister 65 has taken control and wants to do everything herself. I am 62 have taken dad to lots of hospital appointments but my sister wants dad to go to nursing home near to herself and I have explained that it needs to be near to both of us. My husband is recovering from tumour removed from pancreatris and also hernia in same area. I also help dad, cut his hair, finger nails, sort his medication out every week, she does his shopping and fortnightly wash his sheets. When dad has gone to hospital she has told me the last minute or not at all. Social Worker said he wants to cook for himself and doesnt want to go into home. He wants to live with one of us. I have told him I cannot look after him because of my husbands illness. My sister doesnt want to have him live with her because when my mother died in 1982 he stayed with her for 6 weeks (he was 65) nearly split her marriage up. I am very tired of the situation and know that dad will do anything she says. Can you help. On forms she always put elder daughter when information required because she doesn't want me to be recognised as being daughter.
You may have to accept that he will need to live in a facility whether or not he wants to - at least eventually. Since it doesn't work for him to live with either of you, which is often the case, you two will have to find somewhere near one of you for him. It's a hard choice, but he needs someone to visit him.
Compromise of some type is needed, and your sister should have you down on the forms as a person to contact and for input. It's not fair to leave you off. I'm sure you've tried talking to her, but try again. Maybe a mutual friend can intervene on your behalf?
You do have your plate full, so please don't take on more than you can handle for your own health. If your sister does a good job of watching over your dad, maybe he needs to be in a care home near her and you and your husband can visit when you are able. Don't let guilt interfere with what your dad needs. You have done a lot and will continue to do what you can.
Take care of yourself and your husband, too.
Carol
-each person has their own perception of the past and present-
that it becomes almost impossible to put those feelings aside and focus on your
1 more thing-try not to let this eat u up- because it can-maybe,if u can,think about what would be best for u-for dad-and your sister-pick your battles-
what is possible-what isnt-
what can u overlook? issues like these sometimes help to give me a better perspective-but regardless,it is a hard and life changing time of life.
i am 62,brother is 7 yrs younger, and has taken over-POA changed,cant get info from lawyer, and the nh he put he in, is 4 hours from me-and isnt eager to tell me anything but- oh she is fine-so
i send u hugs and patience and love-
we r stronger than we think-