I am curious to see what everyone does for their in-laws, their relationship dynamic and the boundaries they’ve set on things they absolutely will not do.
I can’t stand my MIL. We have never had a “real” relationship. I have always just appeased her to keep the peace while she has slandered my name. It took years to be the bigger person and just look the other way.
Her health is seriously declining. She has other family besides her 1 son but no one will help or really talks to her outside of the occasional phone call because she has been a verbally and emotionally abusive viper her whole life.
My husband and I have been married for 31 years. The sun rises and sets behind my husband, but he also really wants nothing to do with her. If it comes down to it he’ll talk to her But in recent months he has stopped even initiating a relationship, calling her or going to see her unless I make him.
Just curious to see what everyone does for their in-laws. Where do you draw the line and hard no’s you will not do.
here are mine:
toileting
showers
hands on caregiving
After 46 years of her putting me down, belittling me, saying nasty, horrible things to me and DH just sitting back and allowing it, b/c "she's old, you have to make allowances". Phooey! She was 44 when I married into the family--that's old?? I was supposed to allow her to destroy me over and over--for what purpose??
I never fought back. I cried a TON. My poor kids, they saw what was going on and are mad to this day at their father who never said a word in my defense. They don't like grandma much either.
One year ago--a little more, since I know we weren't wearing masks yet-- I had to accompany DH to her house while he fixed her computer. She would not allow me to sit down, I had to stand there like a whipped dog. Finally DH says "Oh, for pity's sake, grab the office chair and sit down". She tried to argue with him, but I did get to sit. (My bad back was grateful!) Then, b/c she had been 'thwarted' she laid in to me something fierce. Just vitriol, nasty, hateful yelling at me. DH is deaf as a post and so is she, so she couldn't hear him and he wasn't even trying to listen to her. I sat there and had a great epihany. I didn't HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HER!!
I got up, slapped her on the back and said "V, I'm giving you the best gift in the world. I'm leaving and you'll never see me again" Followed by a good slap on the back and the theft of a Diet Coke.
I slammed out the back door, which neither one of them heard, darn it. Walked the few blocks to my sister's and by the time I got there I was laughing. Sis sat me down, fed me some chocolate and we talked and by the time DH came to get me I was fine.
And I have not spoken to nor seen my MIL since. NOTHING could make me see her again and I don't intend to. Why? Why put yourself in the line of fire?
I TRULY did not know people as nasty as my MIL actually existed.
Here's my hard no's of what I will not do:
see her again, ever
go to her funeral (but she is never going to die--she tells us that all the time)
Isn't that sad? Really, she could have had a good friend in me. I cannot change her and I'm OVER changing me for her.
It also brings me happiness to know her son really wants nothing to do with her anymore either. It’s like a my secret wish has been granted
How about he forces YOU to have a relationship with his viper mother? Would you like that? There's nothing virtuous about having to be abused by a parent.
My wife has a great relationship with both my parents.
We plan on keeping these relationships great by continuing to live in different cities or states than they do, and never considering even for the slightest fraction of a second having them live with us.
Find a nursing home where MIL will be properly cared for. Use her funds to pay for it, and if she can't afford it, apply for Medicaid for her. After she's been placed in a facility where her basic needs will be seen to, you and your husband can interact with her as much or as little as you choose.
This applies to in-laws, parents, siblings, anyone.
If someone can't stand a person and never had a real relationship with them they should not feel obligated to do for them. Just because a person is in someone's life for many years or they're a relative, does not mean they're owed something from people they've never treated well or been close with.
If your husband is limits his contact with his mother, he has reasons for this. Don't push him to visit her or even see her if it's not what he wants to do.
As far as you're concerned, you don't owe her a thing.
Add in MommyDearestMIL’s years of resentment from an abusive person, and continued, ongoing verbal abuse, and hands-on care is a recipe for unhappiness for one and all. I would NOT want to be cared for by someone I dislike who also dislikes me! Sometimes the best thing you can do is recognize you can’t do a job by yourself, even if pure-of-heart and willing to try.
Do you or your husband have any idea what if anything she may have set up? Does he have any legal authority to help? If not maybe she has made her statement and if she has set that up and he chooses to take on any responsibility for the arrangements you can either choose to support HIM by helping behind the scenes or simply providing moral support, it’s entirely up to each of you independently and together. Either way discussing it together is going to help you both through this as involved or not you are attached as family and will be privy to whatever happens. You have no legal or moral responsibility to her, your responsibility is only to your husband and it sounds like he is either conflicted himself or has made his decision and you need to have a discussion together about that. At least IMHO (in my humble opinion)