What is the one thing that you are stressing about?

Apologies in advance to RebeccaJ if Trazadone is one of the Rx sleep aids she has already tried. I meant no disrespect by offering my experience up for her consideration. And my hat is off to her because I cannot, will not, move back to Tennessee from my home of 25 years (NYC) to care for my widowed mother (I'm 48, she's 80) for many and varied reasons. It is simply out of the question.

As to what I am most stressed about, it is my widowed mother's unwillingness to tell the truth to her doctors or listen to ANYONE and take steps to keep herself healthy.

She desperately needs to have her knee scoped, but for some reason, she won't schedule the out-patient surgery. I've offered countless times to fly down and drive her to the surgeon's office and see to her until she's up and about. I've told her that she is making her knee worse and is risking major surgery if she doesn't act.

She desperately needs some exercise; she gets none. She could easily have a pool built (she used to like to swim), or join the really (REALLY) nice, spanking new YMCA 10 minutes away, which has a gorgeous pool (and new people to meet), but she just won't do it.

She needs to take an interest in her Type II Diabetes and learn what to eat--I'm talking the basics. She won't and hasn't for a decade.

She's having real trouble with her memory and she knows it, but she won't tell her doctor about it. I've told her that there are Rx meds that can really help, but she is unmoved.

Her eyesight, I suspect, has deteriorated. She simply says she now "doesn't read" and avoids night driving. She won't go see an optometrist. I worry that she's going to maim or kill herself or someone else in a car accident.

She used to say (while my father was terminally ill with cancer) that she would deal with her health after my father got better. He died 7 months ago, and I know she is still grieving (as am I), but the fact is, he outlived the most optimistic prognosis by over 5 years.

She goes to the doctor, she just doesn't tell the truth. She knows what she needs to do, she just won't do it.

I dread the telephone call that I know will eventually come if she does not change her behavior.

There is NO ONE to whom she will listen, no doctor, lawyer, accountant, relative, friend. She does not recognize any authority apart from her own.

Just like my father, whom I knew was terminal, my mother is speeding blindfolded toward a brick wall. The catastrophic collision of her denial and reality is not a question of if, but when--and how many others she takes with her.

RebeccaJ,

I'm sorry, I can't help myself from replying to you--I, too, have to have something to "put me down" at night, or the stresses of dealing with my aging mother would have me up all night. I, too, have resorted to taking my "as needed" benzos (Xanax) for sleep, which I know is a dreadful, self-destructive thing to do because tolerance builds up very quickly, and trying to kick back down to a reasonable daily level is a physical nightmare. But I do it because it works. And I've had my share of "nightcaps," too.

I just wanted to urge you to ask you doctor about an Rx that has helped me greatly, Trazadone. Technically, it is an anti-depressant, but is used off-label as a sleep aid. IT WORKS.

I have tried Ambien, and it works, too, but it is expensive and has a short track record. Ambien never caused me to wake up gorging on whatever's in the 'fridge, or to find myself commuting to work at 3 a.m., but these widely reported side effects concerned me. Trazadone has been around forever, is cheap, and its side effects/interactions are tolerable and well-established. And I can use all the anti-depression I can get.

Google it and give it some thought. It is an option. It is cheap even if you have to pay out of pocket. And it "puts me down" as well as Ambien ever did (though not quite as fast). I know my experience is anecdotal, but I also know a huge number of people use Trazadone to get some sleep.

Mother might live a long, long time. You don't really know if you can afford to wait for her to die to go to rehab. Don't let caring for her kill you. Don't. It took a stroke to wake me up--I made it, but it was a flip of the cosmic coin. I just got lucky. We all know that gambling on luck is a fool's errand: the House always wins. If it were not so, there would be no casinos in Vegas.

The thought of what to do with my helpless primadonna (always has been)elderly mother when she is no longer able to live independently! She is adament about staying in her own house until the day she dies and expects others to ensure that it happens without having to pay for it.

I apologize also. I am sorry I was so off the mark and made you upset. That was not my intention.

To anyone out there who wants to know, I put myself through medical school and have my own solo practice mostly populated by Medicare patients. I have learn most of what I know of life from them as they have an amazing wealth of knowledge from experience. I am not married. I have no children. My only sibling died a few years ago of unknown cause. Since I am a primary care physician, I do not make a lot of money and have struggled due to low reimbursement from Medicare and insurance companies which causes a great deal of daily stress. I care for both my parents who are elderly with a plethora of medical problems. My father was diagnosed a few years ago with severe PTSD and the Korean War torments him on a daily basis. My relationship was very strained with my mother and I got very depressed a couple of years ago not being able to keep up with everything needed of me. I sought counseling and discovered that my mother is likely suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder which she probably got from a very hard life as a child. That explained a lot of my childhood and my life in general. That also necessitated me to spend the next couple of years in counseling to accept and deal with that aspect of my life. Because I could not still keep up, I, myself was found to have been coping with Attention Deficit Disorder which I silently struggled with all my life not knowing what was wrong and blaming myself for not being like everyone else. Now I am seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist (to follow my medications) and am pulling my life together and hopefully someday will feel peaceful inside. I tend to have the need to help others probably due to something from my not-so-normal life. Currently I am actively helping a friend who is in her 80's who was the victim of a relative that convinced everyone she was unfit, had her committed to a locked facility, took over her home, car, and bank accounts, emptied her investment account, took her ID, and let her in a locked facility with her only belongings being a TV, bed, and a few rags for clothes. I am actively dealing with a lawyer who specializes in elder law, a professional fiduciary, and adult protective services. I was able to get her into an assisted living facility who got her a much reduced rate and have adopted her as their own so she can feel someone cares. I am in my 50's and from early in the morning to late at night I am going. I have no spare time, taxes that I worked on until 1:00 AM last night, and work up with a splitting migraine. I am late to the ICU this morning to see one of my patient's who is scared and very sick and touch-and-go. So as you can see, I do have some experience behind me.

I am sorry I offended you. I thought that what these forums were for was to help other people. The impression that you gave me in your post was exactly as what I wrote about. People are all unique but also in a strange way all the same. I have heard nearly twenty years of so many people's stories inside the four walls of my exam rooms. They really open up to me as they know nothing goes outside those four walls. My job is to sense if something is going on and to help people to open up so that they can get help with what they need. So many times people feel that they just need to "suck it up" and deal with it or that there is no way out. Like I did for so many years.

So anyway, I hope you find what you are looking for. I am sorry that I misjudged you. I am going to retire also from this forum as maybe you are right, it may not be a place for me. I did not post my bio as I guess I just wanted to be a person on this forum and not an "expert." It helped me in that I was able to vent about the topics in general on an equal level but I guess I came off like a know-it-all.

So good bye all! Hope everyone finds what they are looking for.

Very interesting that 1tiredcaregiver offers not one bit of information on his or her profile!

I apologize if this post is sort of off-topic. But I felt I really wanted to respond to some people who gave me “advice”, even though I specifically stated, I didn’t want any.

First, I really thank Jinx4740, for the recommendation of Ativan to help with sleeping and stress. I’ve taken it for 4 evenings and had alcohol only one night -- that was at my Sunday night poker game. Thanks also to JessieBelle for your support and to those that sent me hugs.

However, to those of you who felt the need to give me your arm-chair psychobabble, even though I specifically stated I wanted no advice, we are all adults here. We are all strong peope; if we were not, we wouldn’t be able to do what we do. So, do respect each other and think next time.

1tiredcaregiver, you are so f’n off the mark, it is unbelievable. Where did you get the impression that I “do not welcome the help of the people in the town for some reason”? I have various people from my Mother’s church coming in every week to visit her to give her stimulation. I have welcomed any help I can get from anywhere. I have even hired a woman to come in 3 days a week to help over lunch.

I did not originally leave my hometown to “get away”. I moved because I had a degree in Regulatory Law and there were no jobs in my home town. I eventually became an expert witness for a major corporation in Regulatory Law. I now say it is a “stupid little town” because I lived most of my life in cities with cultural things to do. There are none here and very little shopping. We have no public transportation.

I am not afraid of my Mother pending death. In fact, I would welcome it because that is what she wants. I am not afraid of my own death. This is not my first time at this. I was my Father primary caregiver 14 years ago.

I drank to be able sleep to help my Mother. The only thing I fear is that I will not be able to keep her healthy enough to die in her own home, which she so wants. That worries me and kept me awake at night. However, the Ativan works.

Don’t bother responding to this because I probably won’t see it. I always thought that this site was a place for people to vent with no judgment. While I might monitor the questions part in case I can off advice to someone who asks it, I will never ever again, post anything personal or vent.

So, thanks, 1tiredcaregiver, your “advice” sucked.

Free massive open online class (MOOC) starts tomorrow though coursera, google it, on caregiving for those with Alzheimer's and other dementia. Johns Hopkins sponsored coursera.

Oh, twopupsmom. Big hugs and more big hugs. I admire your standing up to them so much. I hope so hard that they can do something to make it better.

stress came on strong this past Monday when I had to take me 82 year old husband ALZ mid stage to Washington DC to the military hospital WRNMC in Bethesda, he fell outside Monday morning walking in the grass with our pup (rabbit holes galore here) hit his head, twisted his leg, then started talking calm but crazy, substituting words for other words, making no sense, he was scared I called our PC Dr. who told me to give him 1/2 tab Ativan & take him to Bethesda Medical emergency room, he was calm, making jokes while we waited to be seen now 3pm - at 9pm he is still not admitted, had no night meds - so ER gave him a shot to calm him & they were going to draw blood, I went to get coffee, when I got back they had given him a shot of Halcyon & mucho Benadryl - he was screaming, total psychotic, it took 6 male nurses to get him tied down, it was like he was on steroids. they finally admitted him, Dr tells me he has to be moved next morning to a facility other than there & he would not be allowed to come home, they would not let me see him again, next morning ( they did not want me there that day as he was still in restraints,) I crashed, dr called to say things were looking up, next Psychiatrist called to tell me they stripped down all the meds he was on, going to start anew, he was so positive telling me he would have my husband better in a few days than I have seen him in a very long time, what a relief, next morning ( I was leaving for a round table visit with all Drs & my dear husband ) I get a call from same psych telling me there was nothing they could do for him, he had to be moved out of the hospital ASAP as the facility does not care for ALZ patients ( obamacare at its finest) I arrived my husband was doing really good, happy smiling, talking, I felt good, Drs mtg wanted me to remove him, I refused, they had social worker come in with the same rhetoric, I refused, he was not leaving until the had him secured on 24/7 meds that I could administer as I was taking him back home to live, they agreed to keep him 24 more hours, I refused, they asked if I could remove him Monday, I said no, they finally left the room. that very night I get a call from a doctor that wants me to calm my husband on the telephone so they could get a shot in him to settle him down, I did, they gave him the shot, today is Sunday, I was there all day yesterday, yes he is doing great, was so happy to see me, he has a one on one USN personnel with him 24/7 who told me they were still restraining him at night up through Thursday morning, what a bureaucratic fight on my hands here, but it is our right for my husband to be treated there for as long as need be. Hope tomorrow when I get there the report will be better. really a tough week just trying to stand my ground.

Afraid my mother mini strokes will be a major one and instead of dying she will live more messed up than she already is. Afraid because I have no control of any of these things...

KATHY11, Don't feel bad about the "crying wolf" thingy. This stuff is just uncharted territory for most of us. If hospice thought your dad was passing you were just sharing that very important information with your sibs. Oh Well! I was called home three years ago, get on the next plane, hope she will make it til you get here, lets go directly from the airport to the hospital, kind of thing. Guess what? Mom is still with us! Had a horrible stroke, but I have made more "last visits" than I can count. Another situation we had 10 years ago was with my aunt who had ALZ and was staying at home with 24/7 caregivers, my folks lived next door. Dad called me at work to say that the nurse called and told him that she had passed etc. They call the FH etc (she was 92) and guess what? She had not passed at all! Dad called me back 3 hours later to say instead she was ina diabetic coma! It happens! She then passed about two months later!

I am worried that after our large financial losses, the hell my siblings have created around me and the 24/7 days of caring for my mom will end with her death and my so called family will then take us thru the court system to further destroy our lives.

I am stressed about my weight!!!!!! I was in an accident approx. 3 years ago, underwent surgery in April 2013 as a result of the accident and on top of that I am menapausal which has contributed to my weight gain and loss of metabolism. I am trying to get back on an exercise regimen, but the stress of caring for my 81-demented mother is causing me to go on emotional eating binges. I thank God for these blogs and need to come her more often, esp. when I get ready to put some chocolate in my mouth. :)

My Mom can't remember things or thinks things happened that did not, and gets mad at me. I understand it is the disease, (for the most part, she has always been unable to admit if she is wrong) but it stresses me big time. I try not to argue with her, but sometimes I just go there. She gets mad and won't speak to me for days.

im stressy. the process of elimination has orphaned me and made me a family elder simultaniously. im supposed to live right and emit words of wisdom and such. screw that. i aint role model material.. i keep bail money on the books in advance at the county hoosegow.

No advice just my story! Ive been ok since taking sleeping tablets 5mg of siltnoct but my doc wants me off them soon as they are addictive I will go off them when I know im ready and a solution to mum has been resolved. Since her diagnosis last week the reality has set in and even the sleeping tablets are taking awhile to kick in BUT they do kick in eventually. I am not a big drinker can take it or leave it BUT have had nights when just a bottle of wine with a friend helped me unwind and sleep like a baby.
I am and always have been a very strong able woman if someone told me that at 48 you will be on anti-depressants and sleeping pills id have laughed my head off! even when I was young taking a pill for headache never appealed to me and I suffered rather than take tablets but hey life takes a crappy turn and you realise although youre a tough person youre only human and sometimes we need a little something to get us through the crappy times! Off for a smoke now then bed and some music THANKGOD for music i bought a new CD today and am so excited to go and listen to it now. Ok so its saturday night im up on a care forum sure id rather be out having a life but sometimes life stinks!! Hugs to all who do this role!

Crikey. I think when someone here asks to vent and asks not to get advice it is exactly what we should do. It is not like we are going to fix someone that we really don't even know. I know caregivers do have a fix-it personality, but we shouldn't make people feel that it is not safe to talk here. I have a feeling most of us here know what we could do and what we should do. Sometimes we just need to talk. Talking and listening to ourselves many times is what helps us work things out.

Besides, some of the advice given here just really sucks, given the circumstance of the person writing.

Listen, my intention was not to be judgmental at all. Sorry you were offended. I have been where you are in terms of your caregiving situation and just want you to understand that if you don't come to terms with your displaced guilt and worry, it will consume you. I wish you well

The anger at the lack of help sibling help, when I say lack of sibling help, I mean non-existent help. Zero help. No offers of any kind whatsoever.

You seem like someone who can be helped.

When I read you blog, I do not get any sense of resentment of taking care of your mother. She is safe. You give her the illusion of being on her own. Family helps out. There are no family tension. Your money is good. Your mom raised you right as you are so self sufficient that you have retired at age 51.

Your are a problem solver. Usually able to take care of any problems that come your way. You sound pretty darn smart. You are successful, accomplished and frustrated.

So the real question is, what are you frust rated about??????

Here you are in a "stupid small town" that your parents lived in for 59 years. You do not welcome the help of the people in the town for some reason. You were born there and probably raised there since you are 51 years old. You moved away to get away.

Now you are forced through circumstances (from life, not anyone's fault per se) to do good by your mom. You are facing old demons that you are afraid of because you do not want anyone to respond to your question. There was, after all, a reason you moved and made it on your own. But now, your mom, for whom we should have gotten lessons on how to become an adult woman, is slowly becoming not herself, weak (which you are not), vunerable, needy, pitiful, ....everything that you are not. It even makes it worse that it is happening in the reality of the home and "stupid little town" that you grew up in.

I think that you are afraid of what you are seeing. You are questioning your own mortality. You seeing the unfairness of life and seeing yourself in her. It is scaring the shit out of you and so you drink yourself to sleep.. You are flipping off all that is sensible as you are probably saying, "who cares, what is the sense of it all."

Get a good counselor outside that little town and talk until you are tired of talking. You need to find peace with yourself and the way of life from someone who knows. Its a journey. Just know that you have to take it. You cannot sedate yourself with the bottle of booze and avoid it. If you do you will end up not that smart successful girl your mom raised you to be.

My heart is with you...

Caregivercenter, in an extremely limited way I appreciate your comments. However, you are being so judgmental and truly offering no advice.

I originally said I wanted no advice and I knew I was in a bad place, so you gave me advice any way but no really new information. If you had truly read anything on me, you'd know I have respite care, I have breaks and I have a life -- I get out of town to go a way for at least a week at a time. My problem is turning off my brain/worry/guilt in the present tense to get some sleep. Do you really understand that?

I have never been so damn sorry I posted anything in my life. I thought part of the thing is that we can post things here, vent and there is no judgment. Do, I have some problems, yes, as I've said.

Exercise, when I can, because I hire a person to come in 3 days a week I get to Planet Fitness 3 times a week for about 1 1/4 to 1/1/2 hrs per time. So, do not tell me exercise will help me. -- it does not!

I appreciate all the supposed concern some have given, but not really every thing works for every body. Hell if it did would we even need this forum?

Do you really thing I've reached this age and position in life and not know what's going on?

The only one who offered me any real help or advice is Jinx4740, who recommended Ativan. Which I went to my doc and got and used last evening with out any alcohol whatsoever and it was great.

What amazes me is at the beginning of my post I asked for no advice. If I were on the opposite side of that post I, as an adult, knowing that it was another adult that posted that, would have respected the post.

I doubt I will ever post another damn thing again. But to Jinx 4740, I thank you for the advice on the Ativan, it has helped.

To all the others who have told me the dangers of alcohol. Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't know? Actually what' more damaging to me right now is I have started smoking again and I had cardiac stent put in this past Jan. You know the stent was probably totally from smoking, not from alcohol.

I am doing what I need to do to help my Mother. And I will do it in any manner I need to accomplish it. If I need to drink to get to sleep, so be it.

Am I an alcoholic? I don't know. But I do know there are thousands of functioning alcoholics in the world. If it does not interfere with my taking care of my mother, F everything else!

My Dad is dying. This has been going on for a week now. I woke this morning, and he was ashen white. I called hospice and described his very shallow breathing, and the lady told me the end was near. I texted all my siblings to come after work. After i sound the alarm, somehow my Dad gets up and gets dressed like nothing is wrong. This has been a long process, and I have worked through my grief. What is stressing me is how to handle telling the other 6. I feel like the boy who cried wolf. My one sister thinks I am crazy. The youngest has miracle cures. lol I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

I have no retirement egg to speak of and applying for Medicaid for my mother who wouldn't be bed ridden had she done therapy like she was supposed to after falling and breaking her pelvis. She's always been and always will be the largest stressor in my life.

@ Rebecca, you are very much in denial. The biggest risk for caregivers is that they are dying at a faster rate than the person they are caring for. You are killing yourself slowly, inside, sip by sip. I encourage you to get home care, respite services so you can find a life. Exercise during the day will help you sleep.

I'm like JessieBelle, not just one thing stressed out about. The biggest thing right now is the stress of will I be alone on the holidays. It is so painful to sit home alone with dh on the holidays. Alone. The next thing is money.

Madeaa and Bermuda, I understand and appreciate you comments and concerns, but right now this is the only way I know to cope. My Mother is 92 and while I know it is possible, I really doubt she'll live 5 years, if another year. I've gotten my own weight back up. I take my breaks, etc., I get help.

I just can't seem to turn off my brain to get the sleep I need. I can be dog tired physically and yet not fall asleep. I've tried Melatonin, 3 different prescription sleep medications -- nothing worked. In fact, the prescription sleep meds worried me more than the booze. But right now the booze works to turn off the brain to sleep. Without sleep I just can't help Mother to die in her own home. She is not killing me. There is no booze during to the day -- only from 9 pm to midnight about. Otherwise I am fine and doing what needs to be done during the day. Thanks, I know you're right, which is why I said I know I was in a bad place, but right now it is the only way I can do what I need to do. I'll deal with the consequences later.

RebeccaJ - Do what you have to, but I find that Ativan works better than alcohol. It's targeted toward the stress and anxiety. I assume you're talking about one or two drinks a night.

You're right, you do need your sleep. Hugs.

Rebecca what if your mother lives five more years, what happens if you continue on as you are? Please consider. I put those questions to myself as well - my current ways of coping are destructive to me also. Are we not worth saving?

RebeccaJ I hear you, just stop for a moment. Take a deep breath and take your life back. You don't need advice you need you back, you can take yourself back. Let mom go, she is killing you. Thank you for your heartfelt truth, go to bed, go through the withdrawal, take care of yourself and you will get better. Put a plug in the jug and get better. It will take you a good seven days

Sorry forgot, BTW, I got Mother's weight up to 101 and her hemoglobin up to 11.6. So, she doesn't need a transfusion. I truly believe that if she had to go to the hospital for a transfusion, she wouldn't come out. I give her, her right to die, but my purpose is to help her die in her own home.