Thank you for reading this question and hearing my story. I apologize in advance for its length but I am in search for some options on how to handle a situation dealing with my verbally/emotionally abusive and aggressive grandmother.
Some backstory, several years ago when I was single I moved into a house my grandmother previously owned that she asked my parents to take over because she could not maintain or afford it on her own. My parents were losing money trying to honor her wish to die in this home so I decided to move in to help my parents by paying rent. I also wanted to help my grandmother since she lived alone when had shoulder replacement surgery due to a fall. My good intentions quickly were discarded and my eyes opened when she turned overnight from my loving grandmother to someone i didn't even recognize. She would yell, scream, throw things around the house, threaten me, and use any information she got against me when she was upset with me for doing things like "touching her stuff" when i cleaned the home. Everything was her stuff and because she couldn't clean i had to start doing that when she wasn't home. She is OBSESSED with this house but its not her home anymore. My parents have dumped thousands and thousands of dollars into this house to fix it up since my grandmother let it deteriorate so the state wouldn't take it and my husband and i have also invested a lot into this house since we got married last year (i.e. painting, fixing up electrical, new appliances, furniture, etc.) It actually looks nice for the first time in years but she would rather it fall apart. We love this house the community we are in but the situation with my grandmother is threatening it all.
My mother has MS and my father has his own medical issues as well with PTSD and physical disabilities from serving in Iraq. The stress of my grandmother has caused them both to become sicker so they limit interactions as much as possible for their own health. My husband and i have talked multiple times about moving out of this house but if we moved out not only would we be affected financially but so would my parents who receive NOTHING from my grandmother except complaints about us despite submitting paperwork to the state for her to have increased social security to pay something for rent or utilities. My grandmother has COPD, is on oxygen, is losing her vision, has high BP, hearing loss and has early stages of dementia but social services department of aging have said she is too high functioning to qualify for any services. I have tried finding a home care provider, setting her up with the senior center, but she refuses to go and says those people are old and she's not old (she is 86 years old).
In the past few weeks, she has been hospitalized twice for COPD related complications and a blood infection but is back in the house with a vengeance. We have caught her spitting on our stuff, taunting our dog like she will hit him, slamming doors, throwing stuff around the house, calling me names and threatening us. I do not know what to do except to move out. Her behavior has alienated all of my family from her and my cousin (who is her "caregiver") is not reliable. No one knows what to do in the family but because we are in the home we are left to survive on our own. My parents won't evict her because she has no money nor can we afford assisted living for her. I have called the cops in the past to report situations that became out of control when she was stealing our stuff but they just tell us to move out and they wouldn't do anything because of her age. She is very manipulative so we even installed cameras just for our own safety if she accused us of hurting her which she has done before. I am running out of options other than to cut my losses and move out. Is that really the only solution? I see it offered up a lot on these forums but what I would like to know if what others have done. Thanks!
Time for change.
You do have power here. You are propping up this house of cards. By you stepping out, it will collapse as it should. Then better plans for all of you can emerge.
Move out.
Build a wonderful home with your DH. Rent something asap & save to buy your own one day.
Call APS to check on Grandma as you leave.
You know the phrase cruel to be kind? Or tough love?
Grandma will become an 'unsafe discharge' from hospital to an empty house. So into care instead - which is what she needs.
Your folks can then get better paying tennents or sell the house.
You will be free to start afresh. Have no regrets. You will have learned a lot.
PS Peony is such a beautiful flower. I wish you well on your beautiful new path.
No, do not continue to pander to GM's wish to die in her house. Spend energies figuring out what anyone is legally able to do to help her.
Does anyone have PoA for GM? If not, there aren't many options. Your parents could pursue guardianship through the courts but if she's "functional" then that won't fly plus it's very expensive. Even if the house deed belongs to your parents they would need to go through the eviction process to remove her and would need to have a landing place for her.
Was GM's personality always like this? Did your parents just "forget" to tell you about it? If this is new behavior she might be experiencing a UTI and should go to the doctor/Urgent Care/ER to get checked and get antibiotics if she has one. It would explain unusual behavior.
If the house deed is still in GM's name then everyone should move out and call APS to report her as a vulnerable adult. Just keep calling and eventually the county will take guardianship of her, move her out to a facility and take control of all her assets. Then no one needs to fret over her care. Your family needs to let go of the house thing. It's controlling everyone and causing people to make bad decisions and waste their energies in a pointless pursuit.
Answering who has PoA; who owns the deed; and has she always been this way would be very helpful.
Given that your mother has MS and your father has PTSD, the situation in which they're in is certainly not only unhealthy for them now but will continue to be so, continuing to negative affect their own health, which I'm sure you realize will deteriorate as GM continues to dominate apparently all of your lives. And it may already have in that they're apparently uncomfortable standing up to her and taking action against her.
That also might be a reflection of the serious health issues they're already dealing with; it's hard to be firm when you're not on firm ground yourself.
I'm always uncomfortable when it's necessary to take action against a family member, but I think it's either that or ruin your parent's health as well as yours and your husband's.
One consideration is to contact the VA, as I'm assuming your father's enrolled, and ask to speak with his team social worker. There may be some assistance in counseling to reach the point of removing GM from the home, which I think is the only option. She's apparently segued into a domineering position, is uncontrolled and has intimidated everyone. I don't fault anyone though. It's easy enough to feel sorry for an aged person, but unfortunately, this can act as an enabling event.
The issue though is that apparently there are no funds for her to go anywhere. Being that she's a parent of a Veteran, the SW may have some suggestions. I'm just not that familiar with those kinds of situations. But I think she has to go, or the house has to be sold as you can't continue to ruin your own health trying to keep it up while living in a dysfunctional environment.
It may come to just removing her and placing her somewhere, but undoubtedly she'll retaliate wherever she is, and all of you will feel guilty.
If you move out, would this cause more stress and obligation for your parents? If so, then that's not a good solution for either of you, but neither is remaining in this toxic environment.
I think this is a situation in which there are NO good solutions, so the next choice would be what's best for you, your husband, and your parents, b/c GM isn't cooperating and won't be part of the solution.
Attempting to get guardianship by your parents, filing for Medicaid, might be options, but I assume this would be hard for your parents, emotionally as well as physically. Remember, though, that traumatic events aren't going to do anything but complicate your parent's and your difficult position.
I wish I had some good answers, but I've never experienced this situation, and what insights I have are limited.
I did want to share my concern and support for this unhealthy predicament that GM has created.
I would have left several years back. And I would not have brought a new husband into the picture. The first year of marriage is hard enough without having to care for someone.
First thing I need to say is SS does not give raises because someone can't live on what they receive. Its based on someones earnings over the last 35 years before they start collecting. Yes, it has been found that people may not be getting what they deserved. Like a widow that didn't go to SS after her husband died and have her SS adjusted. I had a friend that widowed young and started collecting at 60. She worked till she was 72. She ended up making more than her husband had in his lifetime and at 70 received a higher amount.
I think Grandmom needs to be seen by a neurologist or a psychiatrist. People in their right minds do not act this way. If your parents do own the house, maybe time for grandmom to go to a nice Senior apt where they charge rent according to what she brings in. Check with Social Services and see if she qualifies for SSI which is a Supplimental income.
Maybe she just doesn't like you in "her" home since she has been mean since you moved in. Maybe Mom and Dad should have let the house go. If she didn't care why should they. Let the state take it. Then she would have been in the position that to get her out, they may have had to find her a place to live. Doubt if they would have thrown an old lady out in the streets.
So, if you can't get grandma out, then you will need to leave for ur own sanity. You can't take care of everyone. Actually, everyone should not expect you to. Help yes. But if your holding down jobs hard to do caregiving too. Start learning how to set boundries now.