I'm writing this mostly as self-therapy but I'll be glad if anyone here has any suggestions. I was taking care of my grandmother who had been suddenly hospitalized two months ago. She was 93 and had Sepsis, which has very high mortality rate. However, after being discharged from the hospital, she was making very good recovery.
Now to my problem. I had quit my job to search another one before my grandmother had taken ill. I decided to go slow on my job search and help my family take care of my grandmother. My parents are themselves old, so they needed me to take charge. I mostly did well in the initial month. However as days became weeks, I started panicking about my career. And started to resent, what I thought was, less contribution by other family members.
And I took out my frustration by shouting at everyone, even at my grandmother who was recovering. Besides I had foolishly thought that my grandmother was out of danger and was relentlessly making her take more food orally, try to walk etc. In all this I forgot to be nice and more kind, which I would have perhaps been if I had known that she won't recover. I kind of played the part of a strict hospital nurse who get things done, instead of a loving grandson in the last days of a person's life.
Suddenly my grandmother's Sepsis returned. Without going into details, I failed to re-admit her to the hospital in time, because I didn't clearly interpret the symptoms. When I eventually got the ambulance and took her to the hospital, it was too late and she died on my lap before we reached.
My family members and also the doctor had advised not subjecting her to further invasive medical treatment. So her spending her last days at home instead of ICU was perhaps not a bad outcome. But this didn't give me time to get back on happy terms with her again.
Now, I'm struggling with severe guilt. I feel I was not nice and kind to her in her last days, even though I was managing her medical needs. I did not get many of our relatives to come and visit her, because I felt, we could do that later on. I also wonder if all the force-feeding and exercises over a month, were worth it when I could have just let her be and only did what she wanted to do.
I have always felt that I don't have enough Emotional Intelligence and hurt people without meaning too. But this time, I have hurt a person whom I dearly love, in her last days, and have no way of fixing it anymore.
I have resolved to make up by taking better care of the rest of my family going forward and learn to control my emotions under pressure, but still not sure how I'll get over this mistake.
So many people have so many regrets after a loved one dies, especially when we were involved in the care of that loved one. If I were to tell you that I think you're being way too hard on yourself I'm not sure you'd believe me. At least not at this point. I'll share a story with you:
I cared for my dad in my home until the care became too much and he had to be in a nursing home. I loved my dad fiercely and visited him whenever I could but I had taken a new job (since I wasn't caring for my dad full-time anymore) which cut into the time I spent with him. But there came a time when we had to put him on hospice.
I saw him on a Tuesday and he was confused and delirious and scared. I comforted him much like a mother would comfort a small child. Then I left. I worked the following weekend---12 hour shifts 3 days in a row. On my way home from my shift Saturday night I thought I'd swing by the nursing home just to check up on my dad but I had another 12-hour shift the next day and decided to put the visit off one day even though I had to drive right by the nursing home on my way home.
I called the nursing home when I got home just to see how my dad was doing and was informed that he had died just a short time ago. Had I stopped at the nursing home I would have been there when he died. As it was he died alone.
Of course I regret not going to the nursing home that night but how I was I supposed to know he was going to die that night? I was living my life and working at a new job. I was doing the best I could with what information I had. Just like you did the best you could with what information you had.
I understand why you feel guilty. I get it, I really do. But don't continue to do that to yourself. You were in a pressure cooker. As caregivers we give up everything to care for someone else and the stress of that is enormous and dangerous to our emotional and physical health.
You had no idea your grandma was living her last days, you thought you had more time. How were you supposed to know? Of course you would have gathered her family together had you known just like I would have stopped to see my dad had I known. But there's no way either of us could have known.
Your post was very insightful and I would beg to differ on the point that you don't have enough emotional intelligence. You have a very keen insight into yourself and I would be willing to bet that you may not be looking back on your time with your grandma with much clarity at this point. The guilt and the regret are getting in the way right now.
In 12-Step groups, the 9th step is about making amends to those who have been hurt. Sometimes a simple "I'm sorry" won't cut it so often a "living amends" is suggested in which someone changes their behavior towards others in place of making an apology to one certain person. Your resolve to take better care of your family is a perfect example of a living amends. You can't apologize to your grandma anymore so you are going to learn from that experience and move forward doing things differently. I can't think of a more loving tribute to your grandma.
My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you. Now you know from your experience caring for your Grandmother, and when the time comes for your parents that you can make a more knowledgeable decision.
Ok, so you played Nurse Jackie for a while.
But everyone, especially your grandma, knew you were trying to do the best you could. Even if you had been the best caregiver, you're still left wondering if there was anything you could've done better.
I lost composure and snapped at my Dad a few times the month before he passed in my arms. I still regret it, but that didn't cause him to die faster. The writing was already on the wall, just as it was for your grandma.
Get off the pity pot and a way to forgive yourself so you can move forward. That's what she'd like you to do.
Then take the letter and burn it in an ash tray (outside the house, please) or fire place, and watch it burn. And as it turns to ash, forgive yourself and keep only the lessons you learned from this experience, not the guilt, nor the burden of reliving it.
Grieve for your grandmother. And stay the loving, sensitive personal n you are. You are not emotionally unintelligent. You are inexperienced in dealing with emotions. That can be fixed. Starting now. The next time you are angry about something, see if you can find something productive to do with the anger. I find washing the car, chopping wood, or scrubbing a room helps me to work through it.
And please know, sometimes anger is justified. It is how we act on it that may be inappropriate. Your relatives may have taken advantage of your efforts, and not contributed. And you should keep your career in mind when you make choices.
And, you are not responsible for your relatives not coming to visit her. They are responsible for that choice. But keep in mind that those same relatives will likely NOT help you when your parents need care. Nor will they be likely to visit. So if you and your parents put funds away to help take care of you and them, don't squander it.
Best of wishes to you. Hope you can forgive yourself and learn to remember your wonderful grandmother. You were there for her. Not perfectly, but no one is there perfectly. But you were THERE. For her and your parents.
You were forced into a difficult situation, with no training and a LOT of stress attached. You did the best you could, and your grandmother would have died no matter what you had done. I know my DH was constantly "shoulda, coulda, woulda" to himself after his dad passed. It drove him crazy. In retrospect, yes, all of us have dropped the ball in the caregiving dept., but very few of us have formal training in end of life care. People die, that's what happens. I know we gave my husband's dad the very best care we could. But his body still gave out. I have no regrets, it's all my hubby's. He felt that we should have had him in our home with me dancing attendance 24/7. That wasn't what dad wanted and wouldn't have added a day to his life, nor one iota of joy to it.
You're going to feel guilty for a bit, but don't wallow in it. 93 years ago with a grandson caring for her? I think you are amazing! And as far as interpreting the "signs"--my grandma was in a skilled NH--actively dying and they'd bring her huge meals, 3 times a day when she couldn't swallow water. DON'T beat yourself up. Take time to grieve, remember her and let go. (You seem to be very "emotionally intelligent!")
I should not be shouting at anyone. I hope I'll stop doing that, learning from this mistake.
My grandmother definitely knew that I cared for her. I can draw solace from the fact that our relationship in her last months wasn't very different from what it was before in our lives. For good or worse, I didn't contemplate her succumbing to her illness at this point. But as I witnessed, in the last few hours, fearing and anticipating the impending end may have been way more painful for everyone. My grandmother was a very independent and strong person. Maybe she would not have a liked a long goodbye either.
Thanks.
I second all of the sentiments that you did the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had. Even doctors can't always tell when someone is near the end. My dad's doctor was having him start on anti-depressants on the day he died. I could tell he was getting ready to die and that's why he was withdrawing from everything. I wasn't with him when he died, and that ate at me for a while. But I realized I had to look at the totality of my dad's life and our relationship and not the last 30 minutes of his life. You need to do the same with your grandma. Her life was much more than just the last month of her life. So shift your focus to those times and don't get hung up on focusing on her last month. Hugs to you - you were a GREAT grandson.
The last time I had full on face to face contact with my Mom was after a meeting at the nursing home with the staff. My brother had picked me up and drove me and we popped in very briefly afterward to see my Mom. At the time I thought I should of stayed longer but how was I to know it was the last time I would see her conscious and aware. I regret it and felt guilty but how was I to know.
My Mom and I always said I love you after every conversation we had. My advice to you would be maybe make a conscious effort now to tell the people you love that you love them every day and therefore avoid ever having to feel like maybe they didn't know.
I'm sure your grandma knew you cared. Don't beat yourself up about it.
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