My parent is giving way too much to charities. How can I stop this?

I'm thankful my father was much the opposite. (In fact he was convinced that some legitimate things were probably scams!) He gave small amounts to a few charities, but when he started receiving phone calls from one of them asking for more, he told them that if they called again, he would quit giving them anything--when they called again, he told them "that's it; I'm not sending anything again" and stuck with his decision. After his death, they called and I told them he was dead, and then when they asked if I would like to "continue the 'tradition' ", I gave them an answer they didn't want to hear.

Some years ago I was giving to a cause I wanted to support, but when I received a letter saying "thank you for your contribution of $X; how about giving us $2X next time" I decided to cut them off right there. I imagine there are plenty of otherwise legitimate charities that try to talk the elderly into giving more than they want or are able to give.

i've posted in the past about some ways I dealt with these issues as concerned my elderly mother. All suggestions here have merit. Can only find comfort in believing there is a special hell for the creators and keepers of the sucker lists of our vulnerable elders!!!

I could write a BOOK about this. It all started with Publishers Clearinghouse (may Ed McMahon burn in H3LL forever), where you just send in just a couple bucks to enter. And the charities. OMFG the charities. You get on a 'sucker list', it expands exponentially, and it goes on and on and on and it WILL NOT STOP. Oh, you think you can put their name on 'do not send' lists, and try stopping the tsunami, but it will not work. 1) Take charge of the checkbook and if they still are writing checks to Save The Cetaceans or Chihuahua Rescue of Podunk, MN, offer to drop the mail off 'on your way home'. 2) Change of address. Let them have a fit, but put in a change of address to have the stacks of craap sent to you to deal with. I was throwing out up to 50 begging letters a week sent to my mother, when she wasn't looking I smuggled them out of the house. And took the mail to 'the post office'. Good luck. It's a real problem and can get very costly.

If dad is competent, there is really nothing you can do. If he isn't, you might be able to put in a change of address with the Post Office and have his mail forwarded to you. You may need dad to sign to make the change unless you have Power of Attorney. I'm sure you can check with your local Post Office...and good luck!

Margaret: I knew one lady who sent away $40-50K in donations because she was addicted to it! Her spouse stopped it cold by setting up a Post Office Box at the Lodi, CA area where they lived.

MargaretSMD: Sadly, scammers target elders in a big way through phone scams and U.S. mail scams. These companies whether it be the FOP or American Heart Association target this age group and why? Because they are considered "easy prey," often giving away their last dollar because the organization asked them to! Take over your mother's bank accounts now!

There is a non profit web site called Charity Navigator where you can search charities by name and see a star system rating given by the site - they have very strict standards. If you then click on the charity you will get information on anything and everything you could ever want to know - what percentage of every dollar actually reaches the cause, do they sell the names of their donors to other charities, what percent of donations pay admin salaries etc. It is a really great site and it did help - a little - showing my mother that not all charities are charitable.

I've learned through the years that the Do Not Call registry is absolutely worthless. Solicitors pay no attention to it. They know it's not enforced. Besides, it can't be enforced if calls come from outside the country. I'm on the DNC registry for all phones, but the landline rings with telemarketers all day. Robo-dialing doesn't check the DNC registry.

I replied earlier to situation of dad giving to much $$ to charities. There is a Fed. Trade Commission web site--consumer.fte.gov They have several choices to click on to be able to opt out of getting unsolicited mail. Also info if you don't have internet access. Plus info regarding the Do Not Call Registry.
I did change my mother's phone number after her experience with "the nice man on the phone". There seems only so much we can do while aging parents want to remain in their own homes. A good thing--to a point.

I was made POA for two married friends of mine in 2013 and began monitoring their spending. I noticed fairly frequent checks to Consumer Reports and to a magazine billing company. My friend, Jim, thought the magazine billing company was a bill to be paid and he had subscribed to the Economist magazine to about 2028. When I saw a "bill" from them, I could see why he was confused--it looked like a bill. I brought this to our state attorney general's attention and she lodged a complaint to them. They have since modified it a little so it doesn't look so much like a bill, but only if you read carefully. Consumer reports agreed to return the subscription money for several years worth, but the Economist magazine would not. I have since changed my friends' mailing address to mine so I get all their mail and can winnow out the appeals. I have used other charity's self-addressed envelopes to write back to them that no money will be coming from my friends anymore due to the cost of their memory care apartment and that they should save their postage for more promising chances of getting a donation. The volume has decreased a great deal. But, I could only do this because of all the authority my friends gave to me when they made me their POA for their finances and their health care. For anyone in this situation, I would recommend that as the first step to be able to control this. The post office acknowledged the right I had to change the mailing address to mine when they saw the POA form. By that time, I had moved my friends to a memory care apartment, too, so no one was living at their old address anyway. Getting such control can be tricky to do respectfully, but it needs to be done. I was put on their checking account as a signee and I have the check book now to pay the bills. The bank was relieved that I was helping them as my friends were phoning every day to check their bank balances and didn't write it in the check book or savings passbook. I canceled some of the credit cards, too, though there is little to no opportunity for my friend to spend money anyway. I give him cash for his wallet occasionally so when I take him out somewhere, he has options if he wants to buy something or treat me as a way of saying thanks for all the effort on his behalf.

My father was getting the solicitous phone calls, too, and they ended when I moved him to a retirement "hotel" and no one knew where he was anymore. They sounded so nice and personable that he would easily give in and donate money. His doctor has said he should not live on his own anymore and the retirement hotel was the option he could afford out of monthly income. He had his meals included and health care was available on site when he needed it. Due to his personality, moving in with any of his 4 children was not a welcome option. I still feel bad about the path we took, but at the time, it seemed the most reasonable. He was close to his church, friends and doctor, while I and another son lived two states away. We visited him once a month to take him out on the weekend, and to church, etc. and to check on the house. We easily sold it after he passed away, but not until then. We tried taking him back home to visit, but he was no longer interested.

That's an idea. If Mom wants to donate to the Humane Society, tell her to write a check and you'll take it to your local one. They can always use money to feed and house society's abandoned pets.

Fund-raising is a huge business with a heart of stone. Usually people are dealing with fundraisers, instead of volunteers with organizations. The fundraisers make their money by talking people out of theirs. Fundraisers for organizations like the National Humane Society take so much for themselves that Fido only gets a few cents on the dollar. Woof. It is better to hand your local humane society a check. Professional fundraisers don't care if someone has dementia or poor health. Being old and confused deserves its own list. There is a 80+ mailing and phone list for fundraisers. There are lists for people who have had different maladies. It's scary how much information is available for the compilation of lists. I don't even give anymore except locally. I give to animal rescues and I can't pass by a Salvation Army ringer without putting a bill in. I donate to programs aimed at feeding animals and people who need it, and know that almost every bit of the money goes for what it is intended.

Stepping down off soapbox now.

Didn't know charities won't remove u from their mailing list. Is there a self addressed envelope included. Then send it back with all the stuff the charity sent. Circle the address and write delete me off ur mailing list. Do this enough and the mailings will stop. Like the idea of a Po box and a debate card that can only be used for certain purchases.

Thanks, Tired1of4 😎

My 88 yr old mother did this a few yrs back-gave more to charities than she should have, but wouldn't give to Humane Society or SPCA because she was sure they would send her a cat or dog! So there are a "few" reasoning problems there. She was also doing heavy spending on Publishers Clearing House mailings that she got--$400-500. When I saw that I started getting those items and sending them all back. (Went online and got junk mail stopped.)She would not give up her checks to me-I am her daughter and have POA for her. It took the man on the phone with "such a nice voice" who promised her a new car and chance of winning millions of dollars. She sent him all the money, $5000, she had left in her savings account. Not a lot to some but that was her cushion for any emergencies she might have. By the time she told me what she had done the check had cleared and it was gone. Also she gave him her bank, credit card information as well. I also intercepted a packet of bank papers for a ready to sign mortgage application on her paid off home-for another $42,000. He was able to get $14,000. off her credit card. The bank forgave half of it and she is having to pay off the remaining $7000.
I would caution that you need to get his checking account, credit cards away from him and in your control ASAP. These scammers are heartless and don't care if their stories for help or promising the moon leave your loved one out in the street.
My mother can now see how wrong that was to give her money away but now way too late. (I had talked many times to her about giving her personal information away to someone over the phone.)
I would say don't wait till it's too late after someone has talked him out of everything he has with a good story.

A few years ago, I discovered my mother was "tithing" to an excommunicated "pastor" who occasionally preached in a room in the apartment bldg. Several hundred a month and she could ill afford it. Trying to discuss it with her led into us not speaking in over 2 months as she insisted she knew exactly how to handle her money. Well, she didn't and never was able to even when she was young...owed thousands!!!

Anyway, to try and make this a shorter story, I took over paying her bills two years ago and brother is POA and she is running short on funds. If it comes down to it, she will be in a Medicaid run facillity.

Whatever you can do to stop this spending before it gets worse, just do it........

Boy of boy. This is how I found out how bad my mother's dementia was. She would get about 40 to 60 pieces of junk mail a day and would send multiple checks to everyone and anyone. She was very proud of the fact, that she could pay her bills. She could no longer distinguish what was a bill or not. If there was an amount due, she would pay it. Myself and others talked to her until we were blue in the face, but it did no good. The logic and reasoning in her brain didn't work anymore.

Does your dad have dementia? Do you have POA?

I got a PO Box. I explained the situation to the local post office and they worked with me. When the mail stopped coming, she freaked out, because it became her job. Every day, she would look forward to the mailman coming and she would go through her mail for hours. It was like an addiction. She also started to hide the mail from me.

Also I talked to the local bank manager and they were very concerned about mom, she had multiple issued with overdrawing etc. If you have POA - you may want to get access to dad's accounts.

Anything that had a return prepaid envelope, I would send back stating that she wasn't contributing. It actually took about 1 year for the junk to stop.

Oh, Jude a/k/a Phoenix Daughter had an excellent way of dealing with phone calls solicitations. She gave the phone to her mother, who has some level of dementia if I recall correctly. The repetitive and roundabout, circuitous responses was very discouraging even to aggressive callers and they hung up.

So I tried that; it's a fun way to annoy telemarketers.

DCMom, thanks for those links. I just checked them out and will try them to see what I can get deleted; my father gets a handful of junk mail on a regular basis. I intercept it when I go out, but on the days I don't visit, all the junk mail manages to get inside the house and sometimes gets responses.

Once he agreed and I wrote letters which he returned, advising that he has no money. Still, like certain undesirable insects, they kept coming.

On the second link you posted, there's a blurb about the Dept. of Motor Vehicles and limitations on information it releases. It's slightly inaccurate, at least for Michigan, which releases voter information to political parties. It doesn't release actual voter preferences, but does release information on who voted and when.

One of the solicitations I got from the Democratic Party provided a list of my neighbors who voted and those who didn't! I was so furious, but calling did absolutely nothing b/c according to the person with whom I spoke, they're required by law to release the names of people who voted and who didn't. Likely some politician(s) made sure they could get access to this voter information.

So from then on, when I got more solicitations, I contacted the candidate (if I could locate him/her - most of the individuals didn't even post phone numbers) and told them they would lose my vote b/c of the harassment. And I didn't vote for them!

Once I spent quite a bit of time collecting so-called charities' e-mails and sent e-mails to a few dozen of them. A few stopped, but most of them just ignored the e-mails.

I'm trying something different now; I'm going to call them and ask them how much money they can send me or what they can do for me, and pretend that I thought that's why they're sending me solicitations.

If they try, as did Doctors w/o Borders, to override my demand for no more solicitations, I'm going to start railing on how poor I am and keep telling them I thought they wanted to give ME money. And I'll keep calling, moving up the chain of command until I annoy some exec. who might just get the message and take my name off their lists.

These charities call me; I tell them they're not getting squat, and hang up. Simple as that. And if they come knocking on my door, I tell them to get their nicklesick bones out of here

Same thing here. Got a PO Box and it filled within 3 days with junk charities. The PO told me to go to www.dmachoice.org and it should stop some of the junk mailers and charitiy mailers.

If you are in USA you can go to
https://dmachoice.thedma.org
to opt out of all these junk mailings. You can also go to https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0262-stopping-unsolicited-mail-phone-calls-and-email
To get info on how to opt out of other kinds of communication. I've done this for myself as well and really get very few mailings. When I do, I call the organization and tell them to take my name off their list, which they are required by law to comply. Hope this is helpful.

Mother was put on a "cash only" basis many years ago when dad was alive and he was aware she was sneaking money to my oldest brother on the sly. Made dad furious. He made her then account to him every cent she spent, after 50 years of her running the household accounts! But it did make her stop and think: "I only have X amount for groceries and if I give "C" $200 I won't have any grocery money at all!" She still slipped him a few bucks every time she saw him, but after he realized his cash cow had stopped giving, he stopped coming around.
She still pays the major bills with a check, but my POA brother gets a cc of her bank acct each month. She can buy what she wants, but on a limited income and with many, many meds that require huge co-pays..she's limited.
She gets a ton of mail everyday. Used to get tons of calls, too. Some years ago I showed this trick: You ask the caller of the charity to tell you what percentage of what they raise goes to the actual charity. (By law, they HAVE to disclose this.) Then I ask for a printed invoice of their contracts. By then they have usually lost interest in you.....but that also makes sure they likely won't call again. AND many charities actually end up giving ZERO of what they raise, since the workers are paid FIRST.
Mother recently got a cell phone which she doesn't know how to use at all, so the scammers quit calling her. We can't get to mail before she does, she greets her mailman with a handful of "Hershey's Kisses" each day. She does get a TON of stuff begging for money in the mail, but luckily, I was able to explain to her that they were no better than telemarketers and to choose where to spend her "charitable" funds. I also have been known to toss her "begging for money" mail in the recycle bin before she sees it. About all we can do--everyone has to figure out this on their own, what works with their folks.

Trying to step in to protect your parents' finances is sure to start a battle, but it's a battle worth fighting. I'm speaking from experience. I won the war too late to protect his life-savings (it's all gone), but at least he's not racking up massive credit card fees and overdraft fees every month. I initially used a wonderful 'credit card' called True Link, so he could still tap the ATM and use it as a charge card. We could block any retailer (or in your case charity) so that the card wouldn't work. You can block individuals or categories. You can block online purchases, too. You set up transfers to the card so there's only the amount of money on it that you're budgeting.

Eventually though, it became apparent that he really couldn't understand anything about budgeting, so we started just giving him cash several times a week. That's worked very well. It was a long, miserable fight though.

Oh God, I know this one all too well! I told her when she retired she could not afford to keep giving to all these charities. They get your name and when you contribute, they SELL your name to other charities hence why you get every charity known to man sending you stuff. Mom is such a softy but I gently told her she was now on a fixed income and could not afford it. Yes I have POA over everything and so I called or e-mailed the charities ome by one telling them mu Mom was no longer able to afford giving them anymore money and her mental capacities were hindered. That worked for most of em, now if I get anymore I just put them in the trash. I also warned her there was a lot of scammers who call and target the elderly and to not answer the phone unless she knew who was calling her (caller ID) so that scared her against answering strange callers. Last but not least, I took her credit cards, check book so she could no longer have the ability to even call KQED and pledge her little heart away. I also have a brother who kept extorting money from her everytime he showed up so another reason I took her cards and check book away. I make sure she has all she needs but people can be suckers for anyone who gives them a sob story and get these sweet elderly folks to open up their wallets. You gotta take charge, and hope you have POA so legally you can make the judgement call if you feel they are not mentally able to make the smart financial decisions on their own. As a side note, when I was on the phone with one of the charities, I asked if they sold their clients names to other charities and she said "YES!" They are shameless.

I have posted this before on a different stream. This is what has worked for us. My 84 year old husband has Vascular Dementia, diagnosed May 2015.
He routinely brings in the mail. So beating him to the mailbox is not part of the solution. He usually listens to me when I tell him those are SCAM letters, and need to go into the trash.
Now for the phone calls:
We both have android cell phones. I took our phones to the shop and asked a tech person to do this:
The only time his phone RINGS is when me, my children or his children initiate a phone call. All other phone calls he get are silent, do not even vibrate the phone. He keeps his phone in its holster on his belt. Thank God.
Every evening I check his phone and delete all the SPAM calls he received. Sometimes there are as many as SIX. If I have time, I put those numbers on a reject list.
So far this has worked. So far.
Oh, and also, as he is still able to drive, but SHOULD NOT, (he gets lost) and sometimes gets into his pickup truck and leaves without telling me, I am able to track him with a gps device on his phone. I have had to go find him before 2 towns away. As long as his phone is charged up, and he is wearing it, I can keep up with him. He is VERY physically fit. He walks 2 to 3 miles a day, up and down hills. I am 74 and can barely keep up with him.

I get Mom's ail for her. What I do is take the charity letters, open them up for mailing stickers, a nickel or dime pasted inside, calendars, note pads, she even got a pair of socks asking for donations. I feel bad these charities are sending money and merchandise and have a cost for postage but I do not believe in wasting anything. Mother liked the attention she got from these charities. We have fun with the presents. Mom gave enough over the years. She now has to take care of herself. I get her mail for her and we keep the good stuff, say a prayer for the people and animals these agencies help period. She missed sending them money at first but now doesn't even ask. The requests for donations has dwindled. She no longer keeps her check book. Good luck.

Does your father have dementia? If not, then he can distribute his money the way he wants.

...s15B3h3.... I totally dig what you did that's an awesome response to that issue funny but yet very effective I love it

Charities ....i've seen charities give only one fourth or even one eighth of what they receive to an actual cause....every time one of them calls me I asked them are you getting paid an hourly wage… They always say yes… I say what and when would my money kitchen to giving to the suppose "need...after I pay yours and how many others salaries… Or vacation homes or sports cars… Anyway it's already been said if your father has not been deemed incompetent there's not much you can do about him spending his money… So you need to work on reducing the amount of hands reachin into his wallet. And unlike someone else on here I would never spend any time writing a wonderful letter… I would actually threaten them with harassment. You can do that with ought being poa. And are you his poa?? ... another thing that's on my mind… All these questions pop up and the poster rarely gets back to indulge more information, for instance are you your father's POA? Has he been deemed incompetent? I mean those are very typical facts that should be placed within your own question … So I wonder if many of these questions aren't baited by the site.