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I "live with" my father. Not because I financially need to, but because I promised my dying mother I would "look out for him" because she said, "he cries to me Angela, he's forgetting big things and is scared he's going to be like his mother. Promise me you'll look out for him" so that he maintained his pride and I was able to keep a promise I made, I asked him if I could move in with him for "help". Maybe that was a mistake, I don't know. He is pretty much self-sufficient, he drives, he pays his bills etc. But if I don't "stay on top" of him, he won't take his medication or he gets confused and doesn't take it correctly, he won't go to the doctor when he has symptoms of something, he won't eat right, he isolates himself and will drink alcohol. I know he is forgetting much more than he tells me, but I've harassed him to the doctors office, we have had every medical testing done that can be (no brain lesions, no nothing) and there is no physical evidence of dementia. He is super ultra critical, of EVERYTHING I do, I walk into a room and he immediately starts scowling ( no exaggerating here), he is obsessive compulsive about cleaning, I can't even leave a deodorant out on the counter in the bathroom! He makes comments about "when are you moving out" - constantly. He HOUNDS me to the point that I've pretty much thrown all of my possessions away because "you live like a pig" ( in his room is a bed a dresser and a table with a clock that's it.) He has NO hobbies, no enjoyments, he collects nothing and that's how he EXPECTS me to be also. He habitually goes through my bedroom, my drawers, my paperwork, even my car, my trunk and my glove box! I give him $300. every two weeks for "rent" plus I purchase food, laundry soap etc so I'm not just "living off him" like my sister believes. I feel like he wants me to disappear, as a human being. My bedroom used to be my "solace". The one place I could get away from him and relax, be happy and now he's taken that from me too. When I moved in with him, I went out of my way to make sure I didn't "invade" his house. I didn't change things, I didn't move things and made sure all my things were in storage or in my room. He relentlessly hounded me about my room and my things in it and he finally got in my room by claiming that it needed painted and the carpet changed. So now my room is pretty much bare of anything except a bed and a dresser. Financially, I can leave and trust me I want to (he isn't passive about wanting me out either) but I know what will happen when I do and I'm in a moral dilemma. I miss my things, I miss my furniture, I miss my fish, I miss my "home", I miss having a home, I feel displaced, out of place, unwanted and abused. I'm tired. My sister is his emergency contact, even though I live with him, my sister is on his bank accounts, my sister is on his will and she has told me, mincing no words, when he dies shes throwing me out to sell the house and pay his bills off because "she's not being responsible for him". She has told me he will never live with her and she will put him in a nursing home. She lives 2 hours away and is pretty much non-existent in all this. I am depressed and to add fuel to the flame my 17 year old daughter also lives here and has to endure his endless maliciousness and anger. We can't "hide" enough for him, we leave no possessions out, only our shoes in the front hallway and he complains about those. I know if I leave I wont want to come back, I won't want to visit or check on him or anything - the wounds he's leaving are deep and gushing. I don't know what to do.

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Get out and do it as soon as you can. You have fulfilled your promise to take care of him, but that does not include the emotional abuse. Get out for your daughter's sake if not for your own. Your sister will not take him in out of good sense, because she already knows what he is like. He should not be driving. He is angry because he knows his mother had dementia and he cannot avoid having it too. If the doctors ran a complete neuro-psych exam and found nothing wrong, your father is still well enough to hide his symptoms. He will continue to live in denial as long as you enable him to do so. Save yourself and save your daughter and GET OUT OF DODGE!
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I realize it's easy to be told to leave. But I understand the fear you have. Letting your Mother down, she confided a secret to you and asked for your help. You see his short comings and you want to help. Okay, this is it.......In every family there is a care giver, sometimes it's the oldest, youngest, middle, son or daughter...the list goes on. It's a job we take on ourselves. Almost instinctually. It's funny how everyone is willing to let us take on that role. Very rarely is there immediate "compensation" from others, but that's not really why we do it. You need to go against instinct and put yourself first. You sound like you can afford to move out so gooooooo! If you can't do it for yourself .... Your daughter might not be telling you the truth (or maybe she does) about how she feels about the abuse. It's time to turn your caregiving towards your daughter and teach her that nobody deserves abuse. You need to teach her how to pick out an emotionally solid significant other or how to independently live away from abuse. Change is good.
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I agree with the previous writer - GET OUT of the house and get a safe place to retreat to. You can still have contact and check up on him if you want to. You have done your best to fulfill your Mom's wishes. Don't know if having a senior care manager call on him would help, but they might have some suggestions for you and your sister on how to deal with the situation. Ultimately you may just have to opt for making things as good as you can for your daughter and yourself. Give the problem to God - he really will see you through - sometimes in ways you never would have imagined, but when you look back you WILL see those footprints in the sand!
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First, get out. Second, report to dmv. Third, understand that your dad is mentally ill and probably has dementia and incompetent docs. Have someoneelse get him to a geriatric psychiatrist. But first GET OUT.
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Leave.
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Please leave as soon as possible. You made a promise to your mother, and you have fulfilled your promise. She chose your father as her husband. You did not choose him as a father. Having lived with him, you have been subjected to abuse on a daily basis. Is this the example you want to set for your daughter that it is OK to allow a man to abuse you? She is at a very vulnerable and impressionable age. What she needs is a mother who is a whole person, not a victim of abuse. What she needs is a strong mother who exudes self-respect and independence. Currently, you are imprisoned, but you can set yourself free. If you cannot do this for yourself, do it for your daughter. You both deserve love, compassion and comfort in your daily lives. Your sister has told you she will sell the house from under you, and you will have to move, quickly and under stressful circumstances. So, please move out now! Once you move out, contact Elder Care and social services in your area. Contact your local senior center. Talk to your father's doctor. You can try to provide services for your dad, but at a distance. You say if you move out, you would be reluctant to ever return. Your father is who he is, an angry, bitter and totally unimaginative human being. You have already done enough for him. Now, it is time for you to have the self-esteem and self-respect to make different choices for yourself and your daughter. I am a long-experienced caretaker, so I feel free to say, love yourself and start taking care of yourself. Your deserve it! Best of luck to you.
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I've experience the same treatment from my father. I sold my home, that I loved,
and moved in with him when my mother died. He cried and didn't want to be alone. I regret it and learned quickly what my future would be. I should have known better because he has always been a controlling man to everyone. He wore my kind, loving mother down. She was upset by him every day. I've replaced my mother and he does the same thing to me. He is 98 years old and has been diagnosed with dementia and anger issues. I could go on and on with what I've endured with the insults and threats and always being told "it's his house and get outl". He can't be left alone and needs care.
I have to have a hip replacement in Mar. Like others, my only sibling a brother, does absolutely nothing and doesn't want to hear about anything. I'm looking into placing him in a rehab/ nursing facility when I have surgery and then rehab. I called his insurance company and they don't cover a situtation like this for any kind of respite, temporay care. I'm told that it will cost over $350 per day. He has adult grand children, all working, and a couple of close friends. No one has offered to take him or come to the house to be with him. I have POA and will probably end up paying out of his pocket for the care. Then there's his anti-social cat that he won't part with. It hides under furniture and only comes out when hungry. He keeps the litter box in a small bathroom that always has an odor. He swears he cleans it every day but I know he doesn't. With my hip causing me discomfort I can't take on another job of cleaning up after the cat. I'm sorry for your similar problems with your father.
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Your first responsibility is to your daughter. You owe her as safe and happy life as you are able to provide. She is not getting that living in your father's home. I doubt that your mother would want you to expose your daughter or yourself, for that matter, to your father's continued control and abuse. Call your sister, tell her you're leaving and give her the exact date of your departure. On that date, walk out the door with your daughter and don't look back. Keep your daughter's welfare first and foremost in your mind. She is your priority, both morally and ethically. No need for guilt over your father. You are fulfilling your responsibility as a mother.
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psteigman and others are right. Time to get out. The reason for the verbal/emotional abuse doesn't matter at this point; a clue is that your mother indicated he was "scared" he was destined for dementia. Fear of that eventuality, loss of control over his life, others seeing his decline, all create the strangest behavior in our elders not to mention the gaps in their brains and behaviors that dementia causes. I have long been on the receiving end with my mother of much of what you describe. My latest revelation is to let the chips fall where they may when I'm not around, to take care of her as best I can without losing my own health or sanity or self, and to feel no guilt about protecting those and in your case, your daughter. You have honored the promise to your mother. She did not ask you to sacrifice your own life, just to look after him. It appears that may now have to be done from a distance, the measure of which you choose. Easy to say, tough to do. Create boundaries NOW, if not for your sake, then for your daughter's until you can see their importance for yourself. Changes in his life will come but I promise you will never be able to predict or control them. Love yourself, love your daughter. Your sister is responsible for her own decisions. We hear your call in crisis and understand. Please don't subject yourself to his unhappiness and fear any longer! Hugs.
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Leave as soon as you can, don't look back, know that you have given your best efforts to an ungrateful, hateful father, and do not subject your daughter to this abusive situation ANY LONGER! No one said you had to take this abuse, and your mother might have, but YOU do not. Leave! Live your life! Enjoy freedom!
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