My mother needs 24/7 care. She cannot transfer or walk or even shower/restroom etc without assistance. My dad has been her caretaker for years, and I'd help when I could, taking over one day a week or more. This of course essentially halted our lives. There was discussion of placing her at some point, it was getting to a point where home was not safe anymore.
Recently my dad broke his arm and the process had to be sped up considerably. She's in a rehab/nursing home now and in rehab with the understanding that she'd be moved to LTC when she's met her goals and is no longer improving. She IS improving, but not to a point where she can be left alone.
When this happened, we were all on the same page, or so I thought. But recently my dad has been talking about bringing her home when he's healed, and Mom has been talking about it too. I keep trying to tell them that she can go home when and if she's able to care for herself for the most part. They don't seem to listen - my dad's health isn't great either, and it may not be long before he needs care too.
I feel frustrated and scared - all the work I did to make this happen quickly seems to be gone, and it's like we're at square 1- although we've discussed this before. I feel so guilty and selfish that I was relieved that I was able to get my weekends back, and see friends and travel, and finally live. The fact that it may be taken away again is crushing - and I feel horrible.
In your experience, what is the best way to discuss this with them again? Is this normal? What if she does go home and it starts all over? I'm so new to this...
Best of luck.
Your Mom's care is NOT your responsibility. It is 100% Dad's responsibility.
You've had a taste of what it takes, and must make it very clear if Dad wants to bring her home, you will not be available as you were before.
Dad cannot expect you to prop them both up, like he hopes. It is not wise to take Mom from her team of professionals, to come back home and not be safe.
Make sure Dad understands he has to hire and pay professional caregivers, since you are not one yourself.
You didn't cause them to age and have health issues, it's not your fault. Don't feel guilty. Stay strong and don't cave in.
Listen to the excellent advice given!
Talk with your dad privately. Tell him you know he cares about your mom, and make the point that she needs the best of care from skilled, trained professionals.
Whatever he decides, stick to your plans. In fact, start lining them up now. Book a trip, or more than one. Contact your friends and set up weekend lunches or dinners or whatever activities you do together for the next month. Buy tickets to movies or museums or shows or whatever you've been looking forward to. Then when your dad asks for your help, you can honestly say that you're sorry but you just have an hour to say hello, maybe drop off a take-out meal, and then go on your way.
This is not negligent. Your dad needs to see the reality that he can't continue to do this on his own.
She was dead set on the fact that once she completed her rehab she would be able to be left alone. She was adamant about it. And never could ever wrap her head around the fact that the two were not mutually exclusive.
I swear I think the older we get the more stubborn we get - and sometimes it is because we genuinely don't understand and sometimes because we willfully misunderstand or refuse to understand.
The hard part of that right now you have two competent adults who want her home. It limits your options. You can't really refuse to let her come home if dad is willing to take care of her. But what YOU can do is step out of it and let them see how much they rely on your help. At least that would help them understand the realities.
Why on earth should you feel guilty and selfish that you wanted mom placed? Why would you willingly want to commit yourself to a life of endless caregiving and forfeit YOUR life in the process? "Selfish" does not only have a negative connotation to it. Selfish means you care enough about the precious life God gave you to want to enjoy it! When the statistics tell you 40% of caregivers die before the patient, that should tell you WHY caregiving single handedly is a bad idea. It erodes the soul in addition to shortening your own life.
Tell dad what you need to tell him, I love you both but I cannot do the caregiving anymore. Period. Dad, you'll have to hire aides at $25 per hour to do it instead, because I'm exhausted and burned out. I didn't realize just how badly until mom was placed. I cannot and will not put myself back in that position again. Think long and hard before you make any decisions here, knowing the costs to YOU that will ensue, both physically, emotionally and financially.
Best of luck to you.
I will visit and be your loving daughter but, I will no longer prop up your illusions of independent lives. If you are truly independent you don't need me anyways.
I truly hope your choices are made with this fact in mind.
I love you both but I am done giving up my life for yours.
You matter too! Don't cave to their unreasonable expectations of you.