Parents in same house 50+ years, not interested in exploring other housing options now, both 83, ok health, mom doesn't drive. Need advice.

Oh Logan; I feel for you!

So many of us here have been in your shoes. I assume that you've explained to mom and dad (who probably have some cognitive issues going on?) that doing this in an emergency situation is going to cost you a great deal in terms of inconvenience, money and possibly career choices?

Has their doctor told the that it's time to move someplace more manageable? Have you looked into a service (a geriatric care manager) who can help them manage a purge of their "stuff". Most seniors are overwhelmed by the very thought of moving.

Have you used any therapeutic fibs, such as "if you don't help us decide, the state will decide for you and take your money"?

Recently, my ex has been through this with his mom; it took her more than a year, but after 3 surgeries in the last 6 months and having three out of 4 of her sons diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer, something finally clicked and she's going to AL. She's not happy, but she's going. Talking about your own health challenges (and that of your spouse) may get you some traction.

Another thing; YOU go and look at both ALs and NHs, so that when the time comes, you'll know what choices are acceptable.

So sorry you're in this predicament. I went through the same with my parents and then they were eventually convinced in their 80s to downsize to a 2 bed apartment in their town. And they had to have a storage unit because they couldn't part with all their belongings. But getting them to organise themselves and downsize further was impossible. It was eventually forced as a result of losing their driving privileges.

At 83 and in OK health and living in a ranch style home I just don't see your rush to get this done. You didn't mention any dementia either so basically they are doing fine, just getting old. Yes, eventually they will probably need to downsize and move but you seem to have some time before this needs to happen.

Since they won't work on a Plan B you need to. 1) I would start with knowing what retirement apartments/ assisted living are available in the area and visiting them- not with your parents but by yourself. Find out about waiting lists, financial arrangements, what's actually provided etc. Just tuck all this info into your own file. 2) Then start by helping your mother clean out some of the spare bedroom closets and drawers, or the linen closet, small things. Don't act like it is in anticipation of a move but more a Marie Kondo exercise - like do you still have a twin bed that needs these twin bed sheets. This won't be stuff that they are using or really attached to but it does get a lot of the general stuff cleaned out so that when there is a move that's one less clean-out. It may also help your mom see that there really is more house and stuff that she needs or wants to deal with. Yes, when the actual move happens it will be a nightmare if it comes now or later but if she sees how little she actually uses on a routine basis she'll be more likely to realize she won't need to take everything when she moves to a smaller place. 3) Make certain all the paperwork is in place for Power of Attorney, etc. and get a good handle on their finances so you know what you have to work with when the time comes. Making the move too early could mean the money runs out too soon.

My dad was going strong at 83 and enjoying his home and not ready to move. He did move to assisted living at age 95, he probably should have moved about age 90 or 92. And no, he didn't move willingly, but I was prepared to just swoop in and get it done and you will be too.

I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate here. I have 2 children who I am sure think my disabled and bedridden husband should immediately be placed in a nursing home and that I should move into an apartment. On some level, I’m sure they’re right. However, in my favor, I ask nothing of them. My son says he will help, but doesn’t really deliver very often and my daughter is busy with her career and family.

I know that when “things” happen it will be a big inconvenience for you and your sibs and your busy lives. So, take a leave of absence. Please don’t descend on your parents en masse and insist that they leave their long-time home for some cookie cutter apartment or condo. I can almost guarantee they’ll be miserable. Make plans behind the scenes. Plan for the inevitable and organize your own lives so that if there is an emergency, it won’t be such a traumatic event for you all. Kindly and gently suggest that they “rehome” things they don’t use. Gift Dad with a landscaping service so he can stop cutting grass if he still does. Offer a grocery delivery service for Mom if she’d like. Think about things that would make their lives easier without insisting they move.

I know you’re going to write that I don’t understand your situation and I admit that I probably don’t. But I understand how I’d feel if my kids were “on” me about giving up my home. I went through emergency placement and clearing out my mom’s home 3 years ago and I know it wasn’t fun. But I’m glad I didn’t force her into a facility until there was absolutely no other option.

I am almost 70. I will have been in this 4 bedroom split level for 38 years. I have cleaned out a lot of the odd stuff. You know that flea market stuff you pick up. Things the girls left behind. But, I have 8 rooms full of stuff. And when I think of downsizing to a 2 bedroom apart, its overwhelming. Just think about how it must feel to an 80+year old.

If your parents are doing OK and in a rancher, don't push it now. But maybe all the kids can sit down with Mom and Dad and calmly discuss the future. Do they have POAs in place? Is their will up to date? Are there things they would like to make sure people get when they pass. If so a codicil can be made to the will. Then suggest they start to downsize. Getting rid of things they never use. Like that wedding china that no one is going to want. That junk in the garage that Dad was keeping just in case it could be fixed.

My Mom owned a big old Farm house. It had a huge attic. We cleaned that out. She never went up there again but used an extra bedroom for storage. (My sister had died and she had brought some of her stuff to her house) I sat her down in a chair. Had two piles. The things she needed and the things to throw out or give away. Went very fast.

Then put a little seed in their heads. There are independent livings. They would have their own apart. but take meals in the dining room. Activities, outings and transportation if they didn't feel like driving. They could keep a lot of their belongings. No mowing the lawn, no upkeep on the house. Just pay rent and utilities and enjoy.

Rather we like it or not sometimes we have to make the decision for our parents. You have to stand strong in the knowledge you are doing the best for them. A injury a life lost because of not making that decision for them is not worth it. Yes they will be pissed at you for a while but once settled in a proper placement they will be happy knowing care needed is there always.. God loves you and is watching out for you. You have this..

Moving my father from a one bedroom apartment to assisted living was a nightmare. And he lived within 20 miles of me. I cannot imagine what kind of mess you will have with an entire house and the fact that you live far away. While I agree that if they are able let them stay in their own home for now but they need to start decluttering. Maybe they would be willing to give things away now that they planned on leaving to someone. Start small with just cleaning out closets or getting rid of stuff you have kept but not touch in 20 years. Treat it like a trip down memory lane.

My brother in law lives 2 hours away and is in his 80s. I worry what it will be like when he either passes or needs to go to a care facility. At least my husband will finally be retired and able to deal with it but I am only 52 and have to work. Someone up thread mentioned a leave of absence. That is just not possible for some of us. My husband will have to do this mostly alone and I can see that not working as he can't make the simplest decisions without asking for my input.

Logan, much empathy and support for you!

My mother, 91 and fragile, refuses to leave the house where she has lived since 1960. Two stories, basement laundry, huge yard, Snow Belt location more than 500 miles from any relation.
Any suggestion of any modification to the house, never mind a relocation (either closer to a daughter or into an IL or AL facility) elicits a literal tantrum. While the volatility of her response may be exacerbated by age, it is her lifelong usual MO.
After several years of being the Evil Daughter Who Wants to Rip Her Out of Her Home, not to mention getting my head bitten off, I have given up. My only words on the subject now: “You can either have a plan or you will have an emergency.”

She seems to want an emergency. That would create a fuss & stir,
make her the subject of handwringing and the center of attention, and absolve her of all the work of moving — PLUS ensure that, because she would not participate in decisions, she would be positioned to complain about decisions that were made for her (not many nuanced options when an emergency strikes). Does this sound bitter? It’s not — she has a pretty strong streak of narcissism. I finally came to understand that there is nothing about a sensible, low-drama resituation that would appeal to her. Of course, what she says is,
”Maybe God will be good to me, and take me in my sleep.”

I am the only daughter in the Western hemisphere, employed in a field where there are no leaves of absence. When,
inevitably, the big emergency comes, it very well may not be possible to get to her. I may need to make decisions long-distance, as the demands of my work permit. She simply does not accept this reality. But I live with that reality every day, and it is a HEAVY psychological burden. If I loved her less, it would be an easier stress to bear.

Please know that there are many, many folks with similar stories & anxieties, and that this community of supportive empathy — including strangers like me — surrounds you with positive thoughts and wishes you strength and peace.

My in laws moved from NJ to Fla in 1989. FIL had just gone thru Chemo for lung cancer, my MIL, heart valve surgery. But she wanted to move to Fla near her sister and his brother. Three years later, my FIL passed due to the cancer coming back. She wanted to stay down there, now 70. Twenty years later she is 90. BIL asks her to move to independent living near him in GA. No, she was staying in her house. Once my husband was retired, it was "move down here". No, I have children and grands up her. Plus, no one to care for Mom when she needs it. Eventually, she suffered aa bad UTI that landed her in rehab which she would not participate in. She was told she could not now live alone and none of her sons could move in with her. She would need to go to a rehab where the closest son lived, in GA. Oh no she wasn't. At almost 92 she willed herself to die. My husband still misses her, but he feels she went out the way she wanted.

There is a couple in Church that she passed in her 90s and he is 100 now. I think he maybe declining a little but he still lives in his own house. He is lucky that his daughter is next door. We have a former police officer that is 101 and living in his home. But he does have a son and DIL who check on him daily.

People can be independent in their 80s and 90s. I would just dropbthe subject for now. At least they are in a rancher. I would, though, look and see what safety measures can be done. Like bars in the bathroom. If they have a cellar, make sure there is nothing down there they need. Some of the early homes chose to put washers and dryers in the basement. Not good for elderly. If this is them, see if there is someplace they can be moved upstairs. Maybe a closet that can hold stackables.

My Aunt has RA problems so it was getting hard to get things she needed out of the cabinets. She had a tall cabinet that was used for a pantry so she moved the stuff she used daily there. My GF was in a wheelchair so had her top cabinet stuff, put in the bottom ones.

Mom should not have to stand on a stool to get things. So just look around and see how u can make it safe for them.

I would say that there is zero you can do about this. You are either a downsizer or you are not. My brother and I were raised by parents that downsized and moved to "make ourselves safe and you kids not having to handle it all when we go". So we follow how we were raised. Bro at 85 downsized to a small historic old trailer in a historic park, organizing everything picture perfect and now in assisted living with me as his POA. Made easy for me in every way. I at 76 have downsized everything enormously and left detailed instructions, putting everything in order. In fact I have a booklet for my executor describing everything, where to call, what to do, and it is called "I have put my house in order". ALL THAT SAID I have a friend much more disabled, crippled really, with a ton of animals and a house chock FULL of stuff, another house her Mom left her with a rental on property, and she will not let go of a thing. As you can see, we are both of sound mind (somewhat, anyway, hee hee) and are living our lives differently. Yes, you will have to go, as executor to take care of everything. Best you can do now is try to know what the finances are because soon things will be out of Mom and Dad's hands due to aging changes. You will need to act for them while living and when dead. Everyone thinks that because we are "all grown up" we feel competent to do this, and we DO NOT. I will only tell you that things DO get done, a day at a time, that you can hire people to help, and get advice when the time comes. Meanwhile try not to torment yourself before those TIMES do come. Remember that old Shakespeare things about the coward dying many deaths; because the truth is that the worry is the worst of it. Once it happens you kind of sink in your teeth and hold on day by day. Try to enjoy the problem free time while you can. My heart goes out to you.

Very common situation. At their age, it is probably a lot more than being lazy that is keeping them from moving on. Finding a place to live and clearing out your current house, etc. is a LOT of work at any age, never mind at 83! So that is probably where a of the resistance could be coming from.

I think it might, unfortunately, be on your shoulders to come up with solutions to the roadblocks. Who can help them clear out the house? Likely, they don't have the energy to do it themselves. The bedroom furniture - who will sell what they have now and get a nice set for the smaller place? Too many moving parts for many elderly to deal with.

If you really want this to happen sooner rather than later, it's going to be a lot of work.

And if your parents are still "with it", you can't force them to do anything. If they were unsafe, you would have more ammunition to get things done. Otherwise, you can just plant seeds and offer solutions and see how it goes.

Good luck.

When we think of letting go of the trappings of a life time it's an emotional minefield. For you, it's a simple matter of them choosing to downsize so that your life can be easier later on. It's logical but logic has no strength against feelings.

For them, it's likely feeling more like THE END to their life. Besides being physically painful work it's likely also a reminder that the life they have spent a life-time building is now gone, forever. In general I find adults at this point often feel that there's nothing left to do but die.

It's my opinion that they need something to look forward to, something to remind them that they're still alive and new adventures are ahead. They need to feel that getting rid of the stuff will set them free for the next step in their adventures. Without hope, without distraction, without a reason for moving on. Without those... maybe the abyss they're looking in to is just too much for them to face with right now?

I'm in process of getting rid of the trappings of my life in order to spend a few years traveling before I get down to the business of dying. Which for me is the final adventure. Each box I haul to the curb, take to the donation drop off or sell in a yard sale is another nail in the coffin of what was once my life. I don't want to leave this to my kids to do, but I understand the reason so many others may want to avoid the inevitable pain all these dusty corners stirs up. I'm not even the personality type that attaches to things, yet, the memories can be painful when jostled. Good luck, I know that what's ahead for you is a huge transition. I hope you find a way to make it feel more like an adventure and less like a dream-funeral.

I'm thinking we wear the same shoes......I honestly hate to say this, but give it awhile because it will probably get worse. At you parents age, mine were going to estate sales to add big pieces of furniture to an already cluttered home. And to purchase a piece to replace a piece? God forbid. They now have wall to wall furniture and the battle ensues from there. I was able to thin things out a bit to make it manageable for safety concerns.....but only added those items to an already stuffed to the gills basement and they now have two rooms on the main level that are not even functional. As you, I have been after them since (the oldest and executor) to at least explore other living options. They are now 89 and 90.....and not moving anytime soon or attempting to downsize possessions. I feel your pain, and I fear we will be left floundering because we all know at this age health issues only decline. Mom tells me when we approach this subject is much the same...."when I get a chance"...... I'll start soon"or "you don't want me to have anything nice"....... are her usual responses. It's been five years. My hope for you is that your parents see the light and will understand that their decision to remain in place seriously impacts the lives and concerns of their children. And let's face it....far easier to move while they have one another than to wait until the adjustment has to be made solo.

"Sorry if this has been posted in the past."

ROFL!

About once a week, I'd say!

But not about your parents, your family and your stress from trying to get a grip on it, I know. It's different every time for every person, and I'm only being flippant because if we didn't laugh we'd burst into tears.

To reduce your stress in the immediate term, assume that your parents are not going to lift a finger, that some crisis will force one or both of them into to move in a hurry, and that you will have a major clearing project on your hands in due course.

Then, any developments that do alleviate the problem will be an agreeable surprise. But even that worst case scenario, even though it isn't what you want to happen, would be survivable. Expensive, wasteful, not the ideal you'd like for your parents, and stressful at the time; but stressful at the time is better than *useless*, unproductive stress for months and years beforehand. Assume that nothing will happen until they encounter their force majeure, and then at least for the time being you can relax and let them be.

Does any child of your parents live closer to them and have more time available? Has anyone been appointed their health proxy, or been given a specific health POA?

There is also the frustration that your parents, as you say, don't seem to understand that their lack of planning will become your emergency, to borrow from the epigram. Don't understand? It's more complicated than that. The effort involved in their making and executing a sensible plan looks, to them, enormous. The consequences of not doing so are distant elephants. I don't want to say they don't care - they care - but compared to the daunting prospect of moving, to a place they'll at best have mixed feelings about; they don't care nearly as much as they don't want to do all that.

Tactics that have been known to work, ever:

Choice. Choose now, walk in, and enjoy a new phase of life; or wait, get wheeled into the nearest place where they know nobody, and have to start again when ill, bereaved or both.

Pull rather than push. This takes research - find a facility or community that is so perfect they really can see themselves living there. Just narrowing my eyes at the "too expensive" one they rejected: was it? Terribly expensive? Or was that only an excuse, do you think?

Good examples. Do they have any peers who have successfully made the leap and are now having a nice time? Visits to such people might yield results, you never know.

The purging you are going to have to do, come what may. WHEN (let's be optimistic) your parents do move, you take pictures of the new place and populate it with selected possessions. That way, the focus is on what they're taking (exciting) and not what they have to leave behind (depressing at best, and can be a deal-breaker). This gives you time to move in after, with all family hands to the pumps or professional services.

Just a thought. Find what resources are available where they live. Office of Aging may have a booklet of services. One would be a Senior Bus they want to take advantage of. Medicaid has services but you need to be low income. It would be helpful for you and siblings to know what is available too.

Seems their plan is to ride out the rest of their lives and let the kids handle it when they're gone.

I have no real answers as to why some elderly parents have this mindset. Some genuinely don't accept their age and that they likely won't be around in 10-20 years at the most. It's a depressing thought for sure, so can't entirely blame them. My mother is 77 and insists "that isn't close to 80" and that she has all the time in the world to get things together. I do know she's scared of death. She has the notion if she doesn't think about dying or make any plans, then it won't happen.

I think you need to take another approach. Sounds like your parents do not really need to move today but you are right that the time will come eventually. I suggest you talk about the eventually and not the now. When you cannot keep up the house or need help with your daily self care, what do you want to do? Hire in home help? Move to a senior apartment/condo/housing community? Assisted Living? Take about costs and how much of their current stuff they can take with them in the various options. Comparing what it cost to hire yard work and some household cleaning to an AL apartment led one of my mother's friends to make the move to AL. Talk about alterations they can make to the ranch to support living there longer in safety like brighter lights in the hallway, night lights that run on a battery when the power is out, security system with fire alarms and a panic button to summons help, grab bars, etc. One of the "features" my parents liked about ceiling fan light kits was the ability to change the light bulbs with a extender without using a ladder (vs standing on a ladder unscrewing and removing a light cover before accessing the bulbs). Since LEDs have a longer life than traditional bulbs, maybe replacing all the bulbs with LEDs? Motion detector exterior lights? A ramp at one entrance or a vertical grab bar on the door frame since older people sometimes have balance issues well before weakness?

Help with thinning out the plain household stuff that is no longer needed/used. (Are you going to raise a garden and can again? Can we give your canning supplies to the Senior Center to use in their apple butter canning?) Don't go after Mom's wedding china yet unless there is someone who would love to have it. My mother identified very few things she wanted when she moved into my house, a few items of furniture (mostly for her bedroom), her clothes and accessories, a rose bush, a few pictures and prints for her room, and her corner china cupboard with her china and crystal. That china and crystal includes not only gifts from wedding well wishers now long dead but also serving pieces my father gave her over the years as anniversary presents. It also brings back memories of family dinners and of entertaining church circles and ladies groups when the items were used. When the china does go, I suggest you take some pictures, both as normally displayed and a few closeups.

You may find when you suggest and work with your parents to determine and help them achieve their goals, they will have more consideration for your point of view too.

Logan, many of us had to wait for an emergency before we could get our parent(s) to downsize. It's sad we need to have this waiting game as it is extremely stressful for the grown child. Every time the phone rang with my parent's Caller ID, I went into a panic wondering who fell now?

I remember handing my parents a brochure about a wonderful 55+ community that had all the bells and whistles. Next day my Mom said "maybe in a few years". Ah, HELLO, Mom you and Dad are in your 90's. That discussion went no where.

It finally took an emergency when my Mom had a very serious fall and spent her final months in Long Term Care.

Once Mom passed, Dad was ready to pack and move to a senior facility. He rented a lovely apartment using the equity from his house when it was sold. He said too bad my Mom wouldn't move to such a place, she would have still been with him :( Well, my cousins went through the same thing with my Mom's elderly sisters. None of them would budge from their homes, either.

This is how many in their age group roll. They give no thought as to how their decisions affect others, either now or later. My mother is 94 and still lives alone in a home in NC, 13 steps up 13 steps down and 700 miles from me and my brother. She keeps saying "I can't live anywhere cheaper" probably true, I am assuming that she thinks she will live to 110 and will run out of money, what difference does it make..none, it is time to start spending down. She won't budge. We are waiting then we will have to clean up her mess, we just went through this with my step father and his wife, we unloaded their house and put it up for sale..it was a big job, they are now in AL. That attitude gets real old.

Before you judge me too harshly, a little information. I am a senior citizen myself. For over 16 years I have been caring for a husband with dementia, and now my own health is failing rapidly. It's been hard to go through and purge and organize things while caring for him, but I've been working on it. Now that I'm getting sicker, I need to work on it more intensely, but sometimes don't have the energy. Nevertheless, I try to do a little bit every day, and even that little bit does make a difference.
 
I'm not unsympathetic to the parents who don't want to move. I'd really like to keep all my favorite things and live where I want to live. It hurts to give things up. For over a decade and a half I've lived watching my husband lose a little more ground each day. Getting rid of our things feels like dismantling our lives while we're still alive. Did I mention that it hurts? But...
 
At some point someone might need to say to aging parents: "I can't take enough time off from work to do everything that would be needed if there is a crisis. So the options will be that we can call a charitable organization which will clean out your house and take everything off to sell. Or... you can start going through things now, maybe giving things to family or friends if they would like to have them. Let me know what you decide." I don't think that's heartless. It's realistic. What seems heartless and unrealistic is people who refuse to act on their own behalf. I just don't think someone's desire to keep their life just the way they want it entitles them to dump such a huge responsibility on other people. In my own case, I feel that as a grown-up person, it's my responsibility to do as much as I can. Even if it hurts.

Alzspouse, thank you for letting us see from your side of the fence. You do have a lot on your plate with caring for hubby, so I fully understand why downsizing items isn't easy.

Sig other and I [both in our 70's] decided it was time to junk the stuff we had in the basement. If the item hadn't been used within the past 5 years, out it went. I had put signs on the items I wanted removed which made it easier for the junk haulers. Honestly, who is going to watch an old 25" RCA tube TV? Can't donate tube TV's anymore.

Apologies in advance for this downer response, but I went through this with both parents and in-laws. We did everything: frequent visits, organizing specific clean-out projects, researching and visiting different options, you name it. Nothing changed.

As long as they are of sound mind, there's nothing you can make happen. It's more than possible they will die alone at home, and it will then take many days of time away from your responsibilities over potentially elapsed years, plus dollars and dollars and dollars, to clean up what's left behind. It is very sad that whatever motivation they have blinds them to the costs to you, and how those costs may color your memories of them forever.

I work in real estate and see the after-effects often. It's usually an exasperated daughter who is worn out and ready to yard-sale everything. The last one I met was a pilot for Fed Ex who was based out of Hong Kong and had to take time to come back here to our small Florida town to clean out & sell her parent's large lakefront home. Not much you can do until there is a crisis or a death.

Haha, every time my mom is hospitalized (which is often) I go through her closets and pick out a few things to throw out. It's just a drop in the bucket but it makes me feel a little better :D

A lot of the material things that had meaning to our parents won't have meaning to us. I am looking to downsize well before old age.

went thru this basically alone. Unfortunate circumstances helped along. Mom fell at age 87, surgery & rehab for two months. Healthcare facility offered an “almost home” 30 day stay in a small nice assisted living apartment. It’s now been 2 years for her. She loved it at first, now likes it, but wants to stay there. Dad fell in Dec at age 89. Rehab, then assisted living temporarily. He’s used to his own apartment there now and ready to stay. Breaks my heart but it’s best. Yes, I now have to deal with house & belongings, but they’re not hovering over me while I get rid of stuff at my own pace. I regret the cross words we had when I was trying to force them out when they weren’t ready, even though I thought it would have been safer. Leave them alone if they are ok. We all slow down, get forgetful, lose our balance frequently as we age.

You've had lots of advice and here is yet another story which I hope will help you see that it's not so scary and is doable. When my dad who was in his 80's and lived in his city without any of his 4 daughters who all lived in various different states was encouraged to move and live near one of us, he adamantly refused. He said "I will be carried out of here in a box!" Ha! Well fine...we can't force anyone to move if they have all their "marbles". He was quite capable and with it at the time.

There is a lot of comfort in knowing the lay of the land, having friends, doctors etc. Fast forward to when he was 92 and began to issues with memory and executive functions due to several ischemic attacks. He realized he could no longer could live alone. This is often how things change and the moving begins.

He still refused to move near us and wanted to live in a retirement community in his own city. (insert eye roll) So we found one, and began the process. Mind you that I and another sister are joint POA and live the closest so the biggest burden fell on us. We were both retired so that helped too. It can be done and it's possible that by the time they decide then you might be retired to.
Steps:
First visit:
1. contacted a senior move company who specializes in downsizing and moving seniors. Signed contract. They were invaluable at helping us not have as much stress. Choosing what would fit, what they wanted to take and boxing it all up the morning of the move; unpacking it the same day and hanging all pics etc. and it was DONE! Ready to be lived in.
2. contacted a real estate agent to get a contract and listing which was put on the market after it was emptied out and estate sale had been conducted.
3. contacted estate sale agent and arranged for a date.
THEN:
4. all daughters met the week of the move: my sister and I helped the day of the move to settle him while the other 2 went through all of dad's paper work, shredding, saving, and filing into boxes to store.
5. all 4 daughters and husbands chose the items they personally wanted.
THEN Went home and:
6. estate sale happened and all things not sold were donated and picked up by a company recommended by estate agent and they swept the place clean.
7. hired a cleaner for the house and carpets and house went on market.
9. house sold.
10. dad decided he wanted to move closer to me and we had to move him all over again! so that was fun! But again it was his decision when he realized the mistake he made.
You too can do this if you are organized and assign duties. All in all it took about 2 months but lots was done long distance over the phone except for the initial meetings and moving which we gave about 5 days. Dad had lots and lots of stuff and a basement full of tools and saws etc as he used to build cabinets. I hope your folks have things in a trust and have POA assigned to one of you. If not that must be done ASAP.

Hi. I am an only child and my parents were procrastinators also. In 2017 my father (now 89) fell and ended up in a care home. He is in the last stage of Alzheimer’s. Since my mom (now 88) was the sole caregiver for my dad was not eating well we got her into independent living. She has dementia. They planned on dying at home which meant my husband and I had to just get everything out of the house (more like throwing out everything) and put the house in the market in 2 weeks after she moved out. It was really sad for me to have to do that since I grew up in that home. The burden fell on me and my husband. I took over her finances since she can’t any longer. She blames me for everything and when she messes something up I have to fix it and it’s still my fault. We knew things would turn out this way since they had no plan if they got sick but had no choice but to do what we had to do.

My mom hired people to conduct an estate sale when my grandma passed. All she had to do was go through and choose what she wanted to keep. The company either threw the rest away or sold the stuff.
It is very difficult to face one’s mortality. As my mil said when her children started on her,”I am not dead yet!”
Your parents seem to be at a good point at the moment. Let them enjoy. Yes, as executor you will have to spend time. If that is not feasible for you, tell them. If it is, you can start to make some plans of your own. Talk to them. Get opinions, then plan so you are prepared. Losing memories and independence are difficult issues to face. It’s hard enough to get parents to accept help when they need it, let alone before they need it. My in-laws ditched nurses and “fired” any help that was offered. My fil did not want that. When he passed, my mil let my husband handle everything. Yes, it took forever to clean and sell the house and now she lives next door w our help and caregivers. However, she recognized the need. That’s what forced the hand.

Perhaps legally you can't make decisions for them...but who exactly is policing this?? Without arguing, without waiting for a crisis, do as much as you can to create a safety net for them and for yourself. You can even pay a community fee at assisted living and they'll call you every time a room opens up. For example--when my mother (then with cognitive impairment) started allowing total strangers to move into basement rooms in her home, I created online log-ins for all her bank and financial accounts--just so that someone else couldn't do it. It was very easy, only needed her birth date, zip code, sometimes not even her social security number. In your post, you repeat, "They don't seem to understand." They probably truly don't understand--because they are losing their mental abilities. Would they go to a neurologist for brain MRI, for cognitive testing? Just another idea.

I have to say I am in the exact same position. My parents are in their late 70s, with OK health, and living in a home they are reluctant to leave. My mother no longer drives, and while my dad is doing well now, he does have a history of heart issues and prostate cancer. I am the oldest, POA, executor, etc. While my younger brother is somewhat involved, he lives 3 hours away. So because I am 45 minutes away, 90% of the parental responsibility falls on me. A year ago there was an incident that scared my parents enough that they decided they wanted to move to my town. We started with purging the house, but it was a battle. I had to treat it like a project--a room at a time. I made numerous trips to Goodwill. I worked with a family member who dabbles in eBay and sold a number of antique pieces, old books, VHS tapes, anything I thought would sell. (My parents got a kick out of how much money they made.) Once they saw how much more organized their home became, the removal of unneeded things got easier. We then made small repairs, started speaking with a real estate agent, all of it. All of the sudden, they changed their minds. I heard it all: no housing in their price range, if the house was in their price range--no room for this piece of furniture or that piece of furniture, we don't want to leave our church, we don't want to lose our friends, we don't want to have to change our doctors. Of course, their fears are all unfounded. I provided explanations and solutions for all of their concerns. I, too, fear that when the time comes, I will have too much to deal with. But, I did learn that what I needed to do was take a step back and let my parents move through this phase of their lives at their own pace. I came to understand that this is a tremendous change for them. The house they live in now is the house they thought they'd live in for the rest of their lives. Getting rid of some of their possessions is like hastening the inevitable. In my rush to convenience myself, I forgot to think about them. They are older and set in their ways, and I was/am asking them to make a tremendous change in their lives. I think they fear that moving closer to me will bring an end to their independence. I quit pushing, and a year later, we are all in a better place. They are becoming more open-minded, and they are once again talking about making a change in the next year (providing there are no health issues). I am currently in the divorce process and will be purchasing my own home in the next few months. I know I'm taking a big risk and probably opening a can of worms, but I plan on finding a home that will be suitable for all of us. My mom is all for it because I think she sees it as a chance to "take care of her baby" (even though I'm nearly 50) after what I've dealt with. My dad is even receptive to the idea, but he wants to wait a bit to allow me to settle into a new place and give me privacy while I deal with the after-effects of a divorce. I don't know what advice I can really offer, other than be patient, start with small changes (even cleaning out one closet or room at a time), and be willing to compromise. Share your fears and concerns, and allow them to share their fears and concerns. Hopefully, you can all find a common ground and a starting place.

Would it help your parents to know their "stuff" is wanted by you, or your kids, or someone in your family? What if you encouraged them to give things away as a legacy? You may not want their stuff, but once it is out of their house you would be pretty much free to do with it as you wish.