My parents are (90 & 87). I am 6 hours away from them. We have toured several facilities that were nice, but they can't seem to pull the trigger. They are doing fine, but are getting more frail & Dad's eye site is poor due to macular degeneration. Both are hard of hearing & Mom uses a cane and has a had a stroke. Both have heart disease. Dad is an Olympic grade worrier over EVERYTHING, such as how are we going to move? What do we do with all this stuff? How do I get my prescriptions filled, etc. Despite multiple reassurances from the facility representative & me about those things, he can't make the decision. Also he's afraid they will run out of money, "then what"? Again, multiple reassurances that they won't be thrown out into the street. I have had someone coming into the house once a week for 4 hours for household help. It started out well, but lately there have been staff changes & the current person is not responsible. I told them that we will find another agency, but they are doom & gloom that the same thing will happen again. I've looked into obtaining benefits from the VA, but they won't help unless they need help with eating, bathing, dressing, etc. They are not at that point yet. Also, the vet has to have few assets. They have more in savings than the VA allows. They live in a townhouse (that's paid for) so there's no lawn work, heavy home maintenance, etc. But I worry about their safety constantly.
Also, don't kill yourself trying to convince them to make rational decisions. They won't. Your Dad probably needs some meds for anxiety. Something will happen eventually to force the issue. I'm just waiting my parents out.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I was driving myself crazy for a couple of years worrying. Things will happen. I can prevent some but not all of it. When elders are in that grey area of competency we can only do as much as they will allow.
You want to look for a continuing care community that has everything from Independent Living to Memory Care, to NH to Hospice, so that they never have to move again. And transportation is a MUST!
It is best that your parents don't see the monthly bill otherwise they will start fretting over the cost. That happened to my Dad, wish I had a crystal ball to see that coming as Dad is now obsessed with the cost. The billing department was sending a duplicate bill to my Dad, so I now put a stop to that. Thank goodness Dad doesn't see the separate bill for his private caregiver, he doesn't even ask about that cost.
I also asked Dad's stock broker to stop mailing Dad the financial statements, only send them to me, again another thing less for Dad to fret over.
Make sure you have financial Power of Attorney.
Maybe this idea might work since your parents are open to listening... you mentioned your Dad has macular degeneration.. well, the sooner someone moves who has that eye condition the better, thus they can learn their way around while their vision is still good.....
I believe that is one reason my Mom refused to move, as her mac deg was to a point where she was almost blind, so for her to learn her way around a new kitchen would have been very difficult for her to do.... even though the Independent Living facility had 3 meals a day in the main dinning room, so Mom wouldn't need to worry about cooking, she wasn't very social as she was almost totally deaf at 98. A life not well planned :(
Then when it was time for them to move up near me (3 hours away), I told them the stress of running down to see them when they had emergencies was killing me. That was all they needed to hear to move near me, where I could take care of them more easily. My dad lived for 9 years and 14 years later, my mom (96 years old) is still 1.5 miles away from me in independent living. Good luck!!
But before he moved, my sister took all his financials to her financial advisor who ran the numbers to show how long it would take for him to run out of money. Let's just say that was a great way to convince him he had the money to do it. He's worked hard all his life, saved like crazy, and has plenty. This from a blue collar worker, with only a HS education. He has more money in the bank than most professionals these days have. So proud of him. And of course it eases my mind.
So my advice: move him near you, let a senior moving company who specializes in this sort of move help downsize, and get his financials in order with you as POA, and Health POA. Good luck.
PS.... (I agree with Windyridge about something for dad's anxiety.. a.k.a. worries) My dad is exactly the same and he couldn't believe all this could be done even though we told him we were handling it all. Finally got him on low dose Buspar and Zoloft and it worked WONDERS!!!
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