Parkinson's Controlling Father. I'm not sure where to go from here, looking for advice.

I’m just speculating here but I’m imagining your sister has always lived with and been cared for by your parents, then when your mom had a stroke and her needs continued to increase your dad was primary caregiver to both until it was more than just he could handle and your mother’s friend who perhaps doesn’t have family come in to help and things progressed to her moving in with them. Then when dad needed more and more himself it was too much for the two of them and they either moved to your house as a plan with all on board or came to stay for a while until something could be figured out. That last part is where I worry because I’m not sure how you ended up ok with them all moving in with you knowing all of the issues but it’s done now so let’s break it down.

honestly at stage 1-2 dementia I’m not sure I would focus on the friend first she is probably still a big help and they all know each other so well that removing her first could rock the apple cart but you know the exact dynamics best. Since your sister has had challenges all of her life was there a plan or at least talk about what would happen with her when your parents were no longer able or when they passed? Was that plan you or would you be amenable to finding a living situation where she might thrive and be well cared for on her own? I’m not sure where you are but there are often many great options these days that simply didn’t exist 20 years ago.

How long have they all been living with you and have they established residency in your state? Do your parents or the friend have funds? Have they all established a medical team of doctors near you? Do they still have a home in Florida? Do each of them have a DPOA in place naming you as well as wills and medical directives? I’m asking because these are things that could create road blocks if you don’t have those ducks in order. A care manager to help you navigate everything sounds in order but if they can’t afford that a social worker visit from Agency in Aging or something like that would be a good first step, you can’t navigate this all by yourself none of us can!

Ideally of course you could find a facility nearby that offers the various levels of care so all three of your elders can live on the same campus, though not the same room or apartment. I’m not sure your parents can stay in the same room given your mom’s dementia and the friend doesn’t sound like she is ready for advanced care of any sort so is probably most independent but having them all on the same grounds keeps them together but not dependent on one another. That’s the dream of course reality may be different but there is no way of truly knowing until you talk to someone and do the research. Remember the social worker may not come up with all of the possibilities but will at least give you a place to jump off from. They each have different needs obviously and while tied together you need to look at each person and their needs separately I think and then see how they can mesh, if that makes any sense to you. Hang in there and start moving forward, you should at least be able to get some help caring for them while working all of this out if you start pushing open doors (doctors, agencies…) when you find the energy to get proactive you will find a new sense of control. Not saying it will be easy but seeing a light at the end of the tunnel will make a big difference.

I can't imagine caring for 4 elders and one isn't even family there is kindness but this is beyond that. Obviously all these elders need to be in facilities. The urinating all over the furniture by mom is a serious deal breaker. And dad being a lazy sack of crap isnt going to fly either.

Not sure what is wrong with you that you would allow family members to also stay at your house. I mean come on set some damn boundaries already.

When you bring up a home, expect dad to start making himself a sandwich if he can and mom to start using her commode if she can. I don’t thin it’ll be enough though.

Time for you to stand up for yourself and your husband as well. Give them a time frame to move somewhere else, into a facility, the three of them need to be placed.

I don't blame your husband, why should he have to put up with all of this turmoil?

Why in the world would you allow this to happen? You should have nipped this in the bud, it is your house, not theirs.

You are a compassionate person but also someone who has no boudaries. Your husband is "all about himself" because you are absent in your marriage. Fact: he and your marriage is your first priority always. This is a boundary that needs to be defended. Your other family doesn't help because they have boundaries that what is going on is unsustainable and exhausting. Not their monkeys, not their circus.

Letting go of the caregiving reigns won't "feel good" or be easy at first but it will be well worth it. Starting with the family friend, she needs to be transitioned out of your home first. She won't like it, but it's necessary. You say she has dementia, so you can tell her a "therapeutic fib" on why she needs to move out: "The health department says we are violating a code by having too many people in the home" etc -- whatever it takes. This is neither immoral or unethical as it is for her own good and will make it easier for her to accept the change.

As for your mom, dad and sister...you may need to talk to a Medicaid Planner to see who can go where and when. Getting them all into the same facility would seem optimal if at all possible.

If things stay the same as they are right now, how do you plan on physically helping people to the bathroom, changing incontinence briefs, feeding them when they can't feed themselves, and keeping your mom and friend safely indoors if they are still mobile and able to unlock doors and wander outside at night? When youo need to take someone to the doctor, will you load everyone into the car to go with? Is your home adapted to wheelchair accessibility? What about having no subs when you and your husband wish to have a break and go on vacation or have nights and weekends off -- and there's not enough money to pay for all their increasing needs?

Short term options are to hire a Geriatric Manager (to handle the current load so that you can work on downsizing your burden), Adult Day Care, in-home aids, and help from the county for whoever qualifies. Your parents and the friend should all be paying for this out of their own funds, never yours.

I wish you all the best in seeing your situation with clarity and solving it with wisdom. May you gain peace in your heart as you travel this journey.

Well... Regardless of how you ended up being a boiled frog in a pot - time to get jumping.

Looking at your situation, writing it all down here, was a good start.

Move your focus from the daily miniscule of Dad's pants & look at the BIG PICTURE.

* What do you see?
* Is this working?
* What needs to change?

Please don't waste another moment waiting for others to come rescue you.

You absolutely need to help yourself out of your situation.

Start with Lifeline or your local Doctor to start lining up NON-family help.

Get them ALL moved OUT of your house in short order and into managed care before YOU need to be hospitalized yourself! Why on earth did you agree to care for 3 elders in the first place, one of which is not even a relative???

Give them all a date by which they have to be out, say 60 days, and put it in writing. Help them find new living arrangements if need be, and arrange help to get their things moved out. If mom and sister need help applying for Medicaid, help them do that. It's physically mentally and emotionally impossible to care for all these people and have one ounce of energy left over for yourself or your husband, who you can't blame for not being on board with this arrangement. I'm shocked he didn't put his foot down and prevent these 3 from moving in to begin with.

Best of luck setting down the new rules and taking your life back!