Hello. I’m 40 and I’ve been a caretaker since I was 19 when my sibling was hurt. I left college twice to help. I then left college again when my dad asked me to take care of my mom. It’s been a roller coaster since then. My sibling died right before COVID and then my father was diagnosed with kidney cancer. They removed his kidney and he had to start dialysis and then heart failure. I tried for several yrs to keep him alive while also taking care of my mom & gma in her 80s (now almost 88). My dad died despite my best attempts. We lost our home and moved in to our gmas house. I have S strained relationship with my mom & gma but I try to take care of them. They have mental illness along with physical issues and they are also hoarders. But that is the least of their issues. They are very controlling and have tracked me, do not allow me to have contact with anyone and I have a very miserable isolated life. The guilt trips have turned into horrible tantrums. And I have no escape. No car, no income, nothing. I was told I would at least get some pay and inheritance. I found out everything is and has always been in my sisters name and she already got 20k. My sister has not contributed to their care. So I have nothing. I have health. Issues of my own and I don’t feel like I have a future. I have rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and migraines with gastroparesis to start. I’m exhausted and can’t continue this. My gma fell the day after my dad died and I’ve been changing her diapers since. I’m worn down and haven’t had a day to myself. I haven’t watched tv since 2018. I’m suicidal. I can’t leave because of my pets. I have no way to leave or make an income. I didn’t know I could be getting paid to take care of them. Apparently, some family members were getting paid while I took care of my sibling but it wasn’t me. Do I have any rights currently? My gma has long term care insurance. I live in the rural south and things are iffy here. I’m an extremely timid shy vulnerable easily manipulated person. I am very trusting. I didn’t think my family would do this and I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with this. Most people tell me I remind them of dory from finding Nemo. I believe I have been taken advantage of but I’m not sure if I’m being sensitive? But I’m hurt and more than that I am scared. I just want to find a way to pay for some land for me and my pets. I even agreed that I wouldn’t take the full check. Just 1/3, but nothing has happened. And I can’t get local insurance or my license to go talk to someone because they won’t sign papers I live here because I guess that will mess up the insurance paying me as a caregiver? Could someone more experienced please offer me some kind advice? I am scared.
While a Forum of strangers from around the world might have been able to help somewhat with advice at step ONE in all of this, it is unlikely we could really have any solid advice now that this had become so entangled and ongoing over the years.
I would go to see a Licensed Social Worker in private practice as a therapist to get some pointers on where to begin for YOUR OWN LIFE. As to curing all that ails in all the other lives, I don't really think that is in your control, nor can you be responsible for it, other than hopefully to have the social worker give you some contact numbers for other family members to begin to address their problems.
You aren't god. You aren't all the Saints, or even one in all likelihood. Taking care of all these problems isn't possible for one person.
I wish you the best of luck, but you are going to have to pull back now and protect yourself somewhat, I think, in the interests of pure survival. You have mentioned suicidal ideations. For that reason I am self reporting my own comments so that AC can refer you to help. But do know that the national suicide hotline is 988 for any crisis where there is desperation and suicidal ideation.
I am so sorry that this has gone on to this crisis point. Look on today as a bad weather front; tomorrow may be a bit sunnier and you can begin to address things slowly and one at a time with the help of others. My best out to you and I am so sorry for all that has landed in a heap on the plate here.
Please call the hotline right now and start saving yourself:
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Trust me, you are most definitely being taken advantage of.
Your story sounds a bit familiar. Have you posted on this forum before?
It stinks that you’re doing all of the caregiving and your sister is getting money for doing nothing. What’s up with that?
What is most important to you? What do you want for yourself? Do you want to go back to college? Do you want to get a job so you can support yourself? Do you want to spend time with friends?
I love animals too but I think that I would rather rehome my pets and have my freedom. You could try to find someone who would give them a home temporarily but that may not be possible.
Do you have NAMI in your area? I think you would benefit from speaking with a licensed professional, rather than a caregiver forum.
Find out why you feel the way you do. Look into what would motivate you to do whatever is needed to better your life.
Wishing you all the best.