POA has denied me access to my mother's room at the nursing center. Can this be legal?

Countrymouse I petitioned only partial guardianship as suggested by my mother's doctor at NH . After the judge ordered the POA not to be disturbed my sister POA told the Judge I was trying to get POA and the Judge said there was nothing she could do about it, but the NH SW won't allow a notary in her room to sign and told them contrary to the doctor's diagnosis that my Mom was unable to sign. The GAL guardian ad litem verbally released my mother in my care 9/14/15 but my sister told her she had POA 9/26/15 and the GAL called me and said she would side with my sister in court the next day even though I told her my mother had no family home and my sister's building had been condemned by the city.

Sorry... 9/26/15 should be 9/16/15...serious typo Countrymouse. Sorry again.

Is the GAL still appointed to your mother in this case?

All my mother is COMPETENT and only partial guardianship is suggested for medical/financial but the NH and Hospitals are giving my sister guardianship rights not just POA because somehow "personal" is on the POA but only full guardianship gives a "personal" power and Mom would have no rights to speak on her behalf and this is why I petitioned partial guardianship because the NH will not allow my Mi to sign POA over to me. This is illegal, my Mom's leg is broken, her left hand is contracted but her stroke was on the right side and she's begging to come home with me and I am begging her to be patient and wait for the judges decision .

Jeangibbs the judge just goes by the GAL and POA whil my petition for guardianship was denied, so no one has full guardianship and my mother is competent to make her own personal decisions that don't require policy, bureaucracy, and law IMO in my opinion.

Jeangjbbs the GAL was in circuit court and at this time I have appealed to the appellate where the 2nd division judges will make the decision for my partial guardianship or enforce my Mom's legal right to sign POA to me and go with me in a family home and not share one room with 2 other patients. Moreover, I still don't know how her leg got broken, why her right hand is contracted when her strok was on the right side ten years ago or more, what medicines she's taking , her weight, benefits, etc. The NH won't tell me anything.

Jeangibbs I meant her left hand is contracted, not her right hand.

All my Mom was put on purée and there's nothing wrong with my mother's digestive system, so I am afraid she is being fed purée before her time because she can eat table food. She loves strawberry sundae and soft cheese puffs but the SW brought them back and said she's on purée and stopped me from seeing my Mom even though she's been eating table food.

As I said I've been visiting my Mom all year and now I have appealed to appellate court for partial guardianship I am being prohibited from even seeing my Mom after I saw her left hand contracted the day before.

So you're at odds with the judge, the social worker, the guardian ad litem and your POA sister. All of them have reached the conclusion that your mother needs to be in the Nursing Home. Why do you suppose they've come to that conclusion? Do you imagine they're all completely uninterested in your mother's best interests, and are somehow doing this for the sheer merry h*ll of it?

You told the guardian that your mother had no family home, and that your sister's building - your mother's former home - had been condemned; and you thought this would persuade the guardian to support your plan to have her discharged from the Nursing Home?

I just don't know what to say.

Spend time with your mother. Drop everything else - the appeal, the futile arguments. They are a waste of your and everybody else's time, and you are making things worse for yourself and your mother.

Momlover, if you think that your mother is on pureed food for digestive issues, you've just exposed your profound lack of knowledge (and interest in understanding) of why that is her prescribed diet. And why no authority in her/his right mind will release her to you. You are an absolute danger to your mother's health, well-being and life. The fact that she "enjoys" table food doesn't mean it's safe for her to eat. Ice cream is generally fine for a patient on a soft diet, but you understand neither the reason for the diet nor the principle behind it. You reason like a 7 year old might.

Get over the guardianship issue. You do not have the capacity to do this.

As we've all stated, visit your mother and enjoy her company. Use therapeutic fibs ( you need to stay here until your leg is healed, until they give you therapy for your hand, etc) to calm her. Is she on meds for her agitation?

Rainmom thanks to sticking it out with me and thanks to you all. May God bless you all for your wisdom and insight .

Momlover123, you are not focusing on the reality that is happening, you are just focusing on bringing your Mom home. I know this will sound harsh, but you are in serious denial regarding your Mom.

The more you write the more I understand how you are NOT ready for this task. You need to learn more about what is physically going on with your Mom, and you hadn't even began that task. Yes, this is your first rodeo, and there is so much to learn. It's not like bringing Mom home and having tea with her in the afternoon.

Freqflyer Homecare will be provided by trained professionals.

Mom lover you are a case in point: when people who want to care are just not fit for purpose. You cannot care for your Mum your knowledge is too weak and you are a danger to her physical well being and that I am afraid rules out her coming home. learn to live with the ruling because it isn't going to change any time this side of hell freezing over

You don't know anything about knowledge I have and the aptitude I have to acquire it. You are out of line with your unfounded accusations.

Oh judge hoe do you know the ruling will not change? My mother's competency is relevant and she will have professional care and she is place with quality of life. You are not speaking rationally IMO.

Typo sorry. Ohjude how do you know...

Your mother's competency to make choices is one thing - to make decisions is totally another. A guardian ad litem is appointed by the court to represent the interests (in this case) incompetent persons in legal actions. Therefore regardless of what you may think feel or want the courts have decided and determined your mother is not competent to make decisions - that's what I base my comment on.

What your mother wants is one thing if you said do you want to stay her or come home she might well choose to come home. Thats is choice. Decision is when she can rationalise why she wants to come home and what the scenario could be IF she came home and the pitfalls she may encounter and what the outcome of those would be. Is she going to have round the clock professional care that does not involve you? If so then we are talking serious money here 168 hours a week of it. You will need at least 5 carers to cover that - more when you take into account sickness and holidays. Does your mother have a clue as to how much that will cost her? Does she know what changes will have to happen for her to come home. Can she rationalise any of that?

This is not about your desire to grant your mum's wishes it is purely about her physical well being and with a GAL in place one has to say she does not have capacity

Momlover ~ I dropped out of trying to be helpful last year when you clearly did not want advice but approval for your thoughts & actions, but I find myself here again.
OK, you refer to other patients being able to eat one week but being tube fed the next. Now I'm making a really big assumption here that You do not have access to their medical records? Ok, you are assuming neglect? abuse? from your witnessing a change in feeding?
My widowed BIL on Mon ate solid food cheese and apple with no problem, Tues-Thur could not swallow more than 0.05 teaspoon of liquid at a time. Are we neglecting/abusing him? No! He has a progressive disease which is going to get worse. His swallow mechanism is breaking down and he will need tube feeding. Does this break my heart? Absolutely, but it is the nature of his illness and if I truly care more about him than me. Then I hold back my misery and I put 100% commitment into making time with him the most fun we can have.
He's not yet in NH BUT ML when that time comes I will do my damndest to be as polite, helpful and as cheerful as I can be to NH staff. I will be grateful for the fact that they wipe his butt and not me. Not because I wouldn't, but because it keeps his dignity. I'll be glad they are there for him, because it means that the time I spend with him is quality time. Not me frazzled & exhausted because I've been caring 24/7.
As previously said so succinctly by Jeanne Gibbs you seem to fail to grasp that there are progressive illnesses and sadly your Mum has one.
Since I last responded to you on here I have myself been diagnosed with Dementia with Lewy Bodies.
As a carer I knew Dementia was a horrible thief of a disease, now on the other side as a sufferer too I get a second perspective on this most malicious of illnesses. Please, please ML try to hear folk on this forum.
You say you're Mum is unhappy and a non person when you are not there, how do you know if you are not there?
If as I suspect you are talking about watching your Mum without her awareness of your presence? Then let me tell you honestly, if ANY of the people who care about me where to see me when I am unaware they'd probably reach the same conclusion you have about your Mum. When I'm with folk I try to be positive, happy, the Lucy they know/love.
When I think I'm alone, then yes I'm often sad. I miss my SO so desperately, I wish so much he was here with me and yet I'm so glad he died before he got to see me unravelling before his eyes. I'm grieving for the person I was, and the person I'll now never get to be. I'm trying to make sense of a life, a world that no longer makes complete sense to me. As I write this I'm glad I'm alone because I am sobbing as I acknowledge to myself the honesty in these words. For anyone to see me without me knowing it's like sneaking a look at me naked!
She asks to come home with you. A lot of the time I'm fortunate enough to be fairly with it, and yet I'll tell people I want to go to the Isle of Skye and I do.
I had a literally torturous childhood at the hands of my biological parents. At age 10 I met 2 lovely individuals who fell in love and married each other. They also (astoundingly to me then and now) fell in love with a very damaged little girl of 10. They wanted to adopt me but weren't allowed. So they stayed in touch with me the rest of my life. They celebrated my achievements, were there for my heartbreaks and have loved me unconditionally no matter. These people were/are the closest I ever had to parents and I want to go home to them.
BUT ~ at that moment I'm asking to go home 50 yrs ago. To a time when I was safe with them, a child who was being protected for the first time in my life. My brain is not accepting now, when they are frail 70+ and 80+ I don't want to go home in now.
I also find that I ask to do things I feel people around me want. In my case it's certain shops or out to eat. Is it possible your Mum knows you want her to come home and she's trying to please you?
It's taken me 2 days to write this so I'm sorry if it's out of sync with other postings but it was written to try to help.

Lucy, Thank you for such a brave, brave letter. This is something I need to know. I wish you well from the bottom of my heart. Carol

Lucy it doesn't matter how long it took you to write that - I can't imagine the pain you feel in your heart right now but you have my utter admiration for writing such a candid post - all power to you xxx

Dear LucyCW,
May God bless you for returning and thank God you have not had to deal with an NH with a family member holding the POA over your head. I wish I had your experience with caring...it's God sent. I had a damaging childhood too but it wasn't at the hands of my Mom. It was had the hands of my father and siblings with and without love. My Mom always comforted and loved me immensely and the rest of the family seemed to dislike that as they grew in their dominion roles within the household but still cared for me but did some treacherous things too in a society of "wars" and strife and quick to devalue humanity. My Dad divorced my Mom and remarried when I was 13 in about '75, with no higher education and being a homemaker, my Mom was a beautiful and caring woman left penniless and homeless after raising five children. None of the five children (ranging from ages 13- 25 as oldest brother was severely injured in a body cast after Vietnam) could care for Mom in 1975 because we were children or didn't have the means, so for about ten years my Mom went from mental institution to mental institution just to stay alive and let herself be diagnosed as a manic depressive on lithium. After all the dysfunction in the family It seemed a though only my sister and I wanted to take my mother in but we were too young and couldn't support her.Finally, in 1985 my sister became stable enough to take her in and she took her in for 30 years (I lived with Mom from 1995-2006 during the loss of my sister's first son in 2000 as her home was severely dilapidating and she refused to get a full-time job after the divorce from her first husband in about 1993 and remarried in about 1999, Along with caring for Mom she also raised three girls during the course of Mom's caregiving while I lived with my Mom from about 1995-2006 and raised my son on the first floor of her building. Mom had SSA/SSI and in-home care benefits but my sister still refused to get a part-time job that would assist will the renovation of the dilapidation of her building we were living in after her divorce from her first husband).. LucyCW truly find something you love to do that will take your mind off of your loved one if you are not happy immediately convert to your happy hobby. that you and others enjoy; such as, sewing, baking, blending foods your loved one and others enjoy, jarring preserves, playing game or instrument, build more caregiver social networks, create your own caregiver blog or website, etc. Please understand that there are different stages of dementia and my Mom is only at the state of confusion and forgetfulness. Her doctor has verified that she only needs help with tedious medical and financial decisions. My Mom begs to come home with me as I have said so many times. She even scratched my hand softly one day begging to come home. I beg her to be patient and tell her the judges have to decide. You keep mentioning progressive disease and dementia, but neither of these stop a mother from living with her daughter. May God bless you LucyCW and may your spirit and energy carry on to future generations.

Lucy, thank you for your deeply moving post.

Thank you, Lucy.

Momlover123, You have a lot of compassion, but you really don't have a clue about what mentally ill (bipolar) persons with dementia and mobility issues need. I am sorry that your family was so dysfunctional. I am sorry that your mother's illness is so distressful to you.

But I will repeat my suggestions one more time. (Nothing you have disclosed so far has changed my mind.)

1) Focus on a goal you could actually attain: Get permission to see your mother. (Don't try to sneak foods in to her. Don't get her agitated about going home. Don't go behind the GAL's back and try to send in a notary for your mother to sign legal documents. Don't do anything to make you unwelcome in the NH. Mend fences with staff. Build bridges.)
2) When you have the authorization to do so, spend lots of time with your mother, making her days where she is as comfortable and happy as they can be.

Your story is so confusing I'm confused: When was the last time you were with your mother? What is your current status regarding visiting her?

LM, I wonder if this part of Lucy's wonderful post sunk in?

"He's not yet in NH BUT ML when that time comes I will do my damndest to be as polite, helpful and as cheerful as I can be to NH staff. I will be grateful for the fact that they wipe his butt and not me. Not because I wouldn't, but because it keeps his dignity. I'll be glad they are there for him, because it means that the time I spend with him is quality time. Not me frazzled & exhausted because I've been caring 24/7."

Her loved on is not in a nursing home yet, but she understands that the time will probably come when that is best for him. And when it comes, she intends to do what we are all urging you to do.

Spend quality time with your mother, where she is getting good care and you can focus on your relationship and love her.

K

Momlover123, if you get denied again on partial guardianship of your mother by the courts, will you accept it as a final ruling? I hope you are emotionally prepared for a ruling against your petition. Judges usual have goods reasons for denying guardianship to a family member. I admire your love and compassion for your mom, but are you financially and physicality capable to care for her in your home? Do you have a solid plan to present in court to show you can become a responsible enough guardian? I doubt a higher court will grant you guardianship without a thorough plan.

Jeannegibbs I do not sneak foods to my Mom. This purée diet just started and I had not been told that . The GAL is not used in appellate court.