"Yes I am desperately seeking some help for my grandmother. My mother currently has poa over my grandmother who has alzheimers and as of about 8 weeks ago she and my grandfather has been put in a nursing home. My grandfather passed away on the 20th of November. I am very concerned for my grandmother's well being. Everytime I have visited her in the nursing home she has been so heavily medicated with sequil that she nods out the whole entire visit. As of 8 weeks ago my grandmother could walk, carry on a conversation, new who everyone was, feed herself, and go to the restroom by herself. Now she isn't doing any of this. I have expressed my concerns with my mother but there are no changes being made. My grandparents raised me and my twin sister and it's not right for this to be going on.
At the stage of Alzheimer's that your grandmother now has, she will need around the clock care. And in order to do that, you will need to hire at least one or two Caregivers to each work an 8 hour shift, while you take the open 8 hour shift. Otherwise you will be putting in 168 hours per week, every day, with no time off even if you get sick with a cold or the flu. Unless your twin or other family members will roll up their sleeves to help you.
My boss' wife had Alzheimer's for 14 years until she passed. She needed round the clock care. Sadly she couldn't feed herself, or bathe, or use the bathroom on her own. Half the time she didn't even know who he was, nor recognize her own children. He hired a Caregiver for 12-hours. He took the night shift, all day Saturday and all day Sunday. There were days he was so exhausted because he got only 2 to 4 hours of sleep. And there were days he never came to the office because his Caregiver had to stay at her own home because one of her school aged children was sick.... the Caregiver was private, not through an Agency where a substitute could be sent. His wife was very calm, none combative which made her care easier in that respect... but that isn't always the case, some patients become violent and resist you helping them.
Thus, if you are able to bring your grandmother home, be 100% ready for everything.
Pick one topic, such as medication levels, and along with your mother, talk to the director of nursing (or the appropriate staff person, depending on what topic you pick) about what is happening and why, and what options there are for trying other approaches.
Keep in mind that your grandmother gave her daughter power of attorney. She could have chosen you. She didn't. And now your mother has to fulfill the responsibility to act on Grandmother's behalf and do what she considers best for her. Putting her in a nursing home may be best for her. Keeping her husband's death from her may be best. Or maybe these things are/were not best but it is your mother's legal responsibility to make those judgments. If you don't agree, the best approach is to discuss these issues with your mother, in a nonjudgmental way.
Do you work? Are you married? How would you be able to care for Grandmother in her home 24/7?
But, you know, people do what they think is necessary. Perhaps your mother truly felt this would be the least traumatic way of moving them. Even if you or I might not agree, she was still doing what she thought was for the best.
The thing is, she may also have very good reasons for her judgement that your grandmother's welfare is best served by her continuing to live at the nursing home. If I were you, I'd talk to her about it and think carefully about what she says. She could be right.
That doesn't make it any less sad, of course. It's good for your grandmother that you're still visiting your grandmother in the NH, but it's very hard on you. I don't mean stop doing it! - just try to be kinder to yourself by accepting that at least some part of her decline is, unfortunately, natural. It's also worth making friends as far as you can with the staff, because the more they see your grandmother as a person with a history and family who care about her, the more likely they are to want to get to know her and the better the care they'll take of her. Are you getting any support from your twin?
But if your grandmother has been living with Alzheimer's Disease these ten years, I don't think your mother is necessarily wrong not to have told her about your grandfather's passing. I agree that it's a grotesque situation, but what's grotesque is what Alzheimer's does to the people we love.
What are your mother's reasons for thinking it best for your grandmother to stay in the Nursing Home?
My guess is that your Mother is doing her best. As the person who was making decisions for my Dad (who died in October), I know how difficult those decisions can be. Instead of assuming your Mom is not doing the right things, is it possible to offer to help. If your Mom will let you help, you can get a chance to talk with the staff and understand a bit more about what is happening.
Getting into a legal fight over guardianship seems a bit extreme. It may be that I don't have the whole picture, but my guess is you'll make a lot more progress working with your Mom than trying to fight her.
The only other option, I think, is what Pam suggests -- full Guardian status.
What would you change, if you had authority over Grandmother? Sounds like you are concerned about her medications. Do you get along with your mother? Could the two of you arrange to talk to the director of nursing at the NH, and perhaps the doctor, to understand why she is being medicated at this level?
Dementia progresses at its own rate, sometimes gradually over time and sometimes in fits and starts. A trauma as severe as the death of a spouse can certainly kick-start a great decline. Perhaps even if she weren't in a nursing home and on drugs your grandmother would not be able to walk at this time. Seroquel can be a big help when a dementia patient is extremely anxious and upset. Obviously it is not good for every patient and it takes good medical supervision to determine that.
I commend you for wanting to advocate for Grandmother's care. I hope that you can work with your mother to investigate what is going on. Nothing is going to cure her dementia or alleviate her grief, but if her quality of life can be improved by more attention to her treatment plan, I wish you and your mother success in achieving that!
Since your grandfather passed away only 17 days ago, chances are your grandmother knew his days were numbered. She could have started grieving for him prior to his death and is still grieving. Let her grieve in her own way, even if it means staying in bed all day.
Do you want Power of Attorney over your grandmother? What would be your plans? To care for your grandmother at your home? Please note that some people with Alzheimer's can live up to 15 years. Are you ready for that long of a haul caring for someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no days off?
If it makes you feel any better, be present when the MD visits your grandmother and ask for an explanation of her maladies and her prognosis.
What you may be seeing is Grandma giving up and feeling depressed over the loss of her husband. See the MD.