10 days ago I had to put Dad into a dementia home. He hates it and keeps telling me to "get me out of here!!!!" Tells me I don't know what I'm doing and that I am loosing my father and will never see him again. His dementia is big....needs help with everything...can't even walk good with walker anymore. He absolutely needs to be there, but it breaks my heart to give him up. I visit every day. For 2+ yrs I have been living with both parents in their condo caring for them alone.
I love him soooo much and making him happy makes me happy.
When his face would lite up with happiness about something.....my throat tightens and eyes tear. Now I can't make him happy anymore and it hurts so much. This dementia is stealing him away from me slowly/quickly and now with him in the facility I am loosing him in another way. He has frontal lobe dementia.
The facility really is nice...has his own room + bathroom that I am in process of decorating and bringing familiar items from home. The food doesn't look that good, at least not like at home.
They are telling me that he will adjust...not to worry...this is normal.
Could anyone confirm that and offer some suggestions to make this easier for us?
I hope that if I ever have to be in a nursing home I will have the grace to make the best of it and get on with what is left of my life. I know, though, if I have dementia I won't have much control over that. I have, by the way, promised all 5 of our kids that if I ever wind up in a facility where I have to listen to other people's televisions all day I will find a way to come back from the dead and haunt each and every one of them!)
I am seriously thinking of going to counceling myself as I become quite depressed after just speaking with Mom on the phone, which I do at least once a week. We were always very close and watching this disease rob her of the life she had is heartbreaking. My husband and I spent a couple of weeks visiting in April. (we live 3000 miles away). She remembers we were there. Our conversations are pretty one sided. Whenever I try to change the subject, it always comes back to "get me the "heck" out of here" and/or I wish I were dead. I wish you much luck with your Dad. I have spoken to eveyone available to me and have hired an angel of an elder care nurse to assist me looking out for Mom. Nothing helps 100%. Mom is 90 and I have been blessed to have her this long and I miss her. I agree with what cmagnum has to say...good advice.
Now, I have had to make another decision for my husband and me, and my Mother. So far, so good.
Giving up the 24/7 responsibility can free you to do better what only you can do -- be the best daughter or son you can be.
timmy: you know how your Dad used to respond to changes, and perhaps you can use that as a clue to help in the transition.
I am reminded that acting out behaviors of most types are fear-based, and with reassurance and consistency, we can ease them through it.
and timmy--I'm with you about the food. I have offered to bring something once a week and provide the recipe, if all enjoy it. Next week I'm making meatloaf, which has lots of vegies in it, as well as turkey, or beef, and pork sausage. The owner goes to Costco and buys lots of frozen entrees, which is 'easier' for the caregivers to prepare. I know Mother is not getting my cooking every day, but she is getting a 'better' me, as I am rested and more attentive to her. Can't have everything.
Yes, you are losing your Dad. Dementia is a dreadful thief of personality before it is a thief of life. Having him in a home may help you hang on to his essence better than you could at home. When you have 24/7 responsibility for someone you can get so tired from the physical maintenance tasks that you don't have proper energy for just being there for him and giving him emotional support. Now that you don't have to feed him and toilet him and dispense his meds and clean his messes, etc. etc. you can focus on quality time with him. I hope this will bring you both some comfort, in time.
I moved my Mother into a residential care home last weekend from my home where 2 caregivers and I took care of her for almost a year. Our home was not set up for my husband and I to continue our own life of privacy, away from the constant demands and focus of Mother. We both work and need to be able to relax at the end of the day, and I did not get much sleep the entire time she was here.
My Mother has Lewy Body Dementia, is 94 yrs old, and legally blind. The new home is nurturing and has 4 other alert women and 2 men. She is adjusting well and is happy to see me every day, no complaints. I believe, as does the owner of the home, that Mother's advancing dementia is preventing her from realizing the change. Her main issue is not wanting to ever be alone; with all the other people and activities, it take the pressure off of one person needing to sit with her and hold her hand, and Mother can interact with the others, or just "feel" the company.
You must have very good reason for putting your Dad in the home and do not need a guilt trip as to why you did it. As with all major changes we make in life, first we consider the options, weigh each many times, make a decision, then wonder if it was the right one. You are one person, you have your own life, too.
This week has been very emotional for me, as I do not want to hurt my Mother, so I understand what you are going through. We first have to make sure we can handle our duties, and that means not overburdening yourself with too many responsibilities, or you will not do any of them well. You are entitled to a life, you know. He will adjust and look forward to your visits. Breathe. It will be OK.
Not doing anything with their home....Mom and I live in it.
Just bringing some photos to rehang in his room, his hamper, towels, toiletries, clothes, etc.
Getting a new bedspread and curtains made, got him a chair lift recliner.
I do have happy times...I was just referring to how much it means to me to make him happy and now there aren't any of those moments. You are right about daily visits...but need to keep filling in the forms with them and bringing him things from home. This move happened very quickly without warning and we all have been scrambling to make it go as smooth as possible. Mom and I went back to my home in a different state for 4 days to take care of some of my business there and he was alone then. Will see if there is a social worker there.