Adult protective services. How do I protect myself?

Raven1, I think you are right about your sister's mental illness. Staying squeaky clean and documenting more carefully than any human being should ever have to is possibly the only thing you can do, as it seems likely sister does not cosnider herself to have any problem but uses you as the scapegoat for all her negative emotion. The more you can deal with the same people at APS, they can get to know you and the situation, they will more or less be your allies and just kind of pro forma check out each new accusation. Plus, they MIGHT have some idea of a resource to help with your sister, and maybe could help you get a guardianship... Lord know you are already doing enough documentation for the required reports and all for that.

Anyone worth their weight knows by now that reporting maltreatment and/or being combative is part of AD. My mom took a walk one day (I don't remember details as it was 6 years ago) and the police ended up bringing her back. This was a one time occurance but mom reported to the police officer that I had taken XXX dollars of her money and some other accusations. It was a bit funny in the amount she chose to accuse me of taking. In short, the officer brought mom home but surprisingly asked me to go into my house and retrieve all of mom's bank statements for her review. I did so and the officer found that mom started with X dollars and had 5k more than when she started. Case closed. Good records and being nice will be very helpful. Like someone else stated I spend a fortune on my mom. Mom is now on medicaid and from the proceeds of her home sale, I was repaid the 30k that I had spent on her! That's alot of money to spend as a caregiver! In 2011 i was laid off so it will see if more than half my income was spent on mom (for tax deduction purposes). In 2012 I did not work at all so I have spent more than half of what I brought in. In theory, I get the state and the feds will owe me money?

Chimonger: Thank you so much for your input and support! I do greatly appreciate it! Don't worry about going long you remind me of me....we need to use up our 10,000 daily words!!! Lol!!! Short and concise does not always work!!!

I do feel like I am constantly on the run trying to stay ahead of the pack or accusations that seem to fly my way mainly by my sister. I did not learn that there was indeed a "problem" between us until I was 28 and my brother-in-law told me about it. It seems that my sister has never gotten over the fact that my parents had the nerve to have another child and actually bring it home to live. She determined that she hated me and wanted me out of her life and has pretty much made my life miserable for the past 60 or so years! She has verbally told me that she will hate me until the day I die; she is 6 years older than I. The only time she is nice to me is when she wants something and then without fail something happens and it will appear to be my fault....at her doing, and I am once again hit in the face with some type of accusation.

Four years ago she tried to make my younger sister believe that I was stealing money from my mother because we both banked at the same bank and I had my mother on my account as a co-signer, in case I was too ill to pay my own bills. My younger sister and I are close and she told me immediately. I told her that I had never taken a penny from my parents and if she wanted to bring in an accountant to be my guest, my books are open! In reality this sister and her daughter are the only ones who have EVER taken money from my mother and father and NEVER repaid A CENT! She was part of the reason I took POA to stop the robbing of Mom's account.

As the oldest child she felt that she should be put in charge of everything involving my parents estate, however for about 8-10 years I have taken care of my Moms finances/banking and doctor appointments, therefore I requested POA and was given it by my mother......this fact did not endear me to her in any way, she actually tried to stop it.

I am the caregiver and yes I do pay a set amount each month towards household expenses and food as does my mother. My sister was also paying and then for 2 years just stopped paying, she has only recently begun again. My mother and I had to make up her portion during that time and no she has no intention of repaying that money. Yes, my sister has also done some things that could be considered "dicey," after my father's death.

This house belongs to my mother and when she passes away we will each own a 1/3 share although my younger sister and I would like to just buy my older sister out. None of us wish to live with her a moment longer than we have to.

I was moved into this house because I was ill. I was having gran mal seizures and panic and anxiety attacks. My parents did not want my daughter and I living alone and my daughter possibly being alone with me during a seizure and becoming frightened. So my house was sold and we were moved in with them. I am currently on disability myself. I know it is odd to think of a disabled person caring for someone else but that is exactly why I was put in this position....I was the one already at home, so keep watch on the person who is ill, because everyone else is working. So I basically became the unpaid caregiver.

I have not used an in home worker as of this time. I have relied on my daughter to either run to the store for me or stay here while I run to the store, type thing. She will be graduating soon however and working so I may have to find someone else to help. My older sister is not planning on being of any help, she told me when I returned from vacation that I would need to seek assistance from an outside source when she returns to work in August. Just when I was prepared to tell her and my daughter that both of them had to step up more and help me out and they could each take a night or two during the week to cook dinner as well. All I do is run around "putting out fires" all day long....it's exhausting! When my head hits the pillow at night I am "gone in 60 seconds!"

When my sister reported me falsely she did not call 911 or go to any medical facility to have her "injuries" looked at or treated. I think she said she did call her social worker but I have a feeling she went to see her therapist a day or two later and told this huge story and the therapist told her she had to report the "abuse" that had happened to her. She belongs to a huge HMO and one of their social workers came here to the house and then 6 weeks later is when APS showed up. See she raised such a stink with her HMO telling off the Administration and her doctors that THEY SENT HER TO AN IN HOUSE THERAPIST! Then she wonders why her doctors don't want to help her!!! They realized she has a problem!!!!!!

She has been gone for the past two weeks and I thought it was going to be so hard dealing with Mom all day long by myself. It was just the opposite, it has been heavenly! No screaming, yelling or ATTITUDE!!!!! My mother is quieter and less upset, just easier to deal with. She does ask where my sister is every day and I tell her but she has never said she misses her. THE DOWN SIDE....SHE WILL BE BACK IN TWO DAYS! My daughter and I both dread it!

Two weeks ago she did it again, she accused me of grabbing her 15 year old granddaughters arms and bruising her and causing welts on her arms! I told her she was a liar, that that NOT HAPPENED and I walked past her to the bathroom door and told her granddaughter to let me see her arms and she held them out to me and guess what was there......NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING! Because it NEVER HAPPENED! The entire time I am walking towards the door my sister is yelling at me NOT TO GO IN THERE, SHE IS UPSET ENOUGH! When I opened the door she was checking her makeup in the mirror! I just do not get my sister, this is now 3 years in a row that she has accused me of injuring her or now her granddaughter AND IT NEVER HAPPENED. I turned and looked at my sister who was standing behind me and said "Look at her arms, there is NOTHING there! I NEVER grabbed her or injured her, her arms are perfect, lily white!" She shrugged her shoulders and walked to her room! She decided to remove her 2 grandchildren from the house that very moment and take them to their father. I told her she could use the vehicle she drives, that she was NOT taking MINE! So she stood in the hallway yelling at me, "Sure lets just get stingy, let's just be stingy now!" I said to her "Are you kidding me? You just accused me of injuring your granddaughter and marking up her arms and you want me to loan you my car to take them to their father for two weeks? Really?"

Just to let you know, I NEVER GRABBED MY GREAT NIECE OR HURT HER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FASHION AND I WOULD TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST TO PROVE IT! I only say that because the only other witness was my mother, however her memory lasts for about 15 minutes! The great niece isn't talking!?

I truly think my sister has a legitimate mental problem I just don't know if anything will ever change and I am tired of the accusations and character assignation. I told my parents years ago that she needed mental help as a child and they could have stopped this; they thought it was sibling rivalry that would end on its own but it isn't, it's worse. I want my Mom to spend her last days/years in a comfortable environment without attitude and mental abuse (via argumentative behavior) and I have found this past two weeks with her being gone has been beneficial for us all!

How do I deal with all this and still be the best caregiver I can possibly be to my Mom? The funny thing is, I think my sister plans on ME caring for HER in a few years! She has alienated her children. I have just two words...NOT HAPPENING!

Raven,
Sorry this ran long...I tend to do that.

It appears both Mom & sis have you believing you are out-foxed-
-at least by keeping you emotionally fragile, off-balance & convinced you are guilty of something--anything they can invent.

It's good to have POA.
Be strong--mentally ill/demented/ persons who have been notably irresponsible with their assets, have no business using a checkbook.
If that were allowed to continue, and Mom later needed DSHS [welfare] help, they would sure question her actions with her assets!
You are a few steps ahead, by having done these things.

I can tell you, it's far worse, if the parent never grants POA, or keeps their assets and blows them away...
Mom disappeared 200K in a year...literally burying it, giving it to street people, buying mountains of hoarded junk, gifting it to others-- all of which could be seen as her right to do so--- some relatives thought she was fully entitled to do that.
But the State fails to see that as a right--especially when the person could have had enough to live out their days on, if it was properly used, preventing the person being a State liability.

You, doing caregiver, are paying your way under someone else's roof, the hard way. Is your Sis helping pay her way there?
OR....?
One of my siblings claimed, on paper [I found it online by accident], that Mom was living under their roof, using one of Mom's former names....
& claiming her as their dependent on IRS tax filings--though they provided -zero- support for her--Mom knew, & thought it was hilarious, in her venomous deranged thought processes;
She actually lived under our roof with her legal name, but we didn't provide more than half her support--therefore were not entitled to claim her as our dependent....my sibling--well, I only hope the statute of limitations runs out before they catch 'em--they've got years to go for that to run out....
===Since your sis lives there & acts weird, one might wonder if she is claiming something she's not entitled to, & covering that by barraging accusations at you--to keep you off-balance & less apt to look too hard at what she's doing??

You said you 'were moved there'---did someone -make- you move there?
Or was that only under duress of having no other choice you knew of then?
You said you were ill then, causing that---are you still ill?
Are you legally disabled from your illness[s]?
IF so, it might be pretty dicey for them to repeatedly report -you- to APS --since that could back-fire on them [abuse of disabled person?]!

What about in-home care workers for relief?
Have you contacted your nearest Area Agency on Aging, to learn what they might have up their sleeves to help? [[legal help, home health workers, respite workers, resources, counseling, anything?]]

Public Libraries often have free college courses on caregiving, and many other kinds of classes...including psych classes...that count as college credits. Not all libraries have these, but many do.
Libraries also often have lists of resources to help those who might have thot there was nothing.

The more you learn, the more you connect with officials and agencies, the more you know---those things become empowering for you.
It helps them become familiar with you & your circumstances...which can have the effect of being protective for you.
Be friendly & polite towards agencies, workers, officials... Ask questions.
Be interested in learning about them & what they can do for you and your circumstances. It can potentially serve you well.

Is your Sis dependent on living under that roof?
Who owns the house? Who inherits it?
What might happen if =You= suddenly got hospitalized--what would Sis do then, with Mom? Move her to a NH?
What might she do with your child?
IF mom got put in a facility, what would happen to all who are dependent on living under her roof?

It kinda sounds like you & your kid really need to seriously consider other options--like, where might you live, otherwise?
What would that take?
What resources have not been explored yet?
It would literally be protecting you & your child from some pretty bad circumstances that appear to be badly affecting both of you, daily.

Keep records of everything going on there.
Keep it secret from Mom and your Sis--they'd likely go ballistic, if they find records being kept.
Keep those hidden where Sis won't find them--Mom probly will never figure that out.
Records of conversations, behaviors, food/liquid intake, activities, etc. daily things you do for your Mom, noting what, IF anything Sis does for Mom, become records that --help protect you--. Also note if something happened that affected your child.
IF need, it's OK to call 911 to report someone under that roof threatening or abusing you or your child. Every time.

You could also call the sheriff's office, Anonymously, to request a "well-check" by officers, on you or Mom--- the anonymous caller "is concerned for Mom's [OR your], well-being".
An officer comes to the house & checks on things, & is required to document what they find.
If you are having yourself "well-checked" by an -anonymous or other-named person-, the officer would be interviewing you & reporting your condition/circumstances/fears/etc. for their records. The anonymous caller can specify they do not need a report back...they just called to ask that someone check in on your welfare.
More records that substantiate things under that roof...

Your Sis's story, reporting injuries not documented by medical--she didn't call 911 to report you, nor go to the ER or Urgent Care for it, did she?
--that's dicey, if she did.
Further, photos of bruises in her medical records & police records, & documentation of her stories....doesn't make them true--only that she filed a formal complaint.
APS will have records of her complaints on file, & will eventually see the bigger picture of what she's doing--especially if your version of what happened, includes that Sis does this annually to prevent your leaving Mom in her care so you might have a relief vacation.
YOUR side of the story, as well as your daughter's side of the story, count, too--as do any other witnesses you have willing to make a report on your behalf.
YOU need to make sure APS is aware of that, even if it has to be filed as an "amended report".
Amended reports may have time limits:
Any person has legal right to file an amended report on police reports you filed which lack proper information, within a certain number of days after--police hate taking time to do this, but they have to;
I'm not sure what the rules are for APS reports--but you can sure ask 'em!
It is fairly common for police reports to be inadequate & sometimes flagrantly false, related to them being human, too.
That's why it became necessary for laws permitting "amended reports".

It boggles the mind, how on earth you, while ill, had to move there to be in a "safe" place, end up being caretaker to so many?!

Keep us updated!

There are short-term medications to treat combative behavior caused by dementia. If your mother's care is getting outside your comfort zone, consult a physician/neurologist/geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate and help your mother feel better, i.e., by pharmaceutically treating/inhibiting the thoughts that are scaring her to death. (Their fear is very real to them, and it was literally one nightmare after another for my mother.) After her fears are in better control, this will facilitate moving your mother to a nursing home, if necessary. In the meantime and if possible, disconnect/unplug the landline telephone, and use your cell phone. Good luck to you and your mom.

"APS investigates suspicion but they're not out to get you. They're trying to benefit the elder not injure you as long as you're not doing anything untoward. But that doesn't mean you don't want to protect yourself from any allegations your mother may make."

I have found this is *usually* true. Do NOT threaten or become abusive with the APS people, they are only human and wil tend to react negatively. Keep documentation and keep civil, they will usually see through phony complaints. If they don't though, you can be in a lot of trouble and be unable to continue in any kind of caregiving work you might be doing or want to do.

Yes, I guess you could call these things "textbook answers", but they are proven and important tools that may not work today, but may work tomorrow. Don't give up on them and be grateful that it isn't worse with physical combat (unless it is!) where only "Alzheimer's Karate" will solve the immediate issue. In my nearly 30 years of dementia caregiving, (my mother, my mother-in-law, and father-in-law) I think I have a fair understanding of trial and error, pain, and tears. I have also found, however, that a lot can be learned by following internet BLOGs, reading pertinent books, consulting with good neurologists, attending support group meetings, etc. Don't forget there are other important tools as well, such as medications, hiring outside help if at all possible, or trying visits to a daycare facility. Taking care of yourself first is another "textbook answer" that is an absolute necessity! Stress WILL kill us all.

Raven, some people don't have argumentative people to take care of and it is very easy to say, "don't argue", "divert", "words of love", "loving fib", truth is that you are a human being and it can be so overwhelming at times that you can feel that you are existing on another dimension. Truth is till you are smack dab in it, you don't know how it is, I would prefer to get support than a "supposed text book answer." Caregiving is learned the hard old fashioned way, through trial and error, pain and tears.

Daxelson: I did use the word "argument." Diversion does NOT work, we use compassionate fib a lot, and try to use words of love, however these do not always work and maybe I should not have said "argument" but there are extreme temper tantrums that come from Mom that you cannot get away from. I have physically removed myself from the room when being screamed at during a tantrum, I went to my own bedroom and closed the door only to have her rip the door open and come in to finish the verbal abuse. I have been called every name in the book and told to get my a-- out and find another place to stay. My 21 year old daughter has heard this as well and now has depression. I am one of 3 children but I am the only one who can or will take care of her. She becomes so angry that I will not give her back her checkbook that I feel like I'm going crazy. I took POA to keep her estate from continuing to be robbed or her giving away every cent she had to everyone that called on the phone. This is only scratching the surface of what I deal with, so yes I know I should not have used the word "argue" but I also know that your alternatives do not work for everyone either... I have tried and continue to try them every day. Please forgive my choice of words.

Husbands Uncle accused him of stealing his money, because he had money his attorney was willing to change his POA for a charge of course, the new POA was someone he had accused of "trying" to steal money, and the man did try to talk him out of 200,000 dollars, he was honeydewed by a waitress in his facility and gave her tons of money even put her in his will. He had dementia and lewy Alz but that made no difference to any of the people he was able to pay, he ended up dying of this disease within the year and they all act amazed about his demise except the ones who knew and took advantage of him and helped him change his will to their advantage, he threw away long time family and friends and took up with strangers and it is all within the law. My husband now has dementia and he was calling people and telling them I was being mean to him, I took away his cell phone and got rid of mine also. It's hard for him to understand sometimes that I do the best I can when it seems an impossible task. Good luck!

I hope I misunderstood the comments re: arguing with the person with dementia and or :standing your ground" in caregiving. NEVER fight or argue with a PWD. YOU CAN'T WIN!! Better to use those most important caregiving tools - Diversion, the "compassionate fib" , and expressions of love!!

Raven, don't go into hyperdrive. You are driving yourself crazy with the what ifs here, the whole point is to be careful and reasonable. Now you know what can possibly happen with those with dementia/mental illnesses, you are forearmed. Just make sure that the house is reasonably safe and secure, that your mother is safe and secure, that she eats and sees the doctor with any concerns you or she has. I refuse to be beaten down by my mother's irrational behaviour. Reasonable is the key word. Get the legals taken care of and if this is too much move out and take care of yourself.

Chimonger: Thank you for your response. Everyone seemed to have so much more information to offer than I had ever thought of having to think about or do. I thought OMG what have I done, I am now in a situation that I care for my mother very well but I evidently do not have a clue as to what I should be doing.

I was moved into my mothers house with my child in 1997 because I was ill and I have been here since. I have cared for 4 relatives since about 2003 who all passed away from old age or illness but Mom is the only one with a mental illness. To think about even trying to "adult proof" this house is frightening at the least as she has lived here 53 years and has many "treasures," that must be kept exactly where they are. I do have to admit that we have managed to sneak out a few things but it is amazing what she will catch, just when you think you can get away with tossing something.

I know that you basically have to "pull on your big girl panties" and be prepared for an argument and also hold your ground when it comes to them wanting their way. It has just caused so many arguments and upheavals within the household that my daughter is now going through depression and told my sister and I that Mom "was killing us all!" We were in shock that she said it, but it is nothing we all have not felt.

Mom doesn't drive and hasn't even tried to in many years but we do have a board with keys in the kitchen although she doesn't know what they go to. I took away the checkbook over a year ago because she would hide it then yell at me wanting to know where it was so, after several rounds of searching every corner of the house, when I found it, it was taken. I cannot tell you how many arguments ensue over her not having this checkbook and checks. I have given her a copy of the register that I keep up to date, but that is not good enough SHE WANTS THE CHECKS AND CHECKBOOK! Holding your ground is beating the heck out of me! She realizes what a real checkbook is and is not so there is no fooling her. Money is another thing, she wants her $50 at the beginning of each month that she has taken out for years, where it goes I do not know as she hides it in old cards envelopes, you name it.

For the most part I think that I stay pretty much on top of what does need to be done, but I have never kept a log on her behavior or foods and liquids eaten. I did go out today and buy a daily planner that I hope to be able to use to keep track.

You mentioned social workers but I have heard others say not to bring them in or get them involved because they can lead to trouble if you have someone who is over zealous. I have also read stories here from people who contact Alzheimer's groups and had APS sitting on their doorstep the next morning, so I have just been doing the best I can and not becoming involved with anyone other than my own therapist who comes once a week.

Part of my problem is that I have an older sister who lives with us but is not really involved with Mom's care. She works but stays gone til all hours of the evening so she doesn't have to be here and involved. This same sister turned me in to APS falsely, not for anything I did to Mom, but she said I had abused HER and made bruises and scratches on her arms. The social worker assigned to her had her fill out a complaint and brought it to our house for her to sign and she did. APS showed up about 6 wks later and interviewed me asking for my side of the story and I was in shock! I had an argument with her but had not done any of the things she had accused me of. What she forgot, was that our 16 year old niece was sitting right there and saw the entire thing and knew I was innocent. I told the APS worker I was innocent and gave a written statement, I then asked her if she wanted to speak to my niece who was sitting feet away and knew everything that had happened and I gave her name and phone number. They never called my niece and spoke to her and I was never notified that it was dropped. Nothing was done to my sister either for filing a false claim!

APS comes in and are of course very serious and intimidating. I was livid and scared all at the same time so I really did not know how I was going to come off to them, but I knew I was innocent. My sister does this every single year right at the time I am suppose to go on vacation.....without fail.

So not only am I dealing with a mentally ill Mom I am dealing with a sister who loves to cause me misery at every turn and is willing to lie about me to the point of potentially having me thrown in jail.

I feel like I am sitting under a microscope being watched constantly so I can be prosecuted for anything that I might forget or not know I need to be doing......so when I read everything you had all written I thought OMG what else am I suppose to be doing!!!!!!!!!!!

I will begin the log and possibly call to find out about classes via internet or in their facilities. I cannot go off an leave Mom alone however so I will have to work out something.

Thank you for your information, the log is not something I would have thought of.

Dear Raven,

Plenty of us who post or lurk on here, totally understand waht a demented elder can do--sometimes it's really over the top.

Information comes as we troddle along.
I never learned of Aging Care until well after my Mom moved out of our place--leaving us devastated in many ways.
Even with my training, knowledge, experience, I was unable to deal with her effectively---I barely made it out alive, after 6 years of her here.
It's taken every bit of 2 years to get to the point of actually feeling a bit better, for a few days here and there. Things got pretty epic, too often. She did devolve into her physically abusing me; since she was the "frail elder", a caregiver cannot do anything that might appear to be "fighting back". I got lucky--someone came in the door, diverted her long enuf for me to get away.

I don't think anyone is ever well prepared for elder care--it's really hard.
Even with specific training, it's hard.

Stuff I post is based on knowledge I already had, as well as stuff I've learned, trying to do what was needed; and after, when trying to figure out what went haywire, what to do differently if I ever end up caretaking again, etc....
It's caused us to really start thinking about putting our ducks in a row, farther ahead of need....
It seems the worst troubles come, when unprepared--and really, one can never be prepared enough, maybe. Sometimes, there's just no way to prepare.

While it's different for everyone, there are commonalities.

You can't force anyone to eat or drink...but you can put it there for them, or help them a bit, to see if they'll take some if assisted to do so.
Then CHART it...[make notes about refusals and all kinds of things on a daily basis]--calendar posts or notebook posts..
Nurses have to chart what's been done, each shift, how the patient is doing--you can do the same.
It's just smart to keep brief notes [sometimes detailed ones, if her behaviors go epic] on how things are, daily.

Confused elders can get into things similar to little kids.
If you don't trust a little kid with the stuff accessible in cupboards and areas, confused elders aren't safe with that either.

Laws can be UNhelpful, sometimes....people who refuse meds, refuse to bathe, refuse to go to a Dr. appt., ---you might need help to achieve the goal....or, you might sometimes have to chart that in your notebook or calendar, that she refuses--you tried what measures to get her to do it, and she still refused--chart that.
Call the Doc, tell them you are unable to get her out of the house. Ask if they have suggestions. Maybe call in advance, to let them know--tell them you are doing everything you can, but she may just dig in her heels. [[If she were in a nursing home, the Doc makes rounds there]]
What arrangements would the Dr. make, to do minimal house calls?
==If it's an emergency [maybe, an infection?], would Mom get embarrassed enuf at the thought of having to call the Ambulance, that she'd get in the car to willingly go?
Meds that get refused--chart that!
But first, try to see if she will take them if they are crushed up in applesauce?

What if, for necessary appointments, talk her into a happier outing--someplace she wants to go, someone she wants to visit?
----with her short memory, having the drive end up at the Dr.s instead, might work easier?

With diagnosed dementia, what is she still doing with car keys, check books, etc.?
She may really amp up her yelling and arguments, but, someone is gonna have to remove stuff like those from her--before she causes some real damage!

Uncle took Gma to get her license renewed--he'd told her it was due again, and she was unable to tell the difference....he called DMV and told them she was coming in, and to make sure she flunked, so they could take her license
....she managed to pass the written, but they flunked her hands-on test.
PERFECT! That way, she could yell at the DMV all day long, instead of my uncle for taking her license. It worked.

If your Mom;s keys and checkbook "get lost", or, maybe the bank recalled them for being defective, and new ones are not in yet....

She could have a few dollars in her pocket---but if she is allowed to carry around larger amounts, it's looking for trouble.

It's really tough to take away someone's freedoms like that.
...the person will really get nasty mad, and may get violent.
Call 911 if that happens--report it.
==Better yet, call the Sheriff's office in advance: tell them you are faced with taking away your Mom's keys, license, checkbook, and restricting money she can carry, due to her dementia, and you need help doing it
....the Sheriff's office does "well-checks" for vulnerable people--maybe they might make a date to come to your house, to help that process
--or at least take a report that this might cause Mom to go ballistic, and she might be calling in false reports of abuse and theft....that way they are aware.

Let your neighbors know what condition your Mom is in.
Chat with them of it.
Maybe introduce them to Mom.
Warn them she might yell when she gets angry--apologize if it is scary to children, but it can't be helped.
DON'T let her temper and yelling intimidate you.
The more a demented elder loses autonomy, the greater they are likely to raise the roof, trying to intimidate caregivers....as soon as they learn the caregiver is NOT backing down to them, the less they will act out--hopefully.

Assuming you keep a fairly orderly home, and that your Mom has access to food, water, transportation as needed, etc. reasonable things,
you should be fine.
Talk with neighbors, apologize for your Mom's tempers, and explain she has dementia and can't help it. When she starts yelling, they will know what's going on.

You can call your nearest Area Agency on Aging, and ask if there are Caregiver classes you could take, or, if there is stuff like that online you can study, to make sure you are covering your bases.
That Agency is very helpful, lots of information, can refer you to others who can help, too.
Could spend a bit of observation time in a local nursing home, to observe how they do things?

Your taking the effort to seek classes on it, seek help from the Agency, Social Services, etc., helps them get to know you
---the more often you talk with some of them, the more they are familiar with your attempts to do the best for your Mom.
You could even schedule Social Workers to come help do a home evaluation.
...they can suggest things you can do, or change, can get a good look at Mom's behaviors, etc.
All that becomes record.

The more they see evidence of her behaviors, the more they see you doing everything you can to provide the best care, the less likely they are to pursue anyone's complaints of 'mistreatment'.

Dealing with threats of APS, when one is barely hanging on to their wits while dealing with a raging elder, can be -really- tense.
It doesn't have to be.

APS & CPS are supposed to look for documentable neglect and abuse.
They are not even looking for most messes--they know messes happen--but there's a difference between "messes" and "filth".
If an elder has bruises, a certain amount of those are ignored, too--fragile skin, or meds that thin blood, cause bruises too--those can't be helped.

Your taking preventative steps in advance, is the best.
Laws protecting Caregivers from abusive elders, simply don't seem to exist.
The best we can do, is make the situation known, document everything, and keep Agencies and Systems well-aware. That seems to do the most to diffuse reports of abuse.

I've been threatened: at one point, I was about to just call them come take her--it was that bad. They'd said they couldn't do anything to protect me from her--but they could and would protect her from me--the tone of voice was every bit a threat.
Her behaviors seemed overwhelmingly worse than what the State might try to do to me---luckily, I didn't have to resort to that. But it was tempting!
Thankfully, relatives came and hauled her out of here---an ugly piece of work, but it saved my life.

Each story is different. Each has their own limits. We all must learn, sometime, what our limits are, what we can do to protect ourselves, and how to help ourselves keep on a more even keel in the face of some pretty dire things.

This site is great for that. I think everyone on here has gone thru some pretty difficult caregiving, or are still.
Keep reading thru things on the various pages.
You'll pick up many bits of good information, great support from those who've been going thru it, too.
You're not alone....it just might feel like it though. This site can help with that, too.

Please keep us posted how you are doing, Raven.
You can start your own threads here, too....if you have questions, need morale support. We can't send money, can't come to visit--but we can post {{{{hugs}}}, can post supportive words and information...
And we keep coming back, waiting to hear how others going thru he!!, are doing.

Geez the more I read all this the worse it sounds and makes you not even want to be a caregiver. This is all so frightening that you can be the best person for the job and yet APS can pounce in at any time for anything and before you know it you could be sitting in jail for elder abuse.

I need to ask someone to PLEASE tell me how you found out all this information about what you MUST do, and what you CANNOT do. I consider myself to be somewhat intelligent or savvy but never did I think about removing all cleaning agents from the house or laundry aids, never have removed rugs, she gets ticked if they are not down. How do I force her to drink and be hydrated if she has never drank much water or juice for my last 60 years? How do you force them to eat when they eat a few bites and say they are too full and don't want anymore and get ticked and yell at you if you try to get them to take Megace to increase their appetite? How do I get her to shower more than once a week or wash her hair when she flat out refuses and yells at you to get your a-s out of HER house? How do you force her to go to the doctor when she flat out refuses and throws a fit and you basically would need a second person to drag her there?

I do consider myself to be a good care giver and I have cared for several relatives over the years but this is my last one, my mother. She is probably considered to have moderate dementia, she is still able to take care of her personal needs and works out in the yard some but is gradually becoming more tired. Her memory for facts is about 15 minutes, she weighs about 95 pounds, has a will of iron, will tell you to go to he__, in a blink of an eye. She is strong willed and opinionated to say the very least. She is constantly misplacing things, or hiding things like the checkbook or keys or money.

If I tried to make my mother do some of the things that have been mentioned she would raise the roof and the neighbors would probably be calling the cops and I would be carried off for elder abuse and be sitting in jail saying, but gee I was told I had to keep her hydrated, feed her more food, remove all rugs, make sure she sees her doctor regularly....I wasn't abusing her! I can honestly hear it ringing in my ears. I am not trying to be a smart a--, I am really concerned that I am stuck in this caregiving and I have a parent demanding one thing and the threat of APS on the other side and I too need to know HOW DO I PROTECT MYSELF AGAINST BEING FALSELY ACCUSED OF ELDER ABUSE?

The one thing I do have in my favor is that I do not even have the number for APS nor does my mother. Even if she did she wouldn't call them probably for fear that if I am gone she will go to a NH but due to the 15 minute memory for facts I doubt that she would even know anything about them.

I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IT IF SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME WHAT THE STANDARDS ARE FOR CARE FOR THE ELDERLY BECAUSE I WANT TO ADHERE TO THEM....I LOVE MY MOM BUT NOT ENOUGH TO GO TO JAIL FOR SOMETHING CONSIDERED TO BE ABUSE THAT I WAS NOT AWARE OF.

Unless you live this life as a care giver to a person with dementia or Alzheimer's you have absolutely NO IDEA what these people are capable of doing OR NOT DOING, and this is the way they want it and if you try to change it, be prepared for all he-- to break loose!

all my fantasies seem to end up with someone being bitten on the ass. its trippy really..

i proactively called the county sheriff office and asked that a notation be made concerning our household. mom is late stage dementia and i told them if she called up with a cock and bull story, feel free to check on us but you wont necessarily need a swat team. a person could be killed by police in their own bedroom if the cops are full of bunk , intruder like misinformation.
as far as aps, i havent found them to be overreactive at all. dont let paranoia eat you up. aps has seen it all. theyve heard it all. answer their questions with an air of self confidence. they were nice to me. id like to bite the younger one on the ass. i always wondered if women could sense that desire despite the visit being so formal and unrehearsed....

I agree, there are lots of NH that take combative residents. What they do is give them meds to calm them down. I think that is best place for her.

It's kind of hard to tell if you'd really rather Mom got admitted to a facility that can better handle her behaviors, & give yourself a well-deserved break from dealing with those behaviors, or, if you really prefer to keep her under your roof?

Are there any Alzheimer's Care units anywhere near, or even sorta near?
Those should accept her behaviors, even if she gets combative.
They are trained to deal with that.

Caregivers have a tough time protecting themselves.
Legally, there are no real protections for Caregivers.
As stated above, some Counties handle things better than others, but no matter what, APS and CPS tend to go off half-cocked first, and ask questions later
--it's their job..
But some little things might help....

1. Make notations on a calendar about her activities, what she says, combative episodes, etc.---your calendar, used for daily notation of her behaviors, her care, whether she goes out of her room, if she refused to come for a ride to get out of the house....everything....becomes court-acceptable documentation. ==You can get composition books to make "diary entries"--kinda like if you were writing notes on her care as if you were a paid nurse
....input, output, poops, behaviors, baths, what she says, meds taken, hours of sleep, bed changes, turns, transfers from bed to chair, how much physical effort it takes to make those transfers, what assistive devices need used, etc....

2. Any time its necessary to call for help when she's combative, abusive, etc., do it--call 911: report if she's having behaviors that prevent her being accepted into a nursing home. ALL 911 calls must be on the record.
These show a trail of her behaviors being reported.

3. Have Doctor records of all her Diagnoses [DX].
Keep copies of every legal paper, billing, etc. you have handled for her.
Have a copy of your POA easily on hand.

4. You can call Social Services before she does;
Have them come to your place to do an "in home evaluation":
This is to check if you might be able to get more in-home assistance for her care, or for Mom-sitting while you run needed errands.....
OR, maybe to see if Mom has gotten worse,
OR at least try seeing her behaviors for themselves;
....they may not see them: they only stay for about 2 hours, at most
....but they might see her behaviors.
OR, you can simply call them & offer to send them permission to see her medical records showing diagnosis of her dementia, & maybe notes about her behaviors on file....

5. OR...you can let APS come into your house to check on her after she calls them to come.
IF they get huffy or threatening, you MIGHT want to CONSIDER letting them take her to a nursing home--it's up to you--it depends on how you are doing managing with her under your roof so far.

You can answer their threats with:
=="I've been trying unsuccessfully for [how long?] to find a competent care facility for her, due to her behaviors. I will continue to take care of legal decisions for her. Maybe you'll have better luck finding a place that will accept her behaviors and take her in." ==
IF they take her out your door, have her transported anywhere for evaluation, THEY are now responsible for her physical care.
IF they push a complaint or case against you, they may also take over as her POA.
Too often, when a State Action is initiated, they just keep their balls rolling, leaving trails of damages behind them.
If they take her away from you, they'll likely take the POA too...but then they'll probly try to give her back to you when they learn how she is, & they'll keep the POA, making things real difficult...all sorts of machinations that make difficulties worse. It might depend on how full local nursing homes are.

SOME Systems have been known to try transporting unsavory Elders across State Lines--I think that's illegal, but not sure.

Suffice to say--if they take her out of your home, you might want to make sure they keep her, by refusing to allow her to re-enter your home.
You can lobby for visitation rights....which they may or not allow---it depends on what they "find".

==BUT...you should know:
It's doubtful they'd take anyone anywhere, unless there are clear signs of abuse/neglect.
When a person requires heavy care, is combative or problematically mentally ill, Systems REALLY try to avoid picking those up.
There simply are too few resources to manage care for anyone who's too difficult.
Bed-space in facilities is hard to get, most of the time, in most areas.
IF the person is also a Welfare recipient, bed-space is even more scarce.

The more reports they check out that show Mom's calls are flaky, the more apt they are to start ignoring her calls.
You know--it's "the little boy who cried wolf", one too many times...

Keep covering your behind with daily documentations on a calendar or in a notebook; =keep ahead of her games= by you making calls to the same agencies, to ask questions periodically; report your concerns about her dementia needing more in-home care help.
Talk about her behaviors to her Docs too--they're required to write down the calls to their office, to document your concerns--if they don't, its bad on them..

Keeping home & care decent & documented is what saves your behind.
You should have nothing to fear--even though APS and Social Workers can talk fearsome.

Just a note, my situation is different than most but my mother's doctor had no clue she had dementia, just old age, okay then. Her neighbours thought it was old age and had no idea what she was doing on her own. She was excellent with showtimers, put on a great act for them, but I was the one who saw the eggs under the pillows, the potatoes in the freezer, the mayhem, and the hoard. Forewarned is forearmed.

- As others have said this is a very tenuous situation for you as any agency investigating will have the mindset of siding with the elderly. You must proactively protect yourself with various agencies.

- Very important to have support of your mother's primary care doctor who is aware of her condition and have knowledge of your efforts in caring for her. Doctor may provide helpful advice along with her official diagnosis plus that from specialist involved, as to your mom's condition plus tendencies.

- Neighbors are a good resource as to being able to vouch for the care you provide and you need to make them aware so they are not falsely alarmed should your mom acts out.

- Should your mom dial 911 or somehow get police involved (via social services or other agencies she calls to complain), I have been told by police that they may have no recourse but make an arrest first and up to individual to prove innocence incurring lawyer/court costs, embarrassment, and so forth.

- Which is why my neighbor (ex police officers) directed me to immediately file non-emergency police report to let them know elderly's behavior of filing false accusation when not getting their way. Officer will be sent out to make inspection/report, so good to show dementia diagnosis from doctor and proof of care provided. Thus, if/when your mom inadvertently or otherwise involve police, you are covered.

- Ask local Alzheimer's caregiver support groups/agencies on how to properly proactively approach social services, Elderly Protective Services, and other local agencies to explain elderly's combative and false reporting behaviors. NOTE: Important as you need to be aware that it may be opening a can of worms for yourself if not properly prepared to prove adequate care being provided and so forth.

Was very traumatized by the experience as to how vulnerably exposed caregivers are when elderly with dementia or otherwise cries wolf. So do take the time to carefully go through the info by respondents to help you put together action plan to protect yourself when your mother acts out.

Hope this helps and Best Wishes to all us caregivers...

Protect your own sanity and reputation first.

I am surprised to hear that your mother "is not nursing home material because she is too combative". Where would she live if there weren't someone to take care of her at home? In that situation, they would have to have her in some kind of residential placement. Nursing homes (like psych wards in mental hospitals) often heavily sedate patients who are physically combative but they have to care for these patients somehow, particularly if there isn't family willing and/or able to do it at home. In your situation, I would not hesitate to find residential placement for my mother because I would not subject myself to that kind of bullying and blackmail if there were any other options.

WATCH OUT!! The unfortunate truth is that APS "investigators" are laymen that don't know or recognize dementia. I think that they really think they are doing "good" for the community while wreaking havoc in the caregiving community. They WILL try to prosecute you for elder abuse - they WILL ignore any POA. Please seek advice from a criminal attorney (elder law attorneys fear these idiots even more than caregivers do). Keep an accurate diary, report your mom's actions to her neurologist, seek out witnesses and keep them informed. Ask family members to help if possible. Do NOT allow these folks into your home to "interview" you or your mother without a warrant (don't leave her in the care of a non-trusted individual (such as an in-home caregiving service or the like as they will likely be working closely with APS behind your back). Best of luck to you in the future - stay strong - this too may pass!

We worried about this when my Dad was still at home with his dementia. My parents were fighting, yelling and neighbors were concerned. I called APS once myself, as I lived out of town and was concerned about them. What I learned is that if you have an eldercare case manager and/or a minimal plan with a home care agency, you will be able to show that professionals are involved and APS will not likely take any action if they are called. And, a big thing, the person with dementia cannot be left home alone for any length of time, legally, so a home care aide coming even for 2-3 hours a week, for time that you use for respite, or to shop for groceries or your own care, is a good safeguard. Once you have a minimal plan set up with them, it is also very easy to add on hours, as the situation requires it. An eldercare attorney or case manager can also help you see how you can pay for these services or help assess when 'being at home' will no longer be enough good care. My situation has been difficult being not in the same town, and I could not have gotten through the past year without my attorney and the case manager that comes with the eldercare program that his office has. They have a financial benefits person who is helping with all the qualifications and applications for Medicaid and VA long term care benefits. They know so much that I would never know....or know how to navigate through the applications.

As long as you are calm and not defensive when social services arrives, they will hopefully be able to correctly assess the situation. They may check the patient for any signs of physical injury but it should be obvious to them that this is not an abuse situation. Has your aunt had an evaluation that indicates in writing that she is combative and prone to making unfounded complaints? If so, trot that out - you might even want to have copies so that you can give them one. Once they see a pattern with these calls, they will know as soon as they hear from her what is likely to be going on. My sympathies for your situation - it sounds awful.

corrections... sorry in advance for any confusion as my Android voice activation often gets it wrong.

weren't true THAT mom
would you want to have HER AT home with you

wherewithal that you leave HER home alone WHERE she would need it
set it up facing A CHAIR that your mom likes to sit in

My AUNT had alcohol dementia
enjoyable time and ADMITTING her bad behavior
remove her from your house AND FORCE HER to be in a facility

a good response AND a good conversation out of that
you SHOW that to social services

ive only dealt with aps one time. i was polite but quite unwavering in my resolve and replies to their questions. had i been weak or indecisive i believe they would have punked me around a bit. their strategy is to keep you nervous. you wont try anything unethical if your a nervous wreck already. its a cruel strategy that adds panic and burden to an already stressed caregiver. your job is to protect the elder , even from aps.. stand up to them, then they know the elder is in firm hands.

momhouseme's information is all very good but I had a different take on the meaning of your question so let me address it from my perspective.

First if all, if it weren't true fat mom wasn't nursing home material, would you want to have a ride home with you? It's fine if you do but I asked the question because there's no such thing as "not nursing home material" because someone is combative. There are licensed, locked Alzheimers, dementia or memory care facilities that take people just like your mother. The workers there know how to handle them and if they are two out of line, the doctors prescribe medication to calm them down. I'm going to address the rest of the issues as if this question is answered that, at least for now, you WANT to keep mom home with you.

APS is charged with the responsibility of investigating ANY reports of senior abuse, usually referred by a mandated reporter such as a doctor, psychologist, nurse or other hospital worker, just about anybody if they know who you are and they're suspicious, or as in your moms case, the person herself. How advanced is her dementia if she can use the telephone. My mom couldn't for a very long time, she lost the ability to figure out the electronics of the buttons (hint: remove the phone). Or does she still have enough wherewithal that you leave for home alone or she would need it? Just things ti consider.

APS investigates suspicion but they're not out to get you. They're trying to benefit the elder not injure you as long as you're not doing anything untoward. But that doesn't mean you don't want to protect yourself from any allegations your mother may make. So you don't need to protect yourself as much from "those people" as you do from your mom.

I did a little research barely over a week ago because I have recommended nanny cams, nanny cams, nanny cams. I found you can get a mini alarm clock nanny cam for about $65; there's something extra called an SD card they said you needed that I don't know how much that is. it can be set on continuous recording or motion sensing recording. I would suggest you get one of these, set it up facing sure that your mom likes to sit in, sit off to the side making sure you're not blocking the view, and when she's in a good mood, engage her in a friendly conversation and eventually ask her about why she gets mad at you enough to call social services. My and had alcohol dementia and she could get downright nasty sometimes but when she was in a good mood we would talk about it and she laugh about when she was being nasty, she thought it was funny and she knew she was doing it to get her way. Of course you want your nanny cam "evidence" to be just right so you won't really be trying to record her in the beginning when she's in a snit. After you get some good stuff supportive of you, showing that she's having an enjoyable time and it made it to her bad behavior, you can then record some snits. Off camera, after you've done this, you might also begin to inform her that as much as you like her to stay with you, if she continues to call and falsely accuse you, "they" are going to remove her from your house enforcer to be in a facility, is that what you want mom, etc.?

If you get a good response in a good conversation out of that, you can have it again a couple of days later and getting her to admit on camera that she called falsely. THAT is how to protect yourself from mom. You shiw that to social services, APS, the doctor or the police and you're covered.

When you say you have full POA, I infer that you mean you have both the general durable power of attorney, GDPOA, for financial matters, and the durable power of attorney for healthcare, DPOAHC, for her medical needs, and that these were set up prior to her dementia or in the very early stages, right?

That's good but meaningless if somebody decides you ARE abusing her, they are required to take you to court and a judge will set aside your POAs, appoint another family member or a public guardian. Good reason to protect yourself.

Oh boy, I can relate, you have to cover your butt, been through the wringer on this one. My mother is very nasty when she does not have her way. She can be sweet as pie, but if you aren't doing what she wants when she wants, then she pulls out the arsenal. She literally does things that she knows have aggravated me at one time or another to get a reaction, I of course TRY to bite my tongue to try not to get that knee jerk reaction, this incites her more till she gets a reaction. This is a real issue with her, a personality disorder perhaps, a definite exhibition of my mother's younger personality, but now she can't bully me physically so it is without the power in back of it, this is particularly her issue, she does not like the loss of power or independence. She will do whatever she can to get even, and is quite vindictive. Now there are those who say she can't possibly be this way, well let me tell you she is moderate cognitive decline and sure I see her cognitive decline, but I also am amazed at how sneaky she is and how she sets up things. She can remember fine some things, other times when she is unbearable it is the ole, well I don't know what I am saying thing. Her Geriatrician affirms me and says to go with the flow, he says dementias present differently in everyone and some things do not get involved, for now this is her. She involved me early in the game after moving from USA to another country to take care of her with both the Garda and Adult Protective Services. She thought it was funny that they came to the house after she locked herself out and I didn't get to the door to get her back in fast enough. She had been complaining to the neighbors that I was hitting her, keeping her prisoner, not feeding her???????????????????????????????????????What the hell. Well after detainment at station since I did not have a lease or was not on the deed of house that she wanted me out of the house, in her words, "I don't want you anymore, get out of here, and give her a good thumping" Nice hey, loving mother hey. Smirking at the thought of me getting a beating from Garda. At station and night in shelter and then my mother being carted off to a respite center, I saw just how ugly this all can be. They wanted to keep my mother and put her in a nursing home. I moved heaven and earth, got her out of there and then after they were saying she had dementia/alzheimers and could not be alone, I went to work. I got the lawyer that did her will, Ireland is different than USA, but I got the specialist and doctors to put in writing that she could indeed understand her finances, and I got POA, and have an Enduring Power of Attny, in the wings for the time when they do put in writing that she is incompetent and then it goes to court to be registered. This will be nursing time home for her then. I told her as she claimed that she never said anything to anyone, that she didn't know what she was saying, that she never had no one call the Garda, that she did not remember the two months in respite. I told her, this is it, if you ever put me in peril again, I am gone, do you understand, she looked me square in the eye and said she did, no more bullshit from her, just the occasional regular spiteful stuff when she wants me to be with her night and day. But she does the occasional garbage, she said to me the other day when I was doing online banking that if I did not come in and sit and watch tv with her she would tell them at the Adult day center that I don't feed her, and that would fix me ARRRRGGGGG, emotional blackmail, and abuse. I told her you tell them what you want, you will have someone else to take care of you and that is fine with me, if that is what you want. The water works comes on, she is petulant and I am so sorry I got myself in this. Why is it that the person who cares for the elder can be threatened with this garbage, I know it exists blah blah blah, but I don't have a life anymore, now I am confined with Mommie Dearest. So, to make a long story short, cover your ass anyway you can. I got a right of residence also put on this house deed, no more overnights in a homeless shelter thank you. In other words get the word out there.