Anyone question why we have to suffer?

Maryann! Perhaps your husband will catch a break! However bleak the moment, nothing is impossible! Belive in a miracle for what we belive we receive! Hope the best for him and try to remain positive! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I'm sure everyone posting will as well!

I do gave good memories of my parents, I am lucky to have had them healthy until this past year, more sad for my husband, he is only 53, wish he could catch a break!!

Golf I am glad you have good past memories to look back on -many of us did not ever have good memories of one or both parents. God answers prayers in his own time which is different then waat we would like-he never promised us a wonderlife but he would see us through whatever we are going through and for a lot of us are rewards will be in heaven and we will be judged as those who are mean to us will be also.

For me, the answer is to look back over my life and then I am able to see the times that God has actually been there for me and has pulled me through my crisis. At the time it was not easy for me to see but looking back on it, it becomes very clear.

My father suffered terribly and died from lung cancer at age 71. There were times during his illness that all I could do was fall on my knees and ask God to take him. He lingered and suffered for three years. When he passed I could not cry as I was glad to see he was a peace and no longer in pain. I believe God had a better plan for him.

Currently, my husband's sister is in a home at 54 years old. She has multiple sclerosis and cannot scratch her nose, completely invalid. I have no answers other that sometimes I think this is actually hell - then God takes us to heaven! I have to believe that there is something better after this life. If I didn't believe that there would be no reason to hang on. I am not a religious person but I'm trying to be a spiritual person. Not so sure I'm very good at it. However, I do believe in a power greater than myself. I do believe there is a reason and a season. Life is no an easy road and growing older is not for sissies. I think one's attitude can influence the degree of suffering. Suffering is part of life. Too, we cannot look to others and compare ourselves to them and how easy their life my seem to us. We will always fail when we take that road. Everyone else always seems happier than we are!!!! Whenever I've compared myself to others and always I've been the loser!

Perhaps God allows us to suffer so that we can turn our stubborn self will over and allow him to guide our paths. I just don't know the answer. I do know that there is much suffering in this life, not only with illness, aging parents, spouses, etc. but their are other problems that many have suffered with finances, children, divorce, addictions, etc. Suffering seems to be the common denominator of the human race. Therefore, it must serve some purpose.

Finally, all I can add is simply try counting your blessings. Make a gratitude list of things you are thankful for. It may be just one thing but focusing on that one thing will allow it to grow into more. Everyone always has something to be grateful for. For me, it is my little dog. She is the hightlight of my day. I can't imagine life without her. She is truly a gift!

Also, admitting our powerlessness is very comforting. In any 12-step program the first step is to admit that we are powerless in a particular situation, whether it be illness, addiction, etc. Our lives have become unmanageable. Then we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us. Sometimes we hang in there by the skin of our teeth but we ask for his will not ours be done! Then we turn our lives over and let him be in charge! It may not be what we want - but it will be better than we have now! We just have to let him run the ship his way.

Finally, whatever we are going through will not last forever. "This too shall pass." Every crises in one's life passes. The end result will perhaps not be what we want, but will be what we must accept!

I'm a member of this group as my mom (90) fell and broke her leg and hip. I visit her daily trying to bring some form of enjoyment to her but my company and my efforts go unnoticed. She is all I have as far as family. I hate to give her up as for many years we were very close. Not so much as she aged! I find myself looking back to the years when we had so much enjoyment and it's so sad. I thank God that I had her for all those years when I needed her. She's done the best that she could do and I'll always love her regardless.

I hope this post has helped someone.

Dwtp - I am sooo sorry - you are such a wonderful, caring and selfless person; my heart goes out to you and Judy. I do undertand how you feel. I guess I always have to hang in for at least God to be there for me; even though at so many times I feel helpless and alone. The reasons and answers to all this is such an enigma. Why our parents suffer, why we suffer, and yes I agree with Judy, it is difficult to watch others go on with their lives without this burden and it is a burden. Guess it is easy to say pray for guidance - as I did. Guess it is the only thing I could ever hang onto. I suffer with chronic debilitating pain just about every day and to be honest I am still waiting for those prayers of healing to be answered. It made caretaking almost unbearable when my honory MIL lived with us and I was her caretaker. And even now, when my mother is in a nursing home with virtually no "pain" being waited on hand and foot - does have mental problems and dementia, but "who doesn't". She will see me and tell me how tired I look and when I tell her I have chronic pain and the two hours drive to visit her is becoming excruciating at times, she says "can we go shopping".
Really????? So, yes it is a huge burden even in the nursing home, for me anyway; as I deal with chronic pain which has worsened (don't know if that is proper English, lol). by dealing with narcissistic mother living 2 hours away.

Who knows why it goes on for some of us; but I have to keep my faith or I feel I have nothing. Guess I had to respond to the post that said all this makes you the best person you can be and it is not a burden, but an opportunity. Well, at times all this has brought out the worst in me and a huge burden at times, when like everyone else, we have enough to deal with and I had always been a very caring and loving person, but dealing with the elderly care is huge; and the only comfort I get is knowing God knows my plight and I am trying my very best. I still pray for guidance - sometimes it is a long time coming. Take care and my prayer is for all of us to find some peace and happiness in the long run.

There comes a time when they need to be placed-the caregiver usually knows this first-with me My counsulor said I had to resue myself and not expect others to do it-I decided I could no longer take care of him and said that at a family meeting and all the staff and everyone except him said of course you can't-a lot had to do with his attitude and behaivor towards me and when he said he would be placed -he was in rehab for the 16th time within 6 or 7 years-I told him it was no longer his choice-he chose to treat me badly and I was not taking it anymore- for those who working so hard and not going anywhere think about how you can rescue yourself and consider placement-you will still have a role in their care but will not be down troddend.

Maryann, I am right there with you. I am really struggling with God and why He is doing this to my father who has been one of the best men and Christian men I have ever known. What he has suffered the last four or five years is devastating and demeaning. He cannot walk, he cannot dress himself, he cannot clean himself after going to the toilet. This is a man who has gone to church, tithed, been a member of Gideons, brought Bibles to prisons, schools, etc., taught Sunday School, and I am so angry with God for turning this strong, good man into this sad, pathetic creature. I don't know why he has to suffer like he has. It seems very unfair to him.

And my mother is not in good shape either. She is really hard to deal with. I have never been particularly close to them -- I just live close to them. So I am the one who takes care of everyone since I am the one without a job. I have cared for my own kids, my nieces, my parents. I have been totally selfless for the last 25 years of my life to a great detriment to myself. I don't understand what I have done to deserve to be put into the position of having to be the one who is not allowed to have any life except to give it to service of others. When will it end? I feel like as a person, I mean nothing except for what I do for others. Like I am not at all important -- everyone else is and I am just supposed to facilitate others getting what they want while I have nothing.

I don't know why God is allowing this to happen to my father or to me. I have long since given up on Him. He brings me no peace, He brings me no comfort, He provides no support, He gives me no answers. I feel like I don't mean anything to Him just like everyone else. I have prayed and pleaded and begged to no avail. I have prayed for guidance like 3pinkroses said and have gotten none.

I don't know why He is allowing this, but I too am angry -- most of the time. I know it is not good to feel like that, but I don't know how to feel otherwise when nothing ever changes and every step I think I am taking to lighten my burden does no good and the burden only gets heavier.

I wonder this same thing all of the time. Where's the justice in it? Why do some truly evil people run around healthy and seemingly happy with great lives and lots of money while good people suffer? My brother broke his neck in a car accident 32 years ago when he was 27. He can only partially move one arm, not the hand. He's suffered so much for so many years. His life could have been so full instead of the paralyzed hell that its been. Amazing man. Positive, funny, handsome, smart. An inspiration to anyone who meets him. Never has had a mean bone in his body. Smiles through the pain, and he's deteriorating and in horrible pain. His wife left him after he broke his neck. Never had children. How has this life been an opportunity to him? Its been pure hell. Someone told me to read When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Haven't yet.

Maryann, my heart goes out to you and think many of us have struggled with the same questions. I don't know how it can be said that it is not a burden as stated above; of course it is. When we watch our loved ones suffer and deteriorate before our eyes and we carry the "burden" of caretaking; it does take its toll. Being Catholic I was taught "our cross to bear" and I do believe this. However, that does not make it any easier. I believe Our Lord wants to ease the burden. And that can be in the form of long term care in a facility.

I understand with all my heart how difficult these decisions can be; and God wants us to take care of ourselves as well and our husbands, children, etc. We cannot be the best person we can be when we are exhausted and at the end of our rope. But, finding care in a facility can actually allow you to provide quality care for your Mom and you can oversee her care.

You are a wonderful, caring and amazing daughter and wife. Your husband is chronically ill and taking care of him is important to you. If you decide your mother requires long term care that you are no longer able to provide; then that is the right choice. Unfortunately, there are no "happy" or "content" scenarios when it comes to caretaking. But, there are options.

Hugs and hugs to you; and just pray for guidance and you will receive it; let go of any guilt, it is a useless word. We consulted a priest with respect to our caregiving and his response was "it is your cross to bear", but also said he would help us get our loved one into the facility he was affiliated with and said sometimes you just have to take that route. Blessings to you and take care.

To allow you to be the best person you can be. It's an opportunity not a burden.

Hi Maryann, better to vent than to keep it inside : ) But please know that God is not doing this to you. He suffers with you. What happens in our lives is because an enemy is present and at work. There's an answer, but is too long for here. Suffice it to say that God can and will use every situation for our good in the long run, even though it doesn't seem like it right now. And while He has never promised a stress-free life, He does always promise to be close to us and never leave us. He walks beside us every step. And . . . you can be honest with Him and tell Him how you're feeling -- He doesn't mind!