I live 4 hours away. My sister is 45 minutes away and goes weekly to get her groceries and do other household chores. I go once a month now but my sister needs to be out of town for another family illness. My mother has fired any help we tried to get and is losing her memory and very difficult. She refuses to come to my house. She claims she needs no help but is losing weight and we suspect she doesn't eat well. She refuses meals on wheels. We clean and do errands and call daily. She can no longer balance her checkbook but won't accept help.
I understand what you are going through, both my parents [mid 90's] live alone in their single family house. In their mind they feel they can managed and have managed because I am just a phone call away and live literally around the corner..... I run them to doctor appts, hair cuts, banks, get their groceries, run down to their house if Dad falls, etc. Boy, they got me trained :0
Both you and your sister need to work out some plan where neither one of you are constantly running over to your Mom's home... and any time your Mom says she needs this or that, just remind her she made the choice to continue to live on her own. "You need to own up to your choice, Mom".
If she's losing it, that's a whole can of worms that the two of you will need to discuss further; but then there will be the usual sources - mother's medical team, APS, neighbourhood and voluntary organisations - to call on for help in drawing up a long term care plan.
In a way, it's rougher on you and your sister if an evaluation establishes that your mother still retains full capacity, because then your hands are much more tightly tied: you can't interfere if she doesn't want you to. If that's the case then all the two of you can really, reasonably do is make sure that your mother knows who to call in case of emergency. A senior alert would perhaps help set your minds at rest; and if you tell your mother YOU need her to wear it because otherwise you won't sleep for worry she might, possibly, accept it. It's about as unobtrusive as help gets.
My great aunt lived independently and happily until she was 96, and she'd have carried on longer than that but for a small medical error compounded by failure to listen to her. So I'm all in favour of independent seniors, and don't agree that dottiness is inevitable. But the fact remains that it's we, the relatives, whose hair turns white unless they'll agree to some kind of safety net. How strong that net has to be for your mother in particular is what you need to find out first.
I agree with sunflo too that asking her how she expects to manage practical things while your sister's away is important. You're not bossing her around: you just want to know that she has made arrangements, you're not second-guessing her about what they are.
Enlist her doctors help in convincing her to accept help if you can.
I feel for you. My mom lives independently at 91 and refuses all help or assistance and I too live 5 hrs away and work in a travel job so I can't take care of her nor do I want to. No one looks in on her but this is how she wants it until there is a crisis.
To your question,I would say 3 times a day would be a fare visit frame.She will need someone to give her her morning meds.(Morning).Afternoon lunch(Afternoon) and evening dinner and help to bed.(Evening).What about depends and trips to the bathroom?At age 94 I'm sure she needs help with those issues too.