Resentment towards sister. Any advice?

First, you can't do Executor duties until 10/11 days after the death. You need to have a copy of the will and a death certificate. As Executor she will need to send letters saying the will has been probated to the beneficiaries. Once this is done the will is public. You can call probate and ask how long sister has to start the process.

I think sis not doing anything for Mom is just going to have to be let go. Just know, you can't depend on her. You don't have a relationship with her either.

A relationship is your choice. If your sister isn’t a person you want any relationship with, or just a limited one, those are fine choices. But resentment doesn’t change your sister and only causes you pain, both emotional and mental, possibly even physical. I’d urge you to let go of the resentment, it’s easy to fall into when people let you down but as it only hurts you it’s best to let it go

"Hello, my mother passed away middle of July and we both are co-executors, jointly, and beneficiaries but really I am the only executor as I am doing it all."

I copied your post that was a reply to another post.

Im sorry you don't get any help. I pretty much have done 99% of the running around when there is something medical, legal, banking, bill paying, personal whatever..etc for my mom(and dad deceased). If you want your relationship with your sister then you do have to accept the type of person she is. If you can not accept who she is...and she got on your very last nerve, then its ok to end the relationship. I have come to realize that my sister and I will probably never be close. We are just too different. Its not *just* that we are different...(and that's a BIG 'different') but with the above 99% thing. Even *without* the 99% parent responsibility....Our relationship was always shaky. I think I will be happier not pushing or expecting anything more. Im ok with that. I try to get along because my mom is still living, after that.....well.....she will always be my sister. I would help her if she really needed help. but otherwise. im done.

Tracy72: I totally understand what you are saying. I have only one sibling, an older sister. We were never close but now it's even worse, at least in my mind. My mother who just turned 100 has been in a nursing home after a hip fracture for almost two years. I can count on one hand the amount of times my sister has been there. She never calls, doesn't send a mother's day card. She visits during my mother's birthday month and during December (mind you she lives about an hour and 20 minutes away). I don't know if I can ever get over this behavior. Even when my mother dies, I don't think I will have a relationship with her. I just don't understand how you can treat your family that way. So I say, yes it is okay. Why keep chasing pain and trying to like a person that you would never choose as a friend. Just because people are biologically related doesn't mean they like each other.

I agree with another poster that being resentful while a normal reaction is hurting you and not her. The hardest part of a relationship like this is keeping these types of feelings bottled up and simmering and not expressing ourselves to that other person. They never realize how you are feeling and how their behavior is an issue. Have you approached her? Some people are plain just irresponsible, lazy and selfish and you can’t change them. Nor can you expect them to change just as no one could change who you are. The best thing to do is accept the type of person she became, it’s out of your control, air your feelings with her and move on if she continues her selfish ways. You don’t need her in your life just because she's blood. I’m sorry about your mother and that you’re having to endure this. Invite her over for coffee with a sit down written agenda. When she speaks, listen without interrupting and then see if you can reach a fair solution.

Hi. I am the only daughter, I am POA, financial and medical. In 2015, my mother had numerous health issues from April until October. I had to make many difficult decisions. I took this responsibility seriously and did not make any decision “on a whim.”

My mother is a difficult person. She has never truly accepted me for who I am. She has never really been a mother to me. It’s too long to go into. However, I do love her and I know she did the best she could when I was a child. She has not been happy with some of the decisions I’ve made.

My older brother has helped me some. My younger brother will no longer communicate with me. I made a big mistake in trying to get him to help and take some responsibility during all of this situation. He refused every time despite having no children in his home any longer, despite living approximately 20 minutes away from my mother. I struggled with this a lot. I requested a meeting with my younger brother and his wife. I apologized for my part in the problems and was told they accepted my apology. We were on speaking terms for a brief period. To his credit, he visits her every 2 - 3 months. Then, after almost two years of my mother living with my husband and I (and at three weeks here she started faulting my husband with everything - he was the person who brought up allowing her to move in, by the way) I felt I had done all I could in respect to mom living with us. I literally took three days thinking through my options and consequences of those options. Finally, mom moved from here back to home where she has some help, I continue to go over there usually twice a week. The younger brother has resented mom moving back to her home stating “he would have sold that house long ago”. I feel, since the house is in the three of our names all he wants is the money. Other people agree with this deduction. If there is any money left he will get his fair share.

i do not have any desire to have any type of relationship with him. I will not be rude to him. I would consider a resolution, but he would have to initiate it and put effort into it. I have no expectations of this. I have become indifferent towards him. I do not “wish” him any negativity or difficulties. I feel I have moved on and he is stuck. He will be the one to live with this for the rest of his life, personally I could not abandon any person in need of help. There are always small things a person can do to lift others.

Well, I have a different problem with my sister, and would rather be in your situation than mine if that makes you feel some better.
I posted on here for advise also, so you can read my posting if you want for more info.
I am almost sure my relationship with my only sister is beyond repairable, and look for it to get even worse because I look for her to try and bring a lawsuit against me!
What started it was the fact that my mother chose me to be her POA before and in case she ever got sick. Now she has dementia and lives with me, and my sister can't stand it! She wants to know where every dollar is spent. It has obviously been about a little bit of money to her from the start. She is so scared there will be nothing left for her to get her greedy little hands on when mom passes! Funny thing is our mother doesn't have any money! It takes most of her check each mth to take care of her, and yes I think what's left over from her check each month should go to the one that has laid her life down to take care of her 24/7! For instance, my husband and I just turned down a $7,000.00 all expense paid trip to Jamaica because I thought it may be bad on mom. So am I wrong by feeling that way?
Anyway, Just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. It's a bad feeling when you have to come to the realization that you are just too different to get along with the sister you thought you would have a great relationship with until the day you die. I have decided it's better to just let her see mom as much as I am required to, but keep my distance as much as possible too. Things just get worse the more I am around her now. I will always love her in my heart but had to realize we are just too different to get along anymore! She see's things one way and I see them another, and nothing is ever going to change that!!! So anyway, try not to allow hate to move in, and the best way to do that is to probably limit the time you have to look at her. And I promise you will gain your award one day for doing the right thing by taking care of your mother! We will be praying for you and please do the same for us. May God bless you richly for taking on such a challenge! You have to be a great person for doing so!

There may be other reasons she is unable to help. My brother lived 5 hours away and had a very demanding job as a self employed organist and organ tuner. He was always busy on the weekends with services and if there was a problem with an organ, he had to immediately fix it. He traveled every day, sometimes 100 miles or more. I understood this, but thought that he could probably make some time to visit my mother when she was diagnosed with cancer. He came twice: one night and left early the next day, and later when my son went to college he stayed with her about 4 hours to give the sitter a break. I really thought he did not do as much as he could.
Fast forward to this year, when he was diagnosed ( and later passed away) with cancer. His neighbors filled me in. His wife resented my family and mother. She would not let him leave. She had 3 children at home and was unable to hold down a job herself. The neighbors said he was always good to them, but they had their problems and often had big fights, often about his work and family. So we don't always know the whole story.

You'll have to decide if you allow this resentment to eat you up or move on. I had a similar situation. After being angry and resentful for several years, I finally had to accept that my sister was not changing. My mother had long ago accepted her choices and behaviors. Was my sister wrong or bad? No, she just didn't feel the responsibility the same way I did and she didn't allow guilt to run her life. She was actually healthier than some other family members who were present but resented every minute they "helped." After a few years, I figured out I could only be responsible for my choices, my resentment and most importantly, my happiness. My sister and I healed our relationship... thankfully... because my sister was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later. My mom is still alive, kicking and needs help. All of things I worried about and resented before are still there, just in a different form. My sister is gone. Being angry and resentful didn't change a thing.

We cannot control others, only ourselves. Once we accept others the way they are, life is much easier. It doesn't mean we agree or like the way they are, but everyone is different and has their own reasons. There is a sense of peace when letting go. Maybe years down the road when wounds heal, maybe you'll have a conversation and learn from their point of view how they saw things. OR, maybe not.... but that letting go of control truly does give you peace.

How you feel is completely understandable and warranted, have no shame about that. But all those negative feelings will not help - they will continue to hurt you. My husband has a lot of anger and resentment against his only sister who has no sense of responsibility to her father. Doc lives with us, we’ve ran to his rescue and cared for him for the last 5 years with no help whatsoever. Uprooted our children, moved to a new home and are still struggling to juggle our responsibilities to the law practice and real estate company we own while we care for Doc’s every need every day. She works part time, lives about 15 mins away and she has seen dad maybe 5 times in the last year. Can’t count the times she has been asked to check on him on days we simply cannot be home for several hours - she doesn’t even respond to those texts to help - she fails to simply call Doc and make sure he’s ok. In fact, the last time she came over, she asked me if dad ate. When I said he can probably eat, did you bring lunch? She expected me to provide the lunch! She sees her visits to my home as an opportunity to be served. This has gone on for years, and I am old school, nobody is going to go hungry in my home. This is during the workday while I am drafting documents or on the phone with clients. Selfish, ignorant and self centered, and my husband is extremely bitter about her, so I try not to fan the flames. Instead, remember how God has put you in a position to help rather than be helped (can’t tell you how often that statement alone has comforted me), and we have to run our race regardless of what others do and don’t do. If she is failing to meet her duties, have her removed. There’s no love lost for one who has no sense of obligation to family. Treat it like a business transaction and save your sanity - she’s not worth losing an ounce of peace over.

Your resent to your sister in no way effects her. It is you that is burdened by the resentment.
Do you want to feel that for the rest of your life?
If you cared for your Mom and carried that weight why add more?

Maybe she is overwhelmed by what her task is now. Does she need help?
Were you close previously to this? If so set this aside for a while. Sit down and have a chat. The only two "rules" don't talk about Mom, Don't talk about legal stuff. Talk about the time you sneaked out to go to the party, the time you took that trip when the car broke down...
Later you can ask if she needs help with anything, ask for help cleaning out the boxes that Mom left and tell her that you know there are things that she would like.

Life is way too short to carry resentment. Again it only effects you.

I have a sister that did nothing for mom...or dad. Not trying to "one up" you, but I assume that yours at least attended the funeral?? My sister never called, sent a card, or phoned during their illnesses and decline. I always made sure that she knew of mom and dad's circumstances, so the ball was in her court to do what she willed. She did not attend either funeral. I can safely say, since my sister hasn't cared about her family (aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, brothers, me) for so many years she ended all relations a long time ago. I kept the door open, but as it turns out, for nothing. Am I resentful? Of course. Do I wish she and I could have shared in the fun social things that many sisters do? Naturally! Is there anything I could do to change the situation? Tried them all. Like parents who don't divorce for the sake of the kids, I went through the motions of maintaining communication with her for Mom and Dad. They have passed on and I have come to the conclusion that to keep trying to reach out to her is really toxic for me. So I am letting go and it feels good and right. You need to find your comfort zone. Can you minimize your interactions with your sister until the pain of your mother's passing softens? Then go through a values exercise of the pros and cons of ending your relationship with her. Time can provide perspective. If in a year or so, nothing has changed, then be free, but don't make this move in a hurried way and don't do it in anger....just let go.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through and can empathize because I am going through something very similar. I took care of my mother through a difficult time and my sister hadn't seen her for 10 years. Now she'll only help with estate matters by phone. So I'll be looking forward to advice as well.

Through the years I have learned through work and personally that we only have one family, thorns and all. Sixteen years ago my only sibling who had been self-focused her entire life took off and went south. I was angry. Very. And that was when my parents were still very functional.
But now mom is 96 with dementia and dad is 101, deaf, and active. I am living with them and taking on more and more while holding down a part-time job so I have a source of income when I retire. I am exhausted. I still feel pissy at my sister sometimes for her being free of these hassles that come up so routinely. Many times I would like to share the burden, because for sure, at times it is.
But it is not going to change anything and over time I have come to accept the situation and her not living here. Personally I believe there is an element of irresponsibility that is not surprising. But holding the grudge and anger doesn't help my well-being. It took a long time for me to accept that. A long time. But try. You are not alone in this, a fact I see monthly at a support group for adult children of those who have dementia sponsored by the Alzheimer's Assn. If you think YOUR situation is bad, you will hear worse:-) It's give and take...for instance, my family has been there for me...dad has offered to help with some dental work that I could never afford. My sister mentioned was with me and I don't know what I would have done without her when I wound up terrified in an ER...I often think of two sisters I knew through my social work, in their 80's or 90's who had a spat and died, as far as I know, not talking to each other over some small issue. It's so sad.
So yes, it is okay that your are resentful, (jealous?), and that you might have it flare up even if you make peace...but don't let it consume you, and focus on the good, if there is any, if you can. We all need each other. But I say that knowing some of our siblings are beyond the point of return...

I can relate with all of your responses since I dealt with just about the same situation with my siblings. Yes four sisters plus myself. They couldn't care less. they never called, set a card, seen parents on holidays, etc for over twenty years. How sick is that.
As almost all of you, I attempted to get help from them as the parents health declined. Nothing. I was told they had their own lives to live and don't have the time. Our parents brought you into this world and you don't have the time? I too, tried to make them understand our parents were declining in health and maybe they could just visit out of respect for them . Nothing.
Pissed, resentful, and full of anger is how you could describe me.
I also am married with children and I found the time to take care of parents. Never would i ever think of walking away from these two wonderful sickly people. It took me a while to realize that my sisters did me a favor. I will explain.
Running back and fourth was wearing me down so I spoke to them about moving in with us. at that time mom was bed ridden and dad was on a walker.
dad didn't want to, he stated he didn't want to be a burden on my husband and I. so the deal was I would move them as close to us as possible, making the traveling a lot less for us.
after a period of time they both had gotten worse health wise. they no longer could take care of them selves.
my husband and I decided it was time for me to move in with them. I did.
The favor my sisters did for me was allowing me to spend the rest of my parents lives with them. having them to my self and building that closeness between us.
We laughed and we cried. We told stories of past and what the future might bring for all of us. I learned so much from my parents in the last two years living with them than I had growing up. the relationship grow and grow.
Did mom get on my nerves you bet. did changing their dirty diapers in the middle of the night drive me crazy, you cant imagine. Dad on the other hand was so patient, and loving to his last breath.
What I learned was don't dwell on the negative, enjoy the positive. I stopped asking for help from those four people I use to call sisters. I distanced myself from them and I go to sleep thinking of all the good times I spent with my parents till the very end. Dad died in my lap taking his last breath while I held him. Mom three weeks later said daddy was calling her and so I told her to go, and she did that night.
I wouldn't think twice on doing it all over again and alone if I had to..
I loved every minute that I was lucky enough to spend with my parents.
I showed them love and they showed me the same in return.
I have memories, wonderful memories,
and my once called sisters have nothing........
I miss them so much......

my advise is to love and enjoy every minute of your time you have with them,
as you will have wonderful memories forever....

Tracy72 - Don’t let resentment ruin your health. It’s not worth it. As they say, a leopard spots never change. (Something like that) Do what you know is right and just. She is bound by the laws of your state to carry out her duties as executor. Google laws specific to your state.

My siblings, both 10+ years older, like to treat me as if I never grew up. When dad changed his will and removed them as POA and named me, they were not happy. When dad made me the Trustee over his trust (I invited them to the meeting with the attorney) I was actually told they didn’t think I was a good choice to handle his money and affairs. I’ve been taking care of my dad and his house for 11 years without assistance from anyone but my husband. At the meeting with the attorney my response was that I’d be happy to relinquish my duties. (But I would not share the duties just so they could complain but do nothing) If I did this they would have to take all of the responsibility. Working with the long term care insurance, take over the VA benefits application, prepayment of final expenses, Doctor appts, hospice care, grocery shopping and on and on. Their “NO” response was so quick my head spun. Now they have both said they had no idea how involved everything is and are amazed with everything I’ve accomplished. And I chose not to get paid for my trustee duties 😳. Setting up the irrevocable trust eliminated my brothers duties as executor and eliminated the probate process. Probably the smartest thing I did. Now they’ve done a 180. Happy they didn’t have to do what I’ve accomplished in the last 12 months. With the last 12 months also including many late night calls from the ALF, theft, abuse, trips to the ER, and then of course me getting sick (once hospitalized) due to the stress and their constant judgement.

So so don’t let this affect your health. Because caregivers frequently suffer ailments related to the stressful environment. Now that your duties have come to an end, take a trip to reset your brain. Take care of yourself and let your sibling suffer the consequences of the inaction of her duties. Get on with your life and make up for lost time. Reconnect with yourself, spouse, friends... anything to get your life back. It’s sad when siblings can’t move past these things but it’s more common than you think. So try to stop stressing over things you cannot change. Wishing you the best and recuperative rest.

Its easy to say 'don't feel this way' or 'stop feeling that way.'
It is not so easy to do.
What changed my life was learning FORGIVENESS.
When I decided I wanted to 'be in the light' I put myself first.
This required me to let go and forgive others.
This does not mean accepting what a person did or does to you; it means forgiving the person. You are not a door mat absorbing someone's toxicity when you forgive. Forgiveness is TRULY self-healing and the residual benefits to the other person(s) are a gift to them if they can/care to accept it-if they even know (which doesn't matter although could help communications). Point is you do this for you. If you wish to be free and feel inner peace, forgive for yourself.
Once you are can feel-think from a place of equanimity and wholeness with an open heart, you can make healthy decisions for everyone concerned. It is the most selfish behavior one can do that is really SELF-CARE. Once a person takes out words/behaviors that bring up defensiveness in another, change in the most positive ways - can transform and heal relationships. You may need to forgive your sister and accept her limitations and decide how to move through and forward. Holding on to resentments is TOXIC to YOU. Only you. Love yourself enough to forgive. It is one of the most important gifts you can ever give yourself. Gena.

yes..I have two brothers and they never gave me a single cracker or finger to help with my full-care mother suffering end-stage Alzheimer's disease. I have to do everything myself and it's killing me. I have to toilet her (she is incontinent bowel and bladder), bathe her, feed her..the works. even crush her pills and half the time she will refuse to take them. But when she dies they aren't going to get a cracker. I'm POA and I cared for her for 10 years now. and I would care less what they say. what are they going to do? Take me to court? That's the only time they will visit. when she's dead and like vultures circling overhead.

I'm just going to say it, life is short as we all know, and sometimes it's best to move on.  We know ourselves and our own situations better than anyone and sometimes the heartache and our own health isn't worth losing more of do to someone else's choices and actions, or lack of action.  I've seen people over the years who simply cannot cope with loved ones being sick, my own mother could not handle sitting at a bedside, but instead she loaded her car with food for everyone and took it to the home.  She did what she could do.  Other's are simply cold hearted and don't care.  I have a sibling like that, who I've washed my hands of, along with that came lower blood pressure, no more nightmares, and a lightened heart.  Not only did he not help at all, he tried to take me to court, after physically threatening me and our parent.  Hugs to you.

I not only have 1 sister, but 2 AND a brother (he had all of mom's pre-stroke time) who walked away "completely" after mom stroked 5 years ago. They want NO contact, so all the of the decisions, caregiving and sacrifice have fallen on me. I had bouts of resentment and fear they would come back after folks pass about the finances, I came to realize a few years ago that these are not people I would choose to be my friends because of their morals/actions/personality, so any guilt about the loss of a so called relationship disappeared. They were never the same as I, it took time to "accept" their choices and realize that THEY are the ones missing out. I will, for the rest of MY life, be able to fully look myself in the mirror each day and know I did the right thing, not out of guilt or martyrdom, but out of the love for my parents and what they gave to me. They were certainly not perfect in their lives or raising of four children, but they did the best they could and when they knew better, they did better.
I agree with 'TouchMatters' completely and had the same experience, when I let go of the attachment, truly FORGAVE-for MY sake, the resentment dissolved. Just yesterday, my uncle told my dad that I was bossy and the reason that my sibs walked, it stung for a few hours, but my father and I know the truth and regardless of who thinks what, MY and YOUR truth is all that matters. Examine WHY you are doing what you are doing and if that is how you want to look back on your handling of this situation.

I read somewhere, and it serves me well, to consider how you want to look back and be proud of how you handled difficult situations in your life, then make present choices accordingly.

Good Luck to you, this is not an easy road and is NOT for the weak or Faint of Heart. But, it is a rewarding experience that I will cherish for the rest of MY days. (Not to mention modeling for my 2 boys)
I wish you the same....:)
Renee

Aloha! Hi there! I had the SAME EXACT problem with my youngest sister who NEVER helped mom just wanted her to be a free babysitter. Then once her usefulness was over she wanted mom out of her Brit's house where she lived. How ironic that AFTER the death of your (mine) mother then & only then do we really grasp how frustrating to deal with this awful situation. Don't struggle anymore with the built-up resentment now it's time to distance yourself from your sister realizing like me that our moms kept the relationship with our sisters going! Now that our mothers have left Planet Earth it's time to focus on what makes you happy & not dwell (tho' I admit it's hard) on the bitterness & resentment we both have. At this point, if I was you I'd ask my sister in writing if she can to do the Executor duties? Or else you will take over! Don't let this slide. Being chosen as the Executrix in my case for my late husband's Estate I had to get a Cali. attorney for the property that goes to his son so I am fulfilling my husband's wi$hes & if I didn't his son was getting his own attorney. Just because she was given that role if she's shirking her responsibilities another family member may you may step in to fulfill your mother's wi$hes. I must tell you MY relationship with my sister who cut both myself & my daughters out of her life, her Brit (he was like a dad to my girls) & their first cousins really hurt! To show you HOW CRUEL & INSENSITIVE my spoiled rotten (the baby out of four of us with two older siblings dead) she BLAMED me for mom dying in Flo Rida on MY birthday. smh haha I laugh in order not to cry! Didn't want me to do an Obituary either! Didn't want to be be SUED with her Brit 'cos he was scared mom may have fallen to her death in his home. So you see we didn't eXpect any of this yet.. the Red Flags were there if we really go back in time. Mom always depended on me NOT her & it's too bad that once a parent dies then sisters/brothers then turn on one another. My oldest the Make A Wi$h girl is crushed to put it mildly & wonders out loud why I even take her call? IDK I feel she's just not a good person who has no heart & is the Wicked Witch of the South yet.. I still love her. She'll NEVER visit Hawaii because the ocean is like a Florida spring so Que Sera Sera whatever will be, will be. Never eXpected this so when you plan then life happens. I rarely take her calls so now I'll send her some HI fre$h made choc o late & some Kona fre$h coffee with T-shirts for her family out of love. At this point, I feel I lost my ENTIRE family! Live your live as be$t as you can, make yourself happy & put the negative thoughts aside & only focus on taking care of bu$iness with the Estate for your mother. I won't move back to Flo Rida & wi$h her Good Luck! Aloha

I understand perfectly that some family members will absolutely refuse to do anything to help another family member in need. You can't force them to do something they refuse to do. First of all, make sure the sick person's affairs are in perfect legal order and if it is all falling on your shoulders, either seek help via an attorney or an outside of the family person. There is help but you have to search it out. I assure you this happens in many families. Personally, I took care of a dear friend for 28 years (yes, 28 years) because her family refused and wanted no part of anything. I found it very difficult at times but I am not sorry I did it. She was a special lady. And if you find yourself in a situation where no one wants to help, I am sad to say - but it is so true - you may have to have the guts to permanently walk away and make a new life for yourself with other people. I doubt it would matter because if they are what they are, they won't ever give a hoot about you if you need help. Walk away, sever the ties and never look back. People like this are simply not worth your anguish and efforts and hurt. Good luck.

Haven't read through everything yet, but for starters:

You need to try letting the resentment go. It will NOT change HER, but it WILL have negative impact on you. If your relationship and final time, however long that was, with your mother was good, let that be your daily thought, not sister. She lost out in that already, so she is the loser.

As for co-executor, please read:
https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/naming-more-one-executor.html

Although you might do all the "leg work", you will both have to agree with whatever comes up AND you will both have to sign everything.

Here again is a case for building resentment, because you again are doing all the work... Look at the bright side, not the negative side: Since you are doing the work, it will more likely be done sooner and that means you can move on sooner, putting her into the past and forgetting about her!!!!

What I found out when my MIL was with us for most of her last year was that the main reason I couldn't get any assistance from 3 of her daughters was that they couldn't emotionally handle seeing their strong mother failing. One of them even complained to me about some pictures we took when MIL's sister came to visit--because "my mom doesn't look good." Twenty years later when my husband was in the hospital his last day on earth, the sisters came by and stayed less than a half-hour. The ones that came and stayed with my kids and grandkids all day were the cousins--there were so many people that we took over a waiting room and rotated folks in and out of the hospital room, and the hospital was telling some of the church friends that they couldn't come because it was too crowded, Some people don't do well in emotional situations. However, one of the sisters is the one of the few (other than the cousins) who still invites us to dinner fairly often; some of them are uncomfortable having us around without my husband.

If this is really true:
"I feel, since the house is in the three of our names all he wants is the money. ",
then all I can say is your brother is a dope!

If mom ever needs specialized care and cannot afford it, or runs out of assets (other than the house), Medicaid will deny any request for assistance, as the proceeds going to you all would be seen as a gift, and then "someone" will have to fork over the money to cover all her expenses up to the total of the net from the sale! That someone likely won't be brother - he does not understand the "system".

As for siblings, those who do not help, who never call or visit, who visit and bad mouth you or go out of their way to make life miserable, there are many - I have seen many posts about this issue. So, you are not alone. But in general the best advice is try to let that resentment go. It does not hurt your sister. It likely WILL hurt you in some way. Pick up the pieces as best you can (sorry for your loss), muddle through the rest of the closure as best you can and move on. SHE is the loser as she lost out in her relationship with your mom, and at this point with you as well. Surround yourself with people who CARE and let her go.

I've always found the expression 'You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, and you can pick your seat, but you cannot pick your family (adoption excluded, at least for the adopter).

My older brother signed the end for our "relationship" during his last trip here to help with mom's condo and to visit mom. He was physically and verbally (and to some extent psychologically) abusive to me when we were growing up. As we got older, hung out with others, had different interests that kept us apart, went off to college and jobs, families, etc, we were not together very often. Usually those few times were family affairs, so we were not really alone or having to deal with anything.

I noted on some of his trips here to "help" he was very touchy, chip on shoulder, verbally nasty sometimes, but figured it was just stress of being here, trying to get all this done. Well, his 2 week stay here ended before 1 week and he had to stay at the mostly empty (no furniture anyway) condo. After yelling at me and coming at me, he threw me to the ground, twice. While packing his stuff to get out as I demanded, he continued to hurl insults and verbal abuse at me. To make a long story shorter - I am DONE with that JERK. There is much more, and some that relates to his dealings with others. His thing is shortly after, hours later, next day, it is like it never happened! Well, it did, so begone foul beast!

His relationship with mom? He was always the "Golden Boy". When she saw him at our first visit she was overjoyed. I related in a different thread that it was like the 'Second Coming of Christ"! We ate some food, then I moved off to let them "catch up". Apparently she kept asking where I went and wanted to know why I was over there... I wanted them to have time together (Funny too, when I show up, I always get "What are you doing here?" and/or "Where'd you come from?")

Before heading to work on the condo one day, I suggested he go visit mom and have breakfast with her while I got my act together. He went, but after that every time we had some free time and I suggested he visit, he said no, he doesn't know how to relate to her or what to do with her... MMMM, yeah, golden boy... I'm one who does all the non-care work. i.e. managing everything, most of the visiting, financials, arranging/transporting to medical appointments, coordinating everything for the condo sale (1.5+ YEARS of trying to get it cleaned and fixed up to sell, 1.5 hours each way!), yadda yadda - sound familiar? We (me and mother) never had a close touchy feely relationship, but it needs to be done and if I don't do it, who will (there was another recent thread about why we do what we do)? I know the brothers won't and if they did, more than likely they would mess it all up!!!!

So you're not alone!!

Tracy72
I know EXACTLY how you feel, but I'm having that issue with 3 siblings and Mom is still here with us.

IF your sister is Executor you can contest if she is not doing her appointed job either by the Court or stated in your Mom's Will.
Sister COULD possibly stretching things out so she will receive MORE MONEY from the Estate. Happens all of the time.
Like I said, I have 3 siblings, 2 have yet to visit Mom, 1 has only visited once and then I have 4 step-siblings whom I never really met nor any relationship with any of them. #1 committed fraud via her Durable Power of attorney which I had to hire an attorney.
I had to get my siblings to agree that I needed to become guardianship/conservator (My appointment OVERRIDES ANY POA ANYBODY IN THE FAMILY HAS, INCLUDING STEP-SISTER)and I have been busy since July just getting things done Ordered by the Court (one of those 30-60-90 day issues after appointment).
Unless Mom stated your sister as Executress, it's going to be difficult, you can only take her to Court.
Beware that you will be responsible for all Court/attorney's fees including her attorney if you lose.
1.Research State laws 1st so you know what you're walking into should you decide to contest
2. IF you hire an attorney, research their experience truly is in this area. Just because they may state we do Wills, Estate planning, Family Law...DO NOT GET SUCKERED.
3. You can and have the right to know what your sister has done thus far, it's your right IF you're named in the Will.
Just because your a close relative (daughter) DOES NOT mean you're entitled to an inheritance.
Sister may have had Mom change the Will to cut you out and you don't know.
4. If your State requires Wills be executed by an attorney, try calling to find out what your Mom's wishes were. If you're in the Will, let the attorney know about sister. He/she can let you know what can be done. REMEMBER everything the attorney does, it will cost the Estate.

Laws are so very different from State to State. My home State is 1 of 9 that is Community property vs Common property. Find out what catagory your State falls under.
Save yourself money by doing as much of the research yourself.

I really feel for you. Hope this helped a bit.

Even though you're right, we really don't know why she doesn't help. (It could be fear, or depression or many deep things that make it too painful.) Sisters are special, & I hope you both can have good times, in spite of her failures.

Thank you everyone for your help.

You cannot change your sister. Just know that you are the one who can hold your head high because of the care that you provided for your LO. Let the resentment go or it will eat you up.