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Dad is 92 and has Parkinson’s. I had the option of moving him to a place that would take what he had left of his money, but then would never move him. It was a nice place. But my dad LOVES where he is currently. I thought he would make at least another 3 years there, so I kept him there. Now they raised his rates, and he will only make it maybe a year and a half. Then he will have to go to a state facility. I am sick about it. On top of that I am his only caregiver outside of the facility. I catch myself wishing he would die before his money runs out, so he doesn't have to move to a state-run facility. Then I have the shame of "wishing him dead". All he does is sleep. He can't walk anymore and is pretty much completely cared for. Seems like such a sad existence. It would be different if he wasn't aware. But he is fully aware and will fully know he has been moved to a state-run facility when the time comes. Then I wish he would lose it mentally, so he doesn't have to know. It is just this awful vicious circle of shame and wishing it was just over. I am at my wits end and regret not forcing the move. How do I cope?

Get him in a quality place that accepts Medicaid now. There can still be a wait list. When he qualifies for Medicaid he goes to the top of the wait list so he can stay.
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Reply to MACinCT
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We are 6 months out from having to make that same move. I get nauseated from even THINKING about it.

I’ve started a spreadsheet, listing all the things I have to do. Visit facilities. Find an Elder attorney. File for Medicaid.

My mother has been in MC for over 4 years, now. I have prayed and prayed for The Lord to take her. His answer has been NO, so far.

So, this week, I will begin by doing the first thing on the list, and putting one foot in front of the other. Otherwise, I would do what I REALLY want to do, which is to pull the covers back over my head and avoid the whole $&@/ mess.

Good luck to us, both.
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Reply to cxmoody
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lealonnie1 Jan 18, 2025
Praying for a good resolution here, my friend. ❤
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I've spent so much time wringing my hands and losing sleep about the future. Will mom run out of money and need to leave her memory care facility? And out of all that worrying, no answers come to me. I completely agree with Lealonnie: don't put too much thought into it. What will happen, will happen. Your dad might be placed in a different facility and you both might feel crummy about it, and that's okay. He will have a bed.

I try to look at the situation as if it were me dying of dementia instead of my mother. It helps me take the "feeling sorry for her" out of the equation. I've told my husband to put me wherever he needs to put me if I end up with Alzheimer’s. I know it won't be like having a great vacation in a five star resort. It will be more like being in a nursing home with a roommate in the next bed. And then I tell myself I'll just have to deal with it.

Dying is the most difficult part of life. It's not super comfortable and that's okay.
Read your favorite book or watch a funny TV show. Give yourself a break.
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Reply to BlueHeron
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lealonnie1 Jan 18, 2025
Not everything has a good answer, unfortunately, especially where dementia is concerned.
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My mother died 6 months before I had to place her in a nursing home with a roommate she'd have hated, on Medicaid, from the terrific Memory Care Assisted Living facility she'd been living at. I prayed daily for God to take her out of the misery she was in, and feel no guilt or shame for doing so. Living with no quality of life is not "living" but existing, so why wouldn't death be preferable? Perfect peace vs pain and suffering.

Stop the crazy making and put the situation in God's hands. That's all you CAN do anyway, since you can't control any of this. Worrying about the future = anxiety. Try to live in the present moment the best you can. The future doesn't yet exist.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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I was in that same situation. Terrified he would run out of money. He had no real quality of life. His life revolved around his next meal and his next bowel movement. So yes I had the same thought you are having.

Does your father qualify for Veterans Aid and attendance? It took a year for him to get but it bought us more time to stretch out his funds.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Keep him where he is. With Parkinsons comes Dementia. In 18 months Dad may not even realize the change. Where I live all our LTC facilities are privately owned. But they except Medicaid. The State I live in suggests you apply for Medicaid before the money runs out. Your are given 90days from date of application to get them info needed, spend down their money, and find them a place to live. For me, Mom had 20k left after being in a AL. I started her Medicaid application in April. Placed her in LTC May 1st. She paid May snd June privately. By June I I confirmed the caseworker had all info needed and Mom was spent down and Medicaid started July 1st.

We do what we have to do. It becomes not what our parents want, but what they need. Its just how it is.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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No need to feel guilty about realistic and correctly wishful thinking. When my brother was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's dementia, he told me that he wished he was dead and had died in the car crash he had which led to diagnosis. He told me that he hoped and prayed he would be able to die (he was 84) before Lewy's stole his mind away. He did die a year and one half later of sepsis. He chose no treatment after initial antibiotics were worthless, and went home on hospice and DID die, for which he was grateful. For which I am grateful. And I am talking just about my favorite person on earth all my life. Wishing your dad to pass where he is happy and comfortable and while he is is realistic practical thinking. When my parents died, when my brother died, I felt nothing so much a relief that I never again had to fear for them or stand witness to their losses.

Try not to think ahead. It is going to be what it will be. Talk to any Social Workers to try to find best Medicaid facilities. Hope he passes in his sleep before that day. My heart goes out to you, but NEVER EVER kick your own kind heart. Never.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You’re in a cycle of worry that accomplishes nothing. Change that to action. Start visiting places that accept Medicaid, including the option of those with private pay going into Medicaid when the time comes. Instead of assuming anywhere that takes Medicaid is automatically a nightmare, visit and see. In addition get on Next Door and ask neighbors in the community for their experiences with places that accept Medicaid. You’ll get both good and bad stories from those who’ve actually been there. Accept the reality that dad will die exactly when he’s meant to and nothing you do or don’t do, wish or don’t wish, will make any difference. No more beating yourself up over that. My mother went from private pay to Medicaid in a very good nursing home, same bed, same room, same care throughout. Most of the staff didn’t know how she paid and didn’t care. It is possible to find the same. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Don’t borrow trouble.

Keep him where he is as long as there is money. You said he sleeps all day so in another 18 months he might not even know you moved him, that is if he is still alive.

We thought my 94 year old aunt was going to live well past 100 and then one Christmas Eve she popped a brain aneurysm and died that day.
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