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My 95 year old father is now in "trouble" for using offensive language with a worker at his assisted living residence. I have spoken with him many times about this, but now it looks like we may need to move him to another facility. Please help.
I'm surprised that the memory center doesn't just let this go. It can't be unusual for them. A center of the brain that works is doing this when the filters can't stop it. There's nothing that scolding will do and they should know this.
It saddens me no end when caregivers must deal with homes that claim to care for people with dementia and then want them out when they run into common behaviors like this.
I agree with those who said if this is not common, then a UTI could be causing it, but for some, that's what dementia does.
blueize, if this is not common behavior, then possible your Dad might have an Urinary Tract Infection [UTI], as such behavior can be related to that. And/or he could have dementia, and there is a stage where inappropriate language/behavior is not unusual.
The fact that your Dad is "in trouble" for the language tells me the facility might not be the level of care he needs. Those who work in Memory Care are use to such language.
Does your father have dementia? You don't say what type of offensive language he's using, but chances are he may not have complete control over this behavior. If you've spoken with him many times about it, and he hasn't gotten a grip on it yet, it might be time to talk to his doctor about this. It could be a symptom of something else going on. If it's just one worker, perhaps the residence could adjust work schedules?
Blueize, If the condition is Tourettes Syndrome your father may not have to move. A facility should be able to deal with this condition, not punish him. It may be a disability. It may be treatable. If he has offended a worker, has he also offended other residents? You could contact the people who enforce the Americans With Disabilities. Maybe that is the ACLU?
However, maybe your father needs a higher level of care. Maybe he won't want to stay where he is not wanted. Maybe what is needed is for private companion care to be with him in public. If he is drinking or otherwise substance abusing, then get him treatment. There are so many things one can do. Does he stop when you scold him? Then he can control his behavior somewhat.
Oh, for craps sake! These poor people who suffer from dementia get treated like children enough as it is - without "getting in trouble". Yes, very often they act out like children but those who are there to help - those still mentally competent ought to be able to show a little compassion and ignore or redirect any blue language, whether it be subject matter or in word choice. When my mother had her brief stay in AL she once unfortunately sat next to a particular lady in the dining room whom she noticed always sat alone - turns out there was a reason why, as the lady went on to call my mother names and berate her all through the meal. Mom called me that evening, quite upset by the whole thing. Soooo - I went and spoke to the director, like the well trained daughter I was. The response? "I'm sorry that happened to your mother. Usually staff keep an eye out and stop anyone from sitting with her during meals". Sounds like someone needs a course on dementia at your dads place - or a switch in career choice. If bad language is enough to keep someone from a facility, I'll probably wind up sitting in my soiled Depends, alone in my apartment.
Thanks to everyone. I think the UTI and some sundowning might be part of it now that I think back to when this might have occurred. He does get impatient and worries a lot. I think talking to his doctor might be what I need to do. I appreciate the guidance from several of the comments.
Your father cannot control his behavior. I don't think you can impose him on another assisted living facility. It may be time for you to consider a facility with a dementia unit. I once had to stay temporality in an assisted living facility with my husband, who had Parkinson's. A sweet little old lady became abusive toward him. She did not belong in assisted living. We left.
Working in a skilled care facility requires the ability to absorb some unpleasant behavior from the residents. It is unreasonable to expect people who are ill and out of touch with the world and themselves to exhibit company manners. If he were physically assaultive or combative there would be a reason to move him to a facility more prepared to handle him but his inappropriate statements are part of his medical condition and therefore something staff should be prepared to deal with. Yes it's hard to hear abusive, profane, racist, insulting, insensitive, or inappropriately sexual remarks but in this context they aren't personal and they come with the territory. I worked with juvenile delinquents for many years and got called about everything but a child of God -- but that was just who they were.
Without knowing, foul language is a characteristic of Turret's syndrome, however at 95 yrs. he probably has dementia and it is just his brain losing its ability to recognize "abusive" language. Language skills are highly complex and dementia robs a brain of that function.
Lollie, "scolding" most likely will not help with this. Is it just one worker that is complaining about his behavior? I would think that it would be more than one. Perhaps this one does not like your father? I would ask the facility to assign someone else to him. It seems that woyld be relatively easy to do.
Does your dad have dementia? Are the workers at the facility trained in dementia care and methods to deal with this behavior? It could be sundowning, and if he does this to one it more than likely happens to others as well. Is he in memory care?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It saddens me no end when caregivers must deal with homes that claim to care for people with dementia and then want them out when they run into common behaviors like this.
I agree with those who said if this is not common, then a UTI could be causing it, but for some, that's what dementia does.
We'd love to hear back from you. Take care,
Carol
The fact that your Dad is "in trouble" for the language tells me the facility might not be the level of care he needs. Those who work in Memory Care are use to such language.
A facility should be able to deal with this condition, not punish him. It may be a disability. It may be treatable. If he has offended a worker, has he also offended other residents? You could contact the people who enforce the Americans With Disabilities. Maybe that is the ACLU?
However, maybe your father needs a higher level of care. Maybe he won't want to stay where he is not wanted. Maybe what is needed is for private companion care to be with him in public. If he is drinking or otherwise substance abusing, then get him treatment. There are so many things one can do. Does he stop when you scold him? Then he can control his behavior somewhat.
Please let us know what you think.
Does your dad have dementia? Are the workers at the facility trained in dementia care and methods to deal with this behavior? It could be sundowning, and if he does this to one it more than likely happens to others as well. Is he in memory care?
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