Today the Hospice nurse talked to my father about giving me a respite and he said for only 5 days. And he agreed. After she had left I went in to talk to him and thanked him and asked him if he was angry about it and he said yes. I then asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he turned his back and was silent. I have tended to him for two years by myself and I need this time and possibly longer than the five days. Any suggestions also on how to deal with the family members who may not agree with it. I want the oldest brother to take him there as I am too emotional at this time and do not want to leave him there and put the guilt trip on me again. I do not think he realizes how ill I am now. Any suggestions I would appreciate the help. I love this venue and have met some like-minded people here and I now know I am not alone in this any longer since I found this site. What a blessing it has been for me.
Do what you have to do to take care of yourself! Maybe in a day or so your Father will be more understanding once he has to time to think about it.
It sounds like your Dad may be thinking about things? You know Kubler's stages of loss? He is coming to grips with loosing you for a while. Hmm. The silence of denial:she isn't that ill. The silence of bargaining: I can handle respite without her for five days. He might be screaming inside with anger. . . life's throwing another curve ball. He's processing it. (I don't know him, but my Dad held a lot inside.) I hope he does not get stuck in stages 3 and 4, with anger and depression, so that he can move on into some acceptance and maybe even have some positive experiences at respite.
As for me. My mother and I always had a love-hate relationship. But the major rift came when my mother started having accidents a few years ago. At my appointment I asked our family dr. if she was o.k. to drive. He said no, he thought she hadn't driven in a while. The next time he saw her he had the registry take her license. My whole family, sister, bro in law, aunts and uncles had known she'd had accidents and didn't have the "heart" to take her independence. My mother stopped returning my calls. She basically only initiated calls to me 3 times over the course of 3 years informing me of an aunt's, and two cousins deaths. Then she bought a second house and didn't tell me where it was. Around the same time she started telling people I went in the old house when she wasn't there in order to steal things, like Christmas lights and extension cords. She accused me of "going through her papers," slandering me about that too.
Professionals have said that it's sounds like dementia. My extended family is a mess. I've reached out. But I've gotta admit-we're all pretty angry! About a lot of stuff! There's no credit for trying to protect my mom and the innocent public from harm on the road. If my sister had thought that was the right thing to do she would have talked with mom and the doctor herself.
So your family doesn't agree with your father going to respite? We're in similar boats as far as support is concerned. But what's up with that? It doesn't sound like they would be interested in taking shifts instead of taking him to respite? Do you have to have surgery or therapy...rough in the middle of the holidays-talk about we're all going through something!
I miss things about my family, and offered to take my sister and the kids out on my birthday, giving her a month's notice. She left a voice mail saying it wouldn't be a good idea out of the blue and I was surprised that she told me she was in therapy. She's going through a divorce. I left a voice mail offering to go for session(s) if the therapist thought it would be a good idea and to run errands so she could have more time with her kids and mom. I called it non-direct care. It wouldn't be healthy for me or my mother for me to directly care for her. Not without therapy, for sure. That was another unreturned call. Ugh!
You need this. It is a shame that Father couldn't be more gracious about accepting it, but we may not be able to be at our best when we are on hospice ourselves. Accept him as he is, forgive him, and take as long as you need/can to regain your health.