She has been living in a facility for the last three months. She is quite pleasant and easy to get along with, so the staff treat her very well, and I feel go above and beyond to satisfy her requests. The problem is, that a number of the other residents have varying degrees of dementia, which Mom refers to as "crazy". I am so offended by her comments, and I have explained to Mom that they cannot help the way they are, and to have more compassion for them, but the rudeness continues. Mom is also showing signs of dementia, but she does not recognize that in herself, and feels she is "normal", especially compared to the other residents.
The other complaint she voices is about the menu. She is provided a healthy, well balanced diet, and has lost a considerable amount of weight, which was greatly needed. How do I fend off these conversation regarding her meals?
I am tired of having these same conversations. Does anyone have similar situations, and what advice can you provide?
This article just came out, it might help.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/alzheimers-patients-share-their-experiences-153702.htm?utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Newsletter%20-%20October%2031,%202012
As I said, I don't know why he didn't tell you but I do understand why he did send the money. But you will have to look into other things to really take care of her needs. My mother in law had to spend over 250,000 in 5 years for nursing home, medical expenses, meds.etc. This didn't include clothes, spending money, pop and snacks and the little things that she personally needed which we took care of. We also took her out on holidays and family events, doctor appointments and she stayed over night on several holidays. She always ate with us and we took care of whatever she needed. She did leave us her house. We were planning on selling the house and one point to help recoup some of the money that we had been using to help her. We were able to bring her home in the very end and she died here. She only lasted 12 days but it was wonderful.
Make sure that whoever is handling this money that your husband sent is keeping accurate records of where the money is going. Who knows, maybe an asset will pop up and you could recoup some of your money. If she is out of money now and the haven't spent your money yet, she would qualify for help from medicaid. Good Luck and email me if you need anymore help.
I wouldn't fight with her, I just always refocused her attention. She didn't feel that she belonged in the home in the beginning. She thought everyone was crazy also but after a while she realized she had problems. I had to repeat everything over and over and this is part of this. My mother in law went through different stages and now that she is gone I would do it all over again just to have her here again with us.
Just a little note here, mom would tell us that people were stealing at one nursing home. We dismissed it because she has always had things missing. She also gave alot of things away. She would give her clothes away because she, in her mind, was a size 8 and she didn't think the clothes fit her. We had to cut all the tags out before we gave them to her. She would tell us things about her neighbors that we just dismissed...later we found out she was correct in her alligations. When your loved one says something, please check into it. Taking care of your family member is just like raising your children but just in reverse. We had to repeat ourselves over and over again to our kids and they still didn't always listen. We had to help our kids when they made comments to people and we had to keep them quiet in church. It took years to teach our kids. Our parents or loved ones have this same mind set. It isn't something they are doing intentionally. They are seeing the world in the eyes of a young child and it is very, very scary. Please remember this and God Bless!
PS My mother in law would also take things...she would go through peoples cabinets when visiting. She would pick up watches and umbrellas. She knew she owned them and she figured they were hers. She would also use all my makeup perfume and deodorant in the bathroom. All my lipsticks were broken in half or the lids were put on without the lipstick being turned down. I just kept that makeup in there and had my own stash. Whenever I would take her to visit I would go to the bathroom with her so I was sure she didn't pick anything up. But I really miss those days. People understand more than you thing. Many people are taking care of loved ones. I would let Mom walk ahead of me and I would tell the person that she has Alzhiemers. People are wonderful if you give them the benefit of the doubt.
She will comment out loud when the people are in the same room with her, about them being so big and fat. She used to cringe when my dad (who she cared for after a stroke) would say things like that. Mom used to be a sweet shy woman and now cusses randomly. She never spoke a cuss word in her life. I have learned that ignoring her and apologizing when people stare is the best thing. If you comment to them they only get more aggitated and will cause more of a scene. Just remember that the dementia is what is doing this to them...they have no control of how their brains work anymore. I have been really tested lately with all of this. It's best to just ignore them.
On the issue of food - regardless of her need to lose weight, a sudden or drastic drop in weight should still be a concern. If she's refusing to eat the food at all, then she is at risk for malnutrition. Being a few pounds too heavy is not as dangerous as being nutritionally compromised. Watch her, ask the staff to weigh her weekly if that's possible - or check the fit of the same pair of pants on a regular basis to assess her size. Any weight loss should be gradual. And please - eat the food yourself. It's easy to say it's fine, but really - check it out. Have a meal there every week or two, and ask yourself if you would enjoy that cooking three times a day.
I think some elderly just maintain their earlier in life personality and some do not.
I wish you luck with your mom. Perhaps you could bring her some of the foods
she likes (healthy but tasty treats might take the edge off her complaints regarding the food served). Just an idea.
Elizabeth
I did tell her to become part of the Food Committee, i.e., be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Sometimes, I think with the elderly there is "solidarity" in complaining......if you have had the food there yourself, and, as you say, it is healthy and nutritious, just let her vent.
He complained daily about the food. He really hated it. It was a good balanced diet, but it was really prepared poorly. He grew more and more angry and unhappy at the facility, almost entirely due to how bad he felt the food was.
So he decided to move to another facility nearby. The food is just great. My wife and I usually eat with him there most Sundays. As a result of the change in the food, he is much, much more happy and satisfied. It seems to have made a real difference to the quality of his life. The move turned out to be a really smart decision.
I love Jeanne's answer--just don't listen to it. In my Mother's case, I tried to emphasize that the "crazy people" need friendship and kindness. I also tried redirecting her attention to some other topic/interest. That usually worked.
"Well, you really look good eating the food they serve! I'm sorry you don't enjoy it, but there is nothing I can do about it. Let's talk about something else."